Sex question - is there something wrong with me?

[Trammel]

I've been with my gf for many years, and we have a really good relationship, but we've always had some problems with sex. I have a lot of issues with shame and guilt (I was raised by a crazy, extremely Catholic mother) and I can be pretty selfish sometimes. The issue I want to ask about is this- she says (and I generally agree) that when we have sex it's because she wants me and I want sex. She feels that I don't want her, sexually, physically i mean.

She thinks that if I were with someone "sexier" it would be different. But I don't think so. It's so not a question of "oh, you're with the wrong person if they don't turn you on". it's not that she specifically doesn't turn me on, it's that I don't remember ever "wanting" anyone I was with, male (when I used to date men) or female. I want sex, I want to express my feelings for her physically. When we have sex, it's amazing for me, both physically and emotionally. I try not to be selfish sexually, but when I try to do things for her, she doesn't like it, because she says she needs me to want to do it, so i feel like it's a catch-22.

What I start to think is, am I defective? I feel like there's something missing from me, that i've never sexually wanted anyone? has anyone ever been in this situation? any comments welcome

[Stars_n_Guitars]

why do you want sex if you don't want anyone?

[NJRon]

I try not to be selfish sexually, but when I try to do things for her, she doesn't like it, because she says she needs me to want to do it, so i feel like it's a catch-22.

 

When she says this have you told her that you wouldn't do it if you didn't want to?

[Trammel]

I have told her that but she says she can feel it...that i don't want to do it.

[Stars_n_Guitars]

I have told her that but she says she can feel it...that i don't want to do it.

 

well is her feeling accurate?

[NJRon]

Is that the case? I mean, people want things to certain degrees. Just because your level of desire is not the same as her level of desire does not mean that there is anything wrong with the way you feel. It just is.

 

She needs to work on being a little more accepting and not using the emotional blackmail.. it just drags things down and doesn't do either of you any good. You two need to have a heart to heart so you can really get through to her your feelings on the matter and to stop the guilt cycle between the two of you.

 

Have you had help in addressing your own issues on shame and guilt?

[Trammel]

I've had a lot of therapy, and i've recently started seeing a therapist after a few years not seeing one, but my therapy has focused on other, more important issues (my mother was literally mentally ill), so i've never gotten to the point of addressing the sex stuff in therapy

[NJRon]

It may or may not be sex specific, it could by a symptom of something else. I'm glad that you're getting some therapy.. it definitely helps to be able to talk to someone. Don't beat yourself up over this issue... it just fuels the guilt. Both you and your girl need to work on letting some things go... there are many important things to focus on and, if your relationship is strong, then you will have plenty of time to address these things down the road.

 

If you can work on accepting how you feel, and she can work on taking your actions at face value (instead of reading into them), then I think that can go a long way toward laying a foundation for things to improve. I've experienced a somewhat similar issue and that's what we did and it has helped a lot.

[Lecturer]

I recommend discussing the root of the sexuality issues (shame) with your partner.

 

My wife has always been fairly 'reserved' during sex. This has gone on for 10 years, and recently I became very frustrated with it. After discussion, I FINALLY got out of her some shocking, shame-related information from when she was a child, which she had hidden from me all these years. After that, we started connecting and sharing, and things changed COMPLETELY.

 

She is now .. THERE... for sex.. mentally and physically. Interestingly, I the night that we actually connected and shared (no sex) was the most wonderful to me... and since then it has driven so much excellent, passionate sex I cannot describe.