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Why shy men should NOT do online dating


steve33

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It seems like online dating would be a good idea for a shy guy, so you don't have to ask out a woman. So for that reason, it enables your shyness.

 

The second reason, is that in general, online dating for men is a complete waste of time for several reasons.

 

1. There are way more men than woman online.

 

2. Most women don't "need" to do online dating as they get hit on constantly.

 

3. Half of women who do online dating are looking for perfection, they will have a laundry list of requirements which they will not settle for less online, but if you met them in the real world, they might overlook that you aren't 6'2

 

4. A significant amount of women on dating sites have no intention of dating. They like the ego boost they get from getting 100 responses from guys in a day.

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What a load of bull. I lost my husband in an accident 5 years ago. When I finally felt ready for dating again, I was way past wanting to go out clubbing to meet someone, and so online dating provided me with a service to meet guys outside of my usual social circle. Ive had some great dates this way and made some really great friends. Although I havnt met the one - Im certainly not searching for the "perfect man". Im just looking for a best friend and someone to fall in love with, just the same as I would in the usual outside world.

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When I was on a chat/flirt site, a lot of the guys would say to me that they liked to go on sites like this, because it presented an opportunity to talk to all the really attractive women, that they wouldn't otherwise dare to approach in real life...

So, I figure a lot of really insecure and unconfident men join these sites.

 

As for women joining just to get attention.....some likely do, but a lot don't. A lot will be genuinely seeking a relationship, or for friends in the hope it may lead to more.

 

Not all women are perfectionists either, looking for a 'model' guy, who is fantastic looking, who has a posistion of authority in a high paid job, with a fancy car, nice home, etc, etc.....a guy I got along well with, with a good personality, sense of humour, is all I'd be looking for.

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well, OP, these are your thoughts and they must be based on the experiences you've had but not all women are like this. I consider myself decent, okay-looking and I faced just as much rejection with online dating as any man would. In fact, very few men made it to open communication with me and from those that did, only a handful wanted to meet in person.

Seems like you had mostly bad experiences but as with any other thing, you just have to keep pressing till you find the right one. Online dating is about numbers. Whatever you do, don't develope bitterness in your heart. Its not worth it. You are there to look for who is interested in you and vice versa. Don't look at all those that said no to you, look for those that show a green light instead. Good luck!

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Yeah, I too disagree. Where do you get your "facts" from? I've met lots of very wonderful women online. The bottom line is it is just another avenue to meet people - it shouldn't be the only one, but there are a lot of really good, solid people who I've met online - and some strange ones too but that goes for bars, clubs, friend of a friend too. If you are shy, online dating doesn't bypass dating etiquette - it is just meeting someone with common interests who is open to dating. That's not so different from dating someone through a club you are in or through an activity or something like that. Your conclusions based on limited experience is flawed.

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I am a shy guy who used link removed. I had nothing but positive experiences with it. It gave me a lot of dating and relationship experiences that I may not have otherwise had. I am now more outgoing and sure of myself.

 

It is all about how you use it, what kind of person you are, what kind of match you are looking for, and what your expectations are.

 

For me, I spend a lot of time finding women who I felt matched my interests, were educated, and had a very well-thought-out profile. My success rate was pretty high, though it does take a lot of patience and time sometimes.

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.....so are you talking yourself out of it or are you trying to "eliminate the competition" by talking others out of it....?

 

You're starting with a faulty assumption right off the bat:

It seems like online dating would be a good idea for a shy guy, so you don't have to ask out a woman. So for that reason, it enables your shyness.

 

At some point, if you want the interaction to become real (and thereforee have the shot at becoming a real-life relationship) you have to meet offline. Most people still follow the traditional "men as initiators" script, so, no, you're not off the hook for asking a woman out.

 

I met my husband online (not on a dating site, though). One of the things that made him stand out from other men I was chatting with was he asked me out fairly quickly. It let me know he was serious about having a real relationship and not just a chat buddy.

 

As for your four points....

