I really can't handle this anymore.

[Dylon]

A few months ago me, my brother Jadon, my best friend Parker, and my other friend Josh were all driving home, me behind the wheel. I don't remember anything before the crash, but from what the police said i was going fast and i must have hit the curb in our neighborhood. The car rolled, ejecting me my brother and parker. My brother died on the scene, he didn't even have a chance. It took me and Parker two months to recover, we weren't supposed to make it, but somehow pulled through. My brother was only a year younger then us, he was my best friend. We did everything together. God i just wish it was me! I blame myself everyday, and i know it was my fault. I have fallen into deep depression. The pain is just too much for me to handle and at this point in time I'm at a loss of what to do. I would trade places with him in seconds if i could. I just want to tell him how sorry i am, i want to see him again. He was an amazing person, could make anyone laugh, everyone loved him soo much. The pain i have caused everyone, parker and josh and all their families, my family, plus Jadon is just weighing down on me, and i don't deserve to be here. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so guilty, and i should. Man if i could just go back to that night!

 

JADON: im sorry i wish you got to be here for your 16th birthday, it was only a month away! They still celebrated for you, sorry i couldn't be there for it, but i heard everyone from school was there. Thats how much everyone misses and loves you. You really changed peoples lives J, its so horrible that things had to end up like this, I'm honestly so sorry..i love you so much, can't wait to see you again.

[Ac143]

I am so so so so sorry. This post made me tear up. I cant even imagine the pain & guilt you are going thru. It is still all so fresh, it only happened a few months ago.

 

I know no matter what I say it will not make you feel better but please seek counseling to help deal with this. Its going to be a hard road but Im sure your brother does not want you & your family suffering this way!

 

**HUGS** to you & your whole family! My thoughts & prayers are with you

[melrich]

I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so guilty, and i should.

 

This is a tragic event and it is still so recent. I am not surprised that you don't know what to do anymore. It is going to take you a long time to find your own peace with this and you need to recognise that and give yourself that time. It's not going to be easy, I won't kid you about that. But one tragedy is enough. You will do much to heal yourself and others by living a good life yourself.

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the pain you must be going through.

 

and i don't deserve to be here.

 

You must realize one thing. Just as your brother did not "deserve" to die, neither did you.

 

You were driving, may have been speeding (something most of us do daily- including myself) but you did not intend to hurt anyone. It was a tragic accident.

 

You loved your brother and would not do anything to intentionally hurt him.

 

You are going to feel guilt- but always remember what your intentions were that night- to spend some fun time with your brother and friends. You are not a bad person, You are worthy of life, worthy of love, including your parents' love.

 

I really think you should get into grief counseling. It won't take away what happened, but with help you may be able to cope better. I read one of your other posts and it appears that you are suicidal. Please get help.

 

Bella

[berrypatch]

I feel very sorry for what you are going through. I cannot imagine your pain and remorse. The only thing that I can think of to tell you is that you must remember your intent. You had no intent to harm anyone, let alone your dear brother. Try to think if the car had been driven by another, and you had died. If you could see from beyond the grave(and I believe we do) you would not want the driver to be wracked with guilt or pain. You would still love him and you would want him to be free from emotional pain. Try to imagine what your brother would say to you. Sit in front of an empty chair and have a conversation with him. Tell him your pain and speak to him of your love for him. This is a tool that can help you to release your feelings.

And yes, you do need to talk with a trained therapist or counselor to work through your emotions. Everything you are feeling now is normal for the situation. YOu will get through this and you will smile and feel joy again, it will take a lot of time and hard work. Good Luck, and I will keep you in my prayers.

[thegirl_00]

Everyone I know has sped while driving. Good people and bad people speed. Most of the time people don't even realize they are speeding.

 

For something like this to happen to a good person like you is unfair, but I'm sure everyone realizes this wasn;t your intention and im sure they love you.

 

My heart breaks for you, and I think it would be a good idea to get counseling. Would you consider that? You shouldn't have to live with the guilt you are feeling. There are people to help you through this. We are here, your friends and family are there, and professional help is there.

[thejigsup]

You are young, you didn't have the driving experience to handle a simple miscalculation. You are just a kid! You shouldn't blame yourself for an accident, and that is what it was, an accident. As others have said, you did nothing on purpose, you had no evil intent. I'm sure your brother does not want you to be so hard on yourself, nor do your parents. They need you now more than ever. Maybe you could go around to schools and tell your story and warn kids not to speed. That may save another group of kids from a tragedy, and it may very well help you heal. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you find your peace with this and go on to live a life that helps others. Your heart seems so full and giving, and that is rare to find in this world.