r3ni Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I have been dating this girl for about 9 months, things moved really fast in the beginning until about 3 months into it she told me she had been seeing this other person but realized she loved me and that things weren't going anywhere with him. I thought it over and we never really explicitly said we were exclusive so I didn't really feel in a position to judge and I had my own complications, so I forgave her and we moved on and things were great. She was still friends with him, but not very good friends as far as I knew - they worked together. A few months later there was some distance and strangeness in her that I noticed and picked at until of course she confessed she had been cheating on me with him. I was completely devastated and cut off all contact with her, until roughly a week later when we had a long conversation in which she said she would work on her issues and wanted me back. So I gave her a chance to prove that she could be trusted again, I loved her and felt as if I owed it to her. Over the course of the past several months she has done a lot to earn back my trust and work on herself, she went to therapy and all that, she began to open up to me in a way she never had, she let me see inside her and she proved that she trusted me. Awhile back she told me she felt like she trusted herself again and knew she would never betray me again. Soon after she said she wanted to be friends with him again, and from there they apparently text each other all the time. Over time I realized that I trusted her again, and I even forgave her. I really never thought I would, but she earned it. Meanwhile the constant texting with him, but never while I was around of course. About three weeks ago she told me that he tried to get her back and she was tempted but realized that she wanted to be with me and she couldn't do that, they kissed and I guess had some heartfelt moment of connection. We had a big talk afterwards where she told me she had an epiphany and things were really finally done with him, she loves him but she loves me and knows what we have is the greatest relationship of her life and blah blah blah. A few days ago she tells me that she is torn though because she loves him but she also loves me and wants to have a relationship with me and doesn't know what to do because she can't let go of him. She thinks about him all the time, it almost sounds like she is obsessed with him and it is making her feel like * * * * and obviously * * * * ing up our relationship. But at the same time she says she knows that its the idea of him she is fixated on, that a relationship with him wouldn't compare to what she has with me and that losing me would be the worst thing that could happen. So they text all the time, she says she thinks about him all the time. Apparently the epiphany didn't stick. Without presenting an ultimatum I have made it clear to her that maintaining a relationship with him is a threat to our relationship, so she can either cut him out of her life, cut me out of her life, or maintain the status quo and we can continue down this * * * * ed up path. I've tried to be fair and reasonable, I've trusted her to make her own choices. But now we've wound up at this point where neither of us can really go on like this. I know a lot of this comes from her fear of commitment and of growing up, I know some of it comes from her tendency towards self-destructive behavior, and I think she has a taste for drama. There are many other reasons, but ultimately I don't think they are important. I've trusted her, forgiven her, even felt sympathy for her. Now here we are. She is miserable and hates herself, I am miserable and getting really worn out from the constant emotional turmoil. I keep thinking this * * * * is finally over and we keep winding up back here. It's seriously messing with my sanity, I'm chain smoking and drinking often. I dwell on this * * * * and brood, it's wearing me down. Anyways, after having this discussion I asked her if she wanted to spend some time apart so she could have space. She jumped on the idea, it's been almost 24 hours now. I've asked various other people about this, the response is generally that she is * * * * ed up and there is nothing I can do but run away and find someone worthy of me. But I love her, madly and uncontrollably. I've stood by her through so much, but it seems like there is no end to this in sight. So where should I go from here? I don't think I will hear from her for another week, and I don't really know what she will say when I do hear from her. Am I blinded by my love for her? I know that if I leave her she will be hurt and will hate herself because she knows it is her fault. I would do anything for her, should I stay by her through this even though I know it will continue to hurt and poison our relationship? I'm finally at a loss with her, I just don't understand why the * * * * she can't let go of him. I know it will hurt and I know a big part of her doesn't want to, but sometimes you have to hurt yourself to love someone else. She loves me, so why can't she do that? Have I gone wrong here? I didn't give her an explicit ultimatum, I just made sure she knew the consequences of the choices she could make. Maybe I should give her an ultimatum? Maybe if when she talks to me she says she still wants to be friends with him I should tell her she made the wrong choice and end it right there? I've felt like I've navigated this thing fairly well, I've always erred on the side of love, but now I just don't know... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovethatgirl Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I can speak from painful, incredibly painful experience - this will end in heartbreak. My ex kept stringing me along for months, and like an idiot I believed her - don't make the same mistake I did. Break it off before you have it broken off from the other end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna. Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 She's not emotionally mature enough (clearly) to be monogomous, so you let her go, before you she tramples all over your heart. I can almost promise you, this is not going to work out in your favor. Think about it. If she does cut him out then there's still this idea of this awesome guy in her mind that she is always thinking about, not the day-to-day guy (you) that she has regular problems with (like all normal couples do). He'll be what she can't have and that'll be what she thinks she wants, then. But she already sees you are just gonna hang on and let her toy with you, why wouldn't she cheat? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hardXcore Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 It sounds like you really & truly care about this girl but you need to think about yourself first. This is your heart she is toying with. Don't allow her to mess with you anymore than she already has. Put your foot down, this needs to end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceGray Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 OP, if she loves you she wouldn't be playing you along with this other guy. If you enjoy taking emotional beatings from her then stay with her. This is harsh but chances are things won't end well if you stay with a girl of low morals and weak integrity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhearts Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Uhh take a hint, if she truly cared for you and loved you she wouldn't be with another guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denise_14 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 i completely understand what you're going through... perhaps most people might disagree but it is possible to love two persons at the same time (but with varying degrees). i'm speaking from experience. it's the stickiest, most awful situation for a girl. She’s having a really hard time I bet. giving her time and space to think is the best thing you can do. sooner or later, she will choose one, trust me. My advice for you is that while you give her time to think, give yourself some time off too. Don’t go chasing after her. Don’t do stuff that’d make her choose you. Just be on your own and let her be too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3ni Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 She's not emotionally mature enough (clearly) to be monogomous, so you let her go, before you she tramples all over your heart. I can almost promise you, this is not going to work out in your favor. Think about it. If she does cut him out then there's still this idea of this awesome guy in her mind that she is always thinking about, not the day-to-day guy (you) that she has regular problems with (like all normal couples do). He'll be what she can't have and that'll be what she thinks she wants, then. But she already sees you are just gonna hang on and let her toy with you, why wouldn't she cheat? I love her though, and she is trying to work through this. It feels wrong to abandon her, to me love means accepting someone as they are and helping them get through tough times. I agree that she is emotionally immature, but she is trying to change. I also agree that the risk of her cutting him out of her life is that he can further be this fantasy person and she will always wonder what could of been. There is nothing I can do about that though, if she stays friends with him she will still have that and will be holding our relationship back. If he is gone then we at least have a chance. That's how I see it anyways. i completely understand what you're going through... perhaps most people might disagree but it is possible to love two persons at the same time (but with varying degrees). i'm speaking from experience. it's the stickiest, most awful situation for a girl. She’s having a really hard time I bet. giving her time and space to think is the best thing you can do. sooner or later, she will choose one, trust me. My advice for you is that while you give her time to think, give yourself some time off too. Don’t go chasing after her. Don’t do stuff that’d make her choose you. Just be on your own and let her be too. It's really hard, besides the week after I found out she was cheating on me we have talked several times a day, every day for about 9 months. I miss her horribly, whenever my phone rings I think it's her, whenever someone texts me I think it's her. I check my email constantly. It's really pathetic, but I feel this huge absense without her. I hate feeling like I'm co-dependent, but I am miserable without her. I totally get that she is having a hard time, and I'm totally sympathetic to that, I get the pain she is going through. I've been through something kind of similar once when I was a teenager. But at the same time, this hurts me too. She gets that, but it only makes her feel worse. I guess there is really nothing I can do but wait and hope she comes to what I think is the right decision. I'm still very undecided on how to react if she says she wants to stay friends with him. I don't want to lose her, but staying friends with him is losing her in effect because I don't see how we can survive with him in her life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3ni Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Well I just heard from her very briefly. She told me she almost definitely has HPV. I know she didn't get it from me, and she says she was tested before starting her relationship with me. She says the guy she cheated on me with also said he was tested. At least one of them is obviously lying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Helping someone through their tough times doesn't mean sticking around with them when they have been cheating on you since day 1. This woman is trouble and your comment about loving her "madly and uncontrollably" speaks volumes