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He has commitment issues


tinydancer08

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In the past I have gotten great responses from all of you and I am in need once again. My ex and I broke up 6 months ago. We didn't talk for about 2 months, he started to move on, I started to move on, then he contacted me saying he still had feelings for me and missed talking to me. He asked if we could be friends and talk and see where it went from there. So, I agreed, we have been talking again for about 3 months. Seeing eachother from time to time, things really seem to be looking up. I realized that I too needed to figure out if I really wanted to be with him, and like a light bulb flipping on about 2 weeks ago, I realized that I absolutely did want to be with him forever for many reasons. He has been about 1000 miles away for those 2 weeks now on business and made a comment one night when I asked him when he was coming home and he said that he was only coming home to get me and bring me with him. So, I finally pour my heart out to him and tell him all the wonderful things I have been thinking and how excited I am that I have finally figured out what I want. His response was "I'm glad you have figured things out the problem is I am not sure what I want right now. I can't make a commitment to anyone, right now I like the way things are" (he said he wasn't dating, seeing, sleeping with anyone else). I told him I didn't want to be on a dead end road and he responded by saying "Well we are on a road. No one can tell if they are on a dead end or a never ending road so you can make your guess and do what you think is right. I told you I am no commiting right now I am satisfied at the present and I can't see where the road is going but I am on it". What do I do? I don't want to push him away, but we have been together off and on for over 4 years... I know I want to be with him but I have been waiting for so long. Please help me figure this out!

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I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's one of those really impossible ones. There are only 2 options as I see it. The first is to keep doing what you're doing. The problem with that option is that you are kept on a string by this guy. I've been there and so have many of my friends. The sad thing is, a guy who repeatedly tells you he can't commit, really can't (or won't). So you may continue on this rollercoaster for a long time, until he does something hurtful, like suddenly announce that he's in love with someone else.

 

The second option is the one I favour - cut and run! This is actually the harder option, but better in the long run. In situations like yours, I would tell my friends to cut off all contact. You have to be forceful though, so he doesn't wait 2 more months and then contact you again when he's feeling lonely.

 

Maybe not what you wanted to hear... good luck and keep us posted!

CG

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I think you are wasting your time with him. If he was going to committ, I think he would have committed long before now. I wouldn't put my life on hold, waiting for any man to figure out whether it was me he wanted or not...

 

Been there, done that and with a guy who kept on coming back to me, yet he wouldn't commit. He kept me around for a long long time living in hopes....only to end up marrying someone else within months of meeting her.

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How old are you?

 

If you are quite young and the issue is he doesn't want to marry anytime soon, then his answer makes sense.

 

But if you are in your late 20s or older and he is talking like this, it just means he may never want to commit to you personally, and is stalling til he meets someone he thinks he might like better.

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So you think he is right? I mean honestly, I feel like he is looking at this a lot more objectively than I am... I just can't tell if he is looking for something better... or if he is working out his own issues. He has told me that "You know we're going to be together... so just chill out, have fun, and let things happen".

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Yes, you should try to move on. I agree with the others who said he's keeping you on a string -- your his backup plan -- how is that fair to you?

 

Don't try and stay in his life -- and ask him not to stay in yours for the immediate future. You need time and space to figure things out. With the benefit of a little space, I think you'll realize that there are a lot of guys out there who will make you their priority.

 

Good luck!

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Whats with people all the sudden having commitment issues after being in a relationship for that long??

 

Why bother getting involved then? I never understood this!

 

If he wanted to be with you, he would. Dont try to understand him, analyze him or make excuses for him. There are plenty of people out there looking for a commitment & you deserve to find that person.

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What if he's just trying to take things slow so we don't have the same relationship we used to have... ?

 

Did he tell you he wants to take things slow? Or are you assuming & just hoping this is his way or thinking?

 

NEVER assume anything!

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At one point he told me that he needed space, support and friendship so that we could become the couple we both wanted to be... and that he does want to be with me just not right now because he doesn't want the same relationship we used to have... I'm so frustrated!! What do you think I should do? Should I say something to him?

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So you think he is right? I mean honestly, I feel like he is looking at this a lot more objectively than I am... I just can't tell if he is looking for something better... or if he is working out his own issues. He has told me that "You know we're going to be together... so just chill out, have fun, and let things happen".

 

He is not going to tell you, that he is looking for or awaiting anything better, is he? Not when he's wanting to still keep you in the picture....and he's keeping you in the picture for a reason.

 

The guy obviously likes you, has feelings for you, hence why he's still around and keeps on coming back. We do generally keep on going back, to the ones who really mean something to us. But at same time he is obviously unsure, as to whether it is you he truly wants to be with, who he can see himself with in the future. He may not be looking for anybody else.....but at anytime, some other female could enter his life who he also may become interested in.

 

He will likely want you.....when you no longer want him. As it worked out in my situation.

 

The guy in my situation as I said, kept on coming back to me, but he wouldn't committ. In the time I spent awaiting around for him and living in hopes, he met someone else and within months he married her.

 

Fast forward a few years later.....he contacts me totally out of the blue. Tells me how he has always thought about me over the years, he still cared a lot for me, etc, etc....and he wanted to meet up.

 

By then it was way too late for us.

