Baby_doll Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Ok...This is not a typical 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' question. I could've posted this in several forums. So...I have been with my boyfriend since December 2007 and we have been conducting a long-ish distance relationship over 175 miles. We've seen each other nearly every weekend and during holiday periods in that time. When we first met, he told me I was perfect for him, that he loved me and he did things really quickly like, I met his parents and whole family very very quickly. I'm his first relationship, so I was thinking, ok, he just doesn't know the rules on that kind of stuff. So, we carry on, but he was never very touchy feely from day 1, even when I knew that he loved me. This is to do with embarrassment and also his professional work role: he doesn't want to be seen doing these things in his own head. So, I never worried about the touchy feely business, it bothered me, but I let it go. 9 months into our relationship, we went on a massive holiday. It cost loads of money and it was a big adventure. Now, when he had been telling me from the beginning that he loved me, I was the perfect person etc, I didn't know whether I felt that about him, but ever since we went on this big holiday, I came round to the reasoning that I did love him and that this was going in the right direction. However, in December 2008, he went all quiet on me and ignored me on one particular day and I received soap as an Xmas present.... So, I kicked off some questions and this is where it got confusing... He said: I feel like I don't know whether I'm in love with you and just lately I've been thinking the grass may be greener. I've not done anything, but other girls and dating are seeming appealing to me. This is why I've been withdrawn for the last month. I'm confused and I don't know how I should feel. But.... and here's the big but. He said that he really wants to be with me and that I am his first girl, but that he still likes to think that he wants me to be his last....So, I am utterly confused. I've read a lot of stuff on this and the whole 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' forums, books, people's opinions, etc don't seem to match this situation. Whenever I've read professional opinion, it has said that passion has been lost, sex has ebbed, total communication has been lost, this person maybe wants to leave you....but none of this is true and I'm not in denial! We've always had very passionate sex, we've always talked (maybe not as deeply as we should) and he doesn't want to leave me. The reason why I'm posting this is because, as a woman, I take what I hear to be literal. I myself, fell out of love with someone once, but I didn't want to be near him, didn't want sex with him. Is it possible that men say things like because they get scared and that it's not really what they mean, it's just the closest thing to match their confusion? I'd like to hear from anyone in this situation and from guys please!
Whiskers Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 It might be that he doesn't feel he's had enough experience, that he hasn't had his chance to go off and do things that people do before they settle down. Where as for some people this is fine and the fact they haven't been "out there" doesn't phase them, it does usually cause others to want what they haven't had. It's likely that he does see his future as being with you but he isn't ready for it. Your best option, though not simple or easy, is to say "okay...go, I won't wait, I can't be your friend but if and when you are ready, you can find me." It doesn't have to be harsh, it'll hurt but you can't stick around and watch from the sidelines as he does whatever it is he feels he can't do without. At least he's been honest with you about it. Shield your heart and put in plenty of distance. If he loves you enough to be with you now, he'll see it and come back - then deal with it. My ex used to hate that I had more experience than him. I gave him that space and now he doesn't want it! Sadly, I'm engaged and getting married without regrets. XXXX
Baby_doll Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Thanks for the advice...I hear what you're saying, but at the moment, something inside me is telling me to stick around. I've told him this is a ticking clock and he has done a massive amount of things differently in the last month. The thing with him feeling like he may be missing out is one thing I don't get....he's 29?? He never went with anyone else or started a serious relationship, not because he couldn't or didn't fancy anyone/they didn't fancy him, it was because he actively chose not to. I don't understand how it could not bother him then, but now he has what he claims he has always wanted, why would he suddenly feel the need to now?
Timebandit Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 The thing with him feeling like he may be missing out is one thing I don't get....he's 29?? He never went with anyone else or started a serious relationship, not because he couldn't or didn't fancy anyone/they didn't fancy him, it was because he actively chose not to. I don't understand how it could not bother him then, but now he has what he claims he has always wanted, why would he suddenly feel the need to now? It does sound like he has some considerable attachment issues. Fear of abandonment or fear of enmeshment (losing ones own identity in a relationship) could be amon the underlying emotions. He might however not be consciously aware of what is going on. Which explanation has given as to why he chose not to be in a relationship?
