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blazingraver

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Its a new year and all new emotions are flowing.... I'm stuck and i'm driving myself crazy... really probably over nothing!! Your advice is appreciated and here i go.... apologies in advance for the long story!!!

 

I'm 28 years old and have a girlfriend of 8 years, my best friend also has a girlfriend of 8 years and if i rewind time to 8 years ago, just before we all hooked up... my best friends now girlfriend had a bit of a crush on me. So 8 years ago we were all single and while i learnt she had a small crush on me, my best friend was chasing her so I let it all go and didn't pursue anything. As they started dated, rumors were that she didn't fully like him, but i really didn't want to cut him out. The thing is, as life goes, its now 8 years later and they're still together. Myself, ended up in a relationship soon after and again, 8 years later here i am... The thing is, we're all BEST friends... my g/f and her are best friends, as am i and him. We hang out all the time and its great... life is great... but i've got these stupid feelings which are pissing me off.

 

Here are the feelings i'm getting:

 

The situation started as this.... I knew 8 years ago she kind of liked me, or at least she thought she did as she was only 20 as was I. I let my friend chase her, he got her and than she and I kind of drifted apart and always kept our distance. It was never a "spoken" thing that she liked me but i felt that it always was kind of something that was never brought up... so all these years later, we're all best friends again and now that i get to know her... i'm thinking... oh why didnt i jump in 8 years ago and make the decision then!

 

So really, back then i was happy to have it passed by, now i'm thinking twice!

 

Anyway, we were at a party the other weekend and she is very flirtatious by nature. Always just grabbing guys arms or sitting on their knees, all in a very non sexual but friendly way (just the ppl we are i guess). Anyway, she had never really done anything like that with me, always, us being friends but keeping our distance.... so we had a few drinks and were relaxed and we've become better friends as we've gotten to know each other and anyway, we were walking along and she came up to grab my arm, or walk with me arm in arm and for some reason, i can't recall her or i, but her hand slipped down to my hand and we walked for a brief period holding hands. Nothing suss, but we quickly let go of each others hands as we both kind of went, "oh, we can't be doing this"... and than she just continued to walk with me, arm in arm and holding my arm very tight....

 

So anyway... the problem is.... that split second, that moment holding hands just felt soooo right. I love my current g/f and know she does her boyfriend, but for me... it just felt right!!!! And the thing is we're all soo close... i love these guys in my life at the moment, but these feelings are driving me crazy of what "could be"

 

So now, all i can think about is trying to head out to parties again where she'll be there and have a few drinks and try and get into this situation again... i don't even want to have sex with her, as i know it would completely break down the lives we have with our partners... but i just want to hold her hand and hold her!!!! To me, it was that touch that was 8 years separated...

 

I should also right that i know that both her and I jumped into this relationship with no other prior relationships. In otherwords, she and I had never dated anyone and dare i say, never had sex with anyone else either before this relationship and here we are now 8 years later!

 

So that's really a complicated situation in a nut shell.... if people could reply that would be great... Any advice is so appreciated!

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Woaaah, You are playing with FIRE....... Are you ready to lose your girlfriend who you love??? Are you ready to lose your best guy friend....forever.....Are you ready to lose everything only to find you both had a little crush on each other and really arent compatible at all....let it go...If it is meant to be, somewhere down the line, you will both be single and will find each other without risking your best friend and relationship....

 

If you feel like you have not had enough experience dating, maybe you should take a break with your girlfriend and date other people (not this girl) to make sure she is the one....Just be prepared to possibly lose her if you do this...

 

I'd like to add to my post....I used to drive "the little bus" kids to and from school...This 14 year old girl would always say..."you need to meet my uncle Joe"..I would always reply...i was involved with someone...(Apparently uncle Joe had a girlfirend too)..Fast forward a couple years...I am single and playing pool in a pub and this guy comes over. He just moved back from another State after a break up. We hang out have a few drinks, play some pool and exchange numbers.. A couple days later he calls me and we meet at his friends house for a few drinks.. At the end of the night I drive him home...(he's a little tipsy). I get to his house and say.."I used to drop a little girl off at this house from school...He says..Brittany? I say Yeah!! He says....What!! You must be the bus driver,,I say, "Oh my god, you must be Uncle Joe". We have been together over 11 years....Kind of funny, but if it is mean't to be, It will happen.

