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Just found out-3 yrs later-my exh CHEATED ON ME.


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Long story short-my exh's sister-in-law, who I hadn't seen in years, is now his EX sister in law, because my exh's brother cheated on her, then dumped her.

 

Anyway, I reconnected with the ex s-i-l on facebook. We've had a few very pleasant chats. Tonight was NOT SO PLEASANT.

 

She told me that my exh's brother told her that my exh HAD AN AFFAIR on me (I had NO idea about this-didn't suspect a THING) and to justify it, he claimed I'd had SEVERAL affairs on him.

 

My head is spinning.

 

First off, I would never have cheated on my exh. NEVER. I've never cheated on anyone I've been in a serious relationship with.

 

Secondly, I just want to know when, with whom, etc. I know it doesn't help to know those things. I just feel like I want to know.

 

People say, well you've been divorced 3 years, what does it matter.

 

Believe me, IT MATTERS. I was betrayed on a HUGE level. It matters also cuz this horse's a** made me feel like our problems were MY fault, because I developed an anxiety disorder later on in our marriage, and it was hard for him to deal with it, which is why he dumped me. Oh, and he dumped me a few weeks after I'd gotten out of the hospital from a drug reaction where I almost DIED.

 

My family, when he was divorcing me, kept telling me he was bad for me, I am better off w/out him etc etc. I wouldn't listen. I idealized him in my head.

 

Now I am so angry and what can I do? I did send him an angry email. Maybe I shouldn't have done it, but I feel it's the least he deserves.

 

I don't think I've EVER been in a rel'ship where someone hasn't lied to me and/or done crap behind my back. How am I supposed to trust anyone??

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Very sorry this happened to you...at least you are free from this guy and won't have to deal with his rotten treatment of you.

 

In my next relationship there will be only 4 things that will end the relationship on the spot and those things are:

 

1.cheating

2. lying

3. hitting me

4. drug/alcohol problems

 

I will make my requirements known once the relationship starts getting serious.

 

I have no time for games...if he cannot deal with my requirements then bye-bye....I will dump him right that very moment. I have only felt love once in my life and he walked all over it and believe me I won't allow that to happen to me ever again.

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i'm sorry you are hurting so much. what your ex did is unfortunate and just plain wrong. i'm so sorry he didn't treat you with the kindness and respect that you deserve. you don't deserve being cheated on, or being left during a moment of difficulty in your life. the bright and happy part of this is that you are divorced - you no longer have to deal with him! i know you can find better and i'm glad for you that he is three years out of your life.

 

i know it is hard, but he's a jerk. he will never give you honest answers, so i think you should try to stop looking for them. knowing names and dates and faces will probably make things worse, not better for you. right now, you've divorced him and you've started to move on... don't let him drag you back to the hole you were in when he left. you don't deserve the heartache or the sorrow.

 

it's hard to trust again, but not everyone will be like him. you learned a lot from your relationship with him (your posts demonstrate that), and you learned where the line is for someone else with you. of all things to come from your marriage, that is an important lesson to have learned.

 

my thoughts are with you right now... i know what it is like to want to know the whole ugly truth (i've pushed things with my ex, too)... but it ends up hurting more. let him go for good, write him off as a mistake, and move forward with your life!

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I spent 12 years of my life with this man. I thought I knew him! I thought he was loyal, responsible, trustworthy, kind, considerate...the first 6 years of our marriage were the happiest of my life. I feel like I didn't even know him.

 

It occurred to me that maybe my friend isn't telling the truth, but I don't think that's the case. At one point, my exh even asked me, if my panic attacks were because I did something shady I didn't want to tell him, like have an affair. I thought this was the WEIRDEST question. I couldn't understand why he would even ask it.

 

Now I think he must've asked it either because he was having an affair, or because he wanted to have one and wanted to justify it.

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Thanks for your reply. Here's the problem-I did this as well. Did it stop any of the guys from engaging in those behaviors? No. They would just do it behind my back and lie to me. This happened w/my most recent ex when I told him, doing coke is a dealbreaker. So, he did it behind my back. And I was too naive to notice that, gee, every once in a while he'd sleep from 8p Friday night til 4p Saturday afternoon-maybe there's a reason other than depression for this?

 

WTH are we supposed to do? I had no SERIOUS red flags with my ex-h. He was wonderful in the first 5-6 yrs of our marriage. He did not seem to me to be the type to cheat; plus, he expressed disgust at cheating behavior in other men.

 

I don't even know how to believe anyone-I feel my radar must have been off.

 

Very sorry this happened to you...at least you are free from this guy and won't have to deal with his rotten treatment of you.

 

In my next relationship there will be only 4 things that will end the relationship on the spot and those things are:

 

1.cheating

2. lying

3. hitting me

4. drug/alcohol problems

 

I will make my requirements known once the relationship starts getting serious.

