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to be monogamous or not?


squishy18

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Hey, i'm 19, nearly 20, I've been in my relationship for 3 years with a guy 1 year younger than me. He had been in other relationships prior to ours. All seems to be going well but sometimes during sex, especially when he's been drinking, he says things to me that make me feel really sad and rejected.

 

He's said to me a few times that he wants a threesome. And just last night he said to me he won't have sex with me again until he gets a threesome. He says it turns him on heaps when he thinks about seeing me kissing another chick, and doing various other things with her. But he also says he hasn't really been with other women (despite my knowing that he has), and that he'd rather me be there while he had sex with them, rather than doing it behind my back. But i don't see the difference either way. I've read so many relationship advice books and websites and such but they all say "the way to his heart is through seduction and giving him what he wants"... but what he wants doesn't make me happy.

 

I am against this because I know, regardless of whether he does it with me or behind my back, I will end up breaking up with him because I can't handle being second best, I can't handle seing him so much as kissing another chick let alone having sex with her. I don't know what to do. I need some advice. Should I do it to make him happy? Suck it up coz men these days don't want a monogamous relationship?

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I don't think you should have to settle for anything less than what you expect in a relationship. If you expect your boyfriend to not sleep with other women regardless of whether you are there or not and he can't accept that maybe he isn't right for you. There are plenty of guy's who are willing to be with one woman only.

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Read, re-read, and re-read again what's highlighted in bold.

 

Think about that for a minute. You're in a board full of people who are generally heartbroken, looking for loving people who want to be in committed relationships and are either alone or have questions about being treated unfairly.

 

The answer (which you already know) is: NO! Do NOT do this to make him happy if it doesn't make you happy.

 

The fact that he's as immature as to say "I wont have sex with you again until I get a 3-some" tells me 2 things:

 

1. He's incredibly selfish and doesn't think about you, your wants, or your concerns.

 

2. You should find a better guy that isn't going to use sex or sexual favors as a weapon or contingency to further the relationship.

 

The way he is acting is complete and utter BS and the only thing I can do is urge you to talk to him seriously about your concerns (as documented) and if he doesn't want to factor you into the equation beyond using you to get whats he wants... you need to leave. Rather... run like hell.

 

He's made mention that he wants to experiment with other women, and keeping you around (I.E. getting you to participate) is just a safety net in this case. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

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I would dump this guy. He sounds extremely immature. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who decides he's not going to have sex with me again until he gets a threesome. You are obviously not comfortable with the idea and he doesn't even care. Your comment about men not wanting monogamous relationships these days isn't true about all men in general. Date a guy who wants you and only you, and cares for and respects you enough to not try and force you to do something you don't want to do, especially involving another girl. And if you think he'll just cheat if he doesn't get to have a threesome, then it's even more of a reason to dump his ass.

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You've outgrown him. You're too smart to get dragged into a no-win. If you pretzel yourself and your private values for him, you'll not only resent him, you'll resent yourself.

 

His insistence means respect is shot. If you give in, he controls you--and it won't end there. The more control he has over you the more contempt he'll hold for you, and he'll just get nastier and nastier until you find yourself lapping at the dirt on the bottom of his shoe.

 

Nobody is worth trashing your private values and self-respect. Without those as your foundation you're just a candle in the wind, and your life will suck.

 

There's no rule against him having some brilliant epiphany in 6 months or year from now--but this relationship has you settling for scraps. While that's bad enough for your self respect, it's fatal to any respect he might someday manage to muster up for you if he's ever able to look past his own self involvement.

 

I suggest gathering your pride, going No Contact, and letting yourself grieve and heal. You're in excellent company--everyone on the planet who has loved enough has also suffered, and the good news is, you get to choose whether this makes you stronger, or not.

 

In your corner.

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I will end up breaking up with him because I can't handle being second best

 

I've been in non-monogamous relationships. None of them were because the other person would cheat if I didn't.

 

IF YOU ARE NOT NON-MONOGAMOUS, AND DON'T WANT TO BE, DON'T. I've capped that because it is important. Really important.

 

Plenty of men want monogamy. You just have to lose this guy and find them.

 

And never make yourself that unhappy to please a guy.

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This guy sounds like a dog to me. Even worse using sex to compromise. But would you even want sex with him after he says those things? It is supposed to be a pleasant and enjoyable act, not one that makes you feel bad.

 

Now if he is saying/doing things only after he has been drinking then he may have a problem with not being able to control himself when drinking, and perhaps he should drink less or not at all if he ends up saying/doing things to upset you while he is under the influence. I personally don't get what is so good about drinking and sex, I like to be totally there to enjoy it and not have my senses affected.

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I've been in non-monogamous relationships. None of them were because the other person would cheat if I didn't.

 

IF YOU ARE NOT NON-MONOGAMOUS, AND DON'T WANT TO BE, DON'T. I've capped that because it is important. Really important.

 

Plenty of men want monogamy. You just have to lose this guy and find them.

 

And never make yourself that unhappy to please a guy.

 

This! You don't have to do anything like this to keep a guy happy. You are way too young to waste your time on someone that immature. Oddly enough, we are supposed to stop having this breath-holding type fit when we get out of elementary school, but a lot of people don't seem to get that memo until well later in life.

 

You want monogamy and there isn't a thing wrong with it. Non-monogamy (and/or being bisexual) isn't the "new thing". Don't let anyone or anything try and tell you that it is and that you have to put up with it or be alone. Hell, I'm not monogamous and I don't even have or give into threesomes. Meh. This sort of behaviour gives those of us who aren't mono a really bad rap.

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Its funny that you mention this, sounds like a similar situation by boyfriend

told me about when he was with an ex of his..She cried and was really Mad.

I don't think thats the reason they broke up, they broke up because she cheated.

Anyways, its just a fantasy, he shouldn't be giving you ultimatums, Id dump his loser Butt!

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The guy is trying to force you into allowing him to have sex with other women, have you have sex with other women, and have you both to himself to satisfy his own needs abd using "love" and "sex" as power-ploys and tools to pressure you.

 

He's immature and likely the cause of a lack of lifeguards in the gene pool.

 

Drop him and find someone with your time who isn't going to make you do thins you don't want to do because, honestly, he doesn't love you if he's pulling this garbage.

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