 

1. While the more men than women looking online may have been true at one point in the past, depending what site(s) you're talking about, probably not so much any more. Dating sites want to stay in business. You don't do that by having a markedly unequal distribution of males to females or straights to gays or whatever crowd you're catering to.

 

2. How long have you had experience as a woman "getting hit on constantly"? I had a solid couple decades worth before I got married. Lemme tell you something, if you're of average looks, above average intelligence, have a "big woo" job, and a smart mouth on top of it, you'll (unintentionally) intimidate far more men than will ever have enough nerve to hit on you. I came equipped with 2 ovaries and a uterus and I've never been in a position where I was getting hit on "frequently" or "a lot", let alone "constantly"

 

3. Did I have standards & criteria? Sure. Were they about perfection? You tell me: I was looking for someone who wanted to get into a relationship leading to marriage sooner rather than later. Said individual had to have the ability to make me laugh and be able to carry on a meaningful conversation in addition to verbal banter. Prefer no kids/non smoker/non drinker.

 

As a sidebar here, it is each person's absolute right to choose whatever standards they want to have for a (potential) mate. If those standards don't include you, there's no need to take it personally...the standards were probably there long before they even knew you existed.

 

Seriously, your third point is about as useless as the time I spent whining about how I didn't have any chance with any man because I wasn't thin, blonde and busty....and lemme tell you, in hindsight, that time was pretty damn useless.

 

4. The lack of intent for dating could also be applied to men on dating sites as well. There was one guy I chatted with for about a month in 1998ish. Talked, talked, talked, but never could get it together to even meet for coffee. I started dating someone else, moved in with him, caught him cheating and broke up and was single and looking again in 2001, when I bumped into guy from 1998 online ---- STILL DOING THE SAME THING. I flat out asked if he ever met anyone he chatted with online in person and he said he was "working up to it".

 

That's just one example. I could regale you with countless tales of other men who had no intention of dating with a relationship in mind, ever actually meeting up in person or who shouldn't have been looking online at all (married folk looking to cheat)...but I don't have that kinda time.

 

***************

 

When it comes to meeting and dating, the bottom line is this -- It's difficult. Doesn't matter if you meet people at bars or clubs, in church, through friends/family, at work, at the park, in the grocery store, on line, through newspaper personals or any other way you can think of -- it's difficult to find someone who is:

 

1. single/available

2. is looking for the same kind of relationship as you at the same time you are

3. you find attractive

4. is attracted to you

5. has some things in common with you

6. is compatible with you

7. is geographically desirable (what good is your perfect match if they're 5 states away?)

 

There are aspects of meeting/dating that are uncomfortable for everyone, not just the shy. Y'know what? I'm not the world's most friendly, outgoing person, but I'm not going to let my less than warm and fuzzy personality ever be an excuse for me to not get what I want. Sometimes, I swear, I see people putting so much time and effort arguing for their limitations I can't help but wonder what they could accomplish if they'd put the same effort toward figuring out how to work around the (perceived) limitations to get what they wanted instead of using them as a roadblock.

 

Y'know I could (I did) sit there and moan about being overweight and single for a while to a dear, dear friend of mine years ago. He listened, paused for a moment and then said, "I'd think it weeds out the a**holes faster."

 

It's all in how you look it. Aruge for your limitations, and sure enough, they are.

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I guess it depends on what site you use. I respond to ads in a local 'personals' site that isn't really a dating site. Though I have had dates with some attractive women from there, I do find I have more success with women I just meet naturally.

 

Online dating is no miracle cure, though it does present the opportunity to get dates for some who would never have the chance in real life (due to fear of approach/asking). But once you get on the date, a shy person is going to shine through as being 'that insecure guy' - and not be attractive. So if you're not a guy who can get dates naturally, you might as well forget about online dating. Learn to open up and overcome shyness. I am slowly beating this problem myself.

 

Also worthy of noting (and this may be just the website I use) is there are a lot of creeps that post there, that I highly doubt get any responses to their advertisements. The high population of guys is full of people that you can tell are straight off weird or just looking for some kinky sex. Though you've mentioned it's good to be sexually aggressive, I doubt this approach works for most women online.

