einsteins_girl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I know most of you will have no idea what my "getting back together" story is because I deleted my old threads a few months ago, but in sum... We broke up, were still living together, eventually got back together without resolving anything... one day, after a silly (but serious) phone fight during my lunch break at work, I came home to find my apartment keys and a note telling me to "check Hotmail." There, awaiting me, was the breakup email. For the next three months, I worked on myself - started doing self-improvement - bought a car - joined a gym - started therapy. Contacted him only three times. Never heard from him. The fourth time, he finally replied. We got back together about a month after that, which was back in October. Things have been INFINITELY better since then. We communicate better. We get along better. We appreciate each other. I'm not as needy or co-dependent. Things are better. But, lately, starting this past weekend, I've been feeling insecure again... I just keep wondering, if I hadn't made contact with him, if he would've just gone on without me. For some reason, the idea he wasn't ever going to contact me again doesn't sit well with me, and it's starting to make me question his love for me. Even though he has been incredibly sweet and loving and done nothing to make me question his love for me since we got back together. So what do I do about this feeling? Wait for it to pass?
SpaceGray Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 There is no way for us to know. Perhaps you could politely, assertively, and calmly ask your bf about it; when he's in a good mood.
parlae Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 if i was in your position, i wouldnt even bring it up. i wouldnt worry about that, because NO ONE knows if he would've ever wanted to contact you in the future. the important thing is that you two are back together and things are going great between you guys, right? in my opinion, i wouldnt think too much into it.
diamond78 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Wait for it to pass.....It's normal to get those insecure feelings after what you've been through. It's just your body's way of trying to 'protect' yourself and 'preparing for the worse'. I don't know your beliefs but maybe pray for peace of mind, meditate, or do whatever you can to relax your mind. Think of the actions he's done since he's been back that prove to you that he's with you now and doing the necessary things to keep the relationship strong. I'm glad to see you two still together and rebuilding a healthier relationship!
scorpio47 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Second guessing like that will only serve to ruin the wonderful relationship you have now. There's no way to know either way whether he would have or not. I'm assuming then that you're the one that contacted him back in October? Enjoy it for what it's worth... you have what you wanted!!!
Zeitgeist Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Maybe I'm the only one, but I'm getting a vibe here that it's not necessarily you questioning his love for you so much as your own love for him. It almost sounds as if you are trying to convince yourself that since things are better you should be feeling totally smitten and head over heels in love. But perhaps you're not and you're feeling uneasy about that. Could you then possibly be subconsciously looking for reasons to explain why you're not feeling what you think you should be feeling? Like I said - maybe it's just me.
einsteins_girl Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Zeitgeist - That's really insightful. I have been having some doubts lately. A lot of it has to do with the fact that, if we're going to be together for the long haul, I'll have to uproot myself and move to the state where he lives. Because that's such a big move, and I'm not gung ho ready to go, I'm starting to doubt my commitment to him a little bit. If I truly wanted to be with him forever, wouldn't this be an easy thing to do? Plus, I think now that I've been taking control of my life and making changes, my eyes are a little more open to his imperfections... and I've been second-guessing whether I'll be able to tolerate some of them forever. So, yeah, you may be right. I'm definitely questioning my own feelings at times and that may have a lot to do with why I'm suddenly second-guessing how we reconciled.
Zeitgeist Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 It seems that we're really only able to evaluate a relationship clearly once we can remove the fog of emotion and it sounds like you're getting to that place. So then I guess the next step would be for you to figure out what you want out of a relationship in general and whether you two can offer those things to each other. I'm guessing that at 29, you're thinking more now in terms of requirements for a long term relationship. Then again, maybe your reason is more basic and primal - that you resent his leaving you and being able to return with little consequence while you suffered. Maybe you feel like he needs to feel a little bit of the pain that you felt for you to feel like you two are back on even ground. It wouldn't be good for the relationship, but it would be understandable. I think this will take some time for you to figure it out, so my suggestion is to do just that - take some time. Don't make any rash or final decisions about anything. Chances are, your feelings will become clearer over the next few months. You will also be able to see how consistent *he* is. After all, he has to gain that aspect of your trust back.
einsteins_girl Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I think it could be some of both. I think there is a part of me that still resents him for leaving and for just ignoring me for months ... and then for how I made it so easy for him to come back after that. Not to say that I wanted to torture him or make him beg - but I should have made sure that he knew my expectations, etc. It was a really sucky way how he left me, and I'm not gonna lie and pretend like I'm not still a little bitter. But, as your signature so nicely points out, resentment is not healthy or helpful, and I think I have largely let go of it. But... I do have a fear that it might happen again, and I think that's a lot of where my uncertainty comes in. If he had his way, I'd be moving to his state tomorrow (but not living with him, for the record)... but why would I move there if there's a chance I'll just find an email waiting for me again someday? And I told him that - not exactly that - but I told him I'd need a commitment in the form of a ring or a willingness to live together or something before I'll move there. Ugh. I don't know. It's so weird to me because I love him very, very much. I'm in love with him. I'm happy when he's around. He brings joy to my life. And I know that I do a lot of the same for him. But there's still this uncertainty, this hesitancy I have... and I can't figure out if it's because of me or him or both.
