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pushed her away....how to fix it?


lostinthesun

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I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point so some details will be left out. EDIT: so much for that....sorry for the long read.

 

This girl and i had been talking as friends for a few months. Both are intention where clear from that start. She just wanted to take things slow. I agreed. Over the course of 3 or so we had are up and downs as we weren't only friends but e weren't together. Made things gray and thats when problems occur.

 

From the best of my understanding. I kept being hot and cold with her and she had a hard time trusting my true intentions even though she was pretty crazy for me. So she kept holding back. Which in turn i would then hold back. So like i said we had a lot of up and downs. We finally got on the same plane. She started to open up. I took her out on a VERY nice(very expensive) date for her B-day(We've been out a quite a few dates before, but never a dinner date like this before). The night goes well, we spend the later half of the night with some mutual friends. At the end of the night we have a talk and she says she still doesn't think she is ready for anything more yet. I asked her if i was wasting my time she said no. We then hug each other by and end up start kissing(only the 3rd time we've kissed). And i guess since i stilll had her words of "not ready yet" stuck in my head i stopped kissing her and said "bye" and walked away.

 

We had plans for the following day. She cancels. And seems distant the next few days. I find out from a close friend of hers that i'm friends with that she felt like the date was a bit to much and that she then felt pushed away(Guess from when i kinda stopped kissing her and kinda stepped back and just said bye). So shes really confused.

 

I get really drunk during this time one night out with a bunch of friends and call are mutual friend that she is with and kinda freak out and break down on the phone with her. I tell her i'm not yelling at her but just yelling in general and i just need someone to vent to. So obviously she tells some part maybe all of the things i said "i don't even really remember as i was really gone that night". I then get a phone call from her a while later but didn't see it till the next day. She left me a very angry message. I call her back the next day and apologize and everything. Told i may come over later but i end up not being able to. I don't her from her for a few days and she ignores some of my calls/msgs.

 

I then talk to are mutual friend again about the whole thing and this when i find out about the whole date deal with her feeling like it was to much and feeling pushed away.

 

So i was NC for about a week with her at this point. I call her and she doesn't answer. She calls me back a few min later, but i wasn't able to answer the phone as i had full hands. Just walked in my door. She then calls back immediately. I answer and we decided to hang out the following day at her house.

 

Following day. We have to push it back to later in the eveing due to some dilemma she was having. First she didnt know how long it was going to take and then about a 1.5 hrs later she said she was home and i could come over.

 

I go over we bs for a few minutes about nothing. We get some food and a movie. My main purpose of the night, "which became my demise" was i wanted to just talk to her about the past few weeks. She apparently didn't really care. She was wanting to get physical. Guess she was just going to let everything slide for the time being. She waited till after the movie to display this. Ever since i got their we didn't even hug or anything. "A note here: We where having such a good time i kept putting off talking to her about us and was just enjoying the normal conversation and joking around as we hadn't done that in weeks." I sit down next to her but make sure not to touch her as in i don't want to do anything right now but talk. She sees this and then lean comletely away and says to me, "i don't understand why people play games and act like they like someone, but then act like they don't".

 

I kinda became offend by that as i was feeling like it was her doing that. So i kinda snapped back saying, "i hope your not talking about me". She then says, "no i'm not it's just something i was talking to someone else about today". (This was a complete lie as i asked her about this the last time we talk about us, "few weeks after that night" and she said it was just something that was ont the tv at the time she asked it. Which it wasn't b/c i was watching the tv just as much as her at that point.) So that was the night. about 20 min later im' leaving and I finally brought everything from that past weeks up and she had no answer for anything. Only thing she would say is lets talk about this another time i'm to tired for this now. So i just left it at,"i just want things to go back how they where before you birthday". To which i just got "a blank stare".....great

 

So she blows me off anytime she does respond to me at this point or just plain ignores my msgs. Finally i just show up at her house one eveing and we talk about everything. Find out she it kinda seeing someone now. She was talking to this other guy here and there while we had been talking. The mutual friend told me though that she was way more into me then him. Which was obvious up until just after her birthday, the gears seemed to change from me to him then.

 

*Forgot this. I told her i realize things i did wrong and apologized for them. And asked if i could have a second chance to prove wrong her doubts about me. She said yes she believes in second chances but she cant right now being she now has feelings for someone else.

 

So i left her house and txt her saying sorry i showed up like i did, but i just had to talk to you about everything.(I know stupid, but i couldn't stop myself from saying it)

 

So i went NC from that point on.

 

One month later are mutual friend asks me if i've talked to her and used a phrase that i last said to the SO as i walked out her door. The friend always greets me in a paticular manner. So i knew that they had talked about everything. i tell her no and change the subject. At this point i could have gave two * * * * s about her.

 

She does this again again ever few weeks, which about how often i talk to her. Still the same on my end. Why should i? she broke it off...

 

Come X-mas i hear she ended it with him and she msgs me on x-mas i reply but we dont say anything else. I msgs at 12 on new years, she replies right away. But i dont say anything else again. I msgs her the next day and we agree to hang out when she gets back into town the following week.

