Jump to content

Why I am here - my breakup story


GummyBear
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS
Why Men Come Back - ALWAYS

Recommended Posts

Hey, I'm new to this board. My name is Di & I found it searching about break up help on google and I'm glad that I did!

 

I guess I'll sum up my little story. I was with my b/f for 3 years. We fit really well and had a really healthy, communicative realtionship. We didn't fight much and we had made it through a few serious rough times together. He became my best friend, and he told me I was his, and we really did have a lot of love between us. My friends used to be envious of our "strong foundation."

 

So imagine my surprise when he broke up with me in November.

 

Since May 2008, his drinking got excessive. We split up for a week in May-June after he went away for a 3 day bender in PA and didn't contact me once. It was a combination that he didn't call, didn't want to call, or didn't even think to call. Also the fact he was probably so wasted, he practically forgot about me and I needed better than that. We patched things up after a week, deciding he would be more serious about me and his life. We had three weeks together and then I went away to Europe for a month. Then things were good for a short bit, but he went back to crappy behavior because nothing really got solved with me disappearing for a month.

 

important information: His friends hated me. I was shy around them because they're aggressive, brash people. They simply aren't my type of people. I used to be friendly with them when we met but then the two chick friends he had made up all these rumors about me and blamed me for stealing him away and that he never hung out. They blamed me for everything he did, or didn't do. Not the 60hr a week job he had. so there was a big tension amongst us all. After awhile, I started hating them because i know the two of them were trying to set him up with other girls they knew. they poisoned his opinions about me.

 

We fought alot the last few months because I could feel him growing distant. I would try to address our problems and he would just get frustrated and push me away.

He broke up with me Nov 30, 2 1/2 weeks before our 3 yr anniversary saying "I'm not happy. It's too much work. I love you but I can't be your sun. You put too much on me. We aren't suitable anymore. We just don't fit into our lives like we used to. Its too separate and there's no more unity amongst us. I love you but... I just can't make this work anymore."

 

I don't know anything other than the words he told me. I think his friends might have had something to do this and personally, I don't know how you realize someone is unsuitable for you three years into things. But, whatever.

 

I also have an illness in my family and when it initially happened, I was emotionally distraught and overridden with grief. I think another big reason he broke up with me was because he couldn't handle how unhappy I was and even he wasn't making me happy anymore.

 

So we tried to meet up a week later in December and I wanted to make it work and he said no, even though he cried and promised to call. He's my best friend and with my family illness, I wasn't prepared to just let him go. But Dec 12 he yelled at me on the phone about not wanting to rehash it and said "I just don't think it's going to work." We stopped talking after that.

 

I emailed him the week of Christmas for stuff back and got a mean email back Christmas morning. I emailed back saying how hurt I was that he would email me christmas morning like that and not even wish me good tidings, considering we didnt have an ugly breakup. Then he texted me before I went on vacation for the new years to wish me a happy new year & a safe trip. (I think he felt bad)

 

Well, I found out he slept with some random girl on new years at his friend's party. I found out from his friends posting pix of them making out all over the internet and congratulating him on his "conquest." I was disgusted. So I decided to not speak to him again for @ least 60 days and to stop reading his crap online because I was only hurting myself. I also was well aware that even though I STILL love him alot and do want him back, he's a package deal. And I do not want his friends part of my life anymore. Good riddance to them. They sucked.

 

So, then we bumped into each other about a week and a half ago. I was ambivalent to seeing him, because that day started off being THE FIRST DAY i didnt want to run over to his house and beg for him back. The plus side was I looked really good and pretty. But I actually found it strange cuz he was shaking and kept fumbling when speaking to me and he also looked tired and unshowered/unshaved. So we just talked about life and family. then we went separate ways.

 

I need help managing through my breakup because I don't know how to move forward. I really loved him and there are little things keeping me stuck in this place, even thought I know moving on is best.

 

I'm stuck because, since the breakup, his behavior has been weird, but indirect. He doesn't call or do anything to reach me, but I know he's still there. He's watching me, I know he is. (literally) Trust me I don't want to analyze his behavior, but he doesn't really give me a choice because he is not acting like himself at all. He's up and down, different and inconsistent, acting like a trainwreck... acting like a whole different person. but he broke up with me.

