stuck. please help

[newborn]

I can't tell if I'm in love with my gf. I wasn't in love with her when we first got together. We were friends but the chemistry just wasn't there. But somehow we had sex (I was 22, she was my first. I thought she just wanted sex but it turned out that she had feelings for me and I just couldn't see it). I didn't want to be the typical guy and brake up after sex (I tried but she got emotional and I gave in) so I decided to try it out. It was my first ever gf. I had only kissed 3 or 4 girls previously. I always had a fear of intimacy even though I was a very smooth (and sincere) talker. This fear kind of made me resent my past since I hadn't had sex until a year after college. After finally taking that step into intimacy I felt that I could now search for the girl of my dreams, or at least have some serious fun. But I felt trapped in this relationship. The chemistry wasn't there but after a while I felt as if maybe I was just suppressing the chemistry because I wanted to live the "single" life that I was always kind of afraid of. It's now been almost a year together and I'm still having doubts. The girl is just about everything a man could want in a woman. Perhaps she's not funny enough for me and that's the whole problem with the chemistry. But she's almost perferct in every other way. I know she loves me a lot. And I care the world for her. But I feel as if I'm cheating myself and "settling" for someone that I wasn't attracted to in the beginning. It's been almost a year and a LOT has happened to bring up closer together. Everything happened WAY too fast. I'll keep the details short. We lived together after dating for 4 months. We lived together for 5 months and have been living apart for 3 weeks. We still see each other every day and sleep at one another's house almost every day (only 2 days not). I met her parents, she met mine, although that was under different circumstances too. Our parants just happened to be in town so it was natural for them to meet. I need her to know that I'm having these doubts, but I certainly cannot tell her that I didn't have feelings for her in the beginning. I feel like I need to take a break and date other people, but at the same time I feel like I will regret leaving her. I really need to talk to her soon but I really really fear that conversation. Any advice on how to approach her with this? She actually asked me the other day if I was still happy and if there were any issues. We were in a public place late at night so I told her I was fine because I didn't want to have the conversation then and there. Any advice at all on how to break bad news to her would be appreciated. I know there is no good way or "right" time, but I need some coaching on how to do this. this is my first and I think I may have to break her heart--and that is tearing me up inside.

[minndawg]

I found myself in your EXACT situation... living together, not really feeling it at first, kinda falling out in the end... the girl was perfect in every way but I was the one that finally broke it off about a year ago. And to this day I wonder every single day if we were living together, would I be happy? Because soon after the break up I was ready to go crawling back but I didn't.

 

If you have some kind of fear that you'll be missing out on this "perfect" girl even after you break the news to her... I don't know what to tell you... On one hand, keep her but you'll always have doubts and it'll always be on your mind. Break up and you might be missing out on a whole lot. I made my decision the hard way.

 

Even though the conversation might be one of the most fearful things in your life, as it was mine, it's something that NEEDS to be done. Explain everything to her, it's the only way. Maybe she'll agree to give you some time and room to date other people. If she happens to date others, then that's that and if you come back together, then you come back together.

 

My suggestion would be to have that "talk" with her and lay your cards out. Then where you go from there depends on how she takes the talk. When I had the "talk" with my ex, I kinda started it out wrong and she slapped me a few times, lol! So think your words carefully. But honesty seriously is the key...... instead of stressing over it, tell all, and everything will come to you.

 

I feel for ya man, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation though. Let me know what happens, I'm curious...

[mermayd]

Hi there. It sounds to me that your girl has already felt a bit of change in the relationship. That is why she asked you if there were any issues. If you are doubtful of a relationship and of your feelings then it most likely is not meant to be. You cannot force your feelings to be true, and if you do try to convince yourself that you feel a certain way, you will end up getting hurt in the end. You need to be true to yourself and listen to your heart. Your heart tells you what is right and if this does not feel right to you, then it doesnt feel right to her either. I have been in this situation in my last relationship. A year into it, I was doubtful of my feelings but I didnt want to hurt the guy and I tried to make things work out and force feelings that I didnt have. I was with him for a year and a half after my doubt began and I wish that I had ended things sooner. It would have saved a lot of time, energy, and heartache. I hope this helps you. Good luck.

[newborn]

I thought I was the ONLY one to get into a situation like this. I'm sorry to hear that she slapped you, but I would take a few slaps after keeping the relationship going this long without talking to her. I'm VERY curious to hear more of your situation. I may talk to my girl tonight if I hear more of you situation. Or I may do the dinner, movie, sex ordeal and wake up tomorrow feeling the same way I've been feeling for months.

 

What did you say to get slapped? Did you tell her EVERYTHING, INCLUDING the fact that you weren't feeling it from the start? That's the one thing that I really don't think I should tell her BUT that would be the most honest. How long did you date? How long did you live together? Were you still living together when you broke it off? Was she heartbroken? How are the 2 of you doing now?

 

Please answer all of those questions if you can. You may be my last word of advice that could get me to go through with the talk. Thanks the help.

 

Oh, and what made you want to break up with her?