 

She gets back i just setup a quick public meeting during a lunch break. She cancel last minute. Set the same thing up the next day. cancels again last minute. Call her a few days later and she is busy for the next week but has some free time at the end off the week. Says she will call me. Never hear back from her.

 

So FINALLYY YAYAY! the end my question...ugh sorry i typed all that. vent...? guess thats it.

 

I really care about this girl and we had some bad communication and she does have issue trusting guys and a whole host of other things. But they are her faults and thats just her. Everyone has faults.

 

I feel like we both made some mistakes and i see them and i just want to figure out how we could at least be friends again. It seems like she is not sure if she can trust me again. 70% of her ex's treated her like * * * * from what i'm told so thats the whole trust issue i guess. Obviously the goal is for us to have something, but if it doesn't work i would rather be friends with her. I usually stay friend with past flames so thats nothing new. Going to repeat this if i didnt already say it. I'm trying to figure out how i can fix the whole mess.

 

I know people are going to say it one-its, but i don't feel it s. Ive met more women in the past few months, than the past year. But didn't feel the kinda chemistry that her and i had with any of them.

 

For those of you that read all the way through, i really appreciate it and sorry about the typos i tried to keep it clean as possible.

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Wow, what a fiasco. I think text messaging screws up a lot of communication- feelings cannot be easily conveyed in text. And it is too available, even at times that may be poor choices to communicate.

 

If I were you I would call her and ask if she would like to go out, then take her to dinner or a comedy show or an upbeat play or for drink where there is live music if you live in a city. If not, just ask her to do something outdoors or go for lunch and to the zoo- what I am getting at is take her to do something fun that you can laugh and talk about.

 

Then I would NOT go over everything that happened and your feelings, but maybe just say- I really like you and thought maybe we could start over trying to get to know each other. And give her a big smile.

 

And if she is not available for a date, move on. There are a lot of fish in the sea, and we always remember the one that got away as being better than it really was. Could it be that she is so attractive to you because she is not easily won? Rather than for her stellar qualities? The fact that she couldn't talk openly with you when you went to her house for a movie was not great. You have to be able to talk.

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I agree with what berrypatch says, I am in a similar situation but possibly not as bad. Like already said ask her out be open with her if she agrees to meet you ask for a clean slate and forget about the past. If she continues to blow you off try and (i do emphisize the try cause i know how hard it is) move on.

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WOW, I am also in a VERY similar situation. The only difference is that we dated for 8 months (a serious relationship). She ended it two months and it seems like her and I have had the EXACT same dynamic/relationship you and your girl seem to have. We have fun together. We have gotten closer. She initiates contact, makes plans, even kissing and cuddles and stuff of that nature, but when issues of things getting more serious, she gets scared and pulls away.

 

My advice to you is the same advice I am using in my situation. It's too NOT push too much. Enjoy your time with her and remain independent (easier said than done, I know). The key is to live your own life and don't act like you're making her a priority. Try and build some good moments with her, without feeling the need to actually TALK ABOUT where you guys are at and where you're going.

 

The only difference between yours and my situation is that your girl was seeing another guy, where mine wasn't/isn't. That probably added to her confusion and indecision. PRESSURE if done too early or too often will push away GUARANTEED. Try and ease up, which I'm sure you have seeing it's been months since you guys have seen each other?

 

I would go back in again and just act cool and be easy going. Piece of advice for you is to not just SHOW UP at her place again. You have to learn to respect other people's space and boundaries. That was you forcing/imposing yourself on her.

 

Thing that confuses me though is that you never REALLY HAD HER. You guys were NEVER in a relationship. She never wanted to commit. She could have commitment issues and it could be quite deep routed. She sounds like an independent type of girl, who may be scared to lose her independence, so don't act like you are trying to make her give THAT up if you and her were to have something together.

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I am too in a somewhat similar situation. I dated a girl too soon after my separation when I was not really ready to date. I just did not want her to get away and in the process I pushed her away a couple of times but we managed to get back together. The last time she said that I needed to move on and find someone else. That was in December. I am trying to give her space and respect her decision. It is extremely difficult to do. The crazy thing is that I am ready to date and to try and really have a relationship and she does not want this. I guess the timing was just not right. I am not giving up on her, but I am respecting her wish to have space. I think you need to do the same.

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Sorry about your difficulty and confusion and pain.

 

It sounds to me that from the beginningnshe told you she isn,t ready and there was nothing wrong with you backing off at that point. Even if it made her feel trejected. You were trying to protect yourself, as she was by saying she isn't ready.

 

Then you go to her house "as a friend" because to me it sound slike you are interested in this person, not just looking for an easy time. But then if I understand correctly, she takes it as you not really caring because you don't come on to her (u said she wanted to get physical). Well tell her form me (I am female), that some women have a bad tendency to think that a proof of love is a guy trying to * * * * you. At the same time we feel that we don't want to be used. We are confused. So unless you acted rude or cold to her, I don't see how you going there to hang out with her and watch a movie, as opposed to trying to get into her pants, makes you "not showing her interest" like she claims...