about your own co-dependence and saviour issues. This woman is wallowing in the mud and you are happily going along for the ride...you hope you can pull her out of the mud but all that's happening is that you are sinking right down with her. In this case, your patience is not a virtue, it is a liability and very self-destructive. I would strongly suggest that you get yourself tested for STDs and stay away from her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3ni Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Helping someone through their tough times doesn't mean sticking around with them when they have been cheating on you since day 1. This woman is trouble and your comment about loving her "madly and uncontrollably" speaks volumes about your own co-dependence and saviour issues. This woman is wallowing in the mud and you are happily going along for the ride...you hope you can pull her out of the mud but all that's happening is that you are sinking right down with her. In this case, your patience is not a virtue, it is a liability and very self-destructive. I would strongly suggest that you get yourself tested for STDs and stay away from her. I don't think I'm co-dependent necessarily, and I don't think I have savior issues. I've never had a girlfriend with as many issues as her and I'm just trying to help her through them however I can. She isn't wallowing in the mud, she is miserable and full of guilt and self-hatred over what she has done and how she has treated me. She wants to get better. I really believe that she is the love of my life, I'm willing to suffer through her problems until they are resolved. And I know that I can't fix her, she has to do that herself. Before her I was in an 8 year relationship that was great but ultimately faded into nothing due to my ex valuing her career more than her relationship with me. We were never co-dependent, and I never had to save her from anything, she was the most well put together and emotionally mature person I've ever met (and no, I don't want to ever get back with her). Maybe my patience isn't a virtue, but it has always been guided by love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dumbblonde88 Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 If you want to love her, then love her. Take her for her and with that take the knowledge she is in love with two people (yes very possible). If you cant handle being with someone that is in love with you AND someone else, then you just cant handle it and you need to leave. Those of us that end up being in love with more than one person at a time often do so because we need it. We need to love and be loved by more than just one person because it gives us value and worth. Meaning the world to one person isn't enough. In my case it stems from my absentee-daddy issues. It's really hard to explain to you in a way that doesn't seem selfish. It is what it is. She hates hurting you but the love and attention from the other person makes her a more valuable person. Unfortunately, she's the kind of woman that is intoxicating and addictive. Years from now if you are not with her you will still tingle and long for her. I think with all of her emotional problems, with all the pain she caused you, with all the frustration and despair, she is the one that will hold a certain degree of power over your heart. The love between you two is powerful, but is it enough for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3ni Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 I can handle that she loves someone else, but what I can't handle is that it is damaging to both her and our relationship. I don't think the other guy is very into her anymore anyways, I'm sure he still would * * * * her if she gave him the chance, but she has hurt him badly. It's my understanding that he intends to move far away within the next few months. At this point it's really not about what kind of relationship she has with him because I know that she knows a relationship with him won't live up to what she has with me. She's said that the two times she tried to have a relationship with him he wasn't as awesome as when they were just friends. That's part of what is messing with her head, she isn't with him and suddenly he is really cool, they are together and whatever it is is gone. So she keeps feeling tempted back as long as they are friends, but she knows it's the wrong decision because she loves me and he isn't the same when they are a together. The real problem isn't her feelings for him (although they do trouble me deeply, they aren't an existential threat to our relationship) but that she continues to try and be friends with him, she is clinging to whatever she can get from him and trying to make it work. It's not working. She keeps saying that she can see that clearly but she can't let go. Maybe now that he has given her an STD she will have a change of heart. I kind of doubt it though. I have no doubt that if this doesn't work out I will spend the rest of my life missing her. I've loved four different girls now, and what I feel for her and the connection we have (when she isn't distracted by all this * * * * ed up drama) is something amazing and transcendent. I've never loved someone as deeply as I love her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salicia Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Alright, if she said that she loves you in the first place, why is she with another guy and also saying that she loves him? That just doesn't make sense to me. She is just taking you for a ride. I along with your OP, I also read that you learned that she has HPV. From the information that I read, get tested to be on the safe side, pack your bags and move on. You may love her and have all of the patience in the world for her but would you risk your life to staying with her? Would you want to be miserable through her cheating? Do you want to be at risk to getting HPV? I certainly hope not. The