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how do you get over an ex that wasn't a bad ex?


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I'm really struggling letting go of my ex because he did not do anything bad to me. He didn't cheat on me, didn't leave me for someone else, nothing like that. He just did not see a future and felt that our relationship had too many flaws to work things out. When I spoke to him for the last time yesterday, he was acting like he was completely over me and frustrated that we couldn't just be friends after only breaking up in dec. I don't get how someone can just get over you like that when there's no one else in the picture. I'm having trouble getting over this break up because in the past, I would look at the bad things an ex did to me as an impetus to move on and not look back.

 

I try talking to my friends and instead of saying he's a jerk or what not...they just say "it sucks being broken up with. everyone gets rejected at some point." I need something to make myself look at him as a bad person so I can NOT want to be with him. I can only think of the fact that he's nonconfrontational when it comes to problems and not emotional at all as some flaws...he's never been in love and he told me before he's never liked any other girl more than me and i'm his best friend. He keeps to himself, is introverted, doesn't have too many friends. I'm a lot more outgoing and I was willing to talk about our problems and fix them...but he wasn't. I don't know how to move on

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Me and my ex broke up for similar reasons. The long distance didn't work for us and we ended up arguing about it more than anything. Maybe if you find something to keep your mind off it? I found if I keep myself busy doing something I love to do I tend not to think about her much. It was hard the first couple months but eventually I started thinking about her less.

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Instead of looking for reasons to be angry, think about how sometimes in life we find people and there is honestly nothing wrong with them, but there's just not that spark or connection that makes you want to go the distance. You know you woulnd't be feeling *any* better or getting over him *any* faster if he'd been a jerk or cheated or dumped you for someone else. Give him credit for being man enough to dump you before acting like a jerk, taking you for granted or cheating. Sounds like he's pretty mature. You just had your last conversation *yesterday* so of course you've barely had time to take steps towards moving forward, but with time it'll get easier. You'll look back one day and think he was a "real man" for being honest and kind and having "nothing wrong with him". I think it's too bad when we can't accept that "it's just not there" and instead *look for* things that are wrong with us...wonder what we did or how we could have fixed it. Not everyone is meant to be together. Accept that he's a good guy and you're a good girl and it just didn't "click"

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Thanks for the replies....it's hard to accept a fact like that...that some people aren't meant to work out. It hurts because it took 14 months for him to realize that and that we talked about a future before.

 

I just feel so rejected and i feel like I did something wrong and that I could have made it work out better had I not taken him for granted (which can happen to all of us I think at times in relationships). He assured me that I had nothing to be sorry...

 

I guess I would think that for someone who has such few good friends (i think i'm his only close friend that's a girl), i would mean a lot more to him. It just seems like from our conversation where he barely responded, that he's pretty fine without me being in his life.

 

Sorry for all the rambling. I hope I just can accept things and move on. There's no point in pursuing someone who doesn't want you.

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I think, again, that he sounds very mature. People date for exactly the purpose of finding out how compatible they are and some people date for *years* before realizing they can't see that person as their wife/husband, or mother/father of their children. Sometimes it can be hard to take but the important thing is not to second guess what you could've done differently b/c you want to be able to be in a relationship where you can be *yourself*, not someone who's trying too hard, and be relaxed and confident that the person is there for the long haul. That takes time, intimacy, and usually some failed relationships, to recognize and appreciate when it happens.

I think guys (and girls) who do the breaking up try to make it as clear as possible that it's not anything the other person *did*, but just not what they're ultimately looking for. If you can really hear what they're saying, it's honest rather than hurtful. I actually thanked the last guy who broke up with me.....he was just coming out of a divorce and I knew I'd be really into him really fast and things were going along well and then he was like, "I'm not ready for this"...and I could not have been more appreciative of his honesty and maturity. Serioulsy. Why waste your time??

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I think that you can still appreciate someone and think they are wonderful while at the same time appreciating the things that made you incompatible. I've only truly felt mistreated by one guy in my life...but I have also been dumped by others, and as much as it hurt and I wanted to think of them as bad guys...they really weren't and it did not help me get over them to think of them in that light. Instead, I thought about all of the things that made us incompatible (in one case, it was the guy's decision that he was not as into me as I was into him and in other cases, it was due to disagreements that were big enough to get in the way of the relationship).

 

As for the friends thing, he is being a bit obnoxious. I would go NC and not listen to his whining about how it should be easy for you to just transition into being friends. He's not being realistic about the possibility that you feel differently and that it will take you longer than it has taken him.

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cookiedough1 -

 

My situation is identical to yours and it has taken me a very very long time to accept things and move on.

