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Loves Labour's Lost


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In all my writings I tend to focus on the rollercoaster of emotions as well as the blaming stages of a breakup. We all tend to believe that the dumper “did this to you.” They may have walked out the door into the arms of someone else but I can tell you with an open heart, “they” are not doing anything TO YOU. You are the one creating the way you feel. It’s a tough pill to swallow, yet the truth shall be self evident.




Let’s dig a little deeper shall we. When a lover tells you it’s over, then the sooner you take it for a fact rather than they are merely being drastic to prove a point, the sooner you will start to let go. This is easier said than done but trust me on this one, it can be done. What you know and what they know are probably completely different. You may feel your life is over while on the other hand they might be thinking this is difficult to do but it has to happen in order for them to move forward and be happy in the long run. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean it’s wrong.




People do what they feel is right regardless of what the other may think because we can only change our own perception and circumstances. The aftermath of their decision can ripple and affect you as well as others but their decision is made typically before a break occurs; sometimes maybe months or weeks in advance. In simple terms, break ups hurt. They make the person being dumped feel as if they were not loved enough for someone to stay. The person being dumped is left with a million different questions that no one else can answer but the person that just walked out the door. Those questions are called closure. We want answers but no matter how much we want them, sometimes its better not to know the truth. The truth can sometimes not only hurt your heart but stab you in the back. Ever had a lover tell you they cheated on you with your best friend? If so, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about.




What I can’t figure out is why we want someone back that not only treated us badly but didn’t care that they did? If someone cheats or let’s say is a womanizer and you end things, why would you secretly wish they would come back and give it another chance? The only logical conclusion I can muster is that people assume they can change someone else into becoming what they wanted them to be in the first place. I am guilty of thinking this way years ago but I have learned the hard way that people are who they are like a piece of clay through the years, they have been molded, just like ourselves, and finally hardened thru the years to become the core of what will be forever. In short, can people be changed? The answer is yes BUT....the individual has to do it because they want to NOT because you want them to. You might want to read that last line again in case you are secretly out there wishing and hoping your ex will change for you. I wish you the best but know in your heart you are wasting your time. You will typically get more change from a rock than you will from an ex.




Ask yourself this question, if you didn’t know what you wanted, how would you change in order to get it? Silly question yet makes an important point. First, if you don’t know what you want, you can’t get it. Not very complex to understand but knowing what you want is the first step. Let’s delve a little deeper shall we?




Let’s assume I had a book that said “How to become wealthy in less than a year”. Let’s also assume I became wealthy after a year from reading exactly what they said to do in order to achieve wealth. Would everyone that read the book become wealthy? Probably not because of the way people perceive things, thoughts and personal change. If you were in a bad way with finance, would you not ask someone who isn’t? Would you not read a book on how to budget or possibly how to manage your money better? Sounds logical enough doesn’t it? Surprisingly, there are so many out there that assume that if you try harder that things will get better. WRONG! This goes right back to knowing what you want. If you don’t know what it is you want, how can things get better? Just because you want someone back in your life or you want your finances to improve doesn’t mean they are unless you do what you can to know exactly what it is you want and how to achieve it. The big difference is your finance issue belongs to you. My point is that you can only change what is already yours.




If you speak of achieving success yet lie on the couch all day, do nothing and assume you can get a job pays six figures, then you are irrational. Why would you assume that someone will change based off their past behavior? Because they said they loved you? How much did they love you? Can you 100% answer that question? Loving someone means commitment and respect from both individuals involved. It takes consistency and learning to bend a bit in order to compromise. Without compromise there is only one-sided thinking. Who wants to be in a relationship where only one person cares and is giving whiles the other doesn’t care and takes what you have to give? Learn to stand up for yourself and say “no more”. The more you tolerate abuse in any form, the more it will become habit. I have often said that many believe “something is better than nothing”. I disagree 100% with this statement because you are settling for what you believe you deserve. How wrong is this? Do you deserve someone who lies, cheats and makes you feel as if you don’t matter? The answer is one thousand times NO. If you are allowing someone to hurt you then I suggest you take a look deep within yourself and ask “why”?




People do not make you feel anything. You choose to feel the way you do based off of what you want to feel at that moment. This is completely different than physical pain. Physical pain, such as hitting your finger with a hammer is responsive and not by choice. Emotional pain comes from within and how the individual has learned to handle stimulus such as this in the past. As an example, thing of a professional speaker or performer that has to be in front of people on a daily basis. If they have no prior experience speaking or singing in front of a large crowd, how well do you think they would compare to someone that has years of experience?




The more you hold onto something, the more tired you will become. For example, think of tug-of-war. You are holding onto the rope until one team pulls the flag accross the designated point. Using the same example, imagine a tug-of-war game that lasted months? How exhausted would you be? Wouldn’t it be easier to let go if the rope and accept defeat than to hold on in order to possibly lose? No one wants to lose. We all want to win because of the competitiveness of the challenge yet when only one side is fighting to win and the other team isn’t even there, we call this a forfeit. In short, when you are the only one fighting, what do you have to win?




Take your time and learn to focus on you. If you need to separate yourself from your ex, then do it. If you are in a position where you assume things will magically get better, then you are only postpoing the inevitable. You cannot assume that things will just get better because you want them to. Choose your battles wisely and learn that the toughest enemy is yourself.




Take care,



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Superdave, very profound stuff!


I am better now. I read most of your posts when I first joined. Very helpful and what you speak are FACTS!


Thank you, SD!




Same here. JUst wanted to thank you again SD for the posts you had made in the past. I read them more then a year ago when I came to this board and am better now too. Even found new love.

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