Getting married in 2 months - freaking out

[OccamsSpoon]

I'm 31, she's 32. We've been dating 3 years, engaged 1 year. We live together and are supposed to get married in just over 2 months.

 

Sorry ahead of time for the long long post.

 

We fight a lot and have had a lot of bad experiences together - she was clinically depressed for the first 14 months we were going out, to the point of self injury. She recovered a couple years ago and hasn't seen a recurrence, but I think it scarred a lot of the beginning of our relationship (she forced me to let her move in with me after 9 months, even though I was against it and not ready, but she said she'd probably end up killing herself if she had to live with roommates and couldn't afford to live alone).

 

Just as she was mostly recovered from being depressed, she started pressuring me to get engaged. She wanted a bracelet that said I'd ask her to marry me within a year. I was not at all ready to make a commitment to ask her to marry me at that time, and I tried to tell her that, but it made her so upset, nearly throwing her into another depression. So... I gave her the bracelet, hoping that we could work through our problems. I did love her, but we fought so much and were so unhappy, I didn't know that I wanted to commit to spending my life with her.

 

Fast forward a year - I'm supposed to ask her to marry me (end of the year during which I said I would). I'm freaking out because we're still having problems. I love her and we have good times, but still have a lot of bad times, too, so I'm not ready, but when I try to talk to her about it she gets really really upset, so I just bottled it all up... eventually it comes out that I am not sure about getting engaged and she gets really mad, because she'd ask me if I was ready and I lied and said I was (I was scared to tell her I wasn't, and didn't know how to talk to her about it).

 

So... we end up getting engaged anyway (if we hadn't, she would have left me, she said as much in as many words), but it ruined the engagement, which should have been happy. We went to stay in a B&B, but it was tainted by the huge blowout we had when she found out I'd been lying about being ready, so we have no good memories about getting engaged.

 

Fast forward a year to now. We still argue a lot, and we both feel like the other one isn't very nice much of the time. However, she still loves me dearly. I broke down last week and told her I'd been unhappy, and wasn't sure about getting married. It totally ripped her heart to shreds. She'd been so happy that we were getting married.

 

I think she's always loved me more than I've loved her, but I do still care about her a lot, and since we talked about how unhappy I was, we've been being a lot nicer to each other and having a much better relationship....

 

But I'm worried. We're supposed to get married in 2 months (very small wedding, just immediate family), and I'm scared that we're just going to go back to the way it's been for 3 years, with me unhappy all the time... except I'd be married.

 

It's pretty much at the point where I have to marry her or leave her. We already moved the wedding from October, since I wasn't ready to marry her then, and she has said we can't move it again... and I don't blame her. It wouldn't be fair to her, since I've already made her move it.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like either decision I make is possibly the worst decision of my life. If I leave, am I giving up a life with a woman who loves me more than anything else in the world, and who, for the most part, is very compatible with me? Not to mention the fact that it would destroy her. If I stay, am I doomed to be unhappy for the rest of my life, or possibly having to go through a divorce later anyway?

 

It's sad, but I think it would be so much easier if she didn't love me and depend on me so much. I would just leave, and hope to find happiness elsewhere. But she loves me so much, and leaving would destroy her, and she's right that we do have good times together, and maybe there isn't someone else out there who's better. But I should be happy to be getting married, and every time I think about I feel like I'm approaching impending doom.

 

Any advice is much appreciated.

 

-OS

[SexyAimz]

Ive been in a relationship before where the guy depended on me, and i felt i couldn't break up with him in case he fell to pieces.

 

We still had some goodtimes but your life is for YOU to live HAPPIY.

 

getting out of that relationship gave me a new lease of life, and i felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Im so much happier now.

 

i think the fact that you were forced into having her move in because of her depression is the first sign that where you are in your relationship is way ahead of where it should be.

 

I know it's hard, but i really don't think you should be getting married and need to tell your partner exactly how you feel.

 

Tell her what you've told us. Getting through the tears and pain will be worth it.

 

It's not fair on either of you.

[annie24]

i think you need to be true to yourself. i don't think it would destroy her - it sounds like you two have some friends and family, they can help her through it. you really don't sound like you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman. i think it's better to break up now rather than later.

[bulletproof]

If you read the stuff above, what would your advice to someone else be?

 

You cannot get married. Staying with her because you fear hurting her is not good for either of you. What if you have children? They will be innocent victims of an unhappy marriage.

 

She is wrong to manipulate you by saying things like she will kill herself if she has to live with roommates, or getting really upset when you express your feelings. You are wrong to be so passive and complacent about your own life and happiness that you submit to these manipulations.

 

Please don't marry her. You both deserve healthier relationships.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are two major issues going on here:

1) She is insecure, needy, controlling and manipulative.

