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Knowing all the reasons why can't I let go


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I am taking this opportunity to ask for some advice. I was involved in a 3.5 month relationship with a woman 15 years younger than me. She is 22 I am 37. I had known her for about a year before through friends and work and we both felt the chemistry and connection. I knew the risks of becoming romantically involved with her given the age gap but I couldn't help but fall madly in love with her. It sounds absolutly insane after such a short period of time I know. I took all my holidays over December and her break from University to spend time with her. The very best time and memories of my life. She broke up with me 12 days ago. She said that the age difference never mattered before but it did now. She said that she could never introduce me to her parents, they would never understand or accept me with her even if they knew how amazing I was or how well I treated her. It absolutley gutted me to see her cry. I never wanted to make her feel any anxiety about our relationship. I told her I loved her and would do anything for her. She said that I touched her in a deep and meaningful way but that she didn't feel the same anymore and that she couldn't deal with the relationship and school right now. She kept telling me that it was not my fault and I did nothing wrong. I asked her if there was any chance of us being together in the future and she said she didn't know. I have been in N.C since she told me good bye that night. I know how horrible she felt to hurt me and I don't want to stress her out anymore. I have not slept or ate properly in this time my work is suffering and I constantly think of her. I am trying despratly to accept the loss and move on. I know all the reasons why I should:

 

-The age difference is an issue for her now.

-Allthough she cares for me she is not in love with me.

-That I truly love her and I should let her go so that she can enjoy life and evolve in to an evenmore beautiful and amazing woman than she allready is.

 

How do I diminish all hope that we will be together again?

My self esteem is at an all time low and I don't want to feel small and inferior around her when she returns to my place of work in the Spring. How can I do this if I'm not over her? Out of love and respect for her I will not break N.C but I miss her so much. How can I stop wishing that she will contact me? I apoligize for the long post, I am a complete basket case right now.

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i can sense your maturity with the way you're handling the break up. you're on the right track. acceptance is really the key. keep your spirits up, and keep yourself busy. if you were really meant to be together, you'll be back in each other's arms. if things don't work out, then let go. think win-win. maybe this is the best for the both of you. you may also want to check out superdave's posts here on ENA. they're totally inspiring...they might just help. good luck and hang in there. ^_^

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I can relate, somewhat to what you're going through. I was with a guy 17 yrs younger than me for a yr and a half.

 

The age/maturity difference ultimately killed us, though not for the same reasons you and you gf had problems. We met each other's families; no one had a problem with it.

 

The problem was the different maturity levels, experience levels, and totally different ways of looking at boundary issues.

 

We were also at 2 different stages in life. He's 24-he is still trying to find himself and still doesn't know what he wants. I'm settled and stable. He likes to party--I can handle some partying, but he can be self-destructive, and I can't have that in my life.

 

It's sad because we both tried very hard, and we had amazing chemistry. We had a very deep connection.

 

Even though there were a lot of things he did that showed lack of respect, I still miss him. I am still torn apart by the break-up.

 

Your head can be telling you, this is for the best, while your heart is in agony. It's really unfair.

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I guess ill just start off by saying that i dont really know how you can really deal with things if your this hurt. Im basically am saying that everything your feeling i dont see there being anything wrong with it. I know you probably just want it all to go away and probably are almost blaming yourself in some ways. You keep saying that you should do this and that for her. I think thats because it hurts you so much to see you feel this way for someone and it not work out. I dont know when but really try to see why you should do this for yourself or why you shouldnt be thinking about how its like for her so much. I just see that there really is no easy way out of feeling so much pain. Im still hurting alot more than i would like to admit but all you can do is find whatever you can to help you keep moving forward. I just hope you can find something to hold on too thru this time even if it has to deal with her. I basically had a really hard time trying to deal with the things that made me happy were things that happened while i was with her. So while i was in so much pain because of it not working out and the way she was really messed up to me, the only thing i had to hold on to was the good times i had with her. It really messed me up to still see her as such a good person eventho she was really messed up to me at the same time. I know that words arent always the best thing at a time like this but i just hope i was able to share something to help you get thru this.

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Thank you all for your thoughts and insperation to my problem. It really means alot to me as I don't have too many people to talk to and right now I feel that is what I need. I had to leave work today because I just broke down thinking about her. The pain and the breakdowns are more frequent but I will work through it. Thank you again for your help.

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I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly right now. It is hard but...

 

You both sound like two very classy people. It seems she bowed-out with grace and you have stepped back with your honor and dignity intact. Kudos to you both.

 

at your age I'm sure you can look back in your life and see other times when you felt so bad that you didn't think it would pass but yet somehow it did. try to use that perspective and apply it to this challenge.

 

Right now I will suggest a few very simple things:

 

You MUST eat well. If you can't eat meals snack. A nibble here and there will add up and feed your body and maintain your health. This is VERY important.Also important- drink lots of water.

 

Get adequate sleep. I know it is hard when your mind is racing. If you can't sleep at least rest. That means eyes closed, deep breathing, focus on relieving the tension in your body.

 

Work. You MUST perform properly at work. It is hard to focus right now and you will have to pull your thoughts back to work many times throughout the day. Do it.

 

Without food, rest, and work you will not be able to regain the clarity and strength you need. You must reat yourself with great care now. I know this sounds trite and simplistic but in any time of crisis these things are an absolute "must".

 

Please spend time reading and posting here on ENA but not just on the "Healing after a breakup" section- there are many great sections where we can enrich ourselves and find healing.

 

********************

 

In reading your post it is clear that you know intellectually what you must do. It is the emotional side of you (us!) that often keeps us from moving forward. It will take time but your mind and heart will come into syncronicity. Unfortunately it won't come in your time- it will come in its own time. So...

 

Don't complicate it any more than it is- keep it simple. Trust that the answes will come, you will become able to let go, and you will feel better. Don't let the big picture get blurred by all the small details. You are NC and thats good. Don't just do it out of love for her- do it for you too. Allow yourself to be "selfish" and make it all about YOU right now.

 

Hang in there, embrace the challenge, and greet this painful period as an opportunity.

 

You'll be fine. It is just going be really NOT fine for a while. You're on track- just keep on keepin' on.

 

 

Peace,

 

JD123

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Thank you for taking the time to try and help me out J.D 123. I have been trying to work at it and take your advice through a very difficult weekend. I am trying to keep busy but find that even in the gym, the grocery store or going to a movie I have had melt downs. Sleep is still lacking but I have rested and have been eating a little. In the downtime at home I sit and just wish she would call me. Even when I know it is best for me that she doesn't. I know it seems like I am caring more about what is best for her and not for me right now. I believe this is because she is the most beatiful, kind and genuine woman I have ever met. And I am truly greatful for how well she treated me and how good she made me feel inside. The N.C is hard because I just really want to here her voice and her laugh. I know that whenever I see her in the future I will melt inside. But through this N.C period I hope I can build some self esteem and a bit of the confidence I had to become the guy she was attracted to in the first place. Not to win her back, but just so I can feel good and so that she can smile and feel comfortable around me again. Thank you all again for your time and support.

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