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coming between a marriage


Slagger

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Call me crazy, but I don't think people come on here looking for people to say things like "shame on your for doing that to his/her husband/wife!" or "how can you come between a marriage??" I posted in this topic not too long ago, and I got some responses like that. For everyone who had, or is having an affair, don't you agree that one can't possibly know what it's like until they've been in one? You can't help who you love, you just can't. I don't want to come off as being mean but, stop bashing....start helping!!!!

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I don't think it is necessary to have actually done something that is viewed as socially reprehensible to justify being condemnatory of such an action any more than it would be to for someone who has never committed a crime to view a criminal with disfavour.

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Call me crazy, but I don't think people come on here looking for people to say things like "shame on your for doing that to his/her husband/wife!" or "how can you come between a marriage??" I posted in this topic not too long ago, and I got some responses like that. For everyone who had, or is having an affair, don't you agree that one can't possibly know what it's like until they've been in one? You can't help who you love, you just can't. I don't want to come off as being mean but, stop bashing....start helping!!!!

 

I agree. Grant it, I've never been on here posting in that situation, but people don't come here to feel worse about themselves. We are human beings. We screw up. And most of the people who come here for help in that department already know they screwed up, they don't need it pointed out.

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It seems to me that people will bash you because you cannot remove yourself from having any liability just be saying "you cant help who you love" because the truth is that people CAN help who they choose to love.

 

I would say that it would depend on when you found out that the other person has a spouse, and that will determine when or if people will give you more leeway with respect to the liability issue.

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you can help who you love and you can help doing anything with someone who is spoken for. i think cheating is disrespect. whether you are the cheater or the other person, it seems like you are knowingly disrespecting someone. i don't condemn cheaters in these forums, i do ask that people take responsibility for their actions, be honest with themselves about it, and then be honest about how they are disrespecting others, as well.

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I do agree that a forum designed to help people with their problems could probably do with a little less judgment when it comes to infidelity threads. It is possible to give advice without condemnation.

 

However, I disagree with the idea of not being able to help whom we fall in love with. We may have an attraction to someone who isn't available, but our actions following the recognition of that attraction are all within our own control. Perhaps what incites people so much about infidelity is the inherent disregard for anyone else.

 

I've never been on either side of a real infidelity beyond teenage drama, but I still feel like I can give solid advice regarding what someone involved should do. Get out of it!

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Call me crazy, but I don't think people come on here looking for people to say things like "shame on your for doing that to his/her husband/wife!" or "how can you come between a marriage??" I posted in this topic not too long ago, and I got some responses like that. For everyone who had, or is having an affair, don't you agree that one can't possibly know what it's like until they've been in one? You can't help who you love, you just can't. I don't want to come off as being mean but, stop bashing....start helping!!!!

 

Ive never killed anyone, robbed a bank, or anything like that... but if I had, I wouldnt be sitting here trying to justify it either.

 

Maybe you cant help who you love, (I disagree) but maybe.... but you sure as hell can help who you decide to sleep with, be in a relationship with etc.

 

Are you telling me that you simply CANNOT help yourself when it comes to sleeping with another mans wife? Or that you simply CANNOT help yourself when it comes to cheating on your own husband etc.? Thats a bunch of crap. Ill tell you who cant help themselves. My son, hes two months old. He has no motor functions, he lays there and his little arms and legs churn while he makes funny noises. He cant help himself, cant feed himself etc. But you know what, when hes 23 years old if he tells me he slept with his best friends wife and he couldnt help himself.... god help him, hes gonna need it.

 

What a rediculous bunch of nonsense... Im sorry Im not trying to sound mean either, but the stuff that people do and then try and justify it, or rationalize it and then take offense when people tell them they did wrong. If you dont want to hear the posts about 'thats wrong dont do it' then dont ask. Because about half of the people on heres best advice is to simply NOT do whats wrong in the first place. If you ask me, thats the best advice to follow. If you are looking for someone to rationalize or justify bad behavior.... then you ARE looking for the wrong advice.

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my soon-to-be exhusband had at least three affairs and probably more that i don't know about.

 

of the two i know about, two of the other women did not know he was married. one did.

all three of these women made contact with me on their own -- through phone calls, phone messages and face-to-face meetings.

 

i don't blame any of them for my husband's affairs -- even the one who knew he was married. none of these women stood up in front of 200 of our family, friends, and God and promised to be faithful to me. my husband did. he is the one who should take the blame.

 

i believe he owed it to me to tell me how unhappy he was so we could try to work it out first before he turned to other women, but that' just me.

 

i believe that in the long run, infidelity hurts more people than it makes happy.

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Call me crazy, but I don't think people come on here looking for people to say things like "shame on your for doing that to his/her husband/wife!" or "how can you come between a marriage??" I posted in this topic not too long ago, and I got some responses like that. For everyone who had, or is having an affair, don't you agree that one can't possibly know what it's like until they've been in one? You can't help who you love, you just can't. I don't want to come off as being mean but, stop bashing....start helping!!!!

 

Usually men NEVER leave their wife for an affair. Never. You're just a secret that will be dumped soon. Hunny you're getting played and if you don't care that what you are doing is wrong because you're selfish desire to get what you want...then you deserve the outcome you're about to get.

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So many people here have been victims of infidelity. Bashing is going to come with the territory, but here is something I learned in 12 step : take what you like, leave the rest. You can still get advice that is of value here. It's just not going to be advice that is going to help you continue the relationship or help you sweeten it up or help you to get your partner in 'crime' to leave their spouse/partner. You will more than likely be advised that you will be happier without that person.

