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Confused and Lamenting


Nappy

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I haven't written here in a while....But I am in the same rut.

 

A quick background: I was with my ex ex for 4 yrs. I broke up with him at the 3.5 mark, we were "single" for 4 months though we spent a whole lotta time together (he ended up having a crush on another girl while I played around but I never actually crushed on anyone), we got back together after a VERY emotional win back (on my end), and then I broke up with him again after 8 months of being back together ( 2 months of living together). I broke up with him both times. He was amazing to me but we weren't growing as individuals.

 

I IMMEDIATELY got back into another relationship as soon as I broke up with the ex ex the second time. This guy rocked my world in another way. While my ex ex was amazing to me, treating me in the way that I thought I could only dream of being treated, this new guy was everything I wanted from my previous boyfriend. He was EXTREMELY intelligent, intriguing, talented, more similar to me and opened my horizons to many new worlds. The downside....He treated me like absolute * * * * . I broke up with him too - But this one was more of a mutual decision in that he knew that it just wasn't working. It was a complex relationship - Suffice to say that we had a connection that kept us together despite the consistent relationship struggles we had.

 

Okay, so that's not exactly a quick background, but it's the gist of the situation.

 

Now....I cannot get over either of the two exes. I have now been single for 8 months since the last (1.5 yrs since the 4 yr relationship) and I am still in a rut. I am depressed about one or the other. When I get depressed over one of them, I use the other one as a means to cope with the depression over the other one. It's a continuous cycle.

 

Just thought I would place a note about the dumper - Me. Twice the dumper. Being the dumper is hard too.

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I wonder if you can't get over them simply because you are feeling lonely...remember that you immediately bounced into the second relationship without time to process the break up from the first guy..so now you are trying to process both break ups at the same time. It also sounds like you are disppointed because you liked key aspects of each person but some aspect of their personality was a dealbreaker for you. It will just take time to work this through.

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Sounds like you're handling a double-whammy, but boy will you be impressed with yourself when you look back on this time. You're catching up; you never allowed yourself to grieve the first one before flying into the second. While this may feel dismal and ugly, it's the stuff of facing grief and loneliness head-on instead of squelching your own growth with another relationship before you're ready.

 

You'll know you're ready for another relationship once you feel a sense of contentedness in being solo. That's the challenge most people who leap-frog relationships are afraid to take on--but it's the most rewarding place to reach. From there, you won't feel needy about relationships or fearful of losing one in the same way again, because you'll have met the only real enemy--fear of the unknown Self. Alone.

 

This is your opportunity to explore new interests or discover hidden talents. If you can find a passion for something beyond other people--something private that excites you and activates you, then your passion for living will extend itself into your dating life. You'll attract someone from a new energy and form a more dimensional relationship than you could have imagined before--it's generated from the experience of self stability, and it's life changing.

 

In your corner.

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i think you should look at the grand scheme of things. neither of these guys was your Mr. Right, your future husband. neither guy would be a good match for you in the long term. so, it's best that both relationships are over. sure, it's hard when you are alone on a saturday night, but it's better that, than going back to guys who aren't right for you.

 

i'd work on spending time with yourself, some friends, join a hobby or a sport, or take those italian classes you've always wanted to take. who knows, you may meet the real love of your life there.

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