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I had no success what so ever with online dating. I was on many of the most popular ones for years and never got any messages or replies to any I sent.

 

Now I'll agree everyone has a different experince with it some have success, some have a little success , while others have no success. However to say online dating sites are great just isn't so. It all really depends upon how attractive you look to others and that's what it boils down too.

 

I got the feeling if I was ever auctioned off no one would meet the reserve of two pence. LOL

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Now I'll agree everyone has a different experince with it some have success, some have a little success , while others have no success. However to say online dating sites are great just isn't so. It all really depends upon how attractive you look to others and that's what it boils down too.

 

That statement is also true if you remove "online dating sites" and plug in "meeting people in clubs" or "meeting people at church" or any other way people meet.

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I had no success what so ever with online dating. I was on many of the most popular ones for years and never got any messages or replies to any I sent.

 

Now I'll agree everyone has a different experince with it some have success, some have a little success , while others have no success. However to say online dating sites are great just isn't so. It all really depends upon how attractive you look to others and that's what it boils down too.

 

I got the feeling if I was ever auctioned off no one would meet the reserve of two pence. LOL

 

 

I bet if we took a poll, most women would say they get lots of responses, and most guys would say they don't. Online dating doesn't work as well for men as it does for women.

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Then stop doing "online dating" - that is, stop thinking you can "date" "online" - I met over 100 men in person through online dating sites but never for a second did I think that typing and talking to a stranger was "dating". As far as an ego boost - um, no, just like it was never an ego boost for a stranger on the street to catcall me - big deal if someone liked my photo - if that were an ego boost my life would be pretty pathetic.

 

I never asked a man out I met through an on line site - at times I would suggest that we should meet in person because I had no time to type and talk beyond a few emails and phone calls - and more than that was a waste of time - but yes I expected the man to ask me out on a first date after we met in person.

 

I'm not sure if I got many responses (not sure what "many" means)- when I started posting on dating sites I was 34-35 and was always honest about my age and honest that I wanted marriage and kids. That didn't stop men who wanted a fling from contacting me, but it probably stopped men who didn't want marriage and kids in the near future.

 

My list of requirements had nothing on it that I wasn't offering myself to a potential partner.

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It seems like online dating would be a good idea for a shy guy, so you don't have to ask out a woman. So for that reason, it enables your shyness.

 

The second reason, is that in general, online dating for men is a complete waste of time for several reasons.

 

1. There are way more men than woman online.

 

2. Most women don't "need" to do online dating as they get hit on constantly.

 

3. Half of women who do online dating are looking for perfection, they will have a laundry list of requirements which they will not settle for less online, but if you met them in the real world, they might overlook that you aren't 6'2

 

4. A significant amount of women on dating sites have no intention of dating. They like the ego boost they get from getting 100 responses from guys in a day.

 

I agree with #3. Picky and perfection, biggest reason why I never had any success from online dating. Online dating is nothing but a waste of time and money. I will never do online dating again.

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I agree with #3. Picky and perfection, biggest reason why I never had any success from online dating. Online dating is nothing but a waste of time and money. I will never do online dating again.

 

Again, this isn't something that's exclusive to online dating, and it certainly isn't exclusive to women.

 

Dating in general is difficult and mostly not fun. When, oh when, will people just admit and accept that? Don't pin the blame on "online dating" or "meeting people in bars" or any one facet of it when the fact of the matter is the whole freakin' process (and the way we go about it in western and particularly US culture) is horribly difficult because it's mostly about rejection and exclusion.

 

Rejection and exclusion are not enjoyable things for anyone, but they are the entire basis of mate-selection.

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I have to completely disagree with the OP.

 

I am a shy guy and without online dating, I would probably have been on zero dates since my last relationship which ended almost 3 years ago. Thanks to online dating, I have been on more dates in the past year then the rest of my life. Although I haven't found a woman that I want to pursue something long-term with yet, everyone I've met through online dating has been been a pleasure meeting with and getting to know.

