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He is in a funk


redrose85
When He Says He Wants Space | Begin...
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Not depressed, but has got little lust for life right now. School is sucking the life out of him, and I feel bad, but I also want to kinda wake him up and show him that he can't stop having fun and become completely withdrawn for the next couple of years. That's no way to live. You all made some great suggestions on my thread yesterday "We're so bored". Problem is, I woke up this morning and realized that WE are so bored, because HE's boring. I'm up for anything, and he's just...not.

 

He won't go ice skating because his feet don't fit in the boots (what?!) I think it's really because his mom forced him to try figure skating when he was a kid and he associates it with bad memories.

 

He won't actually call a dojo and check pricing. He says he has, but I did a lot of looking online yesterday and most of the websites had no info about pricing, or free trial classes.

 

He doesn't like to go for walks or hikes- says it's boring

 

I have suggested trying a cooking class, and he was totally against the idea. We can't make sushi because he's allergic to fish and shellfish. That I get, but it's still frustrating.

 

He does not like the bar or club scene, and gets a bit of social anxiety (I go very occasionally, and it's nice to have as an option.)

 

He doesn't want to play sports with me, or do anything with me, really. It makes me feel like crap. I suggest that we at least rent a movie or something, and he says no. It's like it's too much effort to just go to the movie store. He's not interested in anything right now, and I am not sure what to do at this point. I am scared that it's just going to get worse and worse and as much as I fight against it, our relationship is going to die, or that I am going to grow and he is going to remain stagnant.

 

He also refuses to go to the gym (hates the atmosphere, boring, etc...)

 

I am worried that he is going to become unhealthy quite quickly, if he continues to sit around and eat chips and cereal as his main food groups... he says that he eats big healthy meals at school, but that's only once a day. Because he's not active, he doesn't need to eat more than twice a day, he just doesn't get hungry.

 

What he does like to do:

 

Play WoW. I tried this, when I was doing research for a class. I didn't enjoy it, but I gave it the old college try.

Play paintball (this happens a couple of times a year) He dreams of opening up an indoor paintball field. I have played the last few times, and mostly enjoyed it.

Go to the pub, have some wings and a few drinks- I usually go, hang out with the guys.

Watch tv (history, space, the funny shows on Discovery, etc...) I like these shows too, but the tv is ALWAYS on.

 

Right now, this is really it for his likes. He is going full-throttle through school and granted, doesn't have money for certain activities (neither do I) and I get that he is focusing on school for now, and just trying to get through it. He is making it into such a negative experience. Not wanting to be there, not wanting to make any new friends (he likes his group, same group since grade school). I feel like he is just going through the motions of life and I'm worried for him. He doesn't even wear clothes at home anymore. He gets home from school, hunkers down on WoW for a couple of hours (immediately after stripping off all clothes) has some dinner and then starts in on homework. He doesn't even seem interested in sex, and honestly, he is getting pretty flabby and watching that all hang out day in and day out is kind of a turn-off. I actually told him yesterday that it kind of impedes attraction when he is always sitting around butt-naked. There is no mystery, and no sexuality behind his nakedness. It's just because he doesn't want to wear clothes.

 

Thing is, when we started going out a few years ago, I feel like he put on a front. We went for walks, hiking, we cooked together, went to the beach, went camping, etc... now it feels like he just doesn't want to do anything. I know he is tired and crabby, but I am getting tired of Mr. Mopey whineypants. I am bored and I do not feel I should have to hang out with my guy/girl friends all the time or be by myself to have all the fun in life.

 

I am trying to get together with a girlfriend and try foxy boxing (chick kickboxing). I am learning to drive, I try to catch rock-shows every once in awhile, I am going to go to a photo scavenger hunt dealy where I know one person, I go for walks, I go to the gym, etc... I also know how to kick back and relax and do (relatively) nothing, but I feel like life needs a kick in the pants every once in awhile, and I just don't understand how someone can just let it pass him by. It seems like such a waste. He is so focused on the future, and that's good, but what about right now? He's forgetting to live, and I don't know how to get through to him.

