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I usually dont so im just trying to write about it. I know i just went thru hell yesterday and usually after im able to survive that i feel alot better. I know my body is just struggling to cope with this. Im starting to feel better because im really starting to see things come together to where i might actually be able to get over my ex. Im usually afraid to feel good because i guess it sends a signal to my body that im able to deal with something that i wasnt able to deal with before. I then end up almost being mad at myself because i dont ever seem to be able to feel good and it last. I also dont like that is how my body copes with things. It really just makes me kinda scared of being happy so i dont really feel so good about it. I also have kinda crazy moodswings so i try not to be too happy so i dont end up being too depressed.

 

I just actually feel like i can do things now when i feel like this. Alot of the time i just feel like things are too much and im trying to do everything all at the same time. Ive basically my whole life tried to be happy but alot of the time things that have ended up making me happy or me trying so hard to be happy actually makes me end up not being so happy. Its like it was too good to be true or im just trying too hard to make something happen that isnt going to happen. I have alot of trouble trying to deal with me having to live the life ive had to live so far and how unhappy its made me. I also want to actually do things that i havent really had any desire to do because i actually feel like ill enjoy them. Its really hard to do things when you as depressed as i am and dont even seem to get any joy out of it. Also alot of stuff i liked to do reminds me of my ex that was abusive and neglectful to me. I just havent really been able to enjoy any of those things anymore since she broke up with me. I think know that im starting to slowly get better at dealing with my depression, anxiety and now my co-dependency that i might be able to get back to doing things like that. I dont even know how to explain how crazy it was for me to be co-dependent to my ex and also still be struggling with it. It was just like anything that i did without her just didnt feel the same so i ended up not liking it. Im also starting to see that i didnt need any super powers or to have my life miraculously get better to be able to deal with it. Its just with things being as hard as they have been for me i felt like it was impossible alot of the times. I still kinda do but i am dealing with it so hopefully i can stop feeling like that. Its just everything has been so hard for me. Its like just writing this is even hard because my mind doesnt work the same as it used to. Im struggling with OCD so my thoughts are alittle all over the place, probably some ADHD because ive been really addicted to things like being on my computer or playing video games to get my mind off of everything, depression, anxiety, and maybe some type of personality disorder like bi-polar. Im also struggling with dealing with emotional abuse from my first ex and alittle from my second. Its pretty much hard when your life is this crazy and for the most part you arent really able to do anything to make it better. You just hope that you can survive it. Well i guess i forgot also suicidal thoughts but if i got into everything that ive been going thru i could write for hours. I know that everyone says that you need to do things to make it so your happy but sometimes its ok to just have things happen that you didnt even try to do that make you happy.

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Im dont know i really think im done trying to be happy anymore. Everything ive ever done in my life to be happy has ended up turning around and just making my life miserable. I dont even like to be happy anymore because this always happen. Sometimes goes wrong like it always does in life and i cant deal with it. I always just feel like im stuck in a victim mentality and i just am sick of doing going wrong and im just stuck being miserable. Ive always tried to be happy and it just doesnt work. I dont even know how to be happy and not try to be too happy because im just so miserable all the time. I really wish that i could just change everything. I keep trying to do things the way you are supposed to do them so things get better. I just feel like the more i try the worse things get. I really just give up trying to make my life better. I just dont know why im supposed to feel like this like im destined to be unhappy forever. I really see myself like those people that spend the rest of their lives dealing with sucidal thoughts and their demons. I just dont want to be that way. Its like how can you see your life being that miserable and you being ok with that. Somehow im just supposed to accept that i hate my life and that no matter how good of a person i am it doesnt even matter. I just end up going thru all this crap and just end up being a miserable person. I really see myself as someone that does everything you can do to make your life miserable but i just am trying to make my life better. I cant change that i was supposed to grow up in such a messed up and horrible environment. I cant change any of that and it just makes everyday unbearable. I dont see anything that ive always dreamed of happening to me anymore. I keep thinking i want to kill myself because i just dont want to spend the rest of my life trying to make my life better and always coming up short. Im just supposed to settle for less but im not that person. I dont even think its anything im consciously doing to make my life this bad its probably all unconscious and i cant even do anythign to change it. This just doesnt make sense anymore. i tried to do everything that i could to make my life better and somehow im just supposed to see that its not supposed to be gettin any better. That im just stuck here having to find a way to deal with all this * * * * before i can ever find some type of peace or happiness. I * * * * ing hate my life its such * * * * ing bull * * * * .

