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I just cant see her be with someone else


mr me

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I know that it happened but i really cant see myself accepting it. I finally saw that ive been struggling with the fact that i didnt want to get over her. I just found someone that i thought was so perfect for me. I thought i wouldnt have to deal with being hurt by her because she just seemed like a good all around girl. I know she was abused and had alot of issues. i also know that with me she was a totally different person then she was around other people. I also know that she didnt like not feeling strong to the point of not being in a situation where you could get hurt because you really cared about the person. I know that either she might get over me or not be able to. I just dont know how i can deal with this. I have had this exact thing blocked out from my mind because this very thought on top of everything else that happened to me while i was with her made my memory black out. I really dont see myself being able to be with anyone else. I dont know im really just venting and am so angry. I think im having a panic attack idk. It just seems so unfair to have someone that great come into your life especially when you have had to deal with the life ive had to deal with and then be able to see that it wasnt going to work out. I knew she has issues when i was with her but i thought she would care enough to work things out. Im really trying to see a brighter life if i ever get to make this better. Its just i dont see anything helping me deal with this. I just hope that somehow im able to make it thru all of this.

 

Ive done everything i could to try to make things better. I dont talk to her, ive tried therapy, ive tried meds, ive tried writing on this site, i dont really know what i havent tried. Its just i want more than anything for her to say that she feels the same for me that she used to. I dont know how to deal with all of this. I really havent been able to. I know i just couldnt cope with this. Im still am trying to but i dont even know if i could now because so many things are bad in my life still. She just made me feel like things could actually be good in my life. I know you are supposed to try to be happy for yourself and depending on someone else isnt a good way to get your happiness. Its just almost all people that seem to be able to be happy for themselves must have people around them that also help with that. I dont and have always been really alone with basically no one i felt close to. I find one person that i am and she ends up making my life hell. Im really am trying but there is only so much you can deal with sometimes. I really just see that there isnt anything i can do besides just get my mind off of this. I just feel like ive tried my whole life to be a good person and i wish that my life would be even close to as good as i have been. I guess this is just another time when i thought things were finally gonna change in my life for the better and it turns out making it alot worse. Ive tried so many times to make my life better and every time it just ends up like this. I guess im just not supposed to be happy or something now. I didnt really have anyone to help me or learn from and im just supposed to take it all in stride. Im supposed to tell myself that i could learn from everything that ive been thru and hopefully this time it could be different but im just really tired of dealing with this. I really just thought that i felt like God cared about me and that he was trying to help me but idk how you deal with stuff like this always happening to you.

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I really cant even hold this is. I really just feel like killing myself but i really dont want to. Im just so just exhausted with trying to deal with my life. All ive ever really been able to do is be indifferent to everything that has ever gone wrong in my life. I dont want to hold it in and dont even think i could. Its just with no one to talk to all ive been able to do is try my best to not care and hope that it gets better. I know that after awhile it does but then the same exact thing happens all over again. I know i try to make things too perfect and they never are going to be. Its just im so tired of things always not working out. Anything that i see turning out to be a good thing for me ends up not being that way. I then end up just having to try to deal with the fact that its just too good to be true. I really just wish i wasnt always the only one i know that has to deal with stuff like this. I used to share alot of stuff in common with my ex and we would always be there for each other. Im now just stuck going thru the same thing as before with things being so much worse now that she is gone. Its just somehow at the same time im supposed to see that she made things worse in my life. I just have so much to be angry and upset about and i really wish somehow i could get it out. I never would of seen myself be someone like this so its even hard for me to be ok with me dealing with it this way. I really just wish that somehow i could be perfect so i wouldnt have to deal with people abandoning me so much or treating me the way they do. I just know that isnt really going to help me. I think thats been one of my biggest problems but i just end up trying to do things to make my life better or try to get good things to happen to me but it always ends up not working out. I just want to live someone elses life but i know all i can do is deal with my own. I just dont know how to deal with things going wrong in your life and then you end up doing things that dont really even help you. It just is something you do as a defense mechanism to try to deal with it. I just really wish things would of been perfect like the way i thought they were going to be with my ex. I know it cant even be perfect but it just felt like everything was falling into place. I cant describe what im feeling eventho i keep writing exactly what im feeling. Thats basically just how crazy all of this makes me.

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You felt you wanted to make your life better through another person, the person lets you down and because you gave yourself up you then felt worse, it's true you need others to support you because few people are able to survive alone but when you give so much power to another person this is going to happen, strange as it may sound, IT'S NOT YOU, this would happen to any person who lets another dictate their feelings, each and every one would end up feeling hopeless and miserable.