2) You are very passive and just cave in to her manipulations.

This is a recipe for a terrible marriage based on co-dependence.

 

If I leave, am I giving up a life with a woman who loves me more than anything else in the world, and who, for the most part, is very compatible with me? Not to mention the fact that it would destroy her.

 

The reason you should want to get married to someone is because you love them very much and they love you. I don't see the part about you loving her in this quote above. Sounds to me like you are a follower. See unhappy you are now by going against your gut feelings, caving in to her demands and manipulations and not properly communicating to her how you are really feeling for fear of reprisals...now see yourself 10 years from now but married to her...this is how your life will be...probably even worse.

[SexyAimz]

If you read the stuff above, what would your advice to someone else be?

 

You cannot get married. Staying with her because you fear hurting her is not good for either of you. What if you have children? They will be innocent victims of an unhappy marriage.

 

She is wrong to manipulate you by saying things like she will kill herself if she has to live with roommates, or getting really upset when you express your feelings. You are wrong to be so passive and complacent about your own life and happiness that you submit to these manipulations.

 

Please don't marry her. You both deserve healthier relationships.

 

Well said!

[Hope75]

i think you need to be true to yourself. i don't think it would destroy her - it sounds like you two have some friends and family, they can help her through it. you really don't sound like you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman. i think it's better to break up now rather than later.

 

 

I agree with this. Being bulldozed into a marriage is only going to make you resent her and yourself all the more and spells disaster. Better you walk away now then get pushed into a marriage you clearly don't want. You are NOT responsible for her well being or her life- and for her to manipulate you by saying she'll kill herself if you don't do what she wants is self and unfair. I had an ex who pulled that crap too and I left him. He did try to kill himself that night and our neighbor found him and called 911 but ultimately I had to recognize that it wasn't my fault and it wasn't my responsibility- he was an adult who made his own choices.

 

You need to do what's best for you.

[ErikT]

So to sum up your original post:

 

She loves me so much, that she was willing to leave me if we didn't get engaged. We have so many good times, but we always fight and you are unhappy. You have no good memories about your engagement and you are not looking forward or excited about being married.

 

And your question is should you get married??!?!!?

 

It's time to face reality. You (for admirable reasons) put her happiness ahead of yours and are now in a position where she is actually calling your bluff.

 

It is time to sit down and have a heart to heart with this woman and let her know that you do not want to get married and that if she wants to break up so be it.

 

I have posted several times that I don't believe that a relationship should require so much work and that if it does, than you need to reevaluate the relationship.

 

More importantly, in the future you need to stand up for what you want, what you believe, and what is best for you, not other people. Again, while your intentions are admirable, the consequences will overwhelm you.

 

Erik

[bulletproof]

You (for admirable reasons) put her happiness ahead of yours and are now in a position where she is actually calling your bluff.

 

I disagree that his reasons are admirable. He has stated that he is worried he won't find someone better, which makes me suspect his primary motivation is fear. I think he is afraid to leave her because:

 

A. Doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy

B. Doesn't want to be alone

C. Fears never finding someone who loves him as much

 

I think he is using her manipulative nature as an excuse to do nothing.

[OccamsSpoon]

I disagree that his reasons are admirable. He has stated that he is worried he won't find someone better, which makes me suspect his primary motivation is fear. I think he is afraid to leave her because:

 

A. Doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy

B. Doesn't want to be alone

C. Fears never finding someone who loves him as much

 

I think he is using her manipulative nature as an excuse to do nothing.

 

B isn't true. I've been alone most of my life and was ok with it. I enjoy my alone time a lot, and wish I got more of it. But A and C are absolutely true. I hate being the bad guy. It kills me to hurt her (or anyone else). And C... yes, I am afraid that I'm throwing away the one person who loves me more than anything else in the world.

 

Fear is my primary motivator right now, for sure. I know that, but it doesn't make me any less fearful.

 

It's funny... I don't think of myself as a wuss or a pushover, but I do have something of a complex of making people want to like me and not being the bad guy.

 

-OS

[Hope75]

B isn't true. I've been alone most of my life and was ok with it. I enjoy my alone time a lot, and wish I got more of it. But A and C are absolutely true. I hate being the bad guy. It kills me to hurt her (or anyone else). And C... yes, I am afraid that I'm throwing away the one person who loves me more than anything else in the world.

 

Fear is my primary motivator right now, for sure. I know that, but it doesn't make me any less fearful.

 

It's funny... I don't think of myself as a wuss or a pushover, but I do have something of a complex of making people want to like me and not being the bad guy.

 

-OS

 

Read what you just wrote though- those are not reasons to marry someone.