best thing that you can do is get away from her and her troubles altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubi Doo Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 It's likely you are going to get hurt very bad in this situation, and I mean really bad. Though, there is a chance she changes, but the fact you weren't enough for her to begin with should have you walking away from this relationship with no regrets. You have to protect yourself, man. It's not selfish; she's already been selfish, she's already shown she wants pleasure even if it hurts you, and she wants your love but doesn't want all the commitment that comes with it. You have to be careful. It seems like you love her and are going to take her back, which is not the brightest move; now she knows she can get away with it and still have you crawling back. You're looking weak to her and girls hate that, but they also feast on that. She knows she has you ringed around he finger, she knows she has you controlled, and, worst of all, she knows you're too afraid to leave her. I know how you feel; I've been there before. Your mind and heart are debating and 90% of the time your heart wins, but your heart works on zero logic--only emotion. It only thrives on what you hope will happen, but not what is likely to happen. Love makes people dumb. Not just you, but everyone. Everyone is dumb when they are in love. Think about it. If someone came to you telling you this; that their SO cheated on them with a person whom they may love more. Would you tell them to stick through it? To fight on? No! We know it's a battle not worth fighting. You're going to say...well she might change, but the chances are very slim, and then tell him it's a dumb idea to go back! This is because this situation doesn't involve your heart; just a logical decision from your mind. I was in your position a few months ago, but I wasn't exactly cheated on. I just knew she was falling for another guy and continued along for an emotional disaster. My heart was beaten, battered, and bruised. My mind was stressed, confused, and thinking non stop about the situation. Now, I am in the same position as the members of ENA who told me to get out of there cause it will only hurt me more. I didn't listen. Love made me dumb. I was in pain for a weeks, I was crying at night, and all because I listened to my heart. Take everyones advice. I know it hurts now, but you have to look towards the future...something our hearts never do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3ni Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 It's likely you are going to get hurt very bad in this situation, and I mean really bad. I've already been hurt really bad, I don't know if it could ever get worse than that. We talked briefly this morning. I drunkenly sent her a text messaging saying I missed her at 5am or sometime. She called me as soon she woke up. We only talked very briefly about our issues, it didn't go badly but it didn't go great either. I was in a pretty dark mood and the things she was saying didn't help. The only real thing I took away from it is that it's really bothering her feeling like I always need her to prove herself to me. Which I can understand, that would bother me too. Although I'd say it's pretty obvious why I've felt like she needs to prove herself, she cheated on me with a guy, is friends with him, and says that she loves him. Yeah, she says she loves me and wants to have a relationship with me, but there would be something wrong with me if I wasn't threatened by all that. So on the negative side, when discussing plans for next weekend I said "if we're still together then" and she didn't say anything in response to that line, so maybe she doesn't think we will be? On the positive side, she made reservations at a restaurant for us to celebrate Valentine's day, so she must expect that we will be together still? Maybe she doesn't even know yet? About an hour after the conversation I sent her a text message apologizing for how the conversation earlier went and explaining that I was in a dark place when we talked. No response. Although when we talked earlier she did mention seeing me tonight, but that was before the conversation went poorly and when I mentioned it at the end of the conversation she said she wasn't sure. I just wish she would reach some kind of conclusion about this already, she said she had figured some stuff out but didn't say what. I don't think it is good though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 It sickens me to hear of the way some people treat other people. She may say she loves you but how can she when she cheats on you? I have been on the recieving end of a cheater and know exactly what it feels like, this post has made me feel physically sick. Not only has she cheated on you she expects you to stick around and help her with the predicament she has gotten herself into. I do believe people can change but it takes a lot of effort and time. If she can cheat on you once she can do it again and again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubi Doo Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 It can hurt a lot more and for a lot longer if you stick around. Don't allow her to flip this on you. She should HAVE to prove herself to even get a chance to talk to you again. How did she prove she loved you before? By cheating on you with another guy behind your back? She better prove she loves you. If she doesn't think she has to prove anything to you, then it's obvious she doesn't know how much her actions hurt you or the relationship, and that's a terrible thing not to realize. I'm sorry, man, but this really hits home for me. It's identical to my previous situation...except my ex didn't cheat physically, but emotionally...as I stated before. I just don't want anyone to go through what I went through for a month, and I am quite positive if you try to stick it out you will. Do not feel bad for her. Be