 

No other person can live for you and you cannot live for another person, I'll give you a little dumb-ish example. You have a car, you let another person drive it and of course at one point or another that person is going to do something with it that is not right, maybe not on purpose but the other person can't fully know what is right each and every time because it's not that person's car, and one day the person has an accident because, not being okay herself, she decided to drive when she was drunk and what does that leave you with?, what could you do if you weren't even driving?, you are just left seeing it ruined and wishing it hadn't happen.

You have get behind the wheel now, you shouldn't wait for a better driver or for her to repair the damage, it's you who can drive better than anyone (because you know what you want, you have always lived with yourself) so it's you who has to be in charge by letting her go.

 

Being indifferent to bad things that have happened is not as good as overcoming them, forgive people even if you don't feel it, try to be at peace with your past by doing anything you can to get something productive out of each thing that you feel has damaged you, it could be anything, a song, a poem, a painting, maybe a new plant you will take care of, the point is to avoid your past from damaging your present and your future.

 

Everything is going to get better, hang in there.

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I still dont feel better but i was able to come to terms with what has been going on with me. Ive basically had to deal with not being able to deal with how much i loved her. It still makes me feel weird even saying. I loved her more than anything in this world and that was including myself. I never felt like i did when i was with her by myself. I might be a family man, a romantic or just an introvert that just likes the comfort of a relationship. I also have really bad abandonment issues so ive always looked forward to having someone in my life that hopefully i could start a family with and be there for my kids. Ive tried everything that everyone has said but probably till now i havent really been able to. I dont think you can explain when your in so much pain that your mind blocks out everything that has happened to you. I still struggle with the thoughts of anything that happened to me while i was with her. I cant even begin to describe all the stuff i went thru and i had no idea what would end up happening. I basically havent been able to do anything besides do whatever i could do to survive because everything was tearing me apart.

 

Ive had moments where it was hard to even have clear thoughts because ive had so much messed up stuff happen to me. It really was like me trying to hold my sanity together. Alot of the time i didnt even think i would make it. Im not some super great person when it comes to dealing with things happening. Im probably pretty bad because its just not how i am. Im naturally an over-reacter, sensitive person, no support system or not a good one, i tend to hold things in because i dont know how to explain them, and ive had to deal with everything in my life not working out. Ive basically been stuck in my room trying to get away from my world because it was making every second of my life miserable. Ive basically had to do that for most of if not all of my life. I dont think you could ever accuse me of not doing things to make things in my life better so they dont need to be this way. I also dont know how i could really deal with letting time do what its supposed to do if this is how im supposed to spend my time. I dont think that my life is always like this because of something i did or didnt do. I just feel like for whatever reason im meant to deal with a really hard and pretty miserable life. I just try to keep hope alive that it can get better or somehow i can get better at dealing with it so that im not stuck feeling like this all the time.

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I dont know what to say anymore. I know the way im acting is in a way pushing people away but at the same time thats really how i feel. I am not in a good place right now in my life and its basically like nothing in my life right now i feel good about. Ive had to deal with so much pain in my life and so many people just not really accepting me for who i am. Ive never been able to do anything that ive wanted to do with someone ive wanted to do it with. My first ex was someone that i could do anything with and have a good time. Its just then we started to have alot of problems and it kept on just escalating. I tried everything that i could to try to help us thru it but i was basically trying to make everything work on my own. I know thats just so messed up and the type of stuff i had to do to make things work is even more messed up. I had to basically know her better then she knew herself and had to know how she thought. I basically did everything for the relationship to work. Its just now im stuck here having to go from all of that to somehow trying to make a life for myself. Its not something that ive really been able to do. I still have so much pain from this experience. I just have so much built of anger and rage as well. I just dont feel like anyone can deal with all of this on your own. Its just now somehow when im doing as bad as i am, Im also supposed to somehow make things in my life better so i dont keep wanting her back. I just feel like ive almost always had to be a completely different person to deal with my life because its been so bad. It was either trying to be this super great person before that basically had no flaws to now being this super miserable and depressed person that i am now. Its just like everything causes me to hide from my reality because i just cant seem to deal with things happening because it just all is bothering me so much. I know you have to take things one at a time but i really dont know with me everything just seems to be happening all together. I dont see what im doing to make anything in my life like this and for the most part i guess thats just gonna be the way it stays until somehow i can deal with it.

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It's true, you have dealt with too much and for what seems to be quite some time and in many ways I have been in the same place than you and I have also found myself unable to make enough sense out of it to make changes, and I believe I may have said this to you a while back but sometimes you just have to set something in motion and wait for the results because there are many things that are beyond your control.

 

Three things though:

 

I loved her more than anything in this world and that was including myself.

I had to basically know her better then she knew herself and had to know how she thought.

I am not in a good place right now in my life and its basically like nothing in my life right now i feel good about.

 

I'm sure you can see how things progressed (even if you didn't type them in that order and it's not the same ex).