It bothers me because I have to wonder - is he acting like this whole new person because he's relieved and finally free of me? Is he excercising his freedom? Was I that BAD?

Or is he acting like a lunatic because his life doesn't feel right either? Is he just trying to fill the space where I was? Why would he do that if he broke up with me?

He wanted this... and yet sometimes it seems like this is worse on him than it is on me.

 

I don't want to post all my questions/concerns and stuff here all at once, but I def have a few things I need to get thru and need help with. Interacting with him... how to deal with the indirect things he's been doing. How to move myself forward. Its alot. This was my first serious relationship, first love. And I just need some help from people who don't know him or me or us. I just figured I would start out with telling my story.

Any advice/tips would help.

 

Thanks for reading!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Try no contact for 3 weeks with him. Go and do things by yourself and then make a decision whether or not you want him back in your life. It will give you some time to get yourself emotionally out of the situation, so you can make a better judgment.

 

A lot of times we only reminisce about the good in the relationship and forget about the bad, especially when we are hurting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Right now, I'm pretty sure I don't want to get back together.

Yes I'm lonely. Yes I'm bored. He was my best friend and its not that I can't be alone - I miss HIM. I would love him back, truthfully, but his awful friends keep me from even trying. So I've decided to move on.

I am very self reliant and well aware that this breakup must have happened for a reason. But still, knowing that... Its still very hard for me to get past it.

 

There were alot of problems between us - his friends and his drinking. And I dont want that part of my life. Unless he stops, which i know he wont anytime soon, I'm going to remain on my own or try to find someone else.

 

Honestly tho, I just want to get my stuff back now so I don't have to come back to this place in a few weeks/months. I want to move on from this as soon as possible. And he's had nearly 2 months to get my stuff (3 things) together. And he wont respond to my emails or anything. ](*,)

I emailed him sat morning, telling him to call me with a time that was best for him for me to come over and get my stuff this friday. I still havent heard back. He's blocked me on AIM and i refuse to call him, not only cuz i shouldnt have to but because im too angry. I'm also not going to channel thru our one mutual friend. I don't know what course of action to take next... my friends tell me to just show up at his house Friday for my stuff. But I have a feeling that could be ugly. And he should be decent enough to just call me.

 

any suggestions?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Try no contact for 3 weeks with him. Go and do things by yourself and then make a decision whether or not you want him back in your life. It will give you some time to get yourself emotionally out of the situation, so you can make a better judgment.

 

A lot of times we only reminisce about the good in the relationship and forget about the bad, especially when we are hurting.

 

Welcome. I agree with this. The only way to refocus your mind and your energy is to stop keeping tabs on him and analyzing ANYthing--much less everything--he says and does.

 

The guy broke up with you so that he could go back on his bender, so it shouldn't surprise you that he's acting like someone on a bender. He was unwashed and had the shakes? Please spare yourself from trying to make that about you.

 

One good place to start healing would be to attend some Ala-non meetings. They will teach you the limits of your influence over an alcoholic. You'll have support from people who understand, and with their help you'll start to feel liberated from trying to make sense out of the senseless.

 

I'm glad you found this place and hope you'll keep posting.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

one of my best friends is in recovery in AA and i've seen this before with other people i know. she was the one who convinced me to even address this with him, which I did in september. and of course, he was really angry and i almost think that was the beginning of the end. I thought he was shaking cuz he was just nervous to see me, but you never know i guess.

And I am well aware that there were bad times... the last few months together were more bad times than good.

 

i just cant understand why hes treating me like i did something wrong and why he wont return my call so i can get my stuff back. i said in my email that theres no way i can move on with that lingering over my head. and he hasnt responded. i'm almost thinking he hasnt called so he can keep it lingering and so i wont move on. and thats not fair to me.

 

ugh. i just wish this could be easier. our one mutual friend offered to contact him for me but i didnt want to drag them in. should i? i dont know what else to do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The reason I suggested Ala-NON as opposed to AA is the different perspective--AlaNONers are the ones who share your shoes, so to speak.

