Is there still any hope? Please..Need some advice

[Moksha]

I met my ex/boyfriend 4 months ago and a month ago he broke up with me. A few weeks before we broke up, I made the mistake of getting a little drunk and telling him I thought I was falling in love with him. After that night I felt him gradually distance himself and then the night came two weeks later when he said that he didn't want a girlfriend, but wants me. He told me he just needs some space and that he didn't want to just be friends. His ex-girlfriend cheated on him with many many guys and she has since become a very seedy and dirty girl. He sees her on a daily bases because she hangs out(has sex) with his friends. He has told me that he is scared to move ahead with me because he doesnt want me to hurt him like she did and that seeing her is a constant reminder of what he thinks I can become. I am the opposite of his ex and would never cheat or be intimate with anyone I wasnt in a relationship with. I think he knows this on some level but is still scared. He also told me that he broke up with me because right now he can't give 100% to me because of his fears, and he felt it was unfair to me. Anyways, A few weeks ago he came over and we hung out and had a really really nice time together..I played it cool and didnt say anything about us until he did. He pretty much said and still says that he just needs time and that he wants to move forward with me, but he's just scared because he doesnt know if he can trust me. He said to just give him a few months and he'll be "ready". He has also said that he doesnt know what he wants, which has cast some serious doubt in my mind..mainly because I dont know what he means by that because he also says he wants to be with me. I have seen him 3 times since the breakup and we cuddle the whole time, and the last 2 times we kissed, which he initiated. He was also calling me a few times a day..until Valentines day. I expected to see him because after all, it is Valentines day, but he called and when I aksed him if I was going to see him he said he didnt know, and that he had plans to go out with a few of his friends. This got me very upset and I screwed up by asking him what was going on between us etc etc...you know, pushing and being emotionally needy. Since then, he stopped calling and only called once a few nights ago. I'm sorry to ramble on, but I needed to explain what is going on...what I am wondering is what I should do now? I really want things to work out between us. I figure that if I back off emotionally and give him his space that maybe with time will come trust. One of our visits a few weeks ago was amazing...he seemed genuinely thrilled to be spending that time with me and opened up about a lot of things..it was hard to get him to go home. I just dont know what to do, or if I'm wasting my time waiting for him. I told him I'm not going to be with anyone else in order to prove to him I wont hurt him..and want to be his friend so that foundation is laid out for if/when he is ready..the only thing is, now that I was emotionally pushy on valentines day he's not calling again and all I want is to get back to where we were the week before..building friendship and trust. I know all about the no contact rule, and am trying hard to apply it by not calling him. I guess I'm just wondering what it sounds like to all of you..whether it sounds like I'm wasting my time. I honestly don't know if I am or not..Up until Valentines day with him calling constantly, I really felt that even though we were taking things extremely slooooow, that he really did want to be with me, but now, I just dont know. Thanks for reading my little book here..I'm looking forward to any advice.

[yjfvswc]

I really don't know what to say, but I really have read your little book.

please forgive me, Iwish you everything goes best!!

[mbl1991]

It sounds like you're talking to the same man as I am !!!!!!! lol He's a waste of your time. He's playing games, and the reason he isn't ready is because he's isn't sure about you or the other 3 girls he's seeing. Don't ever believe that move forward crap, I've been hearing that for 8 months, and I started dating this guy 12 years ago, don't end up like me. Run away fast.

[Medan]

Well first of all good luck to you. It sounds like he might be a little reluctant to to commit right now from what you have said. How long had it been since he stopped seeing his ex?

 

Its very common to want things to work out. I would not put your life on hold though. Keep yourself busy and do the things that you enjoy doing.

 

Since you have already made it clear to him that you want to be with him, it will not help you at all to keep telling him this. He is not going to forget over night. As others have said, you will be more desirable if you stay busy and active than just waiting at home for him to come to his senses.

 

Sorry I can not offer you any better advice than that right now.

 

I know how you feel, and wish you the best!

[kuhl282000]

Hey Girl

 

 

I understand your confusion, and love is never an exact science. From a guys point of view, things have changed now. And you need a new game plan. this guy will end up walking all over you, and you will be nothing but a late night booty call. The trust issue is his, so to use that as an excuse is not acceptable. You did not do anything to violate his trust. As far as not calling you, well that is just a game guys play.My concerne is on Valentines Day he made up some lame excuse and ended up not being with you. That would send up some Big Red Flags with me if I were you. What your doing is saying hey I'll wait for you, and in the mean time you can have your cake and eat it to. You will be the one with cake on your face, because he has and will take advantage of the situation. If and when the next time you speak to this guy. Be firm, ask him where it is going. And if you don't like his answer tell him your going your way and let him go his. Remember we sometimes want what we can't have. Don't put all your eggs in one basket with this guy. And whatever you do don't let him know your just waiting for him to come around. If he loves you he will want to be with you. If that were the case, where was he on V-Day? I don't think I would be trusting the guy that has the issue with trust.

 

good luck

Kuhl

[Moksha]

I have an update...He called yesterday and I asked him to come over with the intent of talking to him about things, and telling him I need to back away right now. We watched a movie together and in a moment of weakness I let him stay the night with me. I had my talk with him..I told him that right now just as he tells me, I cant be in a relationship right now, becuase I need to focus on getting my life together..and that he needs to do the same. He agreed, and said that his hands are tied for now, but that he wants to be with me when he changes his situation(new job,getting a new apartment) and gets his life more sorted out. Being he spent the night, I asked him what he wants to do in the meantime, and he said what we are doing now..whatever that is. I do want to get back with him very much, but as I've read on this board about the no contact rule, it is also meant to heal oneself and become stronger. I honestly dont want to back away, but I am playing that card with hopes that by letting it go for now, it will come back when the timing is better. I want to work on myself and get back to pursuing my dreams, and talk to him and see him ONLY when he calls..I have decided to no longer call him, because I find when I dont, I stay in control and dont get so confused. It will also keep him on his toes I hope. I am going to hold back my feelings for him unless he brings it up. Ohh...one thing I didn't mention in my first post is that he is not seeing anyone else..he doesnt sleep around at all. He's only ever had sex with girls he was in relationships with..so he isn't playing me to be with other girls on the side. In fact, part of the problem he tells me in those moments he opens up is that his roommates are so promiscuous bringing strippers home etc and that his living situation along with how many of his friends treat the opposite sex has really made his issues with trust worse. He is getting his own place in a few months, and he has said that he thinks that by then he'll be ready in his own situation and by being away from that environment. I have read so many posts on this board and it amazes me how many people have problems similar to my own. I just hope that in my case that by backing myself away emotionally and not contacting him will make a difference. Even though we are broken up, when we see each other it feels like we are 'together' on some level..I wish I could explain it better, and I wish it didn't confuse me like it does.