Ms.Lady Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I've come to the conclusion that my life will be a lonely one. It's hard for me to make friends with people without someone deserting me or stabbing me in the back.I'm pretty sure there's decent people out there but as my luck would have it, I always seem to run into the users or the two faced friends. Relationships seem hopeless and pathetic since it seems the only men I run into are the game players.. Never been truly close to family.. They don't put forth an effort to spend time with me & try to get to know me.. I'm done! In all I've become bitter and tired. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of always being the one to try to make things work when no one else does. So most of the time,I spend time to myself alone and miserable. I am getting a little irritated with my life because I've become so isolated, dreary & depressed. Same thing everyday and I find myself to be aggravated around people. Everyone else seems happy except me... I don't deserve to be treated like an outcast.. It just seems unfair. I've never been a horrible person but it always seem like crap always comes knocking at my door. I know it's a part of life but I wish I had a break for once.. Just one happy time where I felt content that's all I ask.. My question is how do you find happiness within yourself? Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 You sound just like me prior to recovery. I had no friends either. anyway, I was single and happy about it for a long time and then found my husband. When you have a happy life being single and alone, you raise your standards for dating. The way you do it is that you don't let yourself relish those thoughts of loneliness and despair. You challenge that thinking and the way you do that is by acting as if. Then you go find some activities you like doing and see if you can find a group of people doing them. Make friends without expecting all kinds of stuff out of them, just to practice friendship a little bit. Once someone proves they are the kind of friend you're looking for, delve deeper with them. Most importantly, take your time in order to make the kind of friend you really want. Link to comment
FireInHeaven Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 This is such a hard question to answer...because only you can answer it. I can kind of relate to how you feel though. I've had a lot of backstabbing two-facers for friends over the years. But the upside is in dealing with a lot of those people you learn to see warning signs. Link to comment
CitizenDude Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi there I do not have any solid advice, but I just want to tell you that I am 100% the same situation as you. I was thinking of building a thread about it, but I really don't have anything to add. I'll keep my eye on this one. Going to the video store at night wintertime... it sucks doesn't it.. Seeing people having fun and hangin with their GF's BF's... drives me nuts. Yeah I know how this feels... I really do.. Just want you to know you're not alone. (((huggs)) Link to comment
CitizenDude Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I will share with you though... You have to go out and join some groups, like a hobby group. Sitting around pondering in bad thinking and pining away will not help you. I know how intense the feelings get and I have cried to sleep a lot, as I'm sure you have. You have to go out and meet people... don't keep yourself sheltered away anymore. This is what I am trying to tell myself too. Link to comment
dasilver Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I am single, no children, no boyfriend. I have some friends, i don't drink or smoke so the bar scene and clubs are a no no. But i am happy. I go to the movies by myself, i treat myself to dinner at nice resturants whenever i can afford it, i go to the theater to see plays and shows and ballets. People look at me funny when i'm out alone or they give me the "pity" look. I have no idea why. I've learned to be happy on my own. Where is it written in the Constitution or Bible that you can't go out and have fun alone and if you do then that means you are weird? There is only one person that can make you unhappy and that is yourself. I personally refuse to be unhappy. I wouldn't give up on looking for love....there are 6 billion people in this world. You want to tell me not one of them out there isn't for you? Link to comment
waveseer Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 In order for me to provide my own happiness I must become the person I want to be. Having done that, happiness follows naturally. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 The answer is that you don't learn to be happy alone. Humans are social creatures. We need to be around other people. It's unhealthy to live an isolated life. What would serve you better is to learn how to establish and keep healthy relationships with others. What do you think is preventing this for you? You say you have experienced a lot of betrayal from friends and men. What kind of people are you choosing to hang out with? Is there a common trait among them? What are the problems with your family? There's really no such thing as luck. It might feel like bad things are just happening to you, but we put ourselves into positions in life. Maybe you could talk to a therapist and figure out what's going on. Link to comment
JDKunk Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I will take another path. You will never be happy alone and by yourself until You are happy because you are alone and by yourself. I am a crazy man with crazy thoughts sitting alone and by myself, yet not really alone, because you will read this. Link to comment
dasilver Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I will take another path. You will never be happy alone and by yourself until You are happy because you are alone and by yourself. I am a crazy man with crazy thoughts sitting alone and by myself, yet not really alone, because you will read this. it! However there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Link to comment
yumicecream Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 There is no set formula for happiness, it comes when it decides to come and goes when it decides to go. One thing I know for sure is that its ten thousand times better to be alone than in a bad relationship. Link to comment
Crovax Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. I've been grappling with this same problem for about six years now. It has taken a long time to trust people again, and I'm still not willing to give the same level of trust that I did back then. In my experience, I've found that keeping busy helps a lot. I'm happiest when I'm focused on the moment rather than having a lot of idle time to dwell on things. Other than that, I think a lot of it is learning to neither do too much for others, nor expect much from them. My interpersonal relationships improved a lot when I changed my attitude about needing friends. As many have said already, only you can determine your own happiness, but I thought I'd post my own experience in solidarity. Good luck Link to comment