 

I am so much more confident of a person now thanks to online dating. I know I can go pick a girl up who I've never met before, show her a good time, make her laugh, and that I can even carry conversations if I have to. Some of the girls I've met have been even more shy than me!

 

Online dating is a great way for a shy guy to get out there.

 

I think the OP's frustrations come from his personal experiences with it. Online dating can be ruthless, *just* like real-life dating. You think attractive women online get to pick and choose? Well, it's the same thing in real life or anywhere else you look. It has nothing to do with it being online. Perhaps you are only contacting women who are being contacted by almost every guy? I'm not a fan of the concept of "leagues", but it is true that you'll have more luck if you contact woman who are near your own level of attractiveness, physically speaking, because online that's often the only thing people have to go on.

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Again, this isn't something that's exclusive to online dating, and it certainly isn't exclusive to women.

 

Dating in general is difficult and mostly not fun. When, oh when, will people just admit and accept that? Don't pin the blame on "online dating" or "meeting people in bars" or any one facet of it when the fact of the matter is the whole freakin' process (and the way we go about it in western and particularly US culture) is horribly difficult because it's mostly about rejection and exclusion.

 

Rejection and exclusion are not enjoyable things for anyone, but they are the entire basis of mate-selection.

 

 

Yes I agree dating is very difficult and not easy at all. It is not fun being alone and single. I am just tired of rejection and not being accepted because of my height and looks. Being nice, honest, athletic, outgoing, and friendly should give me at least a chance for acceptance.

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Yes I agree dating is very difficult and not easy at all. It is not fun being alone and single. I am just tired of rejection and not being accepted because of my height and looks. Being nice, honest, athletic, outgoing, and friendly should give me at least a chance for acceptance.

 

As a guy, you'll never be successful with women unless you are happy being single. It doesn't matter for women, and most women need to be in relationships at all time, for a guy to be that way, you make yourself undesirable. Get hobbies, and enjoy your time alone, only then will you be able to date.

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As a guy, you'll never be successful with women unless you are happy being single. It doesn't matter for women, and most women need to be in relationships at all time, for a guy to be that way, you make yourself undesirable. Get hobbies, and enjoy your time alone, only then will you be able to date.

 

I think you'll find it hard to be successful with women if you continue to generalize about women the way you've done throughout this thread - most people of at least some intelligence/some openmindedness are turned off by people who generalize about them based on gender (or race, religion, etc).

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Yes I agree dating is very difficult and not easy at all. It is not fun being alone and single. I am just tired of rejection and not being accepted because of my height and looks. Being nice, honest, athletic, outgoing, and friendly should give me at least a chance for acceptance.

 

It can also be pretty miserable being in a relationship, too. "Not fun-ness" is not exclusive to being alone and single....not by a long shot

 

You can be all those things you listed, but if you are not fairly happy with yourself and your life without someone in it, it doesn't really help you finding a partner. If your life isn't a place where you like being, why would you think someone else (who is reasonably mentally healthy & capable of creating a healthy relationship) would want to be there with you?

 

I suggest you start changing the idea that you are being rejected because of your height and looks. An idea like that makes you walk around with a HUGE chip on your shoulder that you're probably not aware of. I went through a period of time where I held on to the idea that I was being rejected because of my weight and looks. When I look back at my journals from that time, I can see it quite clearly now -- that thought gave me a very defensive attitude and was pretty much transmitting to any potentially interested male that I wasn't happy with myself/by myself. There were even some well meaning folks who tried to help me back then, but I couldn't see what they were talking about. I was too close to the situation and I wasn't ready to see it clearly. But in hindsight, it's howlingly apparent...and at the time, it was howlingly apparent to everyone but me. Even if I had met someone who was attracted to women of my build and appearance, my attitude toward myself and my life still would've driven him off (if he was capable of creating a healthy relationship) -- and rightly so.