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Wow. I'm a bit speechless that he won't try or do ANY of those.. I thought they where good suggestions. (Probably cause I suggested the Ice skating

 

Maybe I'm making it seem like a bigger deal then it is and you guys are happy in other areas but I'd be a bit let down too or maybe worried. Very worried. And put off.

Maybe this is him and his true self after years of being together. Maybe he didn't put on a front, but over time he's evolved into being very... unadventurous/uncompromising and like you said school has made him this way. I think he really needs to find some balance though. I'm a firm believer that studies ARE very important but shouldn't suck the fun out of life nor rule it.

 

It kind of seems to me like he doesn't want to go anywhere or get out of the house?

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Hmmm.... this could be a problem. You sound like you have two different activity levels.

 

Some people are out-and-abouters, and others are nesters. This can work if you both are happy doing things apart, then being together at home when the out-and-abouter gets home.

 

But if can be a huge source of conflict if you want him to get out and do things with you. Different people have different ideas about how much couples time should be spent together.

 

How much do you love him, and how would you feel if he never changed? That is an important question to ask, will you be OK if this is the best it gets?

 

You can try to negotiate with him, but if he won't negotiate, you need to accept him as is, and decide whether you are OK doing things with other people and not expecting his company during those activities.

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Don't get me wrong, I love to stay home too. Just not all the time. We went to a bonfire last weekend and that was fun, but I know that we only went because someone called and invited him. He doesn't take initiative. I suggested that we play laser tag this weekend as something fun to do, and he said sure... but that was it. He just said "sure.. we can do that" in this hesitant way as though he is just trying to appease me. I suggested we go snow tubing up the mountain as well one of these days. It's a bit of a drive, but I think it would be fun. This is just such a contrast to the guy who took me bungee jumping because he wanted me to share that experience. It's like he is fading away, and doesn't realize it. Of course I love him. He makes me laugh, we have fun at home just goofing around, but always being shot down hurts too, and I don't want to have a boring life. I am okay with doing things on my own/with friends without him, but there comes a point when you are hanging out with guy friends too much, ya know? And it starts to look bad, and people start to question when I merely want some company. I just feel like he should want to spend as much free time with me as he can, having fun and trying new things. I mean, I have spent hours in a muddy, damp forest getting shot at with paint (and I was bruised for a month and half after the most recent game). Parts of it were fun, but it's not something I'd do just for the sake of it. I did it because it meant something to him. I wish he would get back to the old attitude he used to have and slap on a pair of skates for the chance to spend a couple of relaxed hours with me.

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Im more of the active outdoorsy one in my relationship - my SO likes to go out (sometimes) He goes because I tell him we can't always be sitting home like old people. My parents have been married for 35yrs now have always went out to dances/casinos/trips/night out together from the time I can remember. I try to make the same happen in our relationship. At first - he was the one always making the plans, then he stopped & it was me. He said he was in a funk ...I took the initiative on all plans - told him he either goes or stays home alone.

 

He goes...& got out of his funk - now is always telling me about places he wants us to go & plans them again! Help your BF get out of this funk by NOT asking but doing. Thats my suggestion

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A dojo is a building/room where you practice martial arts- sorry for not clarifying

 

 

Well, he went off to school today and I did my thing. I spent the day with a friend. He is teaching me to drive on his car, and since we both had the day off, we spent a long time tooling around, going to the mall, and finally driving out of town to see other friends. I spent hours practicing my driving, so that was awesome. We all came back to the home that my bf and I share and had dinner, and hung out until the guys went to see a movie. Just spending the day apart was a good thing I think. Alex could do his thing, and I did mine. We had some good quality time once the friends left. MORE unexpected expenses came up (enough already!) so now we officially cannot do anything that costs any money lol. I think it was better for us to spend the day apart and do our own thing. A few of us are planning to go to a shooting range and go shoot things, and he will definitely be a part of that.

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