 

It is hard when they don't give you a clear reason other than "I'm just not that into you", as the book and now movie say. My immediate reaction when I read your note was "Oh really? And it has taken you 14 MONTHS to figure that out?!".

 

Although this may be hard for you to believe now, it really isn't about you. This may sound like a cliché, but it's not. Journal about the relationship, write him letters that you don't send, talk to someone who really cares about you, get it all out as many times as you need, and let the grief process run its course. As you do these things, you will be able to identify the red flags that you failed to recognize or chose not to see. Instead of focusing on how, what, why he could do such a thing, focus on understanding where YOUR attachment to someone who has so few friends and who didn't open up communication about his doubts during the relationship comes from.

 

As for the friends thing, this is the most common reaction of people like your ex. They want to lessen their guilt and, frankly, they selfishly want to remain friends with someone who cares so much about them. Your ex is no exception and the answer to his proposal is NO. Clean and simple and as final as his decision. NO. No need to explain anything. It is your turn to be selfish and to focus on what YOU need to do to move on.

 

The relationship is dead and you don't owe him anything, not even a response to any contact he makes. Before the breakup, it does make sense to talk about things and address issues. However, after the breakup there really isn't anything left to be said. Because it doesn't matter. Whatever is said, no matter how tempting, will not change the fact that you are broken up.

 

You will get over him and eventually, on life's terms, you will meet someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

LFG

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Hi everyone, I'm new to this site/forum but not so new to the pain that made me venture in this direction. I have been reading these forums since last week because like cookiedough1 I am in a similar position.

 

Nearly 3 weeks ago my girlfriend of 2 years (January 30th would've made it 3 yrs) called off the relationship. I agreed that we have been more of friends toward each other within the past few months but that was mostly because I received no signs from her that we were still intimately connected. I really had no prob with being in a serious relationship like this and being best of friends because in the end, if I am blessed to have a wife I want to reflect on many years shared with her.

 

So I said the relationship really cant work if we aren't on the same page and I desperately want this because I love her so much. She is my confidant, the love of my life, and even though we had our ups and downs we made it this far and my love only grew stronger for her. Anywho she wants to just be friends and she feels this is right for her. I'm not the type to stand in the way of anyone's path so I accepted that we were finished. But did I?

 

A week later, I broke down because it was hard just "pretending" as I said to her, to be friends because my feelings are greater than that. Bottom-line, I told her I may never be able to become friends with her and I'm gonna take time apart from her (like I stated earlier, I've been following these forums and they've helped so thank all of u so far, u have been so wonderful). But now, like every other day I miss her soooooooooo much and the tears are flowing and I want to not hurt anymore. We go to school together, we share the same friends and I cant bear to see her when I return to school next week. I took this week off to recuperate and do some personal work, exercise and whatnot, u know, try to get some strength back.

 

I've been doing well but I knew the road wasn't smooth at all. Right now I'm breaking again and I just want comfort please! I text her today, though something told me not to. I just wanted to let her know that I'm ok and that I hope she's ok and I still miss her, but after sending it I felt so stupid!!! I feel like I opened up more hurt 4 me. Not too long ago, I decided to not write about it in my journal, but to email her what would've gone into my journal.

 

I have questions like why did we break up? Did she not find me attractive anymore? Is it that she wants to experience other relationships? (This is her first relationship) Is it that something went wrong that we couldn't work out or that she doesn't want to work out? Is this just a phase for her and there's still hope for us? U know, stuff like that. I wrote about being confused and feeling betrayed, angry and so forth and that answers to these questions will help let me know how to move on. Do u think I did right? I told her in the letter at this point I feel I have nothing 2 lose as I feel like a huge hole has been created in the depths of my heart and I have lost everything.

 

Like cookiedough1 I tried thinking of everything bad about her, but c'mon I wouldn't consider her "the one" if the bad outweighed the good (so to speak). I love her unconditionally. I look out 4 her, and like I said she's my confidant. But things have changed and I dont want them to. I've accepted what is, but still yearn for her love. I'm anticipating her response to my letter before I release more of me and I think that will help me determine my next step.

 

I just feel so vulnerable and scared, and unwanted, not needed and I want her to need me, 2 love me the way I do her. It hurts so much, so badly and I cant do anything about it. I'm sorry if some of this sounds confusing, I'm just having a hard time coping, remembering and releasing. If I could hug u cookiedough1 I would, cuz I feel ur pain

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Also, so far, I have spoken to my mom, who's my number 1 best friend, I've told another friend, I've written in my journal (only twice so far), prayed, went to the beach, watched quite a bit of movies, played my DS... Just things I've been trying to do to cope. I dont have much people to talk to who I consider trustworthy with my feelings so it's really been restricted to my mom and my other best friend. If anyone has something they can recommend please share it. Thanks

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