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Such a topic is definetly going to stir up some emotions, and so I would say the bashing is normal. Try not to take it too personal. It seems as if you are trying to justify this behaviour and maybe that is why you have been recieving such responses.. You need to see that there is absolutely no excuse for what you have done. I understand that you may feel you can't help who you love, but learn to love & respect yourself first.

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Such a topic is definetly going to stir up some emotions, and so I would say the bashing is normal. Try not to take it too personal. It seems as if you are trying to justify this behaviour and maybe that is why you have been recieving such responses.. You need to see that there is absolutely no excuse for what you have done. I understand that you may feel you can't help who you love, but learn to love & respect yourself first.

 

very well said! Like I said he's just playing you just like he's playing his wife. It's hard but you have to learn that nothing good can come out of this.

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Do what you want, it's your life. And you only got one. Once you die, or over time, everyone dies, who will be there to care what happened anyways, right?

 

If you think in that line, then your heart is very selfish, because it doesn't consider the amount of hurt you can cause to the innocent party. (Then again, who cares if you are selfish anyways.)

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Rationally speaking, if you truly thought there was nothing wrong with an affair you were having, why would you feel the desire to go on a message board to justify it ?

 

No disrespect intended, but if you honestly thought what you were doing was fine, why would you care what anyone thinks ?

 

Socially, Cheating is frowned upon. This is common knowledge.

People aren't going to pat you on the back for choosing to do something that hurts others.

 

I think more often than not the harsher sounding advice isn't meant to bash, but to present a "wake up" call so to speak. If a person is confused or needs help, soothing and babying them as if they aren't an adult capable of making their own decisions isn't usually going to do much good, but make the person feel justified or feel they have no control of a situation that they in fact do.

Tough love is sometimes the only way to get through to people. Of course, there are ways of maintaining tact when dispensing said advice.

 

However, if you decide to make a choice that you know is socially unacceptable, you can't expect people to always have a positive view of that choice.

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Rationally speaking, if you truly thought there was nothing wrong with an affair you were having, why would you feel the desire to go on a message board to justify it ?

 

I never said there was nothing wrong with it. And I came on this board, not for sympathy and certainly not for justification, but for some help with moving on (and i have). Anyway, this post has nothing to do with me....was just pointing out that it wouldn't hurt to be a little more helpful sometimes.

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I never said there was nothing wrong with it. And I came on this board, not for sympathy and certainly not for justification, but for some help with moving on (and i have). Anyway, this post has nothing to do with me....was just pointing out that it wouldn't hurt to be a little more helpful sometimes.

 

I think the thing is, Slagger, that in this situation the person involved in cheating has the power to help themselves and change their situation. They just need the courage to do so. So, in pointing out the negatives of the situation, it empowers the person to take the steps that they need to.

I agree perhaps sometimes these could be stated more tactfully.

 

I was saying "You" as in the general "You".

IMHO, if a person asks for help, they are going to hear things that might help

(which in this particular case are going to sound more negative)

That is because in 95% of cases the situation is NOT a good one for them to be in.

If a person wants to hear just the positives of the situation, then they probably don't want out and are just looking for justification to continue what they are already doing. That is why I was saying, if you don't really want help or support to get out, why ask for it ?

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Call me crazy, but I don't think people come on here looking for people to say things like "shame on your for doing that to his/her husband/wife!" or "how can you come between a marriage??" I posted in this topic not too long ago, and I got some responses like that. For everyone who had, or is having an affair, don't you agree that one can't possibly know what it's like until they've been in one? You can't help who you love, you just can't. I don't want to come off as being mean but, stop bashing....start helping!!!!

 

Maybe you cant help who you love but you CAN help who you sleep with...It all seems great until you find yourself on the painful end of the affair..To have another person and the person who supposedly loves you rip your life and family apart is a pretty painful thing to endure...we all reap what we sow...At that point, you or whoever the people involved in the affair are, will have the empathy and wisdom to walk away from a situation like this out of respect for another human being

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My husband has had two affairs with two different women. It is very painful. I lost a child many years ago and the pain of infidelity is similar. While I hold my husband responsible for breaking his vows the other people could have chose to walk away rather than interfere in our marriage. Just because a marriage has problems does not mean someone should try to take advantage of that. I love my husband despite the pain he has caused me. I am on anti-depressants as this has triggered a major episode of depression. In the end, these women wound up hurt themselves. They were lonely and tried to make themselves happy at my expense.

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  • 2 months later...
Call me crazy, but I don't think people come on here looking for people to say things like "shame on your for doing that to his/her husband/wife!" or "how can you come between a marriage??" I posted in this topic not too long ago, and I got some responses like that. For everyone who had, or is having an affair, don't you agree that one can't possibly know what it's like until they've been in one? You can't help who you love, you just can't. I don't want to come off as being mean but, stop bashing....start helping!!!!

People without values, standards and expectations are ruled, as you are, by their 'feelings'. You will know neither love nor devotion so long as you operate this way. You will drift from one person to another, sometimes creating wrecks of entire families because 'you can't help it'.

 

When this comes back on you, remember to tell the person that visits it on you that its okay because they couldn't help it. Anything is okay if I feel like it, right?

 

Raoul

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Call me crazy, but I don't think people come on here looking for people to say things like "shame on your for doing that to his/her husband/wife!" or "how can you come between a marriage??" I posted in this topic not too long ago, and I got some responses like that. For everyone who had, or is having an affair, don't you agree that one can't possibly know what it's like until they've been in one? You can't help who you love, you just can't. I don't want to come off as being mean but, stop bashing....start helping!!!!

 

Well I've been in that situation where i liked a guy but all feelings stopped when I found out he was married. Morals over feelings. You can't help who you love but you gotta be reasonable also.

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