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Love without physical love?


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5 months ago my first gay relationship has started. I fell in love with a girl, very unusual girl... We both have our own issues with sex, however we both fell for each other. In the beginning it was like a miracle, passionate, beautiful. From the very beginning we both declared love and she mentioned then that sex might be a problem, because she is not really very sexually driven. I was OK with this, being myself not the most passionate type. Hugging, kissing, giving just simple physical comfort as touching could make me happy. However in the beginning we had sex. And then it stopped. I do not like initiating something when I see that my lover is far away from the theme. I see she is perfectly happy with just spending some time before sleep, sharing simple joys: reading the book together, going for a walk, talking, laughing. I love all that with her. And then she just turns away and goes to sleep. I can hug her, she doesn't mind. She also doesn't mind if I don't. Lately I've noticed body language that would tell me that she is keeping her distance (we are working together): I would move my chair closer, she would move her a little bit away...things like that. At the same time she says she loves me unconditionally and I trust her. She is a great friend. However I started having my doubts, because I do not feel loved on physical level, I started feeling awkward when I undress in front of her, because I do not feel appreciated in this way. I see in myself a trend - I am pulling away from her.. I spoke to her about the matter. She was understanding, sad that I am unhappy, one more time told me that she has just a few needs in this life, however she wants to know when do I need being physical, for her to be able to meet my needs.... I feel something is wrong with a picture. I do not see relationship this way. She is being generous and satisfying my cravings for physical touch without really enjoying or needing it? Just because I have needs? It is not how I see balanced relationship. My question: is somebody experienced something like that, how you deal with it? I feel I am losing intimacy with her...

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I've been in her shoes. I really liked this girl, and loved being close to her, but the sexual chemistry wasn't there. I was tempted to try to keep the relationship going, because I liked her a lot, but I knew it was futile, and I told her. I believe that sex is the glue which keeps a relationship together. Lucky for her, she respected herself enough to end it with me, because I was tempted to string her along, because I liked her so much. But sex is no trivial matter. I recommend you end it with her. Respect yourself, and don't settle for a relationship that isn't. Go for what you know you deserve. It's better to be alone than to be subjecting yourself to rejection constantly.

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People are in relationships for different reasons so lack of sex does not necessarily mean you should break up. In this case though you seem unhappy and unfulfilled so I am with Lucy_lou. I think you should end it with her. Complaining and pinning for something you cant have, may get you sympathy, but it is not going to get you what you really want.

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Thank you for your replies... I am still thinking, because I am not sure what caused that change, we had chemistry, there were her words "I feel like we are sharing the same body"... and I felt it too. I can not say for sure she is cold for me but definitely she is reserved. I am delicate by nature and do not feel comfortable trying to break this reservation, I want her to have her own path and feel free to feel what she feels, if that makes sense. I love her absolutely, I have no desire to go and look for "what I deserve". I deserve to love another person and I do, what else to look for? I do not think she treats me poorly, she is just being herself and I love her. At the same time I am worried about these signs of reservation, I long for the times when we were more open and can not understand what has changed to cause this. I know if I ask her now, she would say that everything is OK. I would prefer her to speak when/if she is ready. If she wants slowly let me go, I will accept it. It is not a matter of self-respect, I have no problem with it, it is a matter of a miracle that slowly fades away and I am trying to build my attitude to it, acceptance and grace not to disturb or hurt her. The fact that I am sad is my own lesson that I am willing to learn, I want only beautiful and good things for her and us and I am trying to see the situation from different angles to find the one that makes sense and the right one.

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  • 3 weeks later...

She knew, when you both declared your feelings, that sex would be a problem. So, the problem isn't a lack of attraction to you. It was there before you came along. Low sex drive or something in her history. She can get counseling if she wants help with this issue. But I would never have sex with someone if they didn't want to. It's not worth it. My integrity means more than having someone satisfy me by rote.

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Perhaps she is not truly a lesbian/bisexual, or perhaps she's even asexual. I wouldn't take it personally, but it does sound like she isn't particularly interested in a sexual relationship. If that is what you are looking for--and that is more than understandable, mind you; physical intimacy and attraction are the mainstay of any relationship--she does not sound like she'll provide an adequate amount and you'll probably want to consider moving on.

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Thank you everyone for your feedback! I initiated a conversation with my love about the issue. It is not a lack of actual sex that was bothering me, but a general lack of physical intimacy. I've told her that I do not feel appreciated physically and she was very upset. She was mad with herself that she failed to express her love to me, but this is true, her issues with sex started way before me met. Through this conversation I understood one more time how precious she is for me. I understood that I do not want "things" from relationship, I want to be with her and I it is important for me to accept her the way she is. At the same time she made some changes too and now I can not complain on lack of physical intimacy. Just another lesson - talk when there is a problem, if two people love each other they would find a way to make each other happy.

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Actually I was mistaken. The issue didn't go away. I just hoped very much it did. In the beginning of relationship we both were very passionate. Later our sex became less and less often. The thing is when we are together we both sleep fully dressed: sweatpants, sweatshirts, etc. That minimizes physical contact by itself. We do hug, but this is all. If I wouldn't hug her, it is a rare event she would hug me on her own. At the same time she wants to spend nights with me, misses me, says she loves me and I do believe her. Would she be different with someone else? I do not know. May be no, may be yes. I do not think she knows herself. After we talked we started sleeping naked, hugged. It was wonderful as a change, but after three nights the issue came back, because naked or not, there is a closed door on sex. At the same time she says that she is very physically attracted to me. It is hard for me to understand. If I do not want sex with someone, who wants me, I consider myself not being sexually attracted to this person. Well, we are all different, I guess. I do love her or at least I do think so. I know for sure that I am not going around unhappy, whining "where is sex, where is sex" It is pathetic and useless, I can spend my time and energy in a better way. So to come to peace with the issue I've decided to close this door for myself. If I stop considering that sex is an option, I will stop being disappointed. I know I can do that much. At the same time I want to give it a go, I want to try to explore our togetherness without sexual love and will see what happens.

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