 

Then she keeps ignoring your msgs and calls and she is seeing someone else. It doesn't sound like she is really interested or available.

 

Oh and do you remember what you said to her when you were drunk and called her and yelled? Maybe you hurt and scared her... I would apologize to her for that.

 

And tell her clearly what you feel and want and need and ask her to do the same. If she won't tell you, she obviously is not worth your time or feelings. Move on with NC then. Just my opinion.

 

Take care

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I agree with what berrypatch says, I am in a similar situation but possibly not as bad. Like already said ask her out be open with her if she agrees to meet you ask for a clean slate and forget about the past. If she continues to blow you off try and (i do emphisize the try cause i know how hard it is) move on.

 

 

See thats the thing i did move on, but starting about a month 1/2 later the mutal friend keeps trying to get me to talk to her. So that kinda flipped the cards so to say.

 

And by her agreeing twice to meet up, she must have changed her mind. Not to mention the fact she was actually talking to me and answered my phone call.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and do you remember what you said to her when you were drunk and called her and yelled? Maybe you hurt and scared her... I would apologize to her for that.

 

 

 

I called the mutual friend and yelled. And the first thing i said when she answered was "ok i'm going to yell, but im not yelling AT you it's about the situation, ok?" She says ok, and then i pretty much blew up for about a 2 minutes strait.

 

She was like ok, "well i dont know how to answer any of that."

 

So that ended that convo then.

 

 

 

Everyon else thanks for the replies. I left out a lot of small things, becasue if i put them all in there it would be amost twice as long. They are all mostly all good things.

 

One other thing. The reason she didnt want anything at first was i met her 1 month after she just got out a LTR and the guy was getting very physical with her in a bad way at the end. And wanted some time to be on her own. And apparently shes only had 3 or so relationship before that guy.

 

Thanks again!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey everyone. Had another question. I talked to her the other day and asked her out to lunch on Sat.(Yes, i know V-day) She replied with, "Saturday?"...."thats Valentines day..". To which i said yeah i know, but it's just lunch. First she said she can't shes busy. When i pushed it again(in a friendly manner), she then said. "I'm kinda seeing someone and have plans all day". I then just said "ok" well keep in touch. She also made a comment on how it's been a really long time since we've seen each other, sounded as if she was kinda mad about it being so long. One thing was good is she seemed to enjoy the conversation besides the whole lunch part.

 

So this has brought me to this last ditch effort. I talked a good mutual friend about her which she told me a lot of useful things about her, but she doesn't know anything about her from recent times as they haven't been in touch. The mutual friend i talked about from the original above post is actually her sister. She has helped me out with understanding her before and she was always trying to talk to me about (her sister and i) when things were still good.

 

I spoke to her the other day for a while on the phone for the first time in months. I casually brought up her sister and i, but she didn't have much to say about it. But earlier that day she was asking me about her through IM(Like she does almost everytime we talk on IM) and i just ignored the question as i wanted to talk to her about it more length than just IM'ing. So i'm not sure what the deal is with that. Also she told me that she doesn't know of anyone she is seeing. Not saying she couldn't have JUST met someone.

 

So i was thinking, the only thing i can really do at this point is tell her something of the Sort, Tell her how much i care about her sister(Which she pretty much knows), and i know i messed up. But i really miss her and i will do what ever is needed to get her back. Also part of the reason for the wording goes back to a conversation we had back a few months ago and she was drilling me, asking "How much do you really miss her", she just kept asking me that over and over and wouldn't answer my question of why it mattered.

 

So i just wanted to some opinions on taking that route as i'm not sure what else i can at this point that wont piss her off for sure. Maybe she needs a little space again. Or maybe she did meet someone and wants to give it a try first.(I do know though that i kinda pissed her off with a comment i made when i talked to her last month, but i would think she would be over it as i said sorry and i didn't mean it like that). If thats the case i think i would have to try and make some kind of move other wise she could end up with this other possible person for god knows how long. And i don't think i'll be willing to give it another try if she comes back around in a few months. I've been thinking about her way to much these past two months and i can't really take this limbo much more. I need some type of direction and if i'm thinking about her, everything points at her. And I don't feel that desire to try to meet someone new. Which i know is bad, but i'm just that crazy about her i guess.

 

I hope i didn't miss anything important, but i think that covers the main points.

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Do you think that if she wanted to try to get together she would have made time for lunch? I do. And if she is seeing someone else, then she is seeing someone else. And if she is not, she lied to you.

 

She knows where to find you if she becomes single and yearns for you. And whether or not you are available or interested at that point, she will have to take that chance.

 

I know that you want to go and see her and make a pitch for your relationship, but she knows already that you still care. At this point that would be kind of overkill.

 

So, really, at this point, I would say NC.

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How to Forgive Yourself for Wasting...
How to Forgive Yourself for Wasting Time

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