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So, last Saturday night my ex contacted me once again via e-mail and in a very aggressive demanding tone told me I need to come get my stuff, that she shouldn't have to "cart it to W." (our mutual friend), especially since "I don't talk to W. anymore" (how she obtained this information is beyond me and I suppose she and W. have been talking and this came up since I haven't talked to W since early November which is another story, I called him up immediately following that e-mail explaining why I hadn't talked to him.) She also asked for my keys to our apartment back since she's moving out in a few weeks.

 

I had asked my ex, M. for no contact way back on September 1 when she rejected me. I even reinforced it hardcore two days later. She e-mailed me a month and a half later with a simple "Hi, how are you?" I ignored it. She texted my cell phone two more weeks after that, "Hey hows everything going?" I ignored that. Then she e-mailed again two weeks after that with "Hey, how are you? I still have some of your stuff and would appreciate if you would come this weekend and get it." I ignored that one as well. Then on my birthday on Nov 25th she sent an e-mail "Happy birthday and I actually did reply, saying "Thanks." Got a "You're welcome" back. No contact since until this last Saturday night. And yes, this one will be disposed of immediately with no reply.

 

I'm very angry and feel disrespected that yet again my ex contacted me last Saturday. I'm even more mad by her angry and demanding tone. Seems really mean for her to say our friend W. shouldnt have to keep up with my stuff and I should come get it myself. W. actually went and got my things the days following her rejection of me because he knew I didn't want to see her or have contact with her in any way shape or form, that I wanted to move on. Evidently there was some left over stuff. I have no idea whats remaining because I thought we cleared out our apartment. Plus W. went back to get my things at my request back in Sept after she said the rest of my things were gathered up. IMO, if she wants my things gone, she's going to have to "cart it to W." I shouldnt have to come back and get it and bring back all the pain by going back to our apartment and possibly even seeing her.

 

I am not reading any alterior motives. She probably is mad that she still has my things. She may have a new bf that's she moving in with. But for her to say she won't have W. pick it up because he shouldn't have to look after it... what the? That's just being a jerk in my view. My friend knows the pain I was in and knows that I don't want to see her or be around her.

 

I have no desire to get back together. I want to move on from her - getting my stuff back myself would reopen wounds. I'm just mad that despite "please don't talk to me again" she still talks to me. She should just contact W. for my stuff. I mean she had since early November to do this. Ridiculous. Do you think I ticked her off by ignoring her e-mails?

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Maybe you should reply to her and tell her you have no interest in your "stuff" and if it bothers her so much having it there then to give it to your friend to hold. Or if it's something you truly don't need, tell her to throw it out. Then tell her it's the last time you will be responding to her. And who cares if it ticks her off?/TOO bad!!!

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YES! I think you have made her mad, but that is NOT your problem, honestly she needs to understand that just like you respected her wishes when she rejected you, she needs to respect your wishes of NC. She is being very petty and going the wrong way of telling you whatever it is she is trying to move your 'conversation' into. Just ignore her, especially if you really don't want to get back with her. She will prob either get to breaking point of drastic measures of getting in touch or get bored and move on.

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I've been on the other side of the situation -- my ex had my things and would not return them. I even sent him a check to cover the cost of mailing my items and even then, he wouldn't do it.

 

In the end, I had to put on my big girl panties and go retrieve my things even though I did not want to see him.

 

This is one of those loose ends that need to be taken care of in the aftermath of a relationship. You are using NC to avoid taking care of it. IMO, you have a responsibilty here and you need to deal with it.

 

If you do not want your items back, then tell her she can trash them. If you want your items back, then make arrangements to get them -- your items, your responsibilty.

 

As for the key you still have, common courtesy would dictate that if you are no longer living there and you have broken up that the key should be returned...actually should've been returned a long time ago. Since the key is in your possession, it's on you to return it. Mailing it with a return receipt (where she has to sign for it to prove she got it) is probably the cheapest easiest way.

 

Would you rather she just pitched your remaining items without giving you the opportunity to get them back? That would piss me off more.

 

Item retrieval after a break-up is not pleasant, but it's something that needs to be handled. The more you can make it a strictly business transaction and not bring a lot of drama into it by thinking about "it's going to hurt to see her" and the like, the better off you will be.

 

The simplest way for you to handle this if you don't want to see her is to email or text her something along the lines of: "Thanks for letting me know. I don't want any of those items back, you can just throw them out. I will be mailing the key to you."