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I dont really ever let my emotions get this bad. Its just i know i probably let them get me really down but this is bad. I just seem to naturally have outbursts like this alot because im sensitive. Its also really hard to have a good image of myself because people have a tendency to pick on you when you show weakness. Im just not really strong enough right now to deal with that. I also dont think the environment im around helps me. So i dont know how i can have good self-confidence, good self-esteem, and basically any of those qualities that make you be ok with yourself when im around people like i am. I just know eventho i dont like gettin like this that it did help me alot. I have had alot of things that ive had alot of trouble facing so im tryin to let it out. I just remember as a kid holding all my emotions because of me gettin like this and people always being insensitive, mean or just not supportive. I can see that im just being human and that this is going to happen but im not ok with it or just dont feel comfortable. Ive always tried to show this good guy image and its just not real. I end up just having moments like this and wanting to hide from them or people. I guess im ashamed to be like this. I just saw myself as such a good person before and now after all the stuff ive been thru, its really hard to see myself as a good person when im struggling with so much. I guess that would probably make me not such a great person but i just dont feel ok with myself when im like this. I know that if my life is ever going to get better im gonna have to try to do that. Its just hard with me having to deal with so many problems and just being this person that is miserable because of their life. I guess i would have to try to improve my life but with everything the way it is now i dont even know where to begin. I also dont even know if i could because i end up having so many problems that i just cant deal with them at all.

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What are your problems? Why is life so bad? I ask this because so many people have lost their jobs recently and some are out on the street, unable to support their family. That's just one example. Life is tough for a lot of people... Why do you feel so down about yours? Maybe it's not as bad as you think?

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I just want to get some stuff out of my system first. I just dont like talking about it because i feel like people look at me crazy. I guess it is crazy but this is just how my life ends up being most of the time. I dont even know if people will react the same way because when you are doing bad like i was before you just seem to attract the wrong type of people idk. It could also be because i wasnt really able to be strong that some people wouldnt react to me the same. I had a 2.5 year relationship with a girl i loved like no other. The crazy thing about it is the whole time it was long distance. I never got to meet her and for whatever reason it wasnt going to happen. Everytime something would happen that would make it impossible. I just tried to be strong and see if things would somehow it would work out. The other crazy thing is we were both wanting to be each others first. It was like we just seemed to be so perfect for each other. Everything just seemed to be like a dream. Its just alot of stuff would end up happening that would ruin all of it. She was abused and for awhile had to spend almost all her time at home with her abusive dad. She hated him more than anything. The relationship itself was also kinda hard because of the distance but that didnt stop me from caring about her and wanting to make it work. Its just because of her dad it seemed like she wanted to have someone there. It just kept on gettin worse and worse. I ended up gettin really depressed because i didnt understand why i would meet someone that would be so perfect for me but i would never get to meet them. At the end she meet a guy that was a friend of her cousins and then she completely changed on me. All these things just slowly start to happen like the signs of the end. She ended up treating me like i meant nothign to here towards the end. I basically just had nothing left. I kept trying to find ways to deal with things and it just was like i was going crazy. I still cant see that she wasnt good for me because in so many ways she was so perfect for me. I really just dont know how you let go of something like that. I know i have to because i can be stuck like this forever but i really just dont care. I just cant see my life ever being close to how it was when i was with her. I know it was probably all the fantasy of it and that i wasnt aware of things like i am now but it really doesnt matter anymore. Im just stuck here and have no way of feeling like i would ever have something that felt as good as that in my life. I might just end up alone for the rest of my life because of this attitude but i have no idea on how i can live my life knowing that i can be teased this much with life with something that seemed to be so good ending up to be nothing.

 

I have so many things in my life that are wrong i dont even know where to start. I could talk about how i grew up in my own fantasy world because i would spend all my time by myself. That bubble burst in a * * * * load of pain when 1st two relatioships ended in a really messed up way. I basically have been abandoned by everyone i was ever close to. I have basically had no real friends or close family members. The only person i ever felt close to was my 1st ex/love and she basically tore my life to shreds. I end up being so depressed that i have lost all my ambition and will. I have bad social anxiety because in most social setting i would end up being teased or made fun of because i was different. I see it as jealousy because i wasnt afraid to be myself. I basically have had bad experiences in every job i have ever had. I always try to do good in this world and it just turns around and somehow ends up being something that makes me hate how people tend to treat the good ones like crap. Ive been struggling with severe depression for over 3 years. Ive had to fight suicidal thoughts, lack of taking care of myself, trying to keep myself from completely self-destructing. I have to try to keep my mind from feeling like i dont even care if i end up being one of those people that take all the messed up things that have happened to them and use it as a reason to do things that would end up making their life worse. I have no support system or anyone to talk to about anything. Im always the outsider or outcast. I dont even care to be happy anymore because it just ends up making me even unhappier. I seem to be so mad at everything that i cant even find any way to deal with things. Ive had my memory black out for the whole time that i was with my 1st ex/love. I dont even know how to explain all the anger and rage issues. I was abused in my first relationship so now i have abusive thoughts. I also am still almost going crazy because of the scars of emotional abuse. I just dont know how to handle what seemed like everything i wished for in my life not coming true and the painful realization that it might never even be close to that. Im just supposed to be happy with whatever i get in life but im not happy with what i have in my life. I think its not even worth trying to be happy about.

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mr me, life is a series of letdowns. If you think of life on the whole as nothing but a letdown, however, you're missing out. It's true that if you have a negative attitude, that's the kind of people you'll attract in life. And when someone nice comes along you'll shut them out or push them away due to your negative attitude. I don't know exactly what you're looking for, but you have the capability to be happy - we all do as humans. It's up to you to decide how to feel.

