Am I being stupid?

[Tonk]

Not sure why I cant get my life together and keep making stupid mistakes.

 

I have posted a few messages on this forum before but seem to keep going over the same sort of problems. Not sure why?

 

1. I had a full on reltionship with a girl which lasted 5 months

2. We split up because she wasnt over her ex.

3. I had to move out of my flat very quickly and moved into her share house.

 

Why you may ask?? All my friends said dont move but it seemed like the best choice at the time even though I was very reluctant. I get on really well with all her flatmates, she wanted me to move in and it was getting me out of a tight spot. The problem is we are friends but she keeps doing things which imply more. I was sleeping in the sun room for a few nights while they sorted out the bedrooms and twice she said I was more than willing to sleep in her room as its cooler has fly screens etc... Also she is doing things like moving my toothbrush into her glass and washing my clothes. She also made a comment the other week which was along the lines that it would be good because we would see if we could live together. Ok this morning something happened, one of the other guys got up early to go to work and I woke up as well and thought I would get an early start at work. I went to the kitchen to make breakfast and noticed her car pulling up. She waited outside the door for a few minutes until I had finished. We didnt speak but there was obvious tension around. I guess she must think I waited as she didnt come home the night before and i think she is probably sleeping with someone else.

 

I went to work and cried for an hour .

I guess I felt that we had something special and am now wondering if she just sleeps around with anyone, as a couple of other things happened while we were seeing each other.

 

The problem was our relationship was so intense from the beginning we saw each other every night for those 5 months. I dont want her to think I am some sort of physcotic ex and would like to remain friends. I guess what I am wondering is if I can go through this and stay in the house it may be a positive thing as we may remain friends or more and in the long run may be a good thing. The question is can you get through such feeling when you are reminded of someone. Up until this morning I think it has been good as we I was getting over her much quicker while we are in the same house, which sounds odd. I think maybe if i can get through the short term of pain of seeing her with others maybe it will all be over sooner. Does anyone have any experience of this and if you can get through the pain while still living in the same house? Or does anyone have any other advice as I feel so stupid about these things and I think most of my friends think this also so can no longer talk to them about it. Also I think I should bring it up and talk to her to say that I wasnt spying but I feel this will just make the whole thing worse. She is a great girl but very very mixed up and I dont want to add to this. Please help any advice would be appreciated.

[Beec]

Tonk,

 

Everything you are doing would go against what most people here will tell you. Most here will tell you to use the "no contact" rule and stop talking to, seeing, texting, emailing or any other form of communicating with ehr including sending smoke signals. If you live in the same house, that's not possible.

 

I'd tell you that there are a few reasons people like the "no contact" rule. I think it does two things: keeps you from being near the thing that is hruting you; and prevents you from engaging in behavior that blows your last chanes at getting the ex back, should you want that to happen. The behavior is generally what I would call anti-seductive behavior: anti-seducers are insecure, self-absorbed and unable to grasp the thoughts of the other person. Instead of being aware of how the other might be thinking, they are only aware of their needs, desires, wants, etc. Anti-seductive behavior is begging or pleading with the person to come back, because you need them, love them etc. Seductive behavior is trying to make them feel inclined to be attracted to you, trying to put them into an emotional condition that is positive just because they are around you, giving tehm emotional fulfillment, all the while remaining aloof, vague, independent, and NOT NEEDY.

 

Guess what? She is doing a heck of a job using seductive behavior on you, whether she means it or not. She washes your clothes and take care of you in some ways. Doesn't that feel great? At the same time, she is aloof coming home after staying out all night.

 

No contact can be useful, but sometimes it is not possible and sometimes one can get along without it. I don't know what your options are, but I would not raise the topic of her staying out. I would try to act like it did not bother me.

 

I'd also try to figure what you want, then work to make that happen. If you want her, then figure out how to seduce her back into your arms. Will it work? Maybe, but if you don't really understand how to do it (fulfill her emotional needs, remain aloof and vague). you do not stand a good chance. If you don't want her, move on.

[bzborow1]

The easiest thing I could offer for you would be to let her staying out go. Don't bring it up. What for? You two are officially separated, etc, etc...and if you did want her back i think the easiest place would be to act in a "cocky and funny" way. An example would be teasing her...ex. she grabs your should and hangs on you, just turn and give her the looks, half smile, and then ignore her...treat her like you would treat your bratty little sister.

 

Some ppl call these games, and they are, its fun for you as well as them. And in the meantime, go to some clubs and start meeting some new women....always have 'options', or at least know that you can create 'options' when you want to.

 

Cheers.

[Suavemantotherescue]

Well you seem good at observing her actions but have you checked out how YOU act around her. Perhaps your actions are causing her to think that you are still intrested and she dosne't know how she quite feels about you.

 

Dose she still have the Ex-BF she broke up with you for still? Is she single? If so, then maybe she's considdering getting back together with you but she's not sure if she really wants to.

 

Going out with someone then try to do the friends thing is hard and sucky, since you know so much about eachother, its hard not to think of them that way. The intenstion was to let you stay with her as friedns but now that you've been around her for so long you both just dont know what to do.

 

What I suggest is not to ignor her but to talk to her about how you feel. All the stuff she dose to you are just things you probably did as a couple. Don't go up and be like "Duh........I still wants to be GF/BF so I likes you and stuff." Instead, you tell her about those things she dose to you and ask her what those actions mean, then you'll find out for sure. remember, you could tell her how you feel but that would make Flat life very alkward between you 2. Hope that helps.