 

Also, you can't put it on him to heal you by doing what you say. If you want your stuff, ask him to give it to someone, or file a small claim. Otherwise, your own closure is your own job--an alcoholic certainly isn't capable of giving it to you.

 

If that sounds harsh, it's not meant to be, I honestly understand. This is straight talk from someone who's worked with alcoholics for over 12 years.

 

Please go see the nice people. You will thank yourself.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

we dont have a mutual friend, unfortunately. i'm starting to think i should just forget about my stuff and just forget about him all together.

i'm starting to think the "getting back your stuff" issue is the one thing we all hang on to because its the last thing we have with someone. our last connection to them. the reason i wanted my stuff back now was so the connection would be over and done with now, instead of later.

 

i was actually thinking of going to a meeting like that... for friends/family of those with addictions but at the same time, he's not in my life anymore so i don't see why I should. that sounds harsh, but i dont mean it to. but if its "not my problem" anymore, then why bother? if we were still together, i def would but now doesnt make much sense. and i really hope to not have someone with those kind of problems as my partner, in my lifetime, again.

I do still love him and i want him to be safe and ok.. but now that we're apart, he's not my responsibility anymore. and he left me so its not my job to save him or call his mom or sister and tell them that. or is it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Going to one of those meetings will help you deal with your feelings about his addiction and may help you get over some of the anger you undoubtedly feel. I'm not sure how long you knew that he had a drinking problem, but it can be helpful to hear about others who are in the same situation.

 

Any counseling (whether in a group) or individual is always helpful after a breakup.

 

Focus on yourself, and don't worry so much about your things. He's obviously ignoring you, and your pleading to get them is showing a bad impression to him. If he wants you to have them back, he will get in contact with you. You've already made your intentions known.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[...] I do still love him and i want him to be safe and ok.. but now that we're apart, he's not my responsibility anymore. and he left me so its not my job to save him or call his mom or sister and tell them that. or is it?

 

No, he's not your responsibility. Alanon isn't about the alcoholic, it's for you--your grief, all your open questions about his behavior. You're still doing a lot of spinning about him, but the normal answers you'd get from posting about the behavior of a sober guy don't apply to him. The Alanon folks can help you understand what you feel you can't make sense of.

 

Unfortunately, he's the last person on the planet who could give you any reasonable answers right now. The guy who left you is not the same person you fell in love with.

 

You're right about this no longer being about him--and it's great for you to recognize that. If you'd like some help from people who know exactly what you're going through--and how to get yourself through this in the healthiest way possible, I hope you'll give them a whirl.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After reading what you have said about Al-anon, i'm going to try to see if I can go to a meeting. He's not the only person I've met like this and even though my relationship is over, I still love him and need to get past this. I know that the biggest reason why we split was because of his drinking.

 

and listen, i know the likelihood he comes back is under 1%. But I need to prepare myself if he does, or if i ever have another man like that in my life. and i think a group like this would help. So i really appreciate it. Thank you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After reading what you have said about Al-anon, i'm going to try to see if I can go to a meeting. He's not the only person I've met like this and even though my relationship is over, I still love him and need to get past this. I know that the biggest reason why we split was because of his drinking.

 

and listen, i know the likelihood he comes back is under 1%. But I need to prepare myself if he does, or if i ever have another man like that in my life. and i think a group like this would help. So i really appreciate it. Thank you.

 

Just FYI. Likehood of him coming back if you are "available" is about 60%. But that doesn't mean anything. The problem here - you can't figure out why he left. Normally man leaves for 3 reasons - no sexual attraction anymore (i.e. went to club and met somebody he thinks is an ideal for him) , he gets bored (sometimes a girl could be beautiful but completely dumb), or she drives him nuts (unreasonable fights and so on). Of course the friends could be a part of the problem too. Normally after dating few girls man would try to contact his ex especially with whom he had a good connection (and seems that you had). Right now though - there is nothing you can do. Than more you try to contact him than more he will try to avoid you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just FYI. Likehood of him coming back if you are "available" is about 60%. But that doesn't mean anything. The problem here - you can't figure out why he left. Normally man leaves for 3 reasons - no sexual attraction anymore (i.e. went to club and met somebody he thinks is an ideal for him) , he gets bored (sometimes a girl could be beautiful but completely dumb), or she drives him nuts (unreasonable fights and so on). Of course the friends could be a part of the problem too. Normally after dating few girls man would try to contact his ex especially with whom he had a good connection (and seems that you had). Right now though - there is nothing you can do. Than more you try to contact him than more he will try to avoid you.