 

I have no time for games...if he cannot deal with my requirements then bye-bye....I will dump him right that very moment. I have only felt love once in my life and he walked all over it and believe me I won't allow that to happen to me ever again.

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I spent 12 years of my life with this man. I thought I knew him! I thought he was loyal, responsible, trustworthy, kind, considerate...the first 6 years of our marriage were the happiest of my life. I feel like I didn't even know him.

 

 

i would have described my ex as loyal, kind, loving, and considerate for the first few years we were together, too. that was part of what bonded me to him so quickly - i thought from the start that he would never hurt me, that he was gentle. he changed. it hurts to accept, and it's still crazy to me that he probably cheated on me. he lied to me quite a bit, even about things that didn't matter... i think once they start lying, it is hard to stop.

 

remember those years as good. accept what happened, but don't destroy your memories with what has come out now. you survived the divorce and him leaving you at a very difficult time, you are string enough to weather this. he may not have been smart enough to appreciate what he had, but don't internalize his mistakes... you didn't do anything wrong, he cheated, he lied, and those all reflect poorly on him and NOT YOU!!

 

if you are anything like me, you're going to replay those years over and over again. i know how much that hurts. my advice to you is to save yourself the heartache and accept this as part of the hurt of the divorce, but let it be. it could be that he made this story of cheating up to sound like a big shot - the point is that you will never know, so wracking your brain may all be for no good reason.

 

love yourself and take care of yourself now. you received quite a blow here. give yourself time to take it all in.

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my ex changed from all of the positive adjectives on your list to all the opposites of them when he started gambling and doing coke. he lied to me about stopping both. it's hard to draw lines and stick to them, but in the future, i bet you will put yourself first if you do see warning signs. i hope i will!

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I know it's so hard to give a person your time, love, and devotion and they treat you like the residue left over in the tub after a bath...it's so uncool.

 

Then after that we have shell shock...where we are ducking for cover, because we don't know how or who to trust after we were just blown to pieces because we didn't see the land mine and stepped on it.

 

I used to feel like a POW and if I didn't escape the torture I would have ended up floating face down in the river....good thing we are all born with instincts and once a person is hurt hopefully the next time we end up in someones camp we will be aware of what to look for so this doesn't happen again.

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Yeah, unfortunately, I was in 2 bad rel'ships right after my divorce. The first one was with an abusive narcissist. The second with a guy who I think now might be sociopathic but I'm not sure...he just does really weird, self-destructive things yet his words never match his actions. He plays games with people's heads. He comes accross as very sweet and loving, though, and at times, he really did try hard to please me.

 

He was doing coke, too, and lying to me about it. Once they start doing drugs that you don't approve of, forget it. My ex may be an addict for all I know-I have no clue how many times he REALLY did it. We weren't living together.

 

I don't even think I want a rel'ship now. Not for a long time. Maybe never.

 

my ex changed from all of the positive adjectives on your list to all the opposites of them when he started gambling and doing coke. he lied to me about stopping both. it's hard to draw lines and stick to them, but in the future, i bet you will put yourself first if you do see warning signs. i hope i will!
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Good, descriptive, appropriate metaphors. If I wasn't so sad, I would laugh. But it's too accurate to find funny.

 

I know it's so hard to give a person your time, love, and devotion and they treat you like the residue left over in the tub after a bath...it's so uncool.

 

Then after that we have shell shock...where we are ducking for cover, because we don't know how or who to trust after we were just blown to pieces because we didn't see the land mine and stepped on it.

 

I used to feel like a POW and if I didn't escape the torture I would have ended up floating face down in the river....good thing we are all born with instincts and once a person is hurt hopefully the next time we end up in someones camp we will be aware of what to look for so this doesn't happen again.

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you really aren't alone, sandrawg. there are a lot of us out there who loved the wrong person... a lot of us who struggle to keep out heads up after being beaten down in our relationships. we need to stand up for each other and compare stories so we don't make the same mistakes again.

 

we learn with each passing person and each new day... for example, i'm not going to love someone who forces me to get repeated hepatitis tests in the future! there is one of my new lines...

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Repeated hepatitis tests? Oh my goodness. I'm not even going to ask...

 

you really aren't alone, sandrawg. there are a lot of us out there who loved the wrong person... a lot of us who struggle to keep out heads up after being beaten down in our relationships. we need to stand up for each other and compare stories so we don't make the same mistakes again.

 

we learn with each passing person and each new day... for example, i'm not going to love someone who forces me to get repeated hepatitis tests in the future! there is one of my new lines...

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I am so sorry you are faced with this on top of everything else. Try to be brave I know its hard.

 

At least you now know the truth no matter how hard it is to hear it's best in the end to know as it helps to put things into perspective and for some it can help make sense of some of the unexplained.

 

I am always here

 

Tina x

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