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At one point he told me that he needed space, support and friendship so that we could become the couple we both wanted to be... and that he does want to be with me just not right now because he doesn't want the same relationship we used to have... I'm so frustrated!! What do you think I should do? Should I say something to him?

 

 

I think you said enough (you said you poured your heart out right?) & he responded. There is nothing else left to say. You either take this half commitment he is giving you & have fun with it & just hope it works out or you move on to someone that wants what you want. But from my experience I can tell you waiting around ....didnt work! In the long run the relationship didnt survive.

 

You cannot convince him or anyone to be more commited, more sure or whatever.

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My Ex did this little dance number with me when we split up. She and I moved on to other people. My relationship lasted a couple of months and she found out I was not involved and contacted me. Then, the dance started. She'd say she was interested in having dinner or something benign like that and then call me to cancel because she had reunited with the guy she was with. (Actually, he would commit himself to a hospital, saying he wanted to kill himself or had drunk too much or taken some pills etc) and she had to be with him.

 

Each time this went on I felt like I was dying just a little bit. I did not realize that while I had feelings for her, and some sense of obligation to her since we had once been married and legally still were, my needs had changed and I didn't have to get in the dance with her. It was a great moment when I told her that I was done. She could try her game all she wanted, I didn't want to play.

 

A year later she called me. She had had the guys kid, married him for a couple of months, broken up with him and started a new life on her own. We met for coffee and settled things on a nice level. I never dated her or anything after that.

 

You have the power to take your own direction in life. Look deep in your heart and see if you want to commit to this person, if this is a person who will give you what you need, and go from there.

 

Best Wishes.

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IMO most people that are labeled 'commitmentphobe' or as having "commitment issues" in fact only have those issues with the person in question. Many times once they find someone they have more interest in and chemistry with they readily commit. It happens time and time again where the person breaks up and the dumpee thinks it is commitmentphobia, however ,once they find the 'right' person they commit right away.

 

I know it is hard to believe we were not the "one" and i think that is why so many people label an ex as commitmentphobic, but hurtful or not this label doesn't do anything to help either party and in most cases is not even accurate.

 

So most of the time the person who broke up - even if they come back and forth toying with their ex (because most people have a hard time leaving the familiar, even if they are no longer in love) is not commitmentphobic, they just are not ready to or want to commit to the person they broke up with.

 

Why do I say this? To better help you and others like you understand that if you start seeing them again you likely still won't get a commitment and it is likely best to find someone out there who has NO problems commiting to you - once you are fully healed of course.

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Totally agree...

 

I don't think there is such a thing as a 'committmentphobe' either...

 

When they don't want to commit....it's simply because they don't want to committ to 'You'.

 

These self same people have no problem seemingly, in committing to someone else and within months of meeting them.

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Totally agree...

 

I don't think there is such a thing as a 'committmentphobe' either...

 

When they don't want to commit....it's simply because they don't want to committ to 'You'.

 

These self same people have no problem seemingly, in committing to someone else and within months of meeting them.

 

Yup I agree too that's why I said I dont understand how people in 4yr relationships all the sudden have commitment issues? Cmon gimme a break.

 

If I wasn't 100% about someone I was dating - I would be a committmentphobe too!

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Reading more of what you say, i'm not sure you're even in an exclusive relationship with him. Are you sure you know what these talks mean? It sounds like he really wants a friends with benefit scenario more than a girlfriend, in which case you are moving backwards from what you used to have, and perhaps you need to break it off and tell him that when he wants a girlfriend again, call you, and you may or may not be interested.

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I think it's a case of, they keep the 'familiar' around....while either actively looking for 'greener grass'...or wondering if/or hoping, there is something better out there for them.

 

As soon as they find, what in their mind they percieve as 'better'....they are gone.

 

They try to return to the 'familiar' , only if they discover it didn't turn out to be better.....but they still won't committ to 'you', because it isn't 'you' they really want. They are forever looking/or hoping for something better.

 

I'd prefer to be with someone, whom had no doubts that I was the 'one' for him....

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I think it's a case of, they keep the 'familiar' around....while either actively looking for 'greener grass'...or wondering if/or hoping, there is something better out there for them.

 

As soon as they find, what in their mind they percieve as 'better'....they are gone.

 

They try to return to the 'familiar' , only if they discover it didn't turn out to be better.....but they still won't committ to 'you', because it isn't 'you' they really want. They are forever looking/or hoping for something better.

 

I'd prefer to be with someone, whom had no doubts that I was the 'one' for him....

 

I agree. This guy is stringing you along, feeding you just enough to keep you there but covering his butt by adding lots and lots of disclaimers so that when he ends up running off with someone else, he could always trot out the disclaimers and say he was always up front with you. He is looking out for himself and his own interests and is not looking out for you at all...he is tapping into your weak spots to keep you hanging on. I would run far away from this guy. Claiming uncertainty with someone you have known for a long time in a relationship, is the equivalent of the answer being "your are not the one".

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Can people "string you along" all the while not realizng they are really doing that and acting all upset and confused and "caring", still wanting to be friends and *maybe* get back together (he says he cannot give me astright answer as to a definite NO)? This is what i have been going through with my ex but as some of you know he wtarted seeing a really young girl of like 15 or 16 like 11 days ago (he's 22 and less mature than I thoguth... I believe he has also entered the realm of temporary insanity).

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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