 

60%? exhale iiii dunno... sounds high. and he's got a LOT of pride that he would have to swallow to come back to me. would it be harder to swallow if he was dumped or the dumper? cuz he was the dumper. right before we got together, his ex came back after 5 months and SHE was the dumper and he SERIOUSLY did debate being with her again.

but i guess it could happen. but i will only cross that bridge when i come to it, IF i come to it, because i cant imagine possible scenarios. if i do that, i'll drive me crazy.

 

And truthfully why I THINK we broke up...

in the fall I had (1) BIG academic pressure and confusion, (2) CRAZY roommate DRAMA, (3) addressed about his excessive drinking, (4) had a gut feeling something was up and stopped trusting him cuz he was being a tad secretive and (5) a family member fell ill with cancer. Like i said, i lost it. I just couldnt keep it together anymore and i started going to counseling again. but i only see a counselor once a week and the boyfriend was there to hear it everyday. i know i put too much on him, but thats also crap because if he loved me he shouldnt supported me thru the hard times instead of running. when my family member fell ill, i really did lose it. i wont lie... i broke apart. my friends had to force me to get out of bed... and Cinco was totally helpless. He wasnt making me happy - and in turn, i wasnt making him happy.

We also werent having as much sex and i think its cuz because i was pretty "miserable" he wasnt attracted to me anymore. i wanted to have it but he usually didnt. We were fighting over nothing and werent really one of those couples who fought alot. I think it was kinda like the "bored" thing you mentioned. But he wasnt bored.. he was overwhelmed. He didnt want to put in work or effort or care anymore. he never carried any responsibility for anyone, including his family, but himself. he was selfish when we met and then it eased up but he would still be a big selfish jerk sometimes. after our little break up in may, he finally stopped. his friends dont require anything from him except to show up and be drunk and entertain them. no responsibility.

 

this sucks. i want to go back in time and call the old him, and leave this new crazy one to his demise. its like in Men in Black where the bug steals that one guy's body and runs around like a lunatic in it.. thats my ex boyfriend.

SERIOUSLY... he was selfish, cheap, clueless, lazy, a little brash, occasionally insensitive, a little boring. but that was the worst. he was gentle, kind, respectable, considerate, funny, helpful, smart, supportive... he had a lot of good qualities too.

NOW... hes crude, crass, violent, drunk, deranged, irresponsible, demoralizing & a lunatic. I do NOT know who that man is. Im disgusted to even be associated with him somedays, or embarrassed to admit he was my boyfriend the last 3 years.

 

so i guess i am just going to go on with my life without getting stuff or money back. i guess i can just move on without it and not dwell. but i dwell on stuff i lend to people (one ex from 5 years ago still has my stuff and it still p*sses me off) i guess i can just try to forget about it and get over it. thats all i can do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just FYI. Likehood of him coming back if you are "available" is about 60%. But that doesn't mean anything. The problem here - you can't figure out why he left. Normally man leaves for 3 reasons - no sexual attraction anymore (i.e. went to club and met somebody he thinks is an ideal for him) , he gets bored (sometimes a girl could be beautiful but completely dumb), or she drives him nuts (unreasonable fights and so on). Of course the friends could be a part of the problem too. Normally after dating few girls man would try to contact his ex especially with whom he had a good connection (and seems that you had). Right now though - there is nothing you can do. Than more you try to contact him than more he will try to avoid you.

 

These reasons for a breakup assume that you're dealing with a sober guy--you're not. He left because he wants to drink without accountability. Don't try to make that about you, or anything you could have done differently--it's not. You can also villainize his friends all you want, and you can make that personal with regard to you, but that's selling yourself short. Those 'friends' equate to nothing more than drinking buddies who didn't want your guy to go sober on THEM--they would have hated ANYbody who came between them and a good drink with the BF.

