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I hate fighting!


redrose85

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Posted

I am just so angry I can't sleep. All afternoon and evening, my boyfriend would just not be quiet. He got into this extremely hyperactive mood and was driving me up the wall. I asked, I begged, I PLEADED with him to calm down. Nothing. It got worse, actually. I wasn't feeling well today, and I just wanted to spend my non-work, non-school day relaxing quietly and doing a bit of studying. He just would not shut up, and it finally got to the point where we were going to bed, I finally just told him to leave me alone, shut up, and go to sleep. He was trying to tickle me, pinch me, etc... and I had already said ENOUGH. I said (ouch) I'm sick and tired of listening to you, just stop! He gets fidgety like a five year old sometimes, and just acts really loud and obnoxious. After a day of putting up with it and trying not to explode, I exploded. I was mean, yeah. I appologized, but the damage is done.

 

Now he is hurt, calling me a nag, blah blah. Saying that I could have just gone into the bedroom if I wanted quiet. Go into the bedroom all day? No thanks. I hardly think that's fair. I shouldn't have to exile myself just for some peace and quiet, like I am trying to get away from a kid. That's exactly how he was acting- like a kid. I suggested that when he gets hyper like that, to go for a walk, and just get out of the house for a bit. That didn't go over well. So apparently it's all my problem, I'm just a terrible person and a nag, and when I'm annoyed, it's because I "choose" to be annoyed... no... it's not that the person around me is annoying at all! That couldn't possibly be it. I told him that when he is tired/trying to study and not feeling well, I am going to go out of my way to annoy/harass him... give him the respect he gave me today. He said it is just that we were in very different moods and didn't mesh well, but for me, it's a respect issue. I can't study with the tv on, and he balked when I asked him to turn it off (he was playing a computer game) I was way too hot, and opened the window. He walked by it, and closed it almost all the way. When I asked him to open it back up (after asking if he was too cold) he said something about how I always close the window... I finally just got up and opened it again. I asked him to pick a pencil up that he dropped on the floor (I waited a couple of hours before it really started bugging me) and apparently that makes me a nag. I am exhausted and angry right now.

 

Humph!

Posted

I think you were both at fault.

 

He was being annoying but it looked like you were looking for things to be annoyed about as well.

 

for instance:

 

  • If he was playing a game on the TV why should he have to turn it off because you were studying - why couldn't you go into the bedroom to study?
  • Why do you get to choose whether the window is open - does his opinion not count too?
  • Does it really matter that a pencil is on the floor?

It looks as if you were both needling each other and that you both should apologise and try to compromise more over things.

Posted

Maybe he is right... maybe it was just a case of being in completely opposite moods and clashing.

 

The window thing- I asked him if he was too cold, he said no. I said okay, I'm too hot, so please open it back up. He wouldn't, so I did.

 

He keeps the window beside our bed open all night, every night. Once in a blue moon he will close it. I am always cold, until I get to sleep. He doesn't seem to care much about my opinion in that respect, only that he is comfy. I have put up with this for years, and the rare occasion when I need some cool air and circulation in the house, he feels he can walk by and close it, and balk when I open it again? Good grief. He told me to stop "heating the outside" I reminded him that we don't pay for heat... at all.

 

The pencil- Does a pencil NEED to be on a wood floor, right beside the desk. Pencils don't belong on the floor, just like his books and pens, etc... don't. He has got a pile of binders, textbooks, math doo-dads etc... lying on the floor beside the couch, and he won't do anything with them. The pile just gets bigger. I figure the least he can do is keep the other side of the couch clear.

 

I had gone to the bedroom earlier for some quiet but it's my home too, and the bedroom is for sleeping. This was my one day at home this week with no work and no school and I wanted to just chill. I would have been at the library, but it's not open on Sundays. Not many options.

 

He has the tv on for as long as he is home/awake during the day, even if he isn't watching it. What's so wrong with just wanting to have it off, so I can curl up on the couch under a lamp and study my notes? If I had resorted to going to the bedroom, I would have been in there all day, and honestly, it's not any quieter with the tv/computer and him going at full force.

 

We usually are good at compromising, but it's like he was in super passive-aggressive mode, and so was I, after I had just plain had enough.

Posted

A pencil has no needs. Your boyfriend doesn't need it to be anywhere in particular. You have chosen to have a need for it not to be on the floor.

 

You also chose to study in the room where he had the TV. You are deciding, for both of you, that your need to have the TV off is more important than his desire to have it on and continue his game. It's true that it is your home but it is also his.

 

So use some judgment here. Pick up the pencil if you don't want it on the floor. It won't hurt you. But don't make a pencil the spark of an discussion about how tidy to keep the place- because that makes you look petty and no one will be convinced by the force of your argument.

 

If the TV is an issue because it disturbs you - suggest getting earphones for it instead of making it a bone of contention.

