jennamajig Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Hi folks: Well, I posted that I was taking a break and I did. I don't come here that often because I needed to just step away. Take a deep breath. But I figured I'd give a little update for those who are curious. In a couple of days it will be 4 months since my ex broke things off with me. January wasn't a great month and I am very very happy it is over, frankly. But there is a light and for once, I can finally say I see it. I started seeing a counselor at work. I have my second appointment tomorrow morning. Doing this was a huge step on my part because it was a conscious step to *want* to get through this and the biggest thing I could do to truly help *me*. I realized how much I'd forgotten about me and what *I* really wanted in life. I'm still not sure what I do want, but I am working on it. I went back to church and have been immersing myself into that community. Been meeting new people, including going to Superbowl party when I knew almost no one last night (this is a big deal for me - I am very shy when I first meet folks, then I open up) and I was glad I went. I renewed my library card and have been reading book after book. I hadn't read much in ages! I've been spending time to myself on the weekends, watching reruns of shows I loved, but never watched anymore. Forcing myself to go out when I didn't feel it wasn't working, so I found that just taking some time to myself was. I do venture out on my own now, to the library, shopping, wandering. I do feel touches of loneliness, but that won't last forever. I want to be with the *right* person, not just a person. I pass him often on the street, walking to the train, etc. We pass as if we are two strangers, which does make me sad. But I did realize how imperfect our relationship was. I gave a lot to make him happy and in the last few months, he didn't give much to make me happy. And if he did, he complained about it, or the money, or life. He wasn't happy. I was at the time - perhaps blindly happy in love. I was ready for the next step, he wasn't. I could accept all his faults, he couldn't accept any of mine. I deserve someone that will. I learned a few things. I did a lot of thinking about my decision to move in with him, which I did because I thought he was the "one." I learned a hard truth about it and won't be doing it again with someone until I get a stronger commitment. I'm not perfect and I'm not without my faults in the end. But a truly good relationship needs good communication and a 50/50 commitment - two things that were not there for my ex and I. I do want to date again, but I'm still a little scared. I gave all of myself to my ex and learning to trust again has been hard for me. I hope that part I can work out through counseling. But the long and short...it does get better. It really does. While I still have a few strides to make, I finally feel like the "me" inside me is returning, bit by bit. I finally wake up and say "You know what - he wasn't perfect and you do deserve better" and actually believe it. I do miss the friendship of my ex. I do hate how it ended. And someday, if I am truly the bigger person, I may reach out a hand to say hi again. But I don't think about that now. Being strangers hurts, but in the end you're indifferent to them because they are that - strangers.
Ac143 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 This is great to hear, you really have come a long way Jenna. I'm glad you are doing ok & realize you will do just fine.
jennamajig Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Thanks guys! Sure, pain still invades and that may still happen for a bit, but I can proudly say that I am doing much better than before (to quote Elle Woods in the Legally Blonde musical "I am so better than before!" - Great song for gals going through a break-up).
peace_lily Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Hi Jenna, I really identify with your post. I'm also at 4 months broken up, 2 months NC. Other than the fact that I don't see my ex at all. I feel much the way you do. It's nice to see someone on the same page.
cookiedough1 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 jenna, good to hear your progress! i love reading posts like these...it reminds us that it can/will get better. it's great to hear that you're doing things for yourself now. Sometimes, we forget to take care of ourselves because we're too busy dwelling on our own sorrow. Keep going! Hopefully, with every month, your progress will increase
crab62 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 you rock!!, I love it!! You sound so strong!! You have come a looooooooooooooooong way baby!!! That is awesome.... you deserve this... you really do. You worked hard for it, and it will all work out in the end. Good work... I'm so glad you are feeling better!! It's great to feel good isn't it, I love it Love the post... I'm so happy for you.
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