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Back for help: Things aren't getting any better...


Ninotschka

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Well, first of all I would like to thank you for the advice you guys gave me last time. I posted a thread on this board about 10 days ago. It was basically about how my boyfriend of 1.5 years feels I'm not helping him dealing with his stress issues. I got useful advice telling me to stop talking about school and so on, which I did. However I kept feeling bad about the whole thing.

 

We're long distance and this last weekend we spent four days together. I thought it was amazing, but we didn't really talk about our issues. When I came back, however, he kept finding excuses for not talking to me on the phone (which we usually do every day). Then I confronted him.

 

He admitted to avoiding me and said that during our exams he was pretty sure he would break up with me. I wasn't exactly a nice person during that time (I kept worrying loudly about school) so I guess I can understand. However, during all that time he kept talking about our projects together - holidays, visits, moving in together after graduation (in 1.5 years), etc.

 

His parents met just once a week for five years before marrying, and to him it feels more natural than wanting to talk every day. He said it felt constrained and that he wasn't free. That I'm not able to help him with his stress issues. I agreed to let our communication style evolve more naturally, although I am not sure what this means. I gave my opinion on the situation and we agreed that having done 1.5 years of long-distance (5 months left before I move closer, for various reasons and not only for him) is no small feat, and that it's worth working on it.

 

I'm pretty sure a big part of our problem comes from the fact that in a long-distance relationship you can do nothing but talk, and you end up talking for the sake of talking, much more than you would do in another relationship. I keep worrying and that it also part of the reason why I like to hear him every day, even for a few minutes.

 

I love him and trust him with my life. We have always pictured our future together. I feel like I'm in a limbo. He only talks in this way when he has other problems and feels depressed, and then the next day he will start again talking about our holidays together, about everything we will do when I come and live in the same city. He says part of the problem is probably in his own head. I feel completely lost. To me it seems like I have to deal with a break-up while I'm not; I just don't know how I could ever feel safe again. I don't know what to do.

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So what would happen if the talking stops? Does that mean the relationship ends? Two people who are meant to be together don't need to talk much, if they do, it is out of two people enjoying each other, and not as a mean to keep a lease on the other person. That's just extending an already dead relationship. So my advice is to talk less on the phone and let either party miss each other first, and if there's a phone call from him it is out of him missing you and vice versa.

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Hello. It worries me that he talks about plans but when plans seem to be happening he doesn't want that either (like talking on the phone).

 

Using his parent's relationship to "measure" his own makes little sense if his parent's weren't doing the long distance thing, I don't know what makes him feel that talking once a week and seeing each other every few weeks (for example) is enough for a relationship, you have already been apart for a very long time and I'm glad things are going to progress to the next level (being together) soon but, is it a reality that he's not going to freak out and ask for space once you are there?.

 

I think he likes being in a relationship with you but not doing much for it, I'm not saying you should demand it because there's no point if he doesn't want to do it but I think you have to make sure that are getting exactly what you want out of this and not just do things to avoid him problems.

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