strong. Don't apologize for being in a foul mood; she cheated on you...you should be pissed at her. She should be doing everything she can to get you back; not complaining about you putting too much pressure on her about proving herself. You have to be strong. I can't stress it enough. You can't be a push over or she will continue stomping on your feelings. Don't talk to her for a few days/weeks. You need to put your foot down and make a statement. A statement screaming "This is not acceptable, and I will not allow you to walk all over my feelings". You have to let her know how big of an issue it is for your relationship. Please be strong. You're only going to get played for a fool if you start taking the blame for her problems and mistakes. Just be strong, and if you want to get back together make it on your terms. If she proves herself to you then take her back and slowly build up your trust again. Only after she proves herself can you two function as a competent couple again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loulee Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I hate feeling like I'm co-dependent, but I am miserable without her. Yes you are and she darn well knows it. She has ALL the cards on her table and you have the joker..Look I have no doubt that she loves you and she is being brutally honest to the point where I believe she should never have told you all this stuff but worked it out on her own and saved you this twisted heartache.. While EVER she feels over confidant as she currently does that you will be waiting lovingly and patiently in the wings this "dilemma" that she is in may go on for months IF YOU LET IT. She has said that she knows for sure your the best thing and realtionship for her!! SO why then is she mucking about with the other guy..Tell her to grow up..you need to be assertive for a change .TAke control of this situation. If you remove the very thing that she claims to be the best thing for her and that is YOU. Then she should come running back on bended knee pronto.....Force her hand there is no other way if you wish to maintain your self respect...good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3ni Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 I have been really considering that, but I don't want to force her into anything. She has to make her own choices. She knows that continuing her friendship with him is a threat to our relationship due to her feelings for him. I can't make her stop. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want her to spend the rest of our relationship resenting me for forcing her to make that choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loulee Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Either way you need to step out of this for a bit and force this decision upon her. It is not the type of situation that YOU really deserve for yourself..By being there all the time..being her ear to voice her concerns and loving her like you do surely this whole scenario is creating a very uneasy feeling within you...and must cause doubts about the strength of your relationship. the decision can still be hers to make alone..Its the "alone " bit she needs to make a decision....All you are doing is making sure she has option B available at the moment even thought she claims your the only option..You can move this along and i SUGGEST YOU DO or it will slowly take its toll on you emotionally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3ni Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 Either way you need to step out of this for a bit and force this decision upon her. It is not the type of situation that YOU really deserve for yourself..By being there all the time..being her ear to voice her concerns and loving her like you do surely this whole scenario is creating a very uneasy feeling within you...and must cause doubts about the strength of your relationship. the decision can still be hers to make alone..Its the "alone " bit she needs to make a decision....All you are doing is making sure she has option B available at the moment even thought she claims your the only option..You can move this along and i SUGGEST YOU DO or it will slowly take its toll on you emotionally. It is taking it's toll on me. I've been thinking all of our relationship over and trying to analyze it logically, which has been a lot more productive then trying to figure out what conclusions she is coming to while we are apart. I've had a lot of doubts obviously, but at the same time she did earn my trust back after cheating on me with this guy - she has gotten better, even if she isn't all the way there yet. I don't see what I can do to move things along for her. I can accept that she isn't over him yet, and I believe that she wants to be over him. Beyond that everything is in her hands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loulee Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 yes you do know, you just arent really listening, I think you fear losing her by giving her some time alone to figure things out. And you fear losing her even more to another man..It is highly likely that this wont happen.. It IS more likely to happen while ever your being so patient and understanding. its not really such a huge thing for her to work out. This other guy is making her feelings for you complicated and confused. IF he isnt in the picture at all... then where are the complications? Does she like this drama because she is certainly not doing much to amend it..I feel you wont do anything, and will weather all this at a most likely high emotional cost to yourself...relationships between two people are just that...he has no place in your lives if she is certain you are the one...so WHY is he still there??