Jump to content

This is making me crazy.


Rose21

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 245
  • Created
  • Last Reply

The most healthy relationship is one where you dont NEED them to pick up their phone. Me and my current bf have been together six months, a couple of issues at the start. With my ex I was like you, it drove him mad and drove him AWAY eventually. Oneday it stops being cute and starts being posessive and obsessive. I know if someone called me that much it'd put me off.

 

You have to have your own life, have a bit of mystery, it makes you seem more appealing when your off having a laugh and a life and then its just nice to speak to him, not repeatedly call him.

 

So relax, enjoy the relationship, so what if he hasnt called?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sure I post here alot about the issue, but i really am not like that all the time. Yesterday was my first break down in quite some time.

 

I am content not talking to him most of a day. thats how it had to be when i worked.

 

If Im with friends or hanging out and I know I will be home shortly and he texts me or something, sometimes I will even ignore the text until I get home. And if he asks why I didn't pick up, I say I was with a friend and planned on getting back to him soon.

 

I'm fine hanging out with my friends, sometimes he doesn't even enter my mind. But other times I just get really anxious. I have been aLOT better about my anxiety, just yesterday I don't know what the deal was. It was like my emotions went on overdrive and they over powered me.

 

Counseling is out of the question. I got laid off a couple of weeks ago, and I've been trying to find a new job. It's REALLY hard in this economy. I don't have the money for that, and even when I DO get a job I have bills to pay and a car to save for. Counseling is really expensive, I don't have that money to blow.

 

And neither does my mom, the divorce just went through and she has to make money for the family and save before we move out and start renting a house. She would also think it would be a total waste of money.

 

I have little moments where I fall off the track, but for the most part I am doing my best to make my way forward and making progress. The rest will take time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

If Im with friends or hanging out and I know I will be home shortly and he texts me or something, sometimes I will even ignore the text until I get home. And if he asks why I didn't pick up, I say I was with a friend and planned on getting back to him soon.

 

 

Does he freak out when you don't call him back? Get "mad and very worried"?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Rose, there should be free counseling available through your college. I would look into that if I were you. I think it could really help.

The other option is to call around and see which clinics offer a sliding pay scale, meaning you pay only what you can afford. You can receive help at very little to no cost at all. Seriously, I would consider it if I were you.

 

This was not an isolated incident and I think you've made yourself believe that all of this (not just last night, but in general) is a lot less serious than it actually is. You're going to push him away, Rose. I hate to say it, but people can only handle so much. I know he loves you but there's only so much a person can deal with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Counseling is out of the question. I got laid off a couple of weeks ago, and I've been trying to find a new job. It's REALLY hard in this economy. I don't have the money for that, and even when I DO get a job I have bills to pay and a car to save for. Counseling is really expensive, I don't have that money to blow.

 

I believe universities are required to have free counseling.

 

My school offered 2 times a week one-on-one sessions to help me with my dad frustrations and learning coping skills for LDR's.

 

One of the first things I did when I came here was ask for help with Long distance relationships. They had a lot of info on it as it was one of their most sought after sections.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What I worry about is when this relationship goes into REAL mode. When you two are together permanently.

No person in their right mind would deal with this behavior, sometimes I think that maybe it just works because you two are apart, you can cool off, take time away, give each other space..etc.

 

The expectations you have of him, and the need for this relationship to be so PERFECT, will not last when you two are together permanetly. The behaviors you display when you two are together are very questionablle, but at the end..what happens? You leave and go separate ways for several weeks, letting things cool off. If this was happening day in and out, together, face to face..he will grow tired.

 

I think part of the reason why it's still holding on is because of the LDR and the level of 'honeymmoon' that still exists with being in an LDR. There is still part of that present, and I think thats presents itself from the posts you do make, and the difference between mature love and immature love.

The time together when you do meet up can be masked by excitment, and all lovey dovey, so when things fall apart you overlook them. What happens when you can't walk away, and he has to put up with this day and night, living together with you?

 

People are giving you advice from experience. No one would put up with this!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I believe universities are required to have free counseling.

 

My school offered 2 times a week one-on-one sessions to help me with my dad frustrations and learning coping skills for LDR's.

