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It's (randomly) over.


elizmdavis

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Our lives were in two totally different places and neither of us could figure out how to get on the same level. He was 24, still lived at home, and was very reluctant to leave....kept pushing off our future and making promises by giving me milestones to watch out for (wait until I graduate, wait until I get a job...wait...wait...wait...). I have been independent since 18, I am now 25. I've graduated college and I am in a stable career. One of my biggest dreams is to start a family.

 

In November '08 (after we nearly broke up for good) he said that he was ready to be on the track to independence. He was getting his act together so that we could finally have our dreams. He was watching his spending (somewhat) and paying down his debt. He graduated, but landed a job that only gives him 25 hours a week with little pay. He didn't want a 2nd job (why would he need one? he barely has responsibility!). However I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Last Sunday at lunch his mom said that he needed to start scoping out new insurance since he wouldn't be on theirs anymore. He said he was going to re-enroll in school and show their insurance company the enrollment paper, then unenroll so that he could still be on their insurance. I was so turned off by that. I said "Cut the cord already!" to him.

 

That lunch incident sparked up a good conversation between us. He admitted that he is not as gung-ho about marriage as I am. He doesn't want that right now. He said that he has a "full plate" because his parents depend on him (which I doubt), he has to also pay bills and balance a relationship on top of it all! He said eventhough he felt this way he still wanted to be with me but it would be unfair to ask me to give him more time (for the 100th time). I said I had a lot to think about. He said "Yea, this is not just an overnight fix."

 

Over the next 2 days I was just feeling like I needed time to decide what was best for me. On Wednesday he called and wanted to hang out. I said I didn't feel like it because I had a lot on my mind and I wasn't feeling social. He aggresively said "I told you to not worry about it! We will work it out!" I reminded him that the he put the decison in my hands, I wanted to make the best one. He wasn't willing to give me time to think about it. He kept saying "Why would I sit back and wait when I know you probably won't stay?!? I'll make the decision....ITS OVER!!! WE ARE THROUGH!!!!" I wasn't even being mean to him, he just flipped out on me. It's as if we never had that conversation on Sunday. He said he would be around as a friend but refused to stand by while I needed time to think.

 

So he ended things....over the phone. Lovely, eh? The next morning he sent me a forwarded email like the kind you forward to a group of friends. I havent' heard form him since Wednesday and yesterday he sends me a text about free burritos. WHAT THE!?! I do not understand what he is doing but I am ignoring it right now. Is he already trying to be friends after that abruptness over the phone!? Really? Or, is he trying to be nice because he was SUCH A JERK?

 

Maybe ending it was the best? I am not devistated, just lost right now. I know that this probably needed to happen...but I wish I had better understanding of it all. There was no closure between us.

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You need that closure. It sounds like you know that this guy isn't right for you... and he was correct, it was just a matter of time until you broke up with him. He probably just said that in anger and didn't mean it... so you still have to have that breakup conversation with him.

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He sounds like a jerk to be honest. It sounds like it's ok for him to take his time with marriage and everything else, but it's a problem when you need time to think about what you need to do for you. Unfair. It probably is best that you guys are broken up, but he will probably be back around again to try and get you back. Was he dependent on you in any way?

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He was giving excuse after excuse, his family depended on him? My family depended on me finanically for years before I moved out with my SO. They didn't stop me instead encouraged me to move forward with my life. Even if they didn't, I would because I wanted to start a life with my SO.

 

You are right, it seems like you two are on 2 different pages in life. It was a good call to move on, you want marriage - he doesn't. That's a HUGE difference, why waste eachothers time?

 

As for him forwarding you an email & sending random text? He just doesn't believe you are "actually" moving on. Prove him wrong.

 

You might need closure - but your closure can easily be that he doesnt want to get married!...or grow up

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Maybe ending it was the best?

As far as I can tell. Yes, it was. He's got some issues. Not taking responsibility, having financial problems in your mid-20's and not working on this problems plus preemptively breaking up over the phone sounds very immature and irresponsible to me. He definitely isn't the man for settling down.

 

I am not devistated, just lost right now. I know that this probably needed to happen...but I wish I had better understanding of it all. There was no closure between us.

You probably won't get any closure from him. Find it yourself, heal and move on. Your future husband is already waiting for you ;-).

 

*hugs*

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It sounds like it's ok for him to take his time with marriage and everything else, but it's a problem when you need time to think about what you need to do for you. Unfair. Was he dependent on you in any way?

 

Yeah I know it is TOTALLY UNFAIR. I just cannot believe that he of all people could be so cold to me. Its dumbfounding, yunno?!

 

Dependent? He and his mom are on my cell phone plan. The only thing I really want to tell him right now is that he has 1 week to get a new cell phone plan before I cut him off.

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I don't even want to be near him right now. I don't want to talk to him or anything. I just want to drop off his belongings on his mommy's doorstep and speed away. But eventually, I know we may have to talk. He has so much pride...I think he is waiting for me to initiate. In fact, I think he may be depending on it because I am mature enough to initiate closure right now. I guess I am just not ready to. I am repelled by him enough right now that I cannot picture myself striking up any kind of conversation with him.

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Of course you broke up with him. I mean how could you be with a man who clearly is indecisive. Like it or not its pretty much a must for men to be decisive.

 

Taking time to think about things is one thing. Putting things off repeatedly and putting many things off is quite another.

 

Dont blame you. Send him my way and I`ll re-educate him.

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it sounds like you guys want totally different things at this point in your lives.

you're done with college, you have a career,etc. you will be fine with or without this guy.

but i'm sure you already know that.

 

in my opinion,i think if you really want the relationship to work, you guys need to spend some time apart.

he needs to realize how much you meant to him, and also to better his self.

while yall are broken up...if he really wants you back,he'll do something to change his lifestyle.

he needs to man up and become more independent.

you dont want to be married to a "boy" anyway, right?

 

but trust me, there is no disrespect comin from me. i'm just giving you my honest opinion. since thats what these forums are all about, right?

 

i wish you the best and hope everything works out between you two!

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he needs to man up and become more independent.

you dont want to be married to a "boy" anyway, right?

 

but trust me, there is no disrespect comin from me!

 

Right on sister. Even though in reality he is of "manly" age...in retrospect, he is a boy. Women marry MEN

 

I cant seem to get Beyonce's new song outta my head..but it's totally my anthem right now: "If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it! Oh oh ohhh!!"

 

haha. Everyone has been very helpful, thank you. I am still open to more opinions though!!

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