 

If you don't want to let her go you can tell her that you are not going through with the wedding and let it be her decision if she stays, but honestly with what you've described she sounds like she will leave, which will probably be for the best.

 

If you do go through with the wedding for reasons you describe I see this ending very badly. Deep down I think you already know that or you would not have posted. Now, you have to decide what you are going to do about it.

[OccamsSpoon]

Thank you all for your responses. I know you are right, it is just so hard for me to do. I think of myself as being logical and rational, but it all flies out the window when she is there in front of me, crying, hurt so deeply by me, and wanting nothing more than for me to love her and stop hurting her. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

 

She's in a bad place right now, she has nearly no support network - just a couple friends in the area who barely take the time to talk to her besides an occasional email, some online friends (who care and talk to her, but let's face it, they're online friends, and not nearby). Her family is an hour and a half away, and too poor to help financially or even to come up for more than the day for emotional support. Plus, she doesn't feel like she can lean on them emotionally... they don't know she was suicidal, just depressed.

 

She doesn't make a lot of money and wouldn't be able to afford the apartment we're in if I left, but she can't move to a tiny apartment she could afford, because she needs room for the inventory for her online store. Plus, she's had persistent pain in her hip for 9 months that's affecting her ability to do her job (she's in pain all the time, and standing/walking around for long periods of time, like she needs to for pulling orders) and she's already pretty depressed about that (which I can totally understand - the pain is making her life miserable). We're not sure what to do with the leg, it may require surgery, and she's totally crazy scared of that - she hates doctors and hospitals anyway, and consistently has had bad experiences with them.

 

I know it's her life and she has to deal with it, but there are a lot of things that just make it ten times worse for me to leave her, and makes me fairly certain she will be suicidal afterwards (I started to break up with her once before, during her depression, where she did attempt suicide). She's not clinically depressed now like she was, but she's really hurting already, and there's a ton of reasons for her to think there's no way out.

 

I know that's not a reason to get married, but it does make me, also, feel like there's no way out. Doomed if I do, doomed if I don't, just different dooms. Of course, personally, financially at least, I'll be ok if we break up. I make a decent wage and have friends and family nearby if needed... but to swing a big axe into her heart, not to mention the possibility of suicide, makes it almost impossible for me to do.

 

Is my life really that bad with her? No, not at all. I didn't list all the times we laugh together, love together, do fun things together... and all the wonderful little things she does for me, to show me she loves me. I love seeing her laugh and be happy, it makes me happy. Seeing her smile lights me up. It just feels like there's not enough of that to counteract the times we argue.

 

The worst thing is that for the past few days, things have been good. We're both trying to be careful about not fighting, and talking things out, and she's really trying to be happier for me. So now I feel like I'm giving up when she's trying to do better.

[mentee]

what do you guys argue about?

 

i hope you see the codependency in your relationship .. perhaps before making any decisions you should read 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie ..

[Hope75]

Than why did you post about this if you are happy with her and want to marry her?

 

It sounds to me like you are making excuses for why you need to stay with her.

[annie24]

Someone once gave me good advice- not to do things or make decisions based on fear. To me, it sounds like you are getting married out of fear, not love. Think about it.

[OccamsSpoon]

what do you guys argue about?

 

i hope you see the codependency in your relationship .. perhaps before making any decisions you should read 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie ..

 

I've been told we're co-dependent before. I think that's probably true. I should probably read more about it, since I don't really know what my part in that kind of relationship would be.

 

We argue about stupid crap most of the time... she'll say something that could be taken as an attack (but could not be), I'll justify my actions, she'll get upset that I'm being defensive and thinks my justification is equivalent to me not listening... I'll get upset because she doesn't want to let me speak my side of the argument...

 

That's the majority of things... sometimes I'll say something and she'll feel like I said it in a nasty way, and then we'll argue about whether or not it should have been taken that way.

 

Like I said, stupid crap, but it happens all the time.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is a case where pre-marital counseling might really do a lot of good... It can either help you both learn how to fight fair (and hence fight less), or help you recognize that the marriage is not a good thing.

 

And if she verges on suicidal etc. then she really needs to be in counseling, with you and/or for herself. You shouldn't be her counselor since you are not a professional, and enabling someone who is mentally ill rather than getting them help is like trying to practice medicine without a license. So if you really want to help you, you'll suggest pre-marital counseling, and perhaps personal counseling to get her the help she needs with her depression/suicidal impulses.