 

One of the first things I did when I came here was ask for help with Long distance relationships. They had a lot of info on it as it was one of their most sought after sections.

 

Wow, ur school offered LDR counseling? Awesome!

Though I'm sure when it came down to it, asking for relationship help from a school counselor can be a different matter.

 

Just wondering: is counceling like going to a psychologist? Or just a meeting where they kind of give tips and ideas and you talk about feelings freely? I'm guessing you don't work on issues, they just give advice you can take or leave?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow, ur school offered LDR counseling? Awesome!

Though I'm sure when it came down to it, asking for relationship help from a school counselor can be a different matter.

 

Just wondering: is counceling like going to a psychologist? Or just a meeting where they kind of give tips and ideas and you talk about feelings freely? I'm guessing you don't work on issues, they just give advice you can take or leave?

 

They let you talk about all your problems freely, then they gave me some tips, and some reading resources.

 

I went back like 5 times for specific problems. It helped a lot to put things in perspective.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would also add to this the pressures I sense this young man has to perform sexually. Another trend in your posts Rose is this hyping up each encounter and just knowing it will always end in mind blowing sex. While this is something most people would love, they also know that life and illness, pressures, etc get in the way, and for men it is harder to always perform up to expectation then it is for women with the same issues. He might not voice it but he is bound to feel pressure to constantly satiate you sexually, and we know the guy has been sick for about a month now...or maybe longer. That is why i was surprised with the nightgown thing you buoght for him...I understand the CONCEPT but the timing was a bit off as he still seems to be recovering and a VS lingerie article of clothing would surely make him feel that night MUST end in crazy sex....he knows how upset you get.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't commented on a lot of your threads, but I do find it intriguing just how completely hyper-focused you are on your current boyfriend. I mean, you see all kinds of people hung up and put out when it comes to extreme hardship. They've just been dumped, their marriage just ended, someone they were in love with made them feel like dirt.... You see these obsessive posts, you know they are trying to process and heal, and it all makes sense.

 

But Rose, this is your CURRENT boyfriend. Sooo many of us have significant others that we adore, that we have amazing sex with, that we think about quite a lot. But there are other topics in life, other things that are important, other things that should catch your intrigue and your focus. What of all of it? Why is everything always, always about the immortal boyfriend?

 

If I had a girlfriend that thought about me this much, and this obsessively, it would scare the bujeebers out of me. And eventually, there's no way it wouldn't drive me away no matter how much I adored her. It feels fantastic as a man to be loved and adored by someone you find irresistible, but just like with any relationship, this thing is going to run out of butane soon enough if you keep flipping the lighter.

 

Think space. Think long, open, nurturing space, not just physically but mentally as well. And all this passion you have? How about refocusing it on some other things that matter. If you showed the kind of passion you show for this guy toward other avenunes of your life then you'd be the first freaking female president of the U.S.A. right now.

 

Your BF is lucky to have someone that adores him, but from an outsider's perspective, there are going to be very, very few people on ENA who are jealous of what you have with this guy. Even the loneliest among this crowd must be thinking "Thank god I don't have to drive myself batty every other second like this woman. Thank god I'm not that co-dependent. Thank god I don't need validation from my partner on such an extreme and constant basis."

 

And really, that's what all this comes down to for you. You require not only your boyfriend's love and affection, but constant validation from him. It's as if he's not on this emotional leash, that you're afraid he'll leave you any moment.

 

What's the best thing you could do? I so rarely advocate this, but you two need space. Lots and lots of it. You should take two weeks apart, no talking, no texting, no anything. Even flames need oxygen to burn. If you keep sucking all the oxygen out of this thing then it's unlikely to burn for much longer.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Rose, I want to give you another perspective: don't you think it is amazing how many people here on ENA care about you and answer your posts regardless of how many times you post about the same thing?

 

Don't you think a little appreciation for everyone's thoughts and time would be appropriate, rather than being defensive if you don't get the responses that you were hoping for.

 

You posting about the same problems again and again, is actually NOT a bad thing at all, because that's what ENA is all about: to give you a safe spot where you can vent your insecurities and repeating thoughts without driving someone in your real life crazy.

