Some insight into this comment please...

[pumpkinmoon]

So we had a pretty bad weekend as far as problems go. I told him that we need to talk about things, and the only ever time we do (which isn't very often is via text messages) and that isn't the way to do it.

 

Later that night we were talking on msn and it came up again. I told him that we need to talk more and not over texts, he said that msn was better than texts, but when I told him that we need to do it face to face really as things get twisted over messages he said that he agrees but when things get heated and I get upset and start to cry, that he just can't deal with it.

 

I am wondering what the possible reason could be for this? Maybe some of the men can help on this one but opinions are welcome from all

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You should work on being able to have a discussion/negotiation without crying... Men frequently feel powerless when women cry and can also feel like it is emotional blackmail.

 

Crying isn't about solving problems or negotiating, it is about raining your emotions all over him. Men don't operate from that perspective very well as they are taught to control their emotions more and not cry, so if you want to put a stop to any discussion, crying is the quickest way to do that.

 

Remember that you're a grown woman not a baby, and should try to keep the crying under control. Try to treat it like a discussion at work where dissolving into tears isn't appropriate, so you control it better.

[caro33]

but when I told him that we need to do it face to face really as things get twisted over messages he said that he agrees but when things get heated and I get upset and start to cry, that he just can't deal with it.

 

I may have misunderstood, but it seems that you answered your own question right here. He deals with you remotely when it comes to anything that might get challenging, because in person he can't deal with your emotions. Now I'm not saying that's reasonable or not, but it's his reason.

 

Do you think you might react emotionally a little more than is required, or is it that he just can't handle any emotions at all? It's complex, because I could argue that he should deal with you whether you cry or not, because that's who you are and he decided to be with you, etc. But I could also argue that it's fair enough that he doesn't want to be in the position of always dealing with your tears etc if it's possible that it happens 'too much' (whatever that means). Who knows.

 

I advise that you might try and come to some sort of arrangement with him, where you acknowledge that your crying affects him too, and that you make some commitment to manage it. That if you feel it's happening again to call some kind of time out on the conversation, or some other way to short circuit it. I think you should try and come up with ways to help him (and thereforee help you). But also make clear to him that having these kind of conversations over text/msn is not acceptable to you, that you both need to come to the party here...

[pumpkinmoon]

You should work on being able to have a discussion/negotiation without crying... Men frequently feel powerless when women cry and can also feel like it is emotional blackmail.

 

Crying isn't about solving problems or negotiating, it is about raining your emotions all over him. Men don't operate from that perspective very well as they are taught to control their emotions more and not cry, so if you want to put a stop to any discussion, crying is the quickest way to do that.

 

Remember that you're a grown woman not a baby, and should try to keep the crying under control. Try to treat it like a discussion at work where dissolving into tears isn't appropriate, so you control it better.

 

 

I don't cry all the time, and hardly at all really. But when things are really bad I do get upset. All I want is to talk about things calmly in an adult manner but it never usually goes that way.

[caro33]

You should work on being able to have a discussion/negotiation without crying... Men frequently feel powerless when women cry and can also feel like it is emotional blackmail.

 

Crying isn't about solving problems or negotiating, it is about raining your emotions all over him. Men don't operate from that perspective very well as they are taught to control their emotions more and not cry, so if you want to put a stop to any discussion, crying is the quickest way to do that.

 

Remember that you're a grown woman not a baby, and should try to keep the crying under control. Try to treat it like a discussion at work where dissolving into tears isn't appropriate, so you control it better.

 

You know, I agree with this, I totally see your point. However, I am also a cryer, and while I hate it and do my best to control it, the tears tend to happen anyway. And yes, it happens at work too (although I hold it in my voice goes wobbly etc). I am not talking about a massive moan-fest, but a definite 'I am about to cry' face, or even tears plopping as I speak (not at work). It sounds like a copout, but I understand hormones are a major factor here. I guess I am not assuming these things are always under our control.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think that he finds it hard to deal with anything at all. He is of the opinion that everything should be plain sailing all the time, I have tried to explain on numerous occasions that every couple argue now and then but he just wont have that. He thinks that we shouldn't argue at all and when we have an argument it spells the end of the relationship. We don't even argue often, it's probably less than once a month really. We have had 2 arguments in the past 4 months.

