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Boyfriend helping his ex-gf/open relationship packed; am I wrong?


wishing_star

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My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is planning on visiting her grandparents in London in a couple of weeks. Her and my boyfriend were in a relationship for 4 years which ended in 2004. However, they started to once again have an open relationship in 2006, which ended May 2008. It ended because he met me, and started to have feelings for me.

 

He told me that during the open relationship, it was just sex for him. He had no feelings for her, however she still had feelings for him. In the first month of our relationship, she came over and tried to seduced him. Basically wanted him to sleep with her. He rejected her advances and told me.

 

It is now 8 months into our relationship, and he found out from her that she still has feelings for him. However she is willing to watch him be happy with me, which I find suspicious as she tries to talk to him a lot. He told her that he loves me, but will always be there for her as a friend. She has tried some questionable things before, so now I'm really paranoid, and sort of dislikes her (and her behaviors).

 

My problem is that he went over to her house, and helped her packed for her trip. He was basically in her bedroom. He didn't tell me about this until a month later, cause he didn't think at the time that he did anything wrong because SHE IS HIS FRIEND. I think it's wrong, because he knows I am uneasy about her, and that she still loves him. It's hard for me because they have been together for so long (sexually as well), and I find it intimidating at times.

 

Am I overreacting, or is it wrong of him to go to his ex-girlfriend's bedroom to help her pack for her trip (when she can ask anybody else). Especially, when she even admitted she had feelings for him still. And is it wrong of him to not let me know that he was there that day, instead of a month later?

 

The least he could have done was told me, and I wouldn't really mind. It's the fact that she keeps doing things like this, and he doesn't tell me.

 

Thanks in advanced for your help =)

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I don't think you're overreacting. I'd feel threatened too. I think he should've been more sensitive to both your feelings and HERS.

 

she is clearly not over him and is still trying to win him back. he should be keeping his distance, even if he wants to be there for her "as a friend"., he could do that with space in between to make sure she gets the message that her advances won't get her anywhere. instead, he is somewhat leading her on, in my opinion. whether it's intentional or not, it's hard to tell.

 

of course, in respect to you, he shouldn't be alone with her so often.. since she already tried to seduced him before. that's just disrespectful.

 

 

 

i *do* think that this is just a case of boy being a tad clueless... and that he's not doing this on purpose or anything. have you ever calmly expressed this to him?

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I don't think he's as clueless as all that. He is sophisticated enough to have had an open relationship, so he has put some thought into relationships and boundaries. When he was with her, if you were willing to accept an open relationship, would he have remained with her, also?

 

I think he's intrigued by her interest in him, and maintains a "friendship" with her, even though she clearly is interested in more. At the very least, he is giving her mixed messages, and keeping things from you. I don't believe it's all that innocent--he knows better than to keep things hidden.

 

I feel like he's making up his own rules, now, and making you feel like you aren't a nice person because you don't want him to be "friends" with her. It doesn't add up. I'm not saying he's done anything with her. I'm not saying he's lying. But, he is kind of keeping her in the background.

 

It's OK to set the boundaries for your own relationship, together. If he thinks it's perfectly reasonable to spend time alone in his exe's bedroom, helping her pack (come on...), and not telling you for a while--then maybe you and he don't agree on reasonable relationship behavior. It's fine for him to be loyal to his friends, but you are his girlfriend, and your feelings should matter for more than a little here.

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You have every right to question their friendship. She has already proven she has no qualms about crossing the line between friend and having sex with her friend... while you are in the picture!!!!

 

Furthermore, they have had a sexual, and relationship past together... which makes it even more troublesome. Face it, some people are 110% ok with exes in the picture. Some people are 110% OPPOSED to it. Where do you stand? Its your call, if you are not comfortable with her being around, then tell him as much. IF he cannot respect your feelings on this, and honor them, then tell him to take a hike. Given their history theres no reason for him to pull the 'shes just a friend routine' they passed that a while back.

 

At the absolute very least I would tell him that I did not want him hanging out alone with her in any way. No going to her house, and certainly not without telling you for a month. Thats a bunch of BS that he pulled there, and I would be very upset over that. He knows darn well if you were hanging out at some exes house in HIS BEDROOM he would be irate... so he should expect the same.

If he wants to see her, or talk to her they can meet at the bookstore... nothing more personal or private than that. If he cant handle that, then he still has feelings for her, or he doesnt respect you... either way its curb time.

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I think it's called 'keeping your options open' - I mean he has an 'open relationship' with her, he knows she still wants him and he keeps her hanging.

I agree he should be more sensitive to both your feelings - hers because she will never get over him if he keeps giving her hope and yours because he knows how this looks.

 

My gf (ex) went out for dinner/movies a few times with this girl who clearly wanted her. My gf thought she was just being friendly - when I pointed out how it made me feel she stopped seeing her even as a friend.

 

I think he is being unfair to both of you. He needs to show you a little more respect. And yes, if he MUST see her why does it have to be in her bedroom!!

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purpleduckie: That is what he said, he told that he didn't know that it was wrong to be in his ex's bedroom. The thing that he said was, "I promised that she would never be in my bedroom.". So apparently just because he didn't say the other thing, he thought it'd okay to be in hers.

 

unabashed: I feel that way sometimes, like he thinks I don't want him to be friends with her. From the very beginning of our relationship, I knew of their friendship, and didn't mind at all. Until recently, I never knew 100% if she still had feelings but she pretty much confirmed it.

 

Rabican: I don't care if they are friends because they have known each other for a long time. It just really depends on the lines that she cross. My boyfriend told me that he has stopped loving her a long time ago, but will always be there for her as a friend. I think it's harder for me, because despite him not loving her, he was still sexually involved with her until a month before we got together.

 

Lisa_Lisa: That is exactly my thought, why must he be in her bedroom. I don't care if they go get coffee together, but being in a private/intimate place is not accepted.

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