 

You can't put a sober slant on any of this--that's what I keep trying to stress here. Once you understand alcoholism--and what happens to people who love alcoholics, you'll gain full clarity about what you were really up against.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

These reasons for a breakup assume that you're dealing with a sober guy--you're not. He left because he wants to drink without accountability. Don't try to make that about you, or anything you could have done differently--it's not. You can also villainize his friends all you want, and you can make that personal with regard to you, but that's selling yourself short. Those 'friends' equate to nothing more than drinking buddies who didn't want your guy to go sober on THEM--they would have hated ANYbody who came between them and a good drink with the BF.

 

You can't put a sober slant on any of this--that's what I keep trying to stress here. Once you understand alcoholism--and what happens to people who love alcoholics, you'll gain full clarity about what you were really up against.

 

you are TOTALLY right about the friends. truthfully.. he doesnt share anything with them besides drinking. They dont share emotion, feelings. They don't support or care... they're are not friends.. they're just drinking buddies. And i kno guys dont share much... but all these people have ever been was drinking/music buddies. and i know i was "ruining the fun" and thats why they pushed him to leave me. i resent his friends because they pushed him to pick booze over me. they wanted him to be "BEERO TEQUILLA."

 

i'm def going to start going to those meetings you suggested to me.

the strange thing is tho.. and idk if i mentioned this earlier... but when we met, we were both kinda wild (19, 20 yrs old. give us a little break) and then he sobered up and then I quit my vices. When he turned 21, he had little interest. But when i turned 21, i spent my first few weeks in a bar (not getting smashed, just testing new liberties. y'know.) Thing is tho, I do not have an addictive personality. I've quit smoking cold turkey without looking back. Seems I'm only emotionally addictive.

He wasnt addictive, per se. But when he indulged, he BINGED. Like i said, he started up in May. went to some woodstock kinda thing for punk music and didnt call/text/communicate - nothing. and i was so hurt cuz i knew it was because he was too distracted and didnt even think to call. didnt even miss me enough to want to call. he was just too busy drinking with his friends. It was excessive in the summer but it was the summer, i barely noticed. but it escalated in the Fall when he had work and he was trying to get ready to go back to school.

he was just a whole other person when he drank. my roomate even said "The nice sweet guy who helped us move in and ate out with our parents and would call you everynight before you went to bed IS NOT the same guy i saw in the bar on Halloween, smothering & grabbing at you, trying to throw garbage cans and shoving people into doors. hes someone else when he drinks.. that guy is not your boyfriend. at least not the boyfriend you knew, or i knew for that matter"

It was truly a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde case.

 

i grew up with 2 alcoholics in my family. i know what it can do. and i tried to voice to him and it didnt work. i also did talk to 2 people i knew in recovery that are our age for guidance... and tried to approach it. but somehting i learned for every source - i can address it but that doesnt mean it will be resolved. he has to come to it on his own terms.

but that scares me. some people never do. i had a (late) uncle who never died and it ultimately killed him.

i dont expect to save him. and now i know i really cant. i need to wash my hands of it. but i cant help but worry for his safety. maybe the group can help me learn how to conquer that.

 

I don't know much about his antics since we split but he goes out ALL the time, nearly 5-6 times a week drinking with his friends. Even on weekdays when he as work in the morning.

and you know.. i go out alot more too. and yeah i drink. but i dont loose control often. and when i drink more than usual, its only on a sat or friday night when i dont have something to do in the morning and someone is driving me home. i know hes not exercising as much caution. and that scares me.

yeah we're broken up. yeah hes not my problem anymore. but last thing i want is something hurtful or bad happening to him. i do still love him and wish him only well. even after all his crap and tho i may resent him, i dont hate him especially to the point of wishing harm on him.

i want him to be safe and i'm scared. even though its over.

