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10 years later, we were together again, and now???


again

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I have been reading threads on here for a while, and finally decided to post. I hope someone can give me some guidance before I drive myself completely crazy. My story follows...

 

When I was 19 years old I fell in love with the boy who lived in the apartment next door. We had such an incredible, passionate relationship, but he was terrified of love. I know now that he is bipolar and was having both manic and depressive episodes at the time. I myself was quite a mess as well, and it was probably for the best for both of us that we ended when we did. We kept in contact for a few years, through other relationships, calling and emailing every few months. He even drove accross the state and showed up on my doorstep on my 23 birthday totally unexpected. But by that time we were both going in different directions. So....

 

10 years later, about a year ago, I was thinking about him and couldn't sleep. It had been 10 years since we met, and 7 years since I spoke to him or saw his face. I sent him a message on myspace, basically telling him that I still felt that we had some sort of crazy connection and wanted to know if he ever thought about me. He responded saying that no one had ever made him feel the same since, that he was watching a movie we used to watch together and wishing I was there beside him. He included his number and told me to call if I wanted, that he would answer.

 

We started talking again, for hours at a time, and it was obvious that we were still very attracted to each other. Just hearing his voice would make me get crazy butterflies. We decided to see each other to see if the chemistry was still there in person. I went to his town (he lives on an island, very good for rendezvous) and it was incredible, the sex was amazing, the type of sex that everybody is always wishing for and rarely has. But he still didn't like to use the L word. He had too much to drink one night and let it all come out, he felt that he would never be good enough for me, that he could never support me in the way he thought I deserved, that I was too beautiful for him, etc. so on and so forth. I told him that I thought it was my decision to make.

 

He was still doing a lot of soul searching, trying to find his place in life, and he decided to move accross the country. I drove with him and we were on the road together for 7 days. It was like a dream. Long days of driving with the windows down and his hand on my knee, and nights in cheesy motels. He told me he loved me several times while we were being intimate, but would deny it afterwards. The day I had to fly back home we both cried, and he bought me a stuffed animal to keep me company on the plane.

 

Since that trip, I don't know what is happening. We talk once a week or so, but he always seems so distant. I have sent him long poems that I wrote about him, but he doesn't write me back. He says he has started letters over and over again, but none of them are good enough to send. He says he needs to get his head on straight before he can decide how he feels about me, I say it has been a year since we have been back in touch and if he was going to love me, he would know it by now. He still tells me he's not good enough for me, but I'm the one who always feels insecure because I feel like I'm alone in love. He is not very reliable and says he is going to call and then doesn't , or says he is sending me a letter for my birthday and, 6 months later, still no letter. Two days ago we were chatting online and he thanked me for making his life deeper. He said he had to get back to work but would call me in an hour. Two days passed with no call, no text, no email. It's just common courtesy to let someone know if you are too busy to call, right??

 

So I emailed him, basically letting him know that I would always love him, but I needed him to figure out what he wants, that I can't continue to be in a relationship that is 90/10 instead of 50/50. That I had shown him how I felt every way I knew how, and I needed something from him in return. Re-reading the email, it seems very mean in tone, but I don't think I should send anything else. So, oh wise ones, what is going on? Is he really just afraid or does he just keep me hanging on for some unknown reason? And should I cut off contact completely until he knows what he wants? It is sooooo hard every single day, but I think he feels like he has me completely and can do whatever he wants without worrying about the consequences.

 

Whoa... that was really long. Sorry about that. But any help would be appreciated. Right now I have a rubber band around my wrist that I'm snapping every time I think of him, if I don't stop myself I will start calling and crying and writing letters and poems and ruin any chance we ever had. Help, please.

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It sounds to me like he is "The Great Pretender". He speaks words of love when he wants sex and then afterwards he blows you off. The stuffed animal was so that you could have mushy feelings towards him so that when he needs a booty call you will be there. It is not that this guy is confused...it is that this guy has EXACTLY what he wants...a no strings attached relationship on his terms only. I would kick this guy to the curb..he is messing you about.

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I could definitely believe that crazyaboutdogs, except I am usually the one who pursues sex with him. Of course that could be part of his whole game, but he has said no to sex before because "he likes me more than that now." huh??? Also, I am a pretty crappy booty call since I am on the other side of the country. Argh.... who the hell knows. If I could only get my mind around it just being sex I would be ok, I think. But I don't know if that will happen, I have cared too much for too long. But maybe it says something about me that what makes me the saddest is thinking that I will never be intimate with him again.

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What do you want?

my heart

laid bare

not likely

I still don't trust

you not to

pierce it with your

dagger heel

and watch me bleed out

with that smile

just for me

What more can I do?

red carpet

rolled out

your chamber

ready and waiting

are you afraid

that I will bring you

to a dungeon instead?

 

Sex

yes

why can't you leave it at that?

making love

* * * * ing

luck

the best by far

you have ruined me

for all others

but it's not enough for you

succubus

Do you think of taxes?

when my ankles

crossed

rest against the small of your back

you must

because how else could you not see

that the clock has stopped

and the walls are made of stars

as cupid and darwin converse in the corner

arguing

who can claim this victory as their own?

 

I lie to myself

yes, of course

in those hours

moments

seconds

I know love

like never before

but it's afterwards

princess

that is the problem

loud

obnoxious

opinionated

entitled

spoiled

champagne and Christian Dior

what a joke

I can't give you that

and I don't want to feel

forever guilty

because of the pea,

princess

Do you still hear their voices?

those conforming non-conformists

so superior

so quick to judge

they never tried to know me

never asked one question

just joined forces

to protect you

from yourself

lest you decide

to go your own way

against the wishes of the group.

a decade ago

they swayed you

and we missed out

Are they silent now?

if not

please

tell them to shut the * * * * up

for me

you're so much better than that

than them

you always were

 

There you go again

foul-mouthed

and bringing up the past

did you ever consider

that it was me

who didn't want

what you were selling?

still don't

not with those strings

and your hand

is bruising my wrist

let go

I traded in

passion

for security

and learned the hard way

that both

are an illusion

I have risked more

than you wanted me to

I'm sure

to pursue you

and those forever ago

feelings

I grip too hard

cling

I know

Why can't you take my hand?

loosely

fingers intertwined

so that it can move, bend

and not break

 

Get over yourself

it's not a movie

and I am not your leading man

you want

me to treasure

all your leters, poems, photos

in a box

tied with a velvet ribbon

scent of you

I am not him.

I love you

yes

but not that way

why would you want me to?

you aren't going to leave him

are you

but you want me

trapped

bound by love to someone I can't have

always missing

what was

what could be

maybe I don't know if I'm in love with you

because I won't

let myself entertain the possibility

or maybe I do know

but won't tell

because to do so

might cause you pain

or give you a power

I'm not yet ready to hand over

Why can't you wait?

just let it be

I am so afraid

that I will come

to the end of my days

still waiting.

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I had a LDR a lot like this. I agree with Crazyaboutdogs, I think he's stringing you along. It's so easy to get caught up in all the romantic stuff and not see who this person really is. I think you were right in saying if he was going to love you he would know by now.

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I agree you gave it your all - he knows how you feel about him & now its his turn. If he wants something more he will let you know. Believe me!

 

As for right now, I think you need to move on. He isn't ready or willing for whatever reason. If you choose to wait and find out, it might be a very long miserable time for you. Best bet is moving on with your life.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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