 

And then mail the key and be done with it.

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This is why I don’t approve of No Contact… Did you tell her what you were doing and what her issues were (giving her complete closure) before you proceeded with not talking to her?

 

As a girl, It’s harder to deal with a guy just not talking to you out of the blue. –Especially if the both of you went through a lot.

 

Closure is the best thing you can offer and just make it clear to her that you don’t wish to further communication right now.

 

In my opinion, you’d be more of a * * * * * * * if you ignore someone who seems to want your attention and feels hurt by it-which explains her aggressiveness.

 

I’m not saying you have to go find her, and talk to her. But perhaps…send her an email and tell her the truth. Tell her it’s gone on far enough and she needs to find another way to occupy her time.

 

(I don’t know ya’lls past so please forgive me).

 

But yeah. I think the more polite, and honestly, more mature way to handle it would be to let her know that you’d rather not speak with her. What’s done is done. –Even if you’ve said it before…say it again. Afterwards, block her email (send it to the Spam Folder for example). And continue on with your no contact and moving on…

 

That’s at least my opinion.

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Whatever could be remaining is not worth going to our apartment over and reopening wounds. As far as the key is concerned, I actually threw that away a long time ago. Nothing I can do about that.

 

Well, if you really want her to leave you alone, block her email and phone number. Problem solved!!!!

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Whatever could be remaining is not worth going to our apartment over and reopening wounds. As far as the key is concerned, I actually threw that away a long time ago. Nothing I can do about that.

 

Yes, there is.

 

It doesn't cost much to have a new key cut. I'd mail her, like $5, with a note saying you can't find the key but the $5 should cover the cost of a replacement so she can have two keys to turn in to the landlord when she moves out.

 

But that's only if you want to do the right and honorable thing. That key was not technically "yours" to dispose of as you wished. If you want to be a jerk about it, then maintain your NC and don't offer to correct your error if the landlord decides to kick up a fuss about the missing key.

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He's taken the appropriate action for her to give him his stuff through their mutual friend. If you read his posts, she won't accept their mutual friend to gather his belongings or for her to give it to him. He doesn't want to rehash old wounds. This loose end has been tied up already, she's trying to undo the knot, he doesn't need to put himself in a position where she can magically find something of his and contact him to come pick it up. What she's doing is selfish, she can't just give it to their mutual friend? She can throw a fit all she wants.

 

WadeCure, you're doing everything right. You're putting your healing first! You're cordial, have made a means for her to get rid of your things to "W".

 

 

 

 

You don't owe her anything, in any form of contact or whatsoever. You've taken the appropriate steps to not reopen healing wounds. If she cannot respect your wishes and give your things to "W", just look at it as her trying to make contact and keep you in her life.

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He's taken the appropriate action for her to give him his stuff through their mutual friend. If you read his posts, she won't accept their mutual friend to gather his belongings or for her to give it to him. He doesn't want to rehash old wounds. This loose end has been tied up already, she's trying to undo the knot, he doesn't need to put himself in a position where she can magically find something of his and contact him to come pick it up. What she's doing is selfish, she can't just give it to their mutual friend? She can throw a fit all she wants.

 

Perhaps in a perfect world.

 

But it is not a perfect world, and the fact that she is not going to accept that as a solution is what he has to deal with.

 

Not dealing with it has let it drag out this long....and will allow it to continue.

 

Dealing with it in the way I described puts and end to it NOW.

 

Now, are you going to stand on how "things should be" or are you going to go for the practical solution that brings the situation to an end? Seems to me bringing the situation to an end quickly is going to do more to promote healing than letting it drag on.

 

WadeCure, you're doing everything right. You're putting your healing first! You're cordial, have made a means for her to get rid of your things to "W".

 

Prolonging the situation is not putting his healing first in the long run.

 

You don't owe her anything, in any form of contact or whatsoever. You've taken the appropriate steps to not reopen healing wounds. If she cannot respect your wishes and give your things to "W", just look at it as her trying to make contact and keep you in her life.

 

It's not about owing anyone anything. It's about figuring out what you can control and what you cannot control and finding a solution there.

 

He can't control what she does or does not do.

 

He can only control what he does. And that's enough to bring an end to the situation in very short order.

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Yes, there is.

 

It doesn't cost much to have a new key cut. I'd mail her, like $5, with a note saying you can't find the key but the $5 should cover the cost of a replacement so she can have two keys to turn in to the landlord when she moves out.