 

i think i really need to look at this as simply as he left me because of booze - maybe not necessarily for it, but because of it. and i cant have this relationship back unless he is sober and he wants it too. i dont want it back unless he is sober. and maybe that means i'll never get it back.. but thats how life is supposed to be then, i guess.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gummy,

 

From an outsiders perspective, it sounds like you could do SO much better than this guy. This was only your first of many more serious relationships, TRUST me. An alcoholic, even a recovered one, is not someone you want to spend your life with. I broke off an engagement to a man I was in a 5-year relationship with because of his drinking. He was otherwise a great guy, but the drinking is still part of him.

 

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Do yourself a favour - forget about your stuff, and try to forget about him.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[Other good stuff.] I think i really need to look at this as simply as he left me because of booze - maybe not necessarily for it, but because of it. and i cant have this relationship back unless he is sober and he wants it too. i dont want it back unless he is sober. and maybe that means i'll never get it back.. but thats how life is supposed to be then, i guess.

 

I'm so glad you wrote this, it's your true starting point to a new life.

 

Most people who go through sober breakups spend a lot of their grieving time playing 'what if' games and plotting ways to manipulate their ex into coming back. But even with sober people those mind pretzels rarely touch on reality--they're about fantasy, imaginings, illusions about both the past and the future, and they don't usually lead to anything more productive than temporary goals to get back to the gym.

 

But grieving a breakup with an alcoholic requires a longer-range outlook that requires more letting go from the start. You can still use fantasy to motivate yourself toward some future pinnacle of rekindled love, but you need a stronger foundational acceptance of the 'future' not being anywhere close to 'now'.

 

Most people believe that playing social worker with an alcoholic will lead the loved one into a 30 day detox and they'll both live happily ever after. Nothing could be more fatal to your own healing process. First, most alcoholics aren't interested in sobriety--not for their wives, their kids, their jobs, or any other reason. They usually need to 'bottom out' and the worst place to position yourself would be anywhere near even the periphery of his life while he's on his way to THAT place. You can't get him there any quicker, and you can't control his safety, his health or any other outcome while you risk endangering yourself--and becoming the enabler that spares him suffering so he can continue his downward spiral more slowly.

 

Second, most alcoholics that enter a program and dry out for a month don't stay sober. At any AA meeting you'll find people who've spent the better part of their lives in and out of programs. That doesn't mean long term recovery isn't possible, it's just a poor bet to take on someone else for your own future.

 

Third, lots of people stay enmeshed with alcoholics to avoid tackling their own fears and facing their own lives head on. They dedicate their focus to 'helping' their sick and needy alcoholic so they get to feel saintly while squelching their own opportunities and abilities and social health. This is especially important to notice at Ala-Non meetings--I didn't suggest those meetings for you to learn about hunkering down to do the business of an enabler for years to come. You'll be exposed to people who've opted for a variety of choices--and it's just as important to learn the choices you DON'T want to make as it is to recognize your own reasons for getting as deeply involved as you did with an alcohol abuser. You'll recognize behaviors you overlooked as red flags to avoid in the future, and if you use this exposure to others properly, you'll learn how to keep yourself from falling for the same personality types over-an-over-and-over.

 

You're young enough to use this experience as a launching point into a whole new direction. Your statement above sounds as though you're going there--and please don't fault yourself during times when you don't always feel clear and in control. Healing is about taking baby steps that are cumulative--a few forward, one or two back, but the forward steps can never be undone by occasional falls into weakness, everybody goes there. You can't plot your full course right now, so don't try--relax into each step, because the next one will teach you where to step next and next. You won't know what you'll know until you get there, and that's why you'll amaze yourself often.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

cat feeder, everything you have said to me on this message board has helped me understand my breakup in ways i never thought i could.

my relationship as a whole was not bad or messy or awful or horrible. These last few months threw me for a loop and when it ended, i fell apart because nothing really happened. he didnt say any of those "lines." he didnt give me real reasons - he just left, after 3 years together.

 

because i dont have great self esteem, i thought it was me. i would probably still think it was me if you hadn't come to me and shared with me your thoughts.

 

a friend of mine decided to join me and we are going to start to go to AL-Anon meetings soon, supporting each other in our experiences while trying to learn something we dont understand - the alcoholic mind.