[OccamsSpoon]

Well, I told her that we need to work on our problems before we get married, and that I didn't think 2 months was going to be enough time to figure things out. It broke her heart, she was so happy to be getting married, and I'd promised that we would, over and over. And now I've yanked the rug out from under her. She had said she'd leave me if I tried to postpone the wedding... and now she's stuck... she wants to stay, but how can she respect herself if she doesn't leave me after I've hurt her so much? And this happened with the engagement, too, and she said the same things then... how can she respect herself if she stays with someone who does this to her?

 

I told her we're both codependent, and she admitted she was (after looking it up, like I had to). But she thinks we can work on that in the next two months and continue working on it after we get married, since, as she says, you never finish working on yourself and the relationship.

 

But I just don't think I am comfortable saying that in 2 months we'll have fixed enough of our issues that I will be ready to marry her. Which brings us back to postponing and her wanting to leave because of it.

 

I don't know what to do. We're both miserable. I feel terrible for hurting her, and unsure that I did the right thing, and she feels like I've betrayed her.

 

I slept on the couch last night, for the first time ever. She said she would have left except there's a snowstorm today.

 

She said she's 90% sure it's too late for us, and I think I agree. I've hurt her too many times by lying about being happy and yanking the rug out from under her at the last minute, and she's stayed with me against her better judgment every time.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Look, she's not a child and you the parent. Life is full of disappointments and changes, and nothing is engraved in stone. People postpone weddings all the time for a variety of reasons, and if postponing the wedding (or even breaking up and cancelling) is what you need to do, then do it. She needs to learn to act like an adult, not a child.

 

The real issue is that you're not sure that things will change enough to get married, and until you are sure the problems are resolved, you shouldn't marry. Getting out of a marriage is a huge and expensive mess, so better to be really sure before you get into it.

 

You need to do what it right for the long term, not just the short term 'don't rain on her wedding'. there should be no wedding if the marriage isn't right, plain and simple.

[OccamsSpoon]

Thank you. I needed that.

[annie24]

Look, she's not a child and you the parent. Life is full of disappointments and changes, and nothing is engraved in stone. People postpone weddings all the time for a variety of reasons, and if postponing the wedding (or even breaking up and cancelling) is what you need to do, then do it. She needs to learn to act like an adult, not a child.

 

The real issue is that you're not sure that things will change enough to get married, and until you are sure the problems are resolved, you shouldn't marry. Getting out of a marriage is a huge and expensive mess, so better to be really sure before you get into it.

 

You need to do what it right for the long term, not just the short term 'don't rain on her wedding'. there should be no wedding if the marriage isn't right, plain and simple.

 

yes - i agree. now is the time to look at the BIG PICTURE (ie, the next 50 years of your life, if this is who you want to be with) vs. her not having her wedding day. this is a big decision, one that should not be entered into lightly or with any reservations.

[Purusha]

I wholeheartedly agree with what everyone on the forum has been saying.

This is a wholly unhealthy situation to be getting married in, and the test of true commitment if you guys want to work it out is to get some help dealing with your collective and individual problems and reclaiming power back into your respective lives.

If that means that you come out and decide you do want to be together great, if not, you've empowered and given each other the respect that you deserve and you'll be in a position to allow each other to move on.

It sounds like she has major problems that she needs to deal with, and you need to get the strength to be yourself - if she's not supportive/understanding of your need to have your own identity and not bow to her requests then she's probably not the best person for you to be with. Maybe spending some time apart will get some perspective on the situation and also for you to get a modicum of your self esteem back and consider that you may be worth the time to stop and listen to, instead of bowing to someone elses desires.

Good luck with whatever you decide, just don't leave it too late to grab life by the scruff of the neck - you're here to have your experiences and you're not responsible for anyone else getting theirs. Stay strong and be true to yourself.

Best of everything to the both of you xx

[Circe]

If I leave, am I giving up a life with a woman who loves me more than anything else in the world, and who, for the most part, is very compatible with me?

 

Well, not more than her desire to be married.

 

And how is she "very compatible" with you? You said you fight all the time? Not really a sign of compatibility let alone great compatibility?

 

Of course I don't think marrying her given how you feel would be a good idea..

[lovemycoffee41]

Back away from the engagement!

 

Seriously though, from reading your post this is a bad idea.

 

It's not up to you to make her happy. She is in charge of her own emotions and she makes her own decisions--she is cruel and manipulative to use "I'll try to kill myself if you don't let me move in with you", "Buy me this bracelet to prove you'll marry me in a year or I'll kill myself". You need to realize she is in charge of her own life and you are in charge of your happiness and no one else's. You need to be excited about your new life together, not tie yourself to her in some legal mess if (when) you realize that this isn't what you want or is healthy for either of you.

 

I'm sure you guys love each other, but let's face it you already know everything that's been said here. It's not healthy. Doesn't mean it couldn't be with some time and counseling, but you definitely think carefully before marrying her.