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I feel like im having a breakdown


mr me

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Im starting to have alot of the stuff that i had blocked out comeback to me. Im trying to stop myself from hyper-ventilating. I had an episode of that once and for basically 10 mins i was just besides myself with grief. Im starting to see when my ex broke up with me that all my fantasies and dreams of the type of life we would live together were over. Also a much bigger issue is the bubble i lived in growing up completely broke. I never understand how my ex could genuinely say she loved me and all of these other things i know she meant and just change. It really was insane to me because something we would always bring up was that we would be happy with each other for the rest of our lives if we didnt change. I honestly felt like for the 1st month i was crazy. I just felt like nothing was real because i was just living in a really messed up world. I had to talk to her to try to understand why she treated me the way she did. It was like the whole time i knew this person and she just completely changed. I think it has alot to do with her being abusive and abused. I think people like that have like totally different personalities. Im supposed to see that the person she is now is who she really is but i dont seem to want to see that she isnt the person i fell in love with. Also more importantly that she is still the same person that loved me as much as she did.

 

This whole time i just cant seem to deal with the reality. Its something that happened to me that i still dont know how to cope with. I really dont know how to cope with my life in general. I just see it as mostly all depressing. Ive struggled this whole time without really feeling like i had a reason to live after the break-up. I just lived to live and now hopefully i can live to see myself get thru all my problems. I just have a hard time actually thinking that things will ever be different. Ive always had what i consider a very troubled life. I used to think that my life would be different because i wanted it to be different. Its just now i see if you dont have the right things around you like people and anything that can help you with life that i dont know if i could really get to where i want to be in life. I guess ideally i really wish i just didnt have to deal with the nonsense of all these problems that just continue to happen to me. I know that who much is given much is tested but it doesnt have to be this miserable. Ive only been happy during the time i was with my ex but she also was really screwed up to me as well. It also was really crazy because i had such a tough time in that relationship but the break-up was the absolute worst thing that ive ever been thru. Im still a mess in alot of ways from it. Im just now taking some steps to get myself out of it.

 

Alot of the time i would have to tell myself that what happened to me didnt happen. I dont know if it was denial but its really kinda crazy to say now i went thru all of this madness, so now i have to try to do the best i can to live a regular life again. I still cant believe she would be with someone else. I still cant believe that this is really happening to me. I still cant really believe that this is really my life. I cant even talk about my life in basically any way that i can think of and make it seem like it isnt that bad. All i see is that i have the small things in life. I have a place to live, food most of the time, a place to sleep. Its just i dont know how you try to enjoy things in your life when you basically thought that everything you ever wanted in life was going to happen or was going to be better. I guess i cant see how my relationship was in a rational way but i know that the pain im in is almost inhuman.

 

I know that my natural personality isnt helping me. Im stubborn, over sensitive, and really critical. Those are the 3 traits of difficult people and i have them all. I also read a list of the traits of people who commit suicide and i had all of them. Its just with even all this against me i still am alive and am still trying to do at least something with my life. I guess i at least still want to because for the most part i havent been able to do much of anything. I really sometimes just wanted to go crazy because i thought at least that would be easier. Im just trying to see that i know i need to deal with this somehow if im ever gonna be able to live a better life. Its just so much of me doesnt even know how to begin. I end up just going back and forth thinking that i want to get over her and then i dont. Its just i really hate that part of me that doesnt. I know that some people have read what i wrote and see that im still in this kinda place where im not dealing with the problem. Its just my mind has things blocked out. I dont really see myself being able to deal with the fact that the one person i thought i had in this world turned out to hurt me as deeply as anyone could ever hurt someone else. I also know that there are people that think that maybe i shouldnt be doing what im doing write now with saying all the negative things that are going on with me. Its just thats what i need to do so thats what im doing. I just write stuff like this because this is usually the stuff that really bothers me because i know they dont understand or see things the way i do. I also used to be that way but im trying to let people be hurt if they are hurt because for the most part i just write here when i cant seem to be able to do anything else to help myself. I at least am trying so if anything at least see that because it might not be what you think i should do but its something. I also see that some people might see that i shouldnt even say anything but i really dont see myself being able to hold in stuff like this anymore. I just hope that there is more to my life then just having to go thru one crazy problem after the other.

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I don't know if this helps you, because I have no answers. BUT I feel the exact same way as you. I just came out of a yr and a half rel'ship full of drama and hurt and pain--I'm still dealing with trying to heal from THAT--and tonight I find out something so gut-wrenching that I can barely process it. I posted about it--my exh cheated on me and I only found out tonight (we were together for 12 yrs and he divorced me 3 yrs ago.)

 

I am realizing that every man I've been in a serious rel'ship with, has either lied to me or hid things from me or cheated. I don't feel I can trust anyone anymore.

 

I don't take this on myself--I mean, I was never perfect in any of these unions--well, that's not true--I had this one very abusive ex who I was pretty close to perfect with, ironically enough, but I know it's not my fault these things were done to me. I am a very attractive, smart, sexy, interesting woman. I have no idea why these men treated me like this, but it will make it very hard for me to trust in the future.

 

Like you, I feel like I'm going through "one crazy problem after another' and I'm wondering, is this just what LIFE IS???

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Well i think it always helps when other people see that they arent the only one going thru times like this. its really sad that people can be hurt so much in life. I know you are just trying to help me so idk if i should say this but i would try to see if possible if anything that you are doing is attracting these people. I know its kinda painful especially when your doing bad because even with me its really hard. Ill give an example i felt like my first two exs were like my dream girls but at the same time they had so many messed up issues. I try to see that i sometimes try to be this perfect kinda dream guy but it kinda hides me from my problems i guess. I just think i meet people that i had the perception of things being almost perfect but deep down it wasnt. Im still struggling with that but i know its true. Its just hard when i have so much pain to really see things like this. I just hope that maybe it might be able to help yourself. I just wish it was easier to help myself because i could really use it.

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No clue what I may have been doing to attract these kind of men. They are all different, and this is from the time I was 18 until now.

 

My first bf was actually the best relationship--BUT he cheated on me. We got over that. Then when we were breaking up, he told me he had a 3way with 2 friends of mine behind my back and never told me about it.

 

My 2nd serious rel'ship was my exhusband.

 

Then an abusive narcissist. He was trying to hook up with other girls behind my back the whole time we were together.

 

Then a guy much younger than me who has no clue how to have a healthy rel'ship and has lied, hid things from me, does drugs, etc.

 

With the last 2, I had some red flags in the beginning. Not so with the 1st 2.

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Well im not sure really what to say because thats alot to go thru. I know that people attract people into their life but like u said they were all different so im not sure what you could do. Do u think you have ever had a good example of what a guy should be like? I know for me i really thought my first 2 relationships were girls that were going to be good to me because they had alot of things i was looking for as well as alot of things in common. Its just i dont really think ive ever had a good example and probably just have an ideally perfect person in my head that probably isnt real. The only other thing i could say is maybe to give urself some time to heal and become a better person. I just dont know if your like me and like the comfort of a relationship so its really hard but im at least trying to deal with it.

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Feeling like a failure, mum? This i...
Feeling like a failure, mum? This is what you need to hear

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