 

These things you are fighting about are symptoms not causes. So what is the real issue with you and your boyfriend. Is it that you think he isn't considerate enough? And if it is that - are you being reasonable in your expectations?

Posted

I agree completely with DN.

 

Rather than ask your boyfriend to do things to make things ideal for you, why not separate from him by going into another room.

 

That way you can both do the things you wanted to do.

 

I feel that he was being inconsiderate of you, but you were also being inconsiderate of him. Are pencils and windows really worth fighting over?

Posted

I would have picked the pencil up if it bothered me. I have done this many times before if something was out of place, i rarely have asked my SO to pick it up even if he put it there because i figure if it bothered him where it was placed he'd have already gotten it. Since it would be me bothered, i pick it up.

 

As for the tv thing, yea, you could go into another room. I dont see where he should have to sit in the home quiet all day even if you were studying. I assume he lives there too, thus he has the right to conduct activities in his own place. Go to another room that is more quiet. If he follows you in there and turns on the tv, then it is time to get a bit upset.

 

I think yes, you were nitpicking at him and it sounds more on your part than his, just based on your post. The teasing and tickling, etc...well i dont find that to be obtrusive...he wouldn't know not to be playful at this point until you said stop.

 

I think you were on edge and got irritated instead of working on ways around it. It happens to us all, just hopefully notate that you could have handled it better.

Posted

He wasn't watching tv. That's my point. He just wanted it on, but he was sitting at his computer, with headphones on, playing a game. It did not need to be on by any stretch of the imagination, so why on earth is it a big deal for me to ask him to turn it off? How is that me asking too much? Just because I don't want to hole up in our bedroom all day because he has chosen to revert to being a 5 yr old? It just did not stop. We didn't fight about these things throughout the day, but when he jumped into bed and continued to act like a small spoiled child... I hit the roof. Everyone has their breaking point. The pencil thing is just retarded. He dropped it, and left it there.

 

Why do you guys think it is reasonable for someone to be plugged into a computer game, completely absorbed in that, and still need the tv on. He wasn't watching it. Seriously. It's background noise, but when you have headphones on, why do you need background noise? If he wanted to watch a show on tv, fine, I would move to the bedroom. But he was on the computer, not even watching tv.

 

And he did follow me when I went to the bedroom in the early afternoon. Not 5 minutes after I went in there, he came in.

Posted

I think you need to invest in ear plugs.

 

I agree you should not have to go into your bedroom, its your home too and you sleep in that room...

 

Earplugs!

Posted

But, I think you are fighting for the wrong reasons.

 

Do you really want to be right when right means neither of you are happy?

 

Work to make your lives as easy as possible and happy, not to compete over who is right.

Posted

Come on you not being fair, you should just go in the bed room and study, while he stays in the living room playing his game after all in the romm is suppose to be quiet, while everone else use the siting room, you getting on for nothing, he is right.

 

This is my opinion.

Posted

So even if HE wants the tv blaring, while he's not even watching it... while he's plugged in to his computer game... I am in the wrong for wanting to be able to sit on my couch and read? Wow. Well if this is the case, I guess I am supposed to just spend my days in the bedroom while he takes over the house. The house that "I" clean and take care of.

Posted

When you want something from a partner - ask politely, negotiate and compromise without aggression.

 

It seems to me, to be honest, that you were irritated and tense at everything yesterday - and he became the focus of it as well as partly the cause.

 

So it's not that you were wrong - it's that when you were right you handled it wrong.

Posted

He did say as we were going to sleep that he had just wanted some positive attention from me. I always forget to put two and two together. Hyper and in my face means he wants some form of attention. It's no wonder it backfires though, because anyone acting like that is such a turn-off.

Posted

Well, perhaps you got into a vicious circle and both of you just kept escalating it.

 

When a partner needs attention it is wise to give some thought as to whether you should give it to them or not.

Posted
He did say as we were going to sleep that he had just wanted some positive attention from me. I always forget to put two and two together. Hyper and in my face means he wants some form of attention. It's no wonder it backfires though, because anyone acting like that is such a turn-off.

 

Does he know that it turns you off?

 

You know when he is like that that he just wants your attention. You can take that as a good thing.

 

It's sort of like a big sign that says "I need this". Tell tale signs like that are a godblessing.

 

Next time you can give him what he wants in a way that makes you both happy.

Posted

A relationship is alot of give and take from both of you. Yes it happens to all couples sometimes

A bit childish if you think about it..... The situation calls for both of you to have a bit more empathy for each other

Posted

Even if I were in the wrong....if my SO reacted in a way that suggested I'm an immature, self-absorbed, hyper 5 year old b/c I dropped a pencil and was making a little noise...I would not think I was the one with the problem. Your attitude throughout is that you are right and he is wrong. You are mature and he is not. You are serious and he's immature. You clean and he doesn't. What people are suggesting here is that the imbalance is the problem...not the pencil--not the TV--not the videogame.