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3ni Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 So we just talked and she is done with the "time apart" thing. She says she wants to have a serious talk in person. There were some things she was comfortable talking about on the phone so we covered them, they all basically come down to her feeling like she was kind of crowded and pressured, like sometimes we would talk because she felt obligated and not that we actually had anything to really talk about. I think this is a legitimate point, I've felt kind of the same way and I know that I've only made it worse in my paranoia about what she has going on with this other guy. Besides that it's pretty clear that she does not intend to break up with me, but it's also not clear that she intends to end what she has with the guy she cheated on me. The impression I got is that our talk would be about how she wants things to be less serious between us (obviously). So anyways, I'm not sure yet how I feel about all of this. Part of me is incredibly relieved, part of me is still terrified, part of me is still suspicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3ni Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 We finally had the big talk after the whole time apart thing, overall it went well. Most of it wasn't a big surprise. Although I guess I was an idiot for believing she would decide to stop being friends with him. I know that if I forced her to she would, but I also know that she would resent me and the odds are very good that it would * * * * things up between us in the long term. Basically, I need to accept that what she has with him has to go away on its own. She didn't say this, but I know it is probably true. So her problems are: 1) She feels really guilty still about what she has done, and about how she still has feelings for the guy because I'm such a nice wonderful person who treats her so well and doesn't deserve it. Her guilt makes her feel very pressured to be someone that she doesn't like. 1a) I am such a nice wonderful great person that she feels unworthy and like she hasn't been able to live up to me. Basically, I make her feel like a bad person because I am such a good person. This feeds into the pressure she feels and only adds to the misery that comes from it. 2) She thought about breaking up with me, but couldn't think of any reason to. Our relationship is effectively perfect on my side of it. All she would do is hurt both of us. 3) Our relationship is so great and she can't see any way it could end because of me, this scares the * * * * out of her. She knows that if it ends it will be her fault, and she doesn't want to end it. Put it together and I'm the guy she is spending the rest of her life with. This scares her even further. 4) Part of her really wants to be single and unattached, according to her not to date other people but instead to have space where she feels unrestricted and can figure herself out without feeling obligated to another person. She thought about suggesting some kind of "best friends with benefits" thing with me because she knows she could never have as great sex with anyone else and then she could keep me around until she figured her * * * * out. Except she knows that I would never go for this and if I did it wouldn't work (which is correct, we're either a couple or we're not). So I: 1) Reiterated why her continued friendship with him bothers me, which she agrees is reasonable. I'm still of course suspicious and will keep my eyes wide open considering her history, but I'm going to have to come to terms with it. At least for awhile until he moves away or it ends. From what she was telling me he has kind of * * * * ed up on his original plans to move away so it is going to be awhile longer. She didn't sound happy about this, but obviously I can't really know. 2) Reiterated that as long as she didn't cheat on me and was honest about where things were at she had nothing to feel guilty about. 3) Pointed out that she is looking for and finding problems where none apparently exist, that if she isn't happy with herself she can change it. This made her cry. 4) Explained that while our relationship apparently had no end in sight it didn't mean that we were already married or would even get married anytime soon. It doesn't mean we have to get our lives all tangled up in each other now. It doesn't mean we have to talk or see each other every day if we don't feel like it. There is a direction to our future together but it doesn't mean we're there or that we will even get there. I've made this same point to her several times now over the course of our relationship but for some reason it doesn't sink in, I think largely because she is so scared of growing up and she knows where we are heading so it feels like we are already there. I did explain it a little differently this time so maybe that will help. Afterwards I * * * * ed her brains out and then we had a nice peaceful night. We did talk a little more later about The Other guy, she said she isn't sexually attracted to him anymore. I don't know whether that is actually true of course, but I'd like to think that it is. The only thing that stood out to me as not quite right about everything is that she wiped her text messages on her phone. I asked her about this and she said it was because of the time she showed them to me in a bar and I was clearly very unhappy about things and, according to her, misunderstood what I saw and interpreted it in the worst possible way. While I find this to be a compelling argument I can't help but feel like the lack of transparency there is something to be concerned about. I know they don't talk on the phone, but they text very often and with no way of knowing what is being said there is no way for me to do anything but worry about it. Something else that happened: The next morning we swung by a store for some coffee and with perfect timing he walked out as we walked in. The look on his face when he saw us holding hands was clearly one of surprise and pain. Thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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