 

I have also tried to explain that if we were able to talk about issues calmly as they arise and we were able to resolve them then we wouldn't need to argue about anything in the first place. I don't cry at the drop of a hat but sometimes I have started crying when we talk and it's just like he doesn't care. I did explain to him that I can't help being upset. And I ony cry when he has done something that upsets me a lot.

[pumpkinmoon]

You know, I agree with this, I totally see your point. However, I am also a cryer, and while I hate it and do my best to control it, the tears tend to happen anyway. And yes, it happens at work too (although I hold it in my voice goes wobbly etc). I am not talking about a massive moan-fest, but a definite 'I am about to cry' face, or even tears plopping as I speak (not at work). It sounds like a copout, but I understand hormones are a major factor here. I guess I am not assuming these things are always under our control.

 

 

See I am not even like that. Maybe the way I posted it made it seem like I am always crying when we talk or argue but that isn't the case at all. I don't cry easily.

 

It is very rare that he has seen me cry at all.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Well if you don't cry much then he may just be the type to avoid conflict in all forms. The things you've said about him on other threads make me think he's the kind of person who just wants to do his own thing, and you go along with him or not... i.e., he's not willing to negotiate much, just live the way he wants and you go along with it, take it or leave it.

 

you can try to make a list of the things that cause conflict, and tell him you'd like to sit down once a month for 15 minutes to talk about them and see if you can resolve them rather than making it into a big fight. But if he refuses to negotiate anything, then that will make for an impossible relationship.

[caro33]

Yes it sounds like he just can't handle conflict (like many people) and isn't prepared to try. But it's fair enough that you say to him that that's not good enough. And then ask him how you guys might improve your ways of communicating, ask his views and come up with your own solutions, like the one suggested by BSBH.

 

By the way, I don't cry all the time either. But I do cry when something means a lot to me, like a big, frustrating argument with the husband (one every few months) and I know how hard it is to not cry when it's hit that point.

[pumpkinmoon]

I am trying to work out if it is me or him who has an unrealistic view of relationships. If he thinks that he can have a relationship in his life with no conflict whatsoever then he is very wrong, he will never have a relationship like that because they just don't exist. I will also say that most of the things we have issues about are things that he has done or the way he has gone about things. It's not like I pick issues out of thin air, if anyone does that I think it is him.

 

One example : He loves tattoos and has recently had one started on his arm. He knows I am not a fan of tattoos and would never have one myself, but the other day when we were "arguing" he said that we are not right and that one of the reasons was that I "tried to stop him" having this tattoo. I never said anything of the sort and have never tried to stop him doing anything at all!

[pumpkinmoon]

Yes it sounds like he just can't handle conflict (like many people) and isn't prepared to try. But it's fair enough that you say to him that that's not good enough. And then ask him how you guys might improve your ways of communicating, ask his views and come up with your own solutions, like the one suggested by BSBH.

 

By the way, I don't cry all the time either. But I do cry when something means a lot to me, like a big, frustrating argument with the husband (one every few months) and I know how hard it is to not cry when it's hit that point.

 

That is what I mean too. I only cry when something is really upsetting to me.

 

I did suggest getting together once a month to talk about things ages ago but he saw it as a "monthly meeting" and basically made fun of it.

[Rabican]

yeah no guy wants to sit down and have a conversation if you are gonna get all weepy weepy over a talk. The more emotional you get, the less hes gonna want to deal with it... That goes for almost all guys, me included.

 

Try to do your best to talk rationally without getting all upset, that should help. He should be willing to hang in there with you if you get upset once in a while too... so you gotta try and compromise.

[pumpkinmoon]

I've probably started crying twice in all the time we have been together

[pumpkinmoon]

I suppose another purpose of this thread was to find out exactly why men find it so hard to deal with?