Perhaps what you haven't tried is loving yourself like you did your ex's, at this point it might be worth a try. Everything you gave them, all the time you used to make things work, the hope, emotions, and love you were willing to give has to be directed towards you.

 

Have you considered writing an auto-biography?, not necessarily to share but to yourself, I believe it could be a good option that would not only help you get everything out but also give you insight and perspective to find new ways to deal with your past.

 

If anything I just want you to know that you are not alone, life can become a struggle at times but everything has a solution.

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I know that i wrote what i wrote but im just not really sure if its how i feel. I guess i can be a really good person when i just dont think about everything that i have gone thru in my life. Ive tried to be that person my whole life but i just dont know if thats who i really am anymore. I dont know what exactly am i doing but i somehow just want to show people that they cant help me. I dont even know why. I guess thats just how i see myself like a lost cause. I also feel like i could end up hurting people that have helped me just like my ex did to me because i tried everything i could to help her. I just dont want to be that person that she was to me. Its just in alot of ways i already am and i just dont want to deal with it. Its always something that ive struggled with when things happen to me that i really do try to find a way so they wont happen. Its just so many things going on that its really hard to see things for what they are.

 

I just dont really know what it is but i just dont feel like i can help myself. I dont know if i dont feel good enough or i just am so angry for what ive had to go thru. I know some people struggle with their demons their whole life. I also know im co-dependent and its still something i struggle with everyday especially how i still seem to be that way with my abusive ex. It just seems like as soon as i try to deal with one of my problems something else happens that im stuck dealing with. Its just like i never get a break from having to deal with my problems because they seem to be gettin in the way of everything in my life. I really am starting to see that i just dont feel good about myself unless im with her. I dont know how that started but its just really crazy to me. i still ask myself like how could she have left me if things just seemed to be so good. I always felt like the bad you could work out but things being that good must of meant something. I really used to love myself for my good qualities but i really dont know how to deal with my bad qualities. I used to think before when i was actually able to still try to hold myself together thru all of this that maybe im supposed to learn to love myself even with my bad qualities. Its just so many things have happened since then. All i really wanted was to be happy with her and thats just not how things worked out. I try to tell myself things differently but its been a real challenge to try to change the way i think. I know i have days like this when i just feel so crazy and i know i need to just get thru those days. Its just me having a really hard time trying to cope with my life. Afterwards i usually feel alot different. Im not that different because im still struggling with it but enough to be able to handle whatever i was having trouble with. I really just have so much anger and pain that i sometimes feel like i could throw it all away but i try to get myself thru that. I really dont even know how i do it but i just find ways to do it.

 

I feel like the worst thing thru all of this is how im co-dependent to her. Its like i need to her to function normally. Its also crazy because i have such bad abandonment issues that i really dont know how to leave someone even if they were as messed up to me as she was. Im not even sure how to love myself like that because if i did im sure i would of tried to. I guess im stuck trying to learn how to because its not how i was brought up. Im also not sure if i could write an auto biography. I have alot of trouble remembering my past. I dont really have any good memories really besides me being able to go into my own world and spending time by myself. I guess maybe i just forgot how to feel good or be happy. I dont think i was ever really happy or good maybe it was just in my head because i wouldnt really deal with my problems. Its just i never felt as bad as i do now to where i have a hard time remembering anything good happening to me. I think the only thing i can remember if i try to is when i first realized that i was good at writing when i got older. Its also kinda hard because i actually felt close to my mom because that seemed like something i got from her but my relationship with my mom is so messed up right now. I know nothing is perfect but you need to deal with the imperfections in life if your ever going to be happy. I think thats a quote or something but im not that good with that especially when i have so much that makes me unhappy. I know i might not sound like the most accepting of help because of how im acting right now but im at least trying to do things differently now. I really thought that i could do things the way i wanted to do them and things would end up gettin better but now after seeing how bad things have gotten i know thats not always true. I also thought if maybe i just did things the way other people told me to do them then i thought i would do better as well. I just need to learn to find out whats best for me even if its something that someone else tells me to do. I just hope that things can find a way to get better even if it will only get better when im able to make them better.

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Sounds like the abandonment issues is what's giving you most problems, you can start writing about that even if it's not all nice or happy, just do it like an essay by covering different ages or angles. I think it could really help, or you could do something different to deal with that subject in particular, but if you do begin just don't give up even if it doesn't look perfect or if it doesn't seem to help, carry on until you are sure it's finished.

 

It's understandable you can feel like you don't want to get helped, you feel like you have done everything there has ever been and somehow you find yourself in the same place, I don't know if maybe you also worry that anything could make everything even worse and prefer to avoid losing more control, but the right time and the right thoughts will appear one day and you can at least know what other options are out there.

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