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handling issue of future kids during dating (men 30-40)


LAYAAN

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alright, I need guidance.

I mostly talk with men in their 30s 33-37 some outliers at age 40,30,31. In my profile I've clearly mentioned "want kids?" "maybe". Over and over I'm bombarded with men stating "I want to settle down n have a family." Fine. I'm not judging anyone. I am not saying who is right/wrong.

These are my feelings- I am open to the idea of having kids. Whether adopted/my own with my partner. But today if anyone asks me how many kids/when? With all honesty I can say "I don't know yet." Having kids is a serious n mutual decision. I want to enjoy the marriage relationship and be able to form a bond with my husband first. Then 1-2 yrs into marriage I would like to think about having kids when my husband and I feel that we are comfortable taking that step ahead. When we feel we have made the right decision of marrying one another, we are emotionally, physically and financially prepared to bring a child into this relationship."

What can I do to say "look, this is what I think" or should I state it in my profile that I will think about kids after 1-2 yrs into marriage?

I don't know what I'm caught into, I improve on 1 aspect of my dating life, another one crops up.

Note - Men bring up this topic. Not me. If they do, I do state my point in a calm tone but firm manner. And please don't call them idiots to talk about this in 1st phone call. Most men at the age of 32+ are dreaming about wife, kids, dog, home.

My Q is how can I state this is what I want and ask if they are up for it or not?

thank you

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This is a tough call. Your honesty is admirable. Guys have the clock running on them also and may feel that they have a better chance if they show how serious they are and secure by wanting children. Maybe if you put "Perhaps Someday" for the question you might get your point accross better. I would agree it is a little early to bring up future children on the first or second phone call. I like your honesty and many men will also. Continue down that path and you can't go to wrong.

 

good luck

 

lost

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I really got scared when some men I went on date with would look at kids playing, babies in their craddle, and go "awwww.... how cute! Don't you think they are so adorable." I can't have any conversation with a man whose biological clock is ticking away like this.

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Wow CAD! a breeder huh? Never heard that before. LOL

 

 

lost

 

 

Yes, and once they produce the baby, their reward is "The Breeder's Cup". LOL.

 

To the OP, your response sounds rather clinical. How about: "I see myself having 1 or 2children after first having a year or two to enjoy newly married life with my husband"..or something like that.

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Yes, and once they produce the baby, their reward is "The Breeder's Cup". LOL.

To the OP, your response sounds rather clinical. How about: "I see myself having 1 or 2children after first having a year or two to enjoy newly married life with my husband"..or something like that.

Yes, this sounds good. Thank you.

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Doesn't matter whose clock is ticking, the man's or the woman's, discussions of child-rearing goals are way premature in early contact. Turns everything clinical inevitably during what should be an exciting time. People online who have highly defined goals in this respect should post it clearly in their profiles, not quiz their prospective dates before meeting.

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When I did on line dating I avoided the men whose profiles indicated "not sure" about having kids and I never found it too early to raise the topic (although I wouldn't right away except maybe very generally).

 

I like CAD's suggestion the best - strikes the right balance you're looking for. Good luck!

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When I did on line dating I avoided the men whose profiles indicated "not sure" about having kids and I never found it too early to raise the topic (although I wouldn't right away except maybe very generally).

 

I like CAD's suggestion the best - strikes the right balance you're looking for. Good luck!

Batya, do you mind sharing why did you avoid such men? Did you suspect that were married, had kids, n were hiding it?

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I put "not sure" on my profile primarily because of the possibility of meeting a great woman who already had kids, or of meeting one who couldn't have children due to menopause or other physical reasons and didn't want to adopt. That little field on the profile can be misconstrued in so many ways. Best to discuss it in the text of the profile if you have strong feelings. Prospective child-rearing is a third date or after topic for me.

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Batya, do you mind sharing why did you avoid such men? Did you suspect that were married, had kids, n were hiding it?

 

Because I definitely wanted kids and by the time I was 35 (when I did most of my online searching) I wanted them in the not too distant future if at all possible. I completely respected men who didn't want them or weren't sure but knew they probably would not be an appropriate match for me