Posted

I think you maybe need to go somewhere else when he's in the house and you need to study. Or maybe you both can study at the same time?

I get a bit easily annoyed like you too when I need to study. I just need to really concentrate, since studying has become one of my least favorite things to do over the years.

 

But also, sometimes my bf gets like yours. A bit hyper and playfull. Other times*I* get like that (hyper/attention seeking) and I know I act like a friggin 5 yr old. I just can't help it. I'm happy to be able to spend an afternoon in the presense of my bf and it makes me giddy/excited. When I want a hug or attention I'll poke him or get in his face and give him a kiss. Or I'll snuggle up closer and closer to him till he hugs me lol. I'd absolutely hate it if he seemed to feel the complete opposite, and honestly I'd be very hurt if he told me to shut up, leave me alone and go to sleep.

 

Don't get me wrong. I can see where you're coming from. I can be the same when stressed but really.. I think you need to remind yourself that just b/c you both have been together so long and are living together, doesn't mean you can let it all hang out in a such a negative way. If you guys plan to be together for years to come.. I think you should make a promise to yourselves to never treat each other in hurtfull ways if possible.

 

 

Another observation: this isn't the first time his hyperness has bugged you. I remember a similar thread.

 

 

I also really thing he needs NEEDS to help out around the house. You seem to be building resentment towards him for not helping out. It's only fair that you both share chores.

Posted

Yes sometimes his hyperness does get to me. It gets to everyone around him, tbh. We have all suggested that he try to find a happy medium, or find some way to control himself when it gets really out of control, but he really just brushes us off. By us, I mean our mutual friends, his longtime buddies, and my friends. He does help out around the house if I ask, but I definitely do the majority of the work, which I guess is how it will always be. I just felt really disrespected, you know? I was not feeling well, and he just wouldn't lay off. I put up with it for *counts* ten hours, no joke. If he were feeling crappy, even if I was in a hyper mood, I would not have acted the way he did. It wasn't a loving way to act at all. It was rude and crude and not a good way to say "I want attention". I got into that same kind of mood last week, and I didn't take it out on him... I went to the gym and worked it off. He was at home studying, so I figured I would give him some peace and quiet. That's all I wanted in return, and he just didn't care about that. So yeah, I felt really disrespected.

Posted

I do want to say that if he truly was not watching the t.v. & had his headphones on while being on the PC, then I can't see why he would mind if you turned off the t.v. because you wanted to relax & study on the couch... It makes sense but also would have just been a kind thing to do without causing a fuss about it.

 

That said I agree with others in that this all started somewhere with someone feeling slighted, & then the sort of uncompromising, irritated, "retaliation" behaviors took hold on both parts.... So maybe the t.v. thing on his part was already after some stuff had happened between you both...

Posted
So even if HE wants the tv blaring, while he's not even watching it... while he's plugged in to his computer game... I am in the wrong for wanting to be able to sit on my couch and read? Wow. Well if this is the case, I guess I am supposed to just spend my days in the bedroom while he takes over the house. The house that "I" clean and take care of.

 

If this were the case, which was not evident in your prior posts, it sounds to me like a power struggle. Sounds like he was intentionally being contrary because he felt you were trying to bully him in the household.

 

I agree with others that this was both of you not really acting in a mature manner and intentionally grating each other's nerves. In the grand scheme of life these are petty issues that could probably be solved on both ends by a bit more respectful communication, patience and understanding.

 

Sometimes we often forget that our SO's are still 'friends' of ours and should ask ourselves how would we treat a casual friend in the same situation? We usually ask them questions or make requests much more respectfully...it helps to try to remember to treat each other with the same or more respect.

Posted

Sometimes we often forget that our SO's are still 'friends' of ours and should ask ourselves how would we treat a casual friend in the same situation? We usually ask them questions or make requests much more respectfully...it helps to try to remember to treat each other with the same or more respect.

 

A very good point, jaded! Sometimes I think it would be good to learn how to argue constructively. We don't actually argue very much at all, and immaturity and crap like this from both of us is pretty few and far between. So, that's good. We didn't fight at all for the first year we were together, but I understand that wasn't a good thing, and that it was mainly to avoid conflict. I'm not a huge fan of conflict, but he almost has a fear of it. I was trying to show him how we can argue more efficiently the other day, but it didn't really work. It seems that neither of us remembered what we had said.

Posted

You obviously (from posts) feel you need to do more around the house.

Why is there no way to share it down the middle? I don't feel it has to be lopsided (when it comes to chores) forever.. You guys need to work on compromising perhaps?

 

I agree 550% with Jaded on this, and this is kind of what I tried explaining (but failed I think lol):

Sometimes we often forget that our SO's are still 'friends' of ours and should ask ourselves how would we treat a casual friend in the same situation? We usually ask them questions or make requests much more respectfully...it helps to try to remember to treat each other with the same or more respect.

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