Baby_doll Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 At the beginning of our relationship, he said that he had always wanted a relationship, but that he could never find what he was looking for....until I came along. He wanted a proper relationship that would last and so, he never had any loose relationships...he never had sex. My current plan is this: To stay with him, because he is making a HUGE effort at the moment, but if he still can't tell me if he does love me or come to some kind of conclusion (I've suggested he go for counselling), then I'm going to do what Whiskers suggested and say: go away and think about it, but I'm not waiting for you. I have already told him this when we had a huge confrontation about our feelings. I told him, if you want to go and explore other women, do it, but I'm not hanging around and I'm not coming back to you. He didn't go. He has since said, that I opened his eyes to the 'grass is greener' issue and made him realise that he would just be running away from confronting issues he has and that he wouldn't be happy with other girls. All I'm wondering is what kind of time frame to put on this, but it's something only I can decide.
Timebandit Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 At the beginning of our relationship, he said that he had always wanted a relationship, but that he could never find what he was looking for....until I came along. He wanted a proper relationship that would last and so, he never had any loose relationships...he never had sex. I think it is quite plausible to suggest that his behaviour regarding relationships is somewhat fear-based (again - he might not be aware of this). And it is also safe to say, that even if he has somewhat disrupted his pattern (by getting involved with you) he is continuing his pattern by doubting the relationship with you. Do you know anything about his past that would suggest having such fears? (such as family dysfunctions, parental divorce or other losses). I also think that it is important not to state things as ultimatums, as these will just push him away. But you need to state that you need someone who wants you. No anger, no fighting - just state your needs. Also state if you are willing to help in any way, such as taking it slow, giving him space etc.
Baby_doll Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 I haven't threatened him in any way, I just made it clear that I need to feel like I'm worth something. We have been talking loads, which is why I'm still sticking around. I found out recently that he has had family issues for years. His mum and dad have a secret which may result in divorce at some point, but he had to deal with that throughout growing up. He kept that from me for 13 months, but now I see what an effect it may have had upon him. I'm giving him space, but I'm also withdrawing a little, to save myself. I do feel like he's becoming more interested in me as I apparently start to care less. He chased me at the beginning of our relationship and one thing that damaged him in his life was that he had a crush on someone which resulted in his humiliation, but he still pursued her, even though she wasn't interested. I've seen from him that he requires acknowledgement...this is why I think that thinking he may want to be with other girls is just an illusion and that what he really wants is to chase people not interested in him, so he can in some way hurt himself through trying to get recognition? I made it too easy for him, once he beat me down, I fell in love with him. I've made it too easy for him. I'm not a pushover. Usually in this circumstance, I would walk away, but I'm afraid this time, I thought he was the one for me, and so, it doesn't matter if I stay or go, I will hurt either way.
1MoreChance Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 "..... He said: I feel like I don't know whether I'm in love with you and just lately I've been thinking the grass may be greener. I've not done anything, but other girls and dating are seeming appealing to me. This is why I've been withdrawn for the last month. I'm confused and I don't know how I should feel. But.... and here's the big but. He said that he really wants to be with me and that I am his first girl, but that he still likes to think that he wants me to be his last....So, I am utterly confused....." *** Hi, sorry you are confused. He has no experience. He also really cares about you, which is probably very significant to him. Just don't get hurt by ignoring the msgs he is giving you (above). My ex told me for months I was the first he experienced love with, he cares about me and has feelings for me, etc. etc., but he is still gone (confused was the main thing, needs to live his life, figure out what he wants). Let him go and date and experience life. That is what I am doing. I do think when they say "I don't know if I am in love with you, and I want to see other people and I don't want a relationship right now, etc", that those are very clear msgs. Tha thing he says about u were his first and wants u to be his last... my ex met a girl about 2 weeks ago and I saw him when he was 4 days into it, very confused. he for the 1st time acted cold and pretty rejecting toward me, telling me to "forget him". He ALSO told me, in that same conversation of about 1 hour, that "maybe u are the love of my lif and I want to destroy it all and look back on it later and say I lost the love of my life" (he is very upset, crying at one point, withdraw...)...... He always told me I was the person he loved more than "anyone in the world". Yep... A few days later he was saying "I love you more than anything" to this girl on an internet profile. She is 17, I found out (my ex is 22). I KNOW it is pure craziness, but it is happenning nevertheless. I spoke to him 2 nights ago, told him I saw the profile in question, and he said "don,t pay attention to that, it,s not what u think", I asked if he was happy with her, he answered "No". But he no longer calls me... EVER. Since he met her. And he sounds and acts differently (the very few times we spoke). I know she is rebound and that he is confused... but his feelings changed... It hurts because I still love him very much. But there comes a point when you have to stop hurting yourself and being involved with people who maniputlate you even if they don't mean to. (I manipulated him in my own way too and I think that is a big reason he left me). Please, see the signs and take a break from it all. This guy sounds like he is clearly telling you he is not ready to be with you the way you would like it. Take care (I like Pearl jam BTW )
Baby_doll Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 I am taking the signs, but I'm not ready to let go I guess? I just don't believe what he's telling me is true. Nothing is matching up. What you said about wanting to self destruct and say 'I lost the love of me life' is very true. He has 3 best friends and 2 of them 'lost the love of their lives' and have lived in woe, drifting in and out of casual relationships because they can't find that special girl because no one matches up to the girl they let go of-copy cat behaviour maybe?