 

But that's only if you want to do the right and honorable thing. That key was not technically "yours" to dispose of as you wished. If you want to be a jerk about it, then maintain your NC and don't offer to correct your error if the landlord decides to kick up a fuss about the missing key.

 

I think you're reading into this wrong. He's going to be a "jerk" by maintaining NC? He's simply putting himself first and not putting himself in a position where he can be hurt. He is healing and he's done everything appropriately for himself. The key is a small thing, it all seems like petty reasons to contact him and keep dangling a nice carrot in front of him. He set up a connection to get his things or belongings from her to him.

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I think you're reading into this wrong. He's going to be a "jerk" by maintaining NC? He's simply putting himself first and not putting himself in a position where he can be hurt. He is healing and he's done everything appropriately for himself. The key is a small thing, it all seems like petty reasons to contact him and keep dangling a nice carrot in front of him. He set up a connection to get his things or belongings from her to him.

 

No, I'm not.

 

I've dealt with a number of landlords. Some of them can be mighty picky about stuff when you move out.

 

He took a key that was provided by the landlord and threw it out. Wasn't his key. Since he moved out he's not on the hook at the end of the lease to return it...but she is.

 

The classy thing to do is to take responsibilty for one's actions (throwing out a key that you knew was supposed to be returned to the landlord) and attempting to make it right.

 

He does not have to have any direct contact with her to do that. One way contact via mail will take care of it.

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I do not see how it could possibly make me a "jerk" to break NC in this case. I feel like I'm being treated disrespectfully for her not to return my stuff to "W." Why should I respect someone who doesn't respect me? If you don't see the disrespect from her, try getting contacted after explicitly asking for no contact. Did I mention that two days later the first time I asked her "please don't talk to me again..." she told me she had my stuff gathered up.... that I told her "I asked you explicitly not to contact me please respect that, I'll have W. pick it up."

 

Didn't learn lesson first time?

 

I have more self-respect than give somebody so-called "courtesy" when the same is not being extended to me. I'm not seeing where I'm being wrong here. Please enlighten me.

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I do not see how it could possibly make me a "jerk" to break NC in this case. I feel like I'm being treated disrespectfully for her not to return my stuff to "W." Why should I respect someone who doesn't respect me? If you don't see the disrespect from her, try getting contacted after explicitly asking for no contact. Did I mention that two days later the first time I asked her "please don't talk to me again..." she told me she had my stuff gathered up.... that I told her "I asked you explicitly not to contact me please respect that, I'll have W. pick it up."

 

Didn't learn lesson first time?

 

I have more self-respect than give somebody so-called "courtesy" when the same is not being extended to me. I'm not seeing where I'm being wrong here. Please enlighten me.

 

It's not about right or wrong -- it has now become about getting this situation to end, period, end of sentence.

 

You can do that with one-way contact to her as follows:

 

"I don't want any of those things, you can throw them out.

I can't find the key, here's $5 for a replacement so the landlord doesn't give you crap.

Now that these issues are cleared up, you should have no further reason to contact me."

 

The way you're going about it, it's turned into a game and a test of wills and both of you carrying around ideas about how the other "should" act. I doubt either of you are going to budge on how the other "should" act, which means this is going to stay deadlocked and going on til....????

 

So, you want it to end or you want to hang on to lofty ideas about respect and who should do what and so on?

 

Like I said, I've been through a break up or two...some of them way nasty. What's going to help your healing most is dealing head on with and eliminating ANY possible, known reasons for the other person to contact you. Short term pain for long term gain, if you will. Bringing things to a swift, decisive end can be painful....but it's better than hanging on (and on and on and on) to ideas that the other party should be doing something other than what they are....because, they're probably NOT going to change their tune.

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I do not see how it could possibly make me a "jerk" to break NC in this case.

You’re mixing a couple things together that don’t go together.

 

Reverse the situation – you are living with an SO in a shared apartment and, for whatever reason, you break up. You stay in the shared apartment and your now ex-SO moves out. They take an apartment key with them. You have no intention of getting back together, let alone living under the same roof with this person again, so you ask for the apartment key back. They don’t give it back.

 

I doubt the first thing you think is a sincere, “What a nice person they are to keep the key.”

 

That’s the part that’s jerky behavior. It has nothing to do with you maintaining NC.

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