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Totally Confused


cupcake74

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Hi everyone,

I have been with my girlfriend for about a year and half. We have a 9 year age difference - I'm 34, she's 25. I know, without a doubt that she's "the one". Over the last 6 months or so I've come to realize this. We've talked about it a couple times, and she has been saying she thought I might be "the one" for her too. However, still still debating, and I feel like we're starting to reach a dead end because of it. Just last week she said she didn't know if she was ready to only be with one person forever. And she was worried that our age difference may be in issue someday. She said she wasn't into wasting time, and wouldn't still be with me, if she didn't think we had a future together, yet these seem like red flags to me, and I should just walk away.

 

Early on in our relationship, I told her by the time two people have been together 2 years, they should know if they're going to get married (just my opinion), and she is holding to that. She said we should talk about it again when we hit 2 years. Now I feel like I'm on a 6 month countdown to wait and see if she really wants to be with me. Not exactly my dream way of finding out if someone wants to love me forever - "times up, I'll guess I'll stay with you if I have to make a decision" isn't very romantic, ya know?

 

Am I crazy? Maybe I should just calm down and let things take their course, but at the same time, I feel like I'm just waiting around to get hurt.

 

Thoughts??

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Just last week she said she didn't know if she was ready to only be with one person forever.

 

When someone says those words, it is time to walk away. There is nothing magical that is going to happen six months from now if she is concerned about being with one person forever, and she is concerned about the age difference. Sometimes it is actually losing someone which gets them off their butts to make a decision. She has seen all there is to see in you right now..another 6 months won't change it...she is experiencing doubts now. Sounds to me like she is stalling for time and holding you to the "carved in stone" deadline you set out at the beginning. There is no carved in stone deadline...it really depends on the people involved. Some know in less than a year others it takes 5 years. Maybe it will take her 5 years to know if you are the one or maybe she will never know and keep stalling for time. You need to decide what you want to do..whether you wait around for her or not. If she simply would have said she is not ready for marriage yet, it is too soon..that's one thing...but the fact that she is concerned about basically never dating anyone else is indeed a cause for concern.

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Honestly 9 years after 24 isn't that different, esp between a man and a woman.

 

 

After all, there isn't exactly anything I can think of that would make it an issue. You aren't going to menopause in ten years and you are still young.

 

It sounds to me like she is just using that as an excuse to say hey I am not ready to settle down yet and even if I am I am not sure if I want it to be with you.

 

Leave her or put distance between her. The more you say you love her or tell her she is 'the one' the more pressured she will be, and it sounds like your pressuring 'might' have led to this situation. You are pressuring her to feel a certain way. After all, you are 'debating this' using terms like 'the one and marriage.'

 

What are you thinking????? Let her decide that.

 

I bet you if you weren't so quick to want to marry her either you might not be in this situation.

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I am sorry you're going through this but I agree with crazyaboutdogs 100%. When someone says those words, it is time to walk away - could not have said it better. Your primary responsibility is to be true to yourself and if you feel certain at this point that you know you are ready, it is a make or break decision. the only reason for you to "wait it out," is to prolong this decision, which can only lead to pain. If you tell her that you are not cool with the indecision and walk away, then you force her hand. If she was going to decide on you in 6 months she certainly won't want to lose you now. If not, you will find someone else who is wonderful and who will meet all of your needs.

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We talked about it again last night, and she explained that her heart feels the same as mine, she's just worried about all the practical things. She said she's felt like she was with "the one" a couple of other times, and the person always just left her anyway. She said she wants it to be 100% right this time, and she still feels like she's trying to figure out important life things like career, etc.

 

I said maybe I need to move on, and she said she wants to continue to have these types of heart-to-hearts, and asked me not just bail on her. She said she doesn't want to let me go. But she also said if I'm not getting what I need from her, she understands if I leave.

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