Zeitgeist Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 And I told him that - not exactly that - but I told him I'd need a commitment in the form of a ring or a willingness to live together or something before I'll move there.Conditions are a tricky thing if you express them to someone. If he were to give you a ring now, you will not know if he's doing it because he wants to do it and he's committed, or if he's doing it because he knows that what you expect and does it so that you'll do what he wants - for you to move to his state. It further gets muddied if everything goes according to plan, but then you go through a rough patch and you (or him) start wondering if you weren't coerced into making this huge life decision because no one knows what the true motivation of the other person was. But then again, if you say nothing, you're not "communicating". You simply can't win. Mind boggling, huh? Like I said above though, don't rush things. This isn't going to become clear overnight.
einsteins_girl Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Oh, no worries! I'm just trying to work things through in my head, slowly but surely. And, honestly, he wouldn't propose right now (nor would I want him to)... he's not one to do anything because he's "coerced," quite the opposite actually. Plus, if he were to ask, I wouldn't be able to accept right now ... not with so much unclear and confusing. I was just trying to convey to him that moving will not be happening anytime soon. Not that I wanted a proposal. LOL! Things haven't been perfect. I did a lot of changing in the time apart, and he did none. That's been wearing on me too. So there's a lot going on, and I just need to see if our newfound ability to communicate and listen will carry us through. We have the love, after all; now it's just a matter of figuring out the rest. Ha! Easier said than done... Thanks for your thoughts!!!
jasper01 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 hi izzy! I'm still here, mostly lurking..Not 'back together' with mine but we are talking and seeing each other. I am also questioning where I'm at with it. But I've learned a great deal since the summer. I think it's understandable that you would feel this way considering what happened. I also think it might be helpful to dialogue with him about this. If you 'let it pass' I am 100% certain it's going to cause problems. This is exactly how I got in trouble in my relationship. Getting active about it is the beginning of doing real relationship work. But you have to do it very skillfully. I recently learned about Imago dialogue and that's changed everything for me. If you haven't seen this I think it's described best in 'Getting the Love you Want' by Harville Hendrix. And also, I think the two of you are a great match Good luck!
shaded77 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Who cares how you got back together, but you did and its a great story. He probably knows whats going on and is working hard at proving to you that he loves you. Is there anything in particular that triggered your questioning him? I think its totally normal what you are feeling though.
einsteins_girl Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Thanks, jasper! Honestly, I am extremely hesitant to start a conversation with him about this. I know from experience that I have to pick the perfect time or he'll be defensive or frustrated or... I don't know. I think I'm just going to wait it out for the next little while and see where my head ends up. Misskitty, I missed your message, and you deleted it! I'd really like to hear your input. shaded77, I can't pinpoint a trigger, to be honest. And he is trying hard to show he loves me. I see that. I just wish I could trust it... it's so hard to trust someone after they broke your heart...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I think whether a relationship can go the distance is based on a lot more than just 'love' feelings... It is possible to absolutely adore someone, but fight like cats and dogs and have dissimilar goals in life that eventually drive the couple apart. So rather than continuing to evaluate whether you love him 'enough', i'd analyze how similar your goals are, how compatible you are, whether you want the same things in life, can share the same house/space and not get on each other's nerves, want marriage/family as a goal, want to live in the same area, etc. Look at the things that are most important to you, and see if he satisfies your criteria for happiness in life. For example, if you are someone who needs a stable home and wants a certain lifestyle, but he's an artist who wants to travel the world doesn't care about providing a stable home, that would be a problem. Or you want to live on a farm and he wants to live in NYC, that won't work either. So you just have to step thru your own values and desires and see how he lines up and whether he fits into that scheme. If you mesh well on most counts, then you have a good chance of making it as a couple. But if you don't mesh on most counts, and are mainly together because of the 'love' feelings, then it won't last. A variation of the theme 'love is not enough.' Also, i would also seriously consider moving if you are serious about him, and sooner rather than later. Eventually LDRs fall apart due to distance and loneliness, and in most cases if the distance goes on for years, one or the other party will meet someone local and decide they're tired of being alone and break off the LDR. That is just a practical consideration. Many people in LDRs have the (false) assumption that 'love will keep us together', when in reality, the practical problems of rarely being with the one you love eventually strain the relationship and make it vulnerable to collapsing when someone else attractive to the person enters the scene.
1MoreChance Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 May I ask what kinds of issues made the relationship difficult and caused the break up and what kind of fighting you had from work that broke the camel's back??
jasper01 Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks, jasper! Honestly, I am extremely hesitant to start a conversation with him about this. I know from experience that I have to pick the perfect time or he'll be defensive or frustrated or... I don't know. I think I'm just going to wait it out for the next little while and see where my head ends up. Yup, also understandable. You would need to learn the skill of sharing with him how you felt without blaming him. And he would need to learn how to listen and empathize. Maybe better to start with something smaller as an introduction to learning new skills. But the resentment will not go away by ignoring it and it will find it's way to expression in some way. In my case I became distant without realizing it because I felt helpless and skill-less to deal with the resentment emotions that were coming up. Part of that was questioning why I was staying in this situation, which I did not share. Which triggered all sorts of things in my partner that she didn't feel comfortable sharing with me. So we were both in the dark. But it then came back to me in the form of her exiting the relationship 'out of the blue'.
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