 

the posts you have sent me are what keep me from crawling back. the posts you send me are "my sign" to not go backwards. i still love him - alot. and i miss him terribly (today was actually exceptionally hard). and everyday i have to remind myself that i cannot go backwards because of his drinking. and i know it cant be fixed overnight and it wont be fixed for a long time. so i just cant go back.

 

and thank you for reminding me of the real reasons.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think one of my biggest problems when it comes to letting go is that Cinco was a great boyfriend with one vice. and im honestly very disbelieving that i will ever find a man like him again who has ALL the same traits i loved, minus that one thing. before the drinking became a problem, he was too good to be true. and then he wasnt true - the drinking showed a whole new side i couldnt live with.

 

but it was the little things - but my big things - that i miss in him. down to the littlest things (favorite movies, favorite singers/songs, pasttimes shared together) he was my match. it was just that one thing.

and unfortunately its not a little thing i can dismiss or forget or help him fix. its a huge thing. something i cant overlook just so i can have the little things back. but i miss them, regardless.

 

i really cannot wait for the day where i just don't miss him anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Gummy,

Your post means so much to me, and I'm holding you in my heart. You can't imagine the numbers of people on these boards who spend weeks and months dissecting and fiddling with all the details of what he said or she said trying to make sense of their breakups when they're leaving out the single most important factor of their whole story--the ex is either drinking or on drugs.

 

Well? That's how far the denial of addiction spreads, even to family members and lovers and spouses--they do pretzels to notice every detail done or spoken, except for the critical truth that a substance has destroyed their loved one--much less their relationship.

 

You nailed the problem early on in your account--the bender. This tells you everything about his focus, his friends' focus, and the reason why you could have been the most perfect girlfriend in the world and it wouldn't matter. Nothing is more important to an addict than whatever he/she uses to self-medicate. Not a lover, a family, a home.

 

Despite the coldness of the facts I've tried to convey, I do understand how hard this must be for you, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you'll find some comfort sooner than later, but there is no set of rules or timing for your grief--you don't need to be concerned about the calendar for deciding which ways and how long it takes you to heal. It takes as long as it takes.

 

At the very least I hope it's some relief to know that you did nothing wrong. You're perfectly right and valid in loving who you love. It's just unfortunate that some people are best loved from far away.

 

Talk soon, and my best,

Cat

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Buh... I had a dream the other night. The weirdest dream i have ever had in my life - and i'll explain why. I relived all the actual physical, emotional, and sensual feelings I used to get with my ex. It was just us kissing and cuddling and i woke up not feeling like we weren't broken up.

all day, i have had this feeling in my gut that im familiar with. when i was still with "Cinco," I used to have this sitting anticipation inside of me because i knew i was going to see him or hear from him later that night. I've had it all day. I have no idea why. I just have this strong feeling... and maybe I'm too much of a romantic but I have this weird notion he could feel this way too.

I'm probably wrong but it just feels like he's there.

 

I'm so close to breaking NC and not only calling him but asking him to come over. I'm starting to miss him so much. my own family issue just took another hard turn and its not that I need him here. I would just like him here.

 

but after all thats been talked out here, i know its a bad idea. but im starting to think maybe he's slowly down. maybe he's wising up. from what i hear, he stayed in friday and saturday night and didnt go to his friends' superbowl party. He stayed home and went for a walk alone for an hour.

I'm not in denial and saying "omg he can change." i know that if he did, it would not be this quick and would not be over night. I know that this could just be him taking a slow weekend and in now way is a symbol of him sobering up. I know that he has an addiction and i know i don't want that mess in my life. I am well aware of everything.

 

but i miss him like crazy. i still do. And i got asked out on 2 dates in the last two days and you'd think that would make me not miss him. Listen, yes, it made me feel good... but i still miss him.

 

This is such an immense struggle to not break NC. I just want to talk to him. I'm pretty sure I won't break NC - i've been exceptionally good since the 2nd week of our breakup. But... its starting to overwhelm me.

I don't know how to do this. Nothing feels right when he's not here. I'll put it the best way I can: I miss him, even though I shouldn't. And I think its because the feeling is right - not wrong. If it was wrong to feel this way, I wouldn't. But I do.

 

Somebody say something sensible to me to prevent me from breaking NC lol.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...