Is my self esteem sabotaging my relationship?

[Unknown1607307972]

Right well let me just start with something about myself. I have cripplingly low confidence. Seriously, it is abnormally bad. I am so harsh on myself that it's crazy. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I am on antidepressants to try and help and on a waiting list for counselling.

 

I broke up with my ex boyfriend because things did not feel right anymore, I loved him more as a friend and had been put through a lot in this relationship. A lot of drama and two deep periods of depression. I have a new boyfriend now, I knew him before I broke up with my ex but I didn't cheat on him despite when we developed feelings for eachother. Things have been really great with us but now something is starting to worry me.

 

I'm scared that my depression and anxiety is going to ruin things between us. I don't really understand what he sees in me (seriously, I am not looking for pity here, it's just how I feel.) so I begin to imagine signs that he is losing interest in me. I get paranoid, then I get upset, and then I say stupid things which I quickly regret. And sometimes these things cause problems when there wasn't one in the first place, I was just imagining it. I make him feel bad and although I always apologise very quickly and I have explained my problem to it, and despite how understanding he seems and how he seems very quick to forgive, I am scared it'll build up resentment. I'm scared I am such a difficult person that it'll end up decaying his feelings for me.

 

Tonight for example I was talking to him online as he was on a short break from some revision for his course. He was gaming at the same time but to be fair he didn't know I'd be online at this time and had already started when I signed in. I told him I was feeling bad about how I'd been these last few days (especially bad, I was stressed for uni deadlines and I took it out on him a bit ), he told me not to worry and that it was long forgotten. But when he went back to his revision he said something like "May I be excused?" and it seems a bit...well, cold. I have no idea if this is just my paranoia or if my previous mistakes are beginning to make him cold.

 

My question is, am I sabotaging my relationship? Does it sound like I am just being crazy and paranoid? Is it already starting to ruin things or do I have a chance to stop it spiralling downhill? And how can I control my stupid worrying mind? Help would be extremely appreciated.

[skittlesfae]

Your situation sounds extremely similar to mine, although my self esteem and confidence is starting to get better it seems. But still fighting with it. The thoughts of 'is he not into me' keep coming up and some of the things I say come out horribly wrong and he puts himself down over it. Soo I know you feel.

 

One thing I try telling myself is that if I just keep being the same old "awesome amazing perfect me" [as he keeps calling me] then he can't lose interest in me. And if he does, well then I'll just draw him back in by planning/doing something interesting, or seeing if maybe I've gone distant or something, and just take a good look at myself. [Obviously without changing for him, but rather being who I enjoy being, which he enjoys]

 

As for what he said when he went back to class... I wouldn't look to hard into it. He might have just been distracted, thinking about his class and all he has to do perhaps. Or maybe he was just trying to be funny, or say something different, be a bit polite maybe? I don't know but, try not to nitpick at every little thing he says and does, some things are just said or done without any intention or purpose behind them, any underlying thought or anything... It just simply is. I have a hard time with this myself, I look at every minute detail and wonder what it means, when sometimes I just need to accept that it's maybe nothing.

 

If it REALLY is bothering you, maybe you could mention it, in a light non-accusatory way. Maybe just point out that it struck you as odd, and you were just wondering if it meant anything or if it was just one of those 'just there' or 'just because' type of things.

 

And, as for 'sabatoging' your relationship... It could be possible. He might get a bit annoyed having to constantly assure you everything is fine, and not to worry... Buuut, then again maybe not. I know how hard it is NOT to worry about things, because you want to make sure you don't mess up maybe. But if you get a thought like that, try looking at it in your own head to think of what all it could mean, before bringing it up with him. I could save myself a whole lot of trouble by doing that.....

 

Hope I helped any.

[Unknown1607307972]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I think it's most likely that he was just trying to be funny and there's this rational side of me that trys to say that I'm being crazy but I can't stop the stronger, paranoid side of me from doing this.

 

These last few nights I've even been dreaming about him wanting to be distanced from me and it's horrible

[skittlesfae]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I think it's most likely that he was just trying to be funny and there's this rational side of me that trys to say that I'm being crazy but I can't stop the stronger, paranoid side of me from doing this.

 

These last few nights I've even been dreaming about him wanting to be distanced from me and it's horrible

Sorry you keep having those dreams... That must be horrible. I dont have dreams often, and when they do they are of more movie-like resemblance than anything, stuff you'd find on SciFi with no significance. *urghh*

 

I know the paranoia though, trust me, I have to fight it constantly. I'll be wanting to question something he does, not out of distrust but out of curiosity mainly and just to clear stuff up and make sure that I'm not doing anything wrong or to upset him, but then I'll force myself to shut my mouth and think about it a minute... And usually I come up with very logical reasoning for all of it, something that proves/disproves my thinking in a positive way....

 

Sometimes you have to go with the paranoia though, sometimes it's right... Especially if there are signs that are feeding that paranoia. Which is when you take a step back, and 'look before you leap' so to speak. Basically, try not to assume. More often than not I find I'm wrong though, because I think way too much too often.

[Unknown1607307972]

I just spoke to him about it, simply saying I was a little worried about things and basically just said if there's ever anything wrong I'd want him to tell me so we could work it out before it becomes a big thing, and vice versa. Once again, he told me that he loves me and that I don't need to be worrying and agreed that if ever anything was wrong he'd talk to me. Then he moved on to talking about something totally different. He was pretty light hearted about it, I guess he's getting used to my paranoia.

 

I agree with your 'look before you leap' theory. I need to learn to pause and think rationally about things, think what is most likely and then nine times out of ten the thing I was planning on saying would have landed me in trouble and was based on an imaginary problem. Like once I imagined that he had another girlfriend too even though this was based on something stupid about his facebook status as "In a relationship" but not saying who with. Then I thought about it and reminded myself that he'd have to be going out very late to see this person as he's talking to me online most nights, his best friend knows about me, his family knows about me and are meeting me soon, he didn't cheat on his ex even though he wanted to break up with her for months and he gets very upset if I'm feeling bad and he thinks it's anything that's his fault. Because I'd thought enough about it I never said a word to him. It's a listing technique that usually works with me but I often forget to do it.

 

I just hope I can make sure things keep together, he's been accepting and is a very forgiving person but I sure as hell don't want to push things too far. I'm still worried about it.