hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Yes - but if he gets into this habit, we get married - I will be picking up after him & the kids alllll the time for the rest of my life lol. He's an adult & needs to pick up after himself as I do. oh of course, but wghat i mean is look at it with the attitude of gratitude--be glad there's someone's underwear there instead of no one at all. be grateful, and then you can ask with a better attitude. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 oh of course, but wghat i mean is look at it with the attitude of gratitude--be glad there's someone's underwear there instead of no one at all. be grateful, and then you can ask with a better attitude. yeah I get what you are saying. instead of me rolling my eyes and saying "CAN YOU GET YOUR UNDERWEAR OFF THE FLOOR!" I could ask in a nicer tone. Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 yeah I get what you are saying. instead of me rolling my eyes and saying "CAN YOU GET YOUR UNDERWEAR OFF THE FLOOR!" I could ask in a nicer tone. before you ask abot anything, take a second and ask "how important is this?" remember nothing is a life or death situation except life or death. if his underwaer on the floor isn't physically killing you, it's not a big deal. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 Yeah typing it out it sounds so stupid. lol I'm getting mad over the smallest things good lord Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 i used to do the same thing. honestly, what helped me was that i got into Al-Anon (support for family and friends of alcoholics). so many people have said what a difference its made in me. i just remind myself that there are no big deals. all the stuff i've been telling you is straight from 12-step haha Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 omg are you serious Well its there to help people for a reason! God you guys, please keep me in your thoughts I am really trying and I am really a good person on the inside. I'm just lost right now. Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 omg are you serious Well its there to help people for a reason! God you guys, please keep me in your thoughts I am really trying and I am really a good person on the inside. I'm just lost right now. i really suggest writing your thoughts out. instead of saying "Chris! (or whatever his name is) You DIDNT PICK UP YOUR UNDERWEAR!", go to yuour journal, and write down "Chris didn't pick up his underwear. I feel angry (resentful, sad, annoyed, etc)." Then, when he gets home or when you talk to him again, just say "Chris, woudl you mind picking up your underwear when you get a chance? Thank you." Don't say "DO IT NOW" or anyhting like that. It'll help. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 you know what else, I have been isolating myself because of my depression and for the first time in like 2 years I went to see my neices that live less than 20 minutes from me. I felt so good to be out and interacting with my family and getting to do something on my own. I felt so good! Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 do you have any friends that you can see more often? i totally isolate when i'm going through things. it's not healthy. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Yeah picking up the underwear, taking out garbage are not life & death situations thats for sure lol. The reality of it is though...it does get annoying if you have to do everything yourself day in & day out BUT that doesn't mean you need to have an attitude about it when asking for help. Its the way you approach these things. If you do it the right way, it wont be nitpicking & he actually might start doing it without you ever asking. If he forgets a day or two here and there...do it yourself. No reason to start arguments over it. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 Yeah picking up the underwear, taking out garbage are not life & death situations thats for sure lol. The reality of it is though...it does get annoying if you have to do everything yourself day in & day out BUT that doesn't mean you need to have an attitude about it when asking for help. Its the way you approach these things. If you do it the right way, it wont be nitpicking & he actually might start doing it without you ever asking. If he forgets a day or two here and there...do it yourself. No reason to start arguments over it. I totally agree, hersmudders I don't have any friends, I let my depression and anxiety take me over all I have is my family right now. Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 then immerse yourself in your family. get yourself out of your house, away from your boyfriend mroe often. learn to be your own person. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 yeah I don't even know who I am anymore and I center almost all of my feelings around how are relationship is going. very bad Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 how do you expect a marriage to succeed if you have no idea who you are going into it? you really need to try counseling!! or a 12-step program. haha Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 how do you expect a marriage to succeed if you have no idea who you are going into it? you really need to try counseling!! or a 12-step program. haha lol honestly I'm not really all ready for marriage I just thought it was time to atleast talk about it or something. I don't know why the heck I made a big deal out of it. i mean I want him to want to want to marry me and everything but I don't need to get married right now. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Counseling would be a great start. You have some issues we can help you with, give you advice on but nothing compared to what a professional can do. If it makes you feel ANY better, I dont have friends here and my family lives states away. I only have one co-worker I can talk to or hang out with sometimes. All my friends are spread accross the country. So at least you have your family to lean on, use them! Go see your niece more often - I wish I had that! Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 lol honestly I'm not really all ready for marriage I just thought it was time to atleast talk about it or something. I don't know why the heck I made a big deal out of it. i mean I want him to want to want to marry me and everything but I don't need to get married right now. seems like it was just something else to fight about again, like you know that is bait and he'll hook. please look into counseling for yourself. you have some things to work through that are possible to get through. do you have anger and control issues with anyone else you know or just your boyfriend? i tend to be the same way with boyfriends (well, pre Al-Anon I was) butnever with anyone else in my life. It's like boyfriends were my punching bags for no reason at all. Hence why I'm still single... Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 seems like it was just something else to fight about again, like you know that is bait and he'll hook. please look into counseling for yourself. you have some things to work through that are possible to get through. do you have anger and control issues with anyone else you know or just your boyfriend? i tend to be the same way with boyfriends (well, pre Al-Anon I was) butnever with anyone else in my life. It's like boyfriends were my punching bags for no reason at all. Hence why I'm still single... yeah this mostly happens with my boyfriends, I have a short temper in general but nothing like with boyfriends. I am going to seek professional help for sure, I really do appreciate all of you guys' help and advice it feels good to talk to someone outside of my mind, if you know what I mean..I always feel like I'm in my head going through all these problems. The marriage thing was something to nitpick about for sure, to see if he truly loved me. Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 you can't fix a broken mind with a broken mind. don't even try. it'll just stay broken. maybe admit to him that the marriage thing was just somethng to nitpick over and that you were being consciously manipulative and apologize. tell hinm you don't have to talk about it, unless he has anything to say, but just tell him that. make your amends with that issue. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 yeah I was thinking of talking to him about this tomorrow, I don't want him to think I am pressuring him and stuff. Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 yeah I was thinking of talking to him about this tomorrow, I don't want him to think I am pressuring him and stuff. say it like i worded it. Go to him and say "Chris, I just want to tell you that the conversation about marriage won't come up again because I was purposefully bringing it up in order to be manipulative, and I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about it anymore any further" and hug him and walk away, go to bed maybe. Let him know you're not bringing it up for discussion at all, but just to apologize and admit your faults. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 say it like i worded it. Go to him and say "Chris, I just want to tell you that the conversation about marriage won't come up again because I was purposefully bringing it up in order to be manipulative, and I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about it anymore any further" and hug him and walk away, go to bed maybe. Let him know you're not bringing it up for discussion at all, but just to apologize and admit your faults. I agree with this, its a great start, apologize - mean it & will show you are working on changing. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 I will tell him this tonight when he gets home from work, I didn't think it would be right to bring it up this morning before he went to work. I always bother him before work or right after work it seems because I want attention. But now I'm worrying again...what if he cheats on me or something? Link to comment
hers Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 I will tell him this tonight when he gets home from work, I didn't think it would be right to bring it up this morning before he went to work. I always bother him before work or right after work it seems because I want attention. But now I'm worrying again...what if he cheats on me or something? when would he have teh chance to cheat on you? has he ever given you reason to believe he'd cheat on you? it seems your'e worrying over nothing, trying to think up ways to worry so you can bring it up to him later, thus keeping the problem going. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 ugh thats not cool, I don't know when he would have time to cheat, what if he meets someone at work who's extra nice and sweet and not all messed up like me. I won't bring it up to him I just think about it sometimes. I dont have a job right now because I was laid off what if he sees a girl at work thats doing good and he likes her ambition or something I don't know why I'm thinking of this Link to comment
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