[caro33]

Obviously that's one for the men, but in my talks with my husband about this issue I think it's because men (some men) don't have the vocabulary or emotional wiring for it that women (some women) do. Scientific studies have shown that there are differences in how male and female brains function, how develop and use vocabularies, how they remember and process emotion etc. There's probably some neuroscientific basis for the anecdotal differences people note between the emotional processing capacity of men and women. I think I have read that there are stronger links between the brain's hemispheres in women than in men, but this may be wrong.

[DN]

Crying is a call for help when in distress. Compassionate people want to help or alleviate the distress and will do what they can to that end.

 

The problem when crying, or becoming so emotional that tears appear imminent, when in an argument or dispute, is that it really puts the other person in between a rock and a hard place.

 

On the one hand they want to alleviate the distress and it seems the only way to do that is to concede the argument and apologise.

 

But on the other hand - they think they are in the right and don't want to concede. But they look heartless if they don't.

 

So instead of the argument being decided on rational grounds it is often decided on emotional grounds - and the person demonstrating the most emotion wins.

 

Except that they win the battle and lose the peace. Because the person who conceded will feel a resentment at being forced to concede or appear heartless. Over time that resentment will build and either the tears will lose their effect or the less emotional partner will avoid any dispute because they know they will either lose or be made to feel or look bad.

 

Eventually, if carried too far, the resentment or the avoidance of debate or argument damages the relationship - sometimes beyond repair.

 

It is bad to do this in a relationship. It is also unwise to do it in a work environment. It is much simpler emotionally to fire someone than divorce someone. Some studies have shown that more people get fired for failing to get along with colleagues and superiors than for incompetence.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I agree with DN. I've learned over time that it is better to try to hold onto emotion and keep the discussion on track, and if i am feeling emotional, i will stop long enough to compose myself, then when i'm in control again, return to the discussion. The tears really don't belong in a discussion since they take it off track and it becomes about emotion rather than negotiation. You can't help crying sometimes, but you need to stop if you find yourself doing it, go compose yourself for a few minutes, then return to the discussion rather than crying.

 

My observation is that many women (especially young women) think it is OK to cry in their partner's lap like a child whenever they are upset or have a grievance, and the partner is supposed to comfort her and apologize to her for making her cry etc. But if they are negotiating a problem, this immediately turns the guy into the bad guy, as in, 'you're wrong becuase you made me cry'. The crying shouldn't factor into it.

 

Everyone has emotions and sometimes cries, but it is best to handle it like an adult and try to control it when it interferes with solving a problem.

 

And most men will feel differently if say a woman comes to them crying because someone else hurt her feelings (and he will know he can provide some comfort), vs. the woman crying because she is upset with him and he doesn't know what to do with those tears because it casts him as the bad guy and takes the discussion off track.

[pumpkinmoon]

Hmmmm I thought this topic would be a little more black and white than it actually is. Didn't realise there could be so many factors. I will add though that I in no way use tears to make him feel guilty or to make him feel bad.

[DN]

I will add though that I in no way use tears to make him feel guilty or to make him feel bad.

OK - but realise that that is how it can be perceived by your SO (or colleagues and superiors). So even if you don't mean it the effect is still the same upon them.

[drewciouS281]

serious discussions are always better in person. text or messenger is like reading a book blindfolded. sounds to me like he isnt a good communicator and isnt willing to work with you. do you want to waste your time and energy on someone like this? he sounds lazy and isnt adhering to your needs and responsibilities of a relationship.

 

I was dating a girl that all she did was text the whole time. we rarely talked on the phone. it drove me nutz. when we had disagreements it was always over text and it just sucked! eventually that was one of the main contributing factors to us not working. tell him, "shape up or ship out!"

[pumpkinmoon]

Yeah what we are trying to say to each other always gets taken the wrong way and causes even more hassle. He isn't a good communicator, I don't think he knows how. He will have to learn though because if he doesn't he will have the same trouble with his future relationships.