 

My attitude toward myself and my life was seriously messed up back then. It wasn't until I did the work to change those things within myself that I even had a chance to be capable of attracting and co-creating a healthy relationship.

 

As a guy, you'll never be successful with women unless you are happy being single. It doesn't matter for women, and most women need to be in relationships at all time, for a guy to be that way, you make yourself undesirable. Get hobbies, and enjoy your time alone, only then will you be able to date.

 

....where to start....

 

People (not just guys) have a better shot at developing a healthy relationship if they are more content than not with their life as a single person. So, yes, it does matter for women as much as it does for men. A woman (or a man for that matter) who has a "need" to be in a relationship at all times probably isn't capable of creating a healthy relationship.

 

The healthiest relationships are created by partners (male AND female) who are whole and complete on their own and choose to share their lives with one another rather than those who are looking for a partner to "complete" them....or any of those other romantic notions about finding one's "other half" or "soul mate."

 

There is really nothing to be gained by this underlying attitude of believing women (or tall men or rich men or thin women or good looking women or anyone who is or has something you aren't or don't) somehow have it "easier" when it comes to mate selection. What it does is set up a situation for you to have a spectacular pity party for yourself and breed resentment and jealousy toward those who you think have it easier. Resentment and jealousy aren't very attractive qualities when it comes to attracting a mate, so you've already put yourself at a disadvantage there. Our thoughts influence our actions. If we think others have it easier, our actions will follow (or not) and we will start creating situations that reinforce those thoughts in a self-created, self-perpetuating downward spiral.

 

We all have our challenges...particularly in the area of finding, creating and maintaining a relationship. Even moreso if your goal is finding, creating and maintaining arelationship that is functional, healthy & happy. Because if that's your goal, the first step is working toward becoming a functional, healthy & happy individual and creating and maintaing a functional, healthy & happy relationship with yourself.

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About this time a year ago, I created an account on a dating site. After a couple of ladies expressing their interest in my profile, I just couldn't shake the increasing feeling off that this online 'dating' thing just isn't for me.

 

I ended up deleting the account a couple of weeks later. If I was to meet someone online, I would at least rather meet them as a result of a place in which we share a common interest, as opposed to a place set up with the pretention of finding a partner.

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Id say no.

 

I used to be a very shy person but after just meeting up with two women on POF It really boosted my self confidence.

 

Id say for anyone who's shy to atleast start out with the free dating sites then go from there.

 

I agree. For a very shy person like me I have changed a lot with online dating. Sending emails or doing even less to let a girl know I was interested made me so nervous. My heart was racing because I was so worried, that it would cause her to give me a date then we would talk, then love, then marriage etc., etc. Basically I thought I was a pick up pro somehow Now I have no problems sending women emails even if I'm not all that interested.

 

I did have some success and did get to chat with some women on the phone. For a guy like me who has never even talked to a woman just to talk and get to know the other person, was a big deal. Now I'm already looking at getting a girl to go out with me from Facebook who shown interest in ME! We've already set a date to meet in person. Making it my very first date! Already, I'm able to flirt and be more natural around women without feeling like I'm going to have an anxiety attack.

 

Most importantly I'm going to ask out a girl in my chem lab pretty soon. I was going to do it to day, but she's really shy and there's also another girl in the class who seems pretty interested in me though probably not my type. If it was one year ago I would be daydreaming about if the girl (not my lab partner who is probably more compatible) and if she likes me. But now I'm able to actually do a little flirting even though I still catch myself looking away when she looks at me only to have her say something to me in which I respond with a smile and enthusiastically. But only a year ago I wouldn't even came close to the situation.

 

The year before, hitting on woman that I had something in common with and in the same room with for multiple days, would have ended with me well doing something like this -->](*,)

 

But not anymore. I can actually talk to women without feeling anxious and have my heart racing like I'm going to die. Online dating has done wondrous things for me as well as surfing the forums here.

 

So I would have to say I disagree with the OP post in every way possible. Just because you don't get dates or get a lover out of it, doesn't mean you can't gain something just as grand.

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