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You're being self-indulgent at other peoples' expense; I'd quit that fast.

 

If you need to evaluate your own relationship on its own terms, go there. If you refuse to do that, then find a hobby. Do something with your mind and your hands that's constructive rather than destructive--self sabotage isn't just about yourself here. But I'd opt for going deeper.

 

If you've never tried counseling, it might be a place to start--someone who's seen this a bazillion times can offer you tools and structure and new perspectives to help you reach past your stalemate. But inner work isn't easy, it's messy. For instance, you've been in a 4 person holding pattern for 8 years--why has neither couple married or moved on?

 

Just food for thought.

 

In your corner, believe it or not.

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Hey blazingraver, I think that if you love your current girlfriend, and you're sure you want to be with her, and only her, then you don't need to be thinking 'what if' thoughts about your best friend's girl. I agree with you, it probably DID feel right for that split second, but then again you said that you and your current girlfriend have only been with each other, so it might be your hormones thinking for you. I'm pretty sure you do not want to give up your best friend and your girlfriend for someone you might not be happy or compatible with.

If I were you, I'd cut out any alone time with this girl and make sure there are always other people around when you guys do hang out.

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"What if" is a very serious mind game for you to be playing. I won't repeat the advice others have goven, but if you insist on playing what if, try this on for size:

 

What if it was the alcohol talking?

 

What if you could never talk to your best friend ever again?

 

What if you act on your childish impulses and ruin, not one, but three relationships?

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Hi Guys... thanks all for the reply... i think i needed a good vent on here and in all honesty, typing it through helped a fair bit. I'm also glad that many of you replied. I 99% agree with everything everyone said and the remaining 1% is that part that you just can't control - so I'll learn to live with it and appreciate it... rather than let the 1% control the other 99%!

 

Somebody summed it up by saying the grass isn't greener. Its so true... and i find it frustrating as I'm one of these self destructive people that have these impulses to ditch everything i've got, just on the off chance it might be better...

 

I always see what other people are doing, where other people are going, how other people are living and i just wonder what my life would be like if i did this... but I'm so over analytical that i let it interfere...

 

So i think from here, I'll appreciate what we've got... all of us! Sure, it was a great moment and maybe there will be more to come, but if i do something i regret i'll never have future opportunities to be with these guys ever...

 

The thing is, it may not have even be mutual. She could be laughing away right now and have no idea i am feeling like this at all... which makes me look like such a dill for carrying on about a "non-event".

 

Sometimes we're touch feely (just the way our group of friends roll!!) and maybe we will hold hands again mutually and have another moment... but i hope we'll do it knowing that we're friends and while something could of been, everything is still just as good the way it is...

 

I also think, and i don't know who'll agree - but i think, being in a relationship for so long that i might be in love, with the idea of what happened... but not the reality... ie, the excitement of the first touch, the holding hands, the "what could be"... all those things are what gives us the adrenalin so early in a relationship and she perhaps reignited that... but it doesnt justify dropping everything i currently have...

 

She gave me for a brief moment that rush... and I'm thinking about something that happened 8 years ago as an excuse to pursue it... when in fact, it could have been a complete stranger who could have made me feel the same way... in other words, it was the action and the feeling, not necessarily the person or the emotions.

 

Its funny... i don't even think of this girl sexually... the idea of the touch and the hugs, the holding hands etc is what thrills me...

 

But that's what it was... just a thrill! Hey, all i can say as i end this is... i hope she felt the same way!!!

 

BR

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Don't EVER sacrifice your friendship over something stupid. Especially because you're too scared to go out and meet new girls yourself and you have to settle for trying to get with your best friend's girl. That is lame and I'm glad I tossed my "friends" that were like that under the bus.

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