1MoreChance Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 "It does sound like he has some considerable attachment issues. Fear of abandonment or fear of enmeshment (losing ones own identity in a relationship)..." Time Bandit I have that and I think it majorly affected my last relationship. I am *finally* ready to deal with it before getting ionvolve din a relationship. My last one taught me more than anything about my needs and loving yourself and I am thankful for it. I still love him and have some hope, though since I saw he was with a new girl my heart has somehwta colsed and hardened. And I am pretty darn sure my ex's heart closed and hardened becasue of how I treated him at times because of the above issues.
1MoreChance Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 "I am taking the signs, but I'm not ready to let go I guess? I just don't believe what he's telling me is true. Nothing is matching up. What you said about wanting to self destruct and say 'I lost the love of me life' is very true. He has 3 best friends and 2 of them 'lost the love of their lives' and have lived in woe, drifting in and out of casual relationships because they can't find that special girl because no one matches up to the girl they let go of-copy cat behaviour maybe? " Baby Doll Sounds very vulnerable, victim and rejection-addcited to me. I am also like that. I victimised myself all my life because my father victimed me through mainly psychological abuse (raginf against my mother for years after she divorced him, making me spy on her and tell him what she was doing, wh she was seeing, telling me "your mother doesn't love ou, your mother is a * * * * ,...", telling me "her family and friends are all bad people"... I have MAJOR trust issues, I doubted my self all my life, I seek approval from others ,etc etc. My mom also was pretty harsh and critical, and emotionally cut off from me, so I felt really alone. I felt I had no one. Now they have no accountability and I am left to do the healing work. It's horrible. My ex also has issues, comes from a war torn country and imigrated as a 7 year old with his broher. His mom had already left them with her own parents, to go work in the States and Canada. History of instability, abuse, and never knowing his father. It's a hard life, but love will prevail. I believe we are here to heal.
Baby_doll Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Baby Doll Sounds very vulnerable, victim and rejection-addcited to me. I am also like that. No, I am not vulnerable, I'm not a victim and I do not get any kick from rejection. I have walked away from every single one of my guys and will not be afraid to do so this time. I realise that while ever I am letting him make up his mind, I am not knowing whether he loves me...let me tell you this....he does love me, he just needs to realise it. Whether he does or not, is no longer my problem. I am here, not to be abused, but because it makes very little difference whether I stay or go to my psychology. If I'm with him, I have this hard task of waiting to see what happens....if I go, i get to sit with my own pain. I never stuck around in 11 years worth of relationships...I always walked and so, I guess I'm trying to make myself into a different person. I'm harsh, I listen to what people tell me then jump to my own conclusions...but what if what people tell you is not really what they feel at all, but merely a cry for help? I've always stamped over people just to save my own soul, but my own soul never benefitted from anything like that, so I'm taking this approach instead.
Batya33 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Sounds like you are focusing too much on the words and not on the actions/behavior. He wants to date other people or at least have the option to date other people. Whether or not he is madly in love with you, loves you, believes he loves you but is not in love with you - doesn't matter. What matters is whether you are ok with sharing him with other people and/or knowing that if the opportunity presents itself to him he would seriously consider it. I wouldn't get caught up in analyzing what the words mean or what the signs of "in love" are because he's made it direct and plain that he wants to react to his feelings (whatever they are) by doing some comparison shopping. This could work fine if you also would be open to casual dating but not if you want to continue being exclusive. Since you love him, set him free to comparison shop, and if he comes back to you and if you are still available and interested, consider giving him another chance.
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