 

I went through two abusive relationships, watched 4 of my family members suffer and die because of cancer (literally was with one until his last breath), lost a close friend who was killed by a drunk driver, and the list goes on. I've been cheated on, slapped around, hit and kicked, literally. And you know what? I think about the people who have gone through worse. I think about the family members who had to die from cancer and all the trouble they went through. I think about the exes who abused me and pray that they find peace for once through therapy or whatever. I don't think about "Man, I've got it tough, why me?" - ok, that's not entirely true. I think we all have those moments. But they should only be moments, not what our lives revolve around.

 

I'm not saying your problems are insignificant, but people have the capability to pull through - it depends on your outlook of life. Will you learn and move on, or choose to dwell on everything?

 

As far as finding someone goes, my uncle lived with his mom until he was 30. He never talked to women and was shy. A girl literally came to HIS door looking for him and they got married - have been for 20 years. Love found him, and it can find you...you just have to open up to it.

 

I've never been to counseling before, but maybe you could look into that? I know you always have a lot to say, and while we will be here to listen, maybe a counselor can help you in a professional way?

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I dont think people really understand what its like for me. You can go thru the most craziest things in life but if you dont have chemical imbalances in your head then its probably something youll be able to go thru. I have OCD which makes me have so much trouble trying to stop myself from thinking about the bad things in my life. Its almost the opposite the way my brain works its makes me think about it more. I also have depression and anxiety so i tend to always take things way too hard and always have negative thoughts going thru my head. I have to deal with a trauma like instance in my life where my whole memory was basically blacked out. Im basically have even more scars because of how alot of the stuff i was going thru in my 1st relationship seemed to psychologically damage me. This whole time my whole life the only way ive been able to survive is to basically make myself into someone im not. The pain in my life is so bad that i cant even deal with it. It just keeps gettin at me till i basically need to think it didnt happen but even that causes alot of problems. I dont care also how strong of a person you are if you dont have people around you that make you feel good and instead make you feel worse i just dont see that as being a way to live. I keep having my suicidal thoughts get stronger in my head because all this time ive tried to deal with my life and find a way to pull thru it and yet i just get to moments like this and it just goes to nothing. Ive tried therapy but for it to really work you need to find someone that you can feel comfortable with. I dont know anyone that has been thru half the stuff i have gone thru so how is anyone going to know how to help me. Its basically always up to myself because so many things i go thru just seem crazy and impossible to deal with. Im sorry but the whole thing about being negative or me supposed to be doing something else to help myself i just dont see the point. I would try to see anyone that goes thru what ive had to deal with in my life and not feel the same exact way. Im one of the strongest people that i can ever think would go thru anything because if i wasnt i would of broken down so long ago. I keep trying and trying and just for whatever reason i cant deal with this. I dont know if its the whole memory thing being blocked out because there are issues i cant cope with. I dont know if its all my issues coming back stronger and stronger everytime i try to deal with them i dont know. Im just not like alot of people and i dont feel like i fit in with anyone. Im just not that type of person but everything is just so miserable right now.

 

I cant say that there isnt a reason why people kill themselves. I cant say that there isnt a reason why they are children somewhere living in poverty with no one to be there for them. I cant say that their arent people out there that just have so many things that arent good for them or just are living under circumstances that are just so sick and screwed up. Its just the whole seeing that there are people in this world that are doing so bad doesnt do anything for me. Im one of those people that are doing so bad that im just lost with everything. I dont know if its just your depressed for so long that you just dont feel good anymore i dont know. I just cant see anyone say that if i did something else or i changed that this wouldnt be happening or it wouldnt be this bad. I would like anyone to try to deal with anything like the type of stuff i have been thru and show me that they would deal with it different under my circumstances. I have very little to hold on to but i cant see anyone tell me that im not doing whatever is possible for me to make my life better. Its just if i cant do it then i cant i dont know if it will change someday but right now im doing everything i can to completely not just go crazy or breakdown.

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I also think that you cant pull thru when things get hard. Its just for whatever reason i cant do that right now. Its just sickening to me to go thru the stuff i go thru. I know people will basically just say whatever but you dont have any idea what im going thru. I know people can say oh well this is just another depressed person not trying to let someone help them. I would like them to see what its like to be depressed and even when people are trying to help you, to know that it might not even have anything to do with people trying to help you. It basically just has to deal with the timing because somethings in life are just to painful to deal with or move on from. Somethings in life are just to hard to cope with. Its not like people dont go thru crazy stuff in there lives or kill themselves for no reason. Its just no one really knows what its like till they are that person in that situation. I also see for whatever reason people try to help me thru situations that they have been in themselves. Its just they also should try to be understanding because just like themselves it was something they had to deal with over time. Im sorry if i said anything to get anyone the wrong way but this is just stuff i have to deal with all the time. I really wish someone would just be understanding and let me just be miserable if i need to be miserable. Its not easy when you are like this and people just want to try to get you out of it. I then have to be the bad guy and tell them that i appreciate their help but its not helping. I really wish it would but idk its just not.

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