We are crazy about each other, but are things like long distance getting in the way?

[thatguythere]

Hello all!

 

Well, here is my story, I know it's a bit long, but PLEASE help me out!

 

I am currently a freshman in college. I began dating this girl, "Jane," at the end of my sophomore year in high school, May of 2006. However, since then, we have both gone to college - she went to a university near our hometown, I went to one several hours away - and we both have gone through a ton of stress over school, mainly because we were new to college AND new to having a long-distance relationship; we simply could not cope with the stress of all of it at once. Near the end of our first semester, we decided that we needed to break up so that we could figure out how to deal with everything on our own before we thought about having a relationship.

 

It has been two months since we've broken up and I miss her more and more with every day. Coincidentally, her roommate went through the same thing with her now ex-boyfriend last year and now she despises him because of how they approached their situation; their situation was a bit more complex, but the basics were the same. I have told Jane that we cannot let the same thing happen to us, and I honestly don't think it should because we are both great people and we care about each other a ton, we have just had some issues to work out.

 

She said to me that she felt like I "needed her to feel good about myself" which I eventually found to be very true. I was putting too much into our relationship, holding it above any and everything, which I know now is a little too much; she felt pressured and that was not good. Since then I think I have changed my ways and now find joy in other things besides only her (last semester I stressed about school too much and wasn't terribly social). We have been broken up for a while and I have just been feeling terrible because I am so eager to be with her again and make things extremely great because, even though I am pretty happy with myself/my situation right now, I know that she would bring SO much more joy to my life in most every way.

 

We have had a few conversations about our relationship over the last month, all of which have concluded with us (her) deciding that we are just not ready to date yet. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she wanted us to be able to handle school a bit better, so she would feel completely sure about us because she said that we have the potential for something very long-term (marriage maybe?), but we need to just nip this in the bud now and fix it so we won't have to fuss anymore; also, she told me that if we kept having conversations where all I do is try to get us together again and she just isn't ready yet, things will end up disastrous, so I told her that I would not bring it up anymore and that we would talk about it only when she brought it up.

 

Now on to my current issue: I am going home for Valentine's Day and we are going to have dinner, and will most likely hang out for the entire weekend. I am worried that if she does not bring it up, I will feel crushed because I will have put some sort of expectations on the weekend, which would in the end ruin it for me in some way. I am afraid that I will cave and end up bringing it up and pushing her even farther away.

 

ANY advice would be so greatly appreciated...thank you very much!

[GeogSooner09]

It was great to read this, because I went through just about the same thing, more or less. My girlfriend back in high school (who I'd been with since junior year) and I decided to go to colleges far from home. She ended up going to a college about 15 hours away from me. I went out-of-state for college, so the contact we had was by phone for the most part. We decided to break up after the first semester.

 

I know what I say is not that encouraging already, but it seems to me like you and yours are already a different circumstance. The thing about distance is that it will highlight the best and the worst parts of your relationship. For us, it showed us that we were not meant for each other. I guess we both were not brave enough to brake up earlier. But distance showed us why we would not be compatible.

 

Trust me. If she's the one, she's the one. The distance will only make your decisions smarter. And also trust me that whatever happens, it will be the best situation for both her and you. You both are already mature enough and independent enough to go to college. Your years in college will help to define you even more.

 

That was almost four years ago. I am single and dating now, and she is engaged. She is with the right person. She and I are both happier now than when we were together. In fact, we are still good friends.

I hope that gives you a little encouragement. Commendments on your courage to post your questions. The best of luck to both of you!