4 months after breakup...

[big sigh]

Well, it's been around 4 months, I honestly don't know the exact date, but it was early October. I posted on here a few times, but basically, here's my story: this was my first relationship, went for 3 1/2 years. We broke up, and two weeks before we broke up she met a guy she thought was "cool" (even wanted me to meet him, but for some reason I felt weird and didn't want to-that had never happened before). Two weeks after we broke up she was dating him. I was shocked and hurt by this, a week before we broke up I was talking to friends about marriage. I was also hurt because the last time we spoke she said how much she was enjoying being single, and that the two of them said they were attracted to each other, but wanted to be single for awhile (when I asked her about this, she said, "It has been awhile". I guess I just assumed that meant a long while, haha). She also then said she didn't want to speak with me, even though when we broke up she said she wanted to be friends and all that stuff (I guess a lot can change in a couple weeks). I think this was mostly because she didn't want the guy to feel uncomfortable, I guess he'd been cheated on in his past relationships, so I could understand that I guess.

Last month I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt, that despite everything, I still loved her (something I felt guilty about saying because she was in another relationship, and I hate hurting people, but realized I would regret it if I didn't let her know this) and if she wanted to make it work, we could try. The letter was more of me letting go of everything, I didn't expect her to come back. But I also gave her responsibility to contact me if she wanted to hear from me again, because I knew I had to move on. A couple days later I ran into her, but just waved and said hello and kept moving, knowing that she would put in effort if she wanted anything to do with me. She never responded to the letter, but I'm fine with that, I was expecting it, and after sending it I came to the realization it was time to move on (I know it took awhile, but this was my first break-up, it's hard stuff). I haven't contacted her since then, haven't looked at her myspace, aim, anything like that, and I feel good about that.

Anyways, I'm doing well, but I am lonely. I really miss coming home to someone. I miss thinking about someone and knowing they are thinking about you. I'm also hurt, because I never planned on giving so much of myself to someone, and I trusted her fully, and she basically left me for someone else. She was the one who was always worried about me leaving, and I never even came close to it. It hurts so bad when you give yourself fully to someone, and you trust them with your life, and they leave, and the last time you speak with them they say, "I just don't want to talk to you anymore". I'm worried I may not be able to give myself to someone as fully as I did my ex, but I want to be in another close relationship.

The thing that is bothering me the most is, I know it is probably going to be a long time before I'm in another relationship. I'm not the kind of person who just jumps into one, I need to get to know a person first. I no longer want to be with my ex, but I don't see anyone that I want to be with/ would want to be with me, and if I did, it would take time to build up. So, the fact that I'm going to be alone for awhile is good in the way that I'm able to focus on getting myself healed and organized and I do feel healthier than I have for a long time. But it's also not fun because I really like being in a relationship. I don't know, this is where I am four months after the break up. I am happy, and feel good about myself and what I'm doing, but I'm also lonely, and I don't know if I feel complete. I miss that closeness of being with someone you care about more than anyone else, and I know it's going to take me a long time to find someone and then open myself up again. If I knew what was going to happen in the relationship, I doubt I would have been in it,there was more pain than the pleasure (although there were lots of good times too), but that's the risk of love, I guess. We'll see what the future brings, I just wanted to share my feelings. I'm assuming it's all pretty normal feelings. If you read this, thanks for reading.

[yahha42]

It's all pretty normal feelings, big sigh. I'm feeling the same way you are with the feelings of not wanting to be with your ex but not seeing anyone you want to be with or would want to be with me. I can't relate relate with you on the length of the relationship due to mine only lasting a month but I had some pretty strong feelings for the guy and it was amazing how well we clicked.

 

Don't feel bad because of where you're feelings are at 4 months after your first relationship. You're doing something thats gotten you this far. The more you do to get your mind off of this though, the better your feelings will get.

 

Whether you're feeling sad about being lonely or feeling frustrated that you haven't got past all the hurt yet, I can only suggest something that I'm looking to do for myself to get through things and thats find a sport to join a league for. The interaction with other people is cool (might even open up some opportunities) and if it's a contact sport, that makes it even better if you happen to have a need to relieve some of the frustration.

 

Hang in there, big sigh.

[sypaman]

Dude, we have alot in common ... similar stories ...

maybe i'll take the time to write mine out , but my girl also went from telling me she loved me to being with someone else in a matter of weeks. I still hurt, but 3 months later I've finally stopped crying ... now i'm filled with anger but that's another story ... I think you've done great , and have a real good attitude ... your shakey but your still standing

 

whenever i feel lonely or unloved , i just try to remember ... someday, I know i will fall in love again .. there will be a first date, a first kiss, a first night together ... and that knowledge, the daydreaming of where, what color hair will she have , etc, etc ... that keeps me going some days ....

 

hang in there, your doing great

[jrosete]

Me too. My ex broke up with me in October as well. She moved on pretty much immediately after with a guy that was her friend. I know I'm still not over her. I've met about 10 girls at clubs in the last 2 months, went out on dates with 4 of them.. all 4 dates I just felt no connection with the girls and I would think in my mind how much I wished I was with my ex.

 

But I know that after you get dumped, it's normal to go through a period where you'll go out with girls that you have no connection with. Mostly because you're too busy comparing them to your ex. For me, I would think of how much cuter my ex was and how she knew how to make me laugh. So my standards were pretty high and none of these new girls I met came close to my ex.

[big sigh]

Thanks for the responses, it's nice to know others feel similar to how you do, and have similar stories.

 

Whether you're feeling sad about being lonely or feeling frustrated that you haven't got past all the hurt yet, I can only suggest something that I'm looking to do for myself to get through things and thats find a sport to join a league for. The interaction with other people is cool (might even open up some opportunities) and if it's a contact sport, that makes it even better if you happen to have a need to relieve some of the frustration.

 

After the breakup, I was playing a lot of sports, and having a really good time doing it. But my ankle is messed up right now, I have tendonitis or something, and it hurts after I even walk on it for a bit. But, it's okay, I'm still finding stuff to do.

 

Sypaman, yeah, the anger set in for me awhile ago too. I don't usually get angry, so dealing with that was/is difficult for me, but I'm doing fine with it. I realize it's a natural part of this cycle, and I think I have good reason to feel that way. Whether she admits it or not, she found someone she liked more than me and started going out with him. It's a blow to your self-esteem when you've been with someone over 3 years and they meet someone they don't know for even a month and choose them over you. But, if that's how she was, then I'm glad we broke up now rather than later. I just can't believe I fell so hard for someone who would do that.

 

Jrosete, I understand this. At least you are meeting new people, that can be fun. And you know that what you are feeling is normal, which has helped me. I can deal with all these feelings well, because I know that it's all part of the healing process, I just wish the process would hurry up, haha.

[Swany89]

Yesterday was 4 months since my ex broke up with me. And like your situation, we talked about being friends after the break up, but he quickly pulled the whole 'I don't think we can be friends right now because it is too hard for me'...and then he moved on with another girl right away. It crushed me, and still when I let myself ponder on it I feel the heartbreaking pain. But I have definitely gotten stronger and more emotionally stable over the situation....and was even surprised when he briefly talked to me yesterday at a function we were both at. I was expecting to not speak to him at all but he spoke to me first. Nothing important, but he was actually civil towards me.