Mr.Zombie Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 How exactly do you be happy alone & by yourself? You just stop caring. It's not so much about being happy alone, but just not caring if you're alone. Happiness shouldn't (and doesn't) hinge on one's single or non-single status. Link to comment
Mr.Zombie Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 It's unhealthy to live an isolated life. I disagree. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 I disagree. You can disagree if you'd like, but are you happy being isolated? I don't think that you are judging from your posts. So I'm not sure why it would strike you as an emotionally healthy way to live. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 You just stop caring. It's not so much about being happy alone, but just not caring if you're alone. Happiness shouldn't (and doesn't) hinge on one's single or non-single status. Hey Mr. Zombie, I'm glad to see that you're doing better than you were that one night. I agree that happiness shouldn't and doesn't hinge on single/non-single status. You're right about that. But don't completely isolate, ok? It's too easy to fall into self-destruction. Isolation simply means just not being around people at all. You needn't make any connections (though I don't recommend that) but you should at least be around people sometimes. Link to comment
JohnDoe123 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Bravo! I've got a long way to go but my goal is to become like you. I must become comfortable in my own skin 24/7. Right now I'm taking baby steps- just going to get groceries by myself is a challenge. My #1 goal for 2009 is to become happily single. You are now officially my role model. Take a bow! Peace, JD123 Link to comment
Mr.Zombie Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 You can disagree if you'd like, but are you happy being isolated? I don't think that you are judging from your posts. So I'm not sure why it would strike you as an emotionally healthy way to live. I'm not isolated. I'm alone a lot of the time, yes, but I'm hardly isolated. I have lots of issues, but that's not why I spend a lot of time alone. I like peace and quiet and I like to be by myself. Some people choose to live in isolation for a number of reasons. Some are misanthropic, some want to find themselves, some just want to think, some want to look for God. It may be unhealthy for some people to live that way, but certainly not for everybody. Just look at Thoreau. "I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude," -- Henry David Thoreau. Link to comment
glegend Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Your like me. I dont know I just live life. I'm miserable, but I try to live life by reminiscing the past. Its my get away. I spend the past few day watching Digimon the first season which is a total of 54 episodes. I get trapped into it and I can spend time and be happy and just think about thoughts that I had back then and I stay happy. I guess I'm used to being alone. It was differnt before when I had my girl, but still I was always alone. I always had my problems and I know I'm miserable deep down but I somehow find a way to keep it inside but then when it comes out its hit me hard. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I'm not isolated. I'm alone a lot of the time, yes, but I'm hardly isolated. I have lots of issues, but that's not why I spend a lot of time alone. I like peace and quiet and I like to be by myself. Some people choose to live in isolation for a number of reasons. Some are misanthropic, some want to find themselves, some just want to think, some want to look for God. It may be unhealthy for some people to live that way, but certainly not for everybody. Just look at Thoreau. "I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude," -- Henry David Thoreau. Consciously choosing to live in isolation for the purposes of spirituality or accomplishing a work of art are not comparable situations, especially to the o.p.'s situation. The reason those quests are so revered is because it *is* difficult and sacrificial to remove oneself from society deliberately, and that's because it goes against the nature of humans. It's the same as those who take on extreme sporting quests, like hiking the Appalachian Trail or running a marathon. They are not necessarily healthy things to do in terms of the damage to the body, but they are considered admirable because of the sacrifice involved. And Thoreau was only in the woods for two years. Compared to the rest of his time on this earth, that's a very small span. Why do you suppose he returned if isolation was such a great idea? Link to comment
Rosee Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 People's personality styles have a large part to play in whether people prefer more or less time alone. Someone with a predominantly solitary personality style wouldn't have much of a problem being alone..they wouldn't equate it with being lonely, so for someone like that it works fine. Then you have someone with a sensitive personality style (like me) and there is a strong desire to be with others but fear about it, so the result is often loner type lifestyles with the actual loneliness aspect added. Anyway, I am still frequently happy..it's just a type of mood for me, sometimes happy, sometimes sad etc.. wish I had an easier time with interpersonal relationships though definitely..I think I'd be happy more often. Link to comment
canali Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 you put both people down and yourself and play the victim trump card loudly....'tis little wonder people would want to get to know you with such cynicism....try volunteering and doing some mediation (esp learning about loving kindness and forgiveness: both of oneself and others) Link to comment
Comatose Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Live your life with meaning. When you find your true love, you'll be glad you did. Do what makes you happy, and be the best person you can be. Link to comment
WillamB83 Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Watch "The Bucket List" Link to comment
talo Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 My question is how do you find happiness within yourself?Being happy is not having problems. Notice that the only 'time' you do not 'have them' is Now. Now is not really in time. You are not really in time, you only imagine (think) you are. All problems are thoughts, are thought of, in time. You are only really without problems, happy, Now. Notice this, this problem free happiness. It is here before you think about it. Link to comment
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