 

Regardless of how many times you need to post about this, better do it here than to unload it onto your guy.

 

However, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't make a serious effort to listen to everyone's advice, to take it to heart, and to make a serious change in the way you process your thoughts and emotions.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was like you once. I spazzed out and such whenever my man didn't call back or pick up. Especially if he said "i'll call you right back".

 

Or if I said "I'll call you after I'm out of the shower". 30 minutes later, I call..no answer.

 

But I've grown tremendously from that. I'm more patient and I don't stop my world for that phone call. It's too stressful to be worrying about what he's doing, where he is, why he isn't calling, etc.

 

Try to occupy yourself with other things and take comfort that he is your boyfriend. He isn't going anywhere, I presume. Even if he doesn't call the same day, he is bound to call you the next day or something (most likely).

 

It's one thing to be aware that it's unhealthy, but it's another to actually fix it.

 

I may be wrong, but it seems like your boyfriend is your entire world. I read your previous thread briefly about how you got laid off and you don't have a job, so I know it's not easy.

 

But really, don't make him your one and only priority.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

And really, that's what all this comes down to for you. You require not only your boyfriend's love and affection, but constant validation from him. It's as if he's not on this emotional leash, that you're afraid he'll leave you any moment.

 

 

I also get the impression she needs validation from people on here as well. Most of the posts are in great, descriptive detail, almost borderline bragging about things..almost like she wants people to 'praise' the relationship and what she does for him and what he does for her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just want to say...

 

Seeking counselling for improved mental health is not blowing money, by any means. Many universities and colleges offer free counselling. It's very much worth taking advantage of it. Rose- I can't help but feel as though you are hesitant to seek counselling for other reasons. No one is going to say "you're crazy, etc..." The offices are very cozy and comforting environments, and just being able to talk about things helps a great deal. There is absolutely no shame in seeing a counsellor/therapist.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, he does freak out if I don't call back if it's been an amount of time like it was last night. 2 hrs.

 

 

We arn't in the honey moon phase. During X-mas break we had almost 2 MONTHS of seeing eachother every day and night and we did just fine.

 

In the summer, is will be 4 MONTHS back to back.

 

i have things to work on, which I am, but my outbursts are nowhere from a daily occasion.

 

I post here when things don't really go wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I will see if they offer something like that at my school.

 

It's a really low budget community college, so I doubt it though.

 

 

But no, he isn't my number one prioroity.

 

 

I have my friends, i see them all the time. Sometimes I would rather talk to them or just take a nap instead of jumping to the phone to talk to my boyfriend. He's not my everything. But there isn't anything wrong with being so much in love with him.

 

I do show that much enthusiasm in other aspects of my life. Such as writing, writing is a huge thing I love doing, and I'm in the process of writing 3 stories. I frequently write and post on a site and enter my writng into contests etc.

 

Also with reading and other things I am very enthusastic about.

Link to post
Share on other sites

But I do appreciate all of your help.

 

you have given me some great insight. The first 7 months of our relationship when I was still on Depo, I'll admit. I was AWFUL. I wouldn't want to date myself then lol. But my boyfriend stuck by me through the worst of times, all of my panic attacks etc. Not once did he think I was crazy when I would cry for no reason. he was worried that a medicine would affect me that badly.

 

I've been off it for 6 months now and on the pill and I'm doing ALOT better. Although I'm not perfect. He is very grateful and he says he is very happy with me and our relationship, and I seem to be doing better almost everyday.

 

A bump in the road (breakdown) every now and then wont bother him he says. He just says I'm not on depo anymore, which was like having CONSTANT PMS for 7 months straight.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Give the girl a break, while yes it's good to give the guys some space it's a bit worrying when you say "speak to me at this time" and the guy doesn't when he normally does. I'd understand if she was constantly calling him to tell her to leave him be a bit but I'd be a bit anxious if my guy didn't answer if he *said* he was going to answer at a certain time.

 

My coping method when I'm worried is to remember something my grandad said, which is that 99% of the time there will be a totally rational explaination and that makes me realise there are many more likely things that could have happened that mean he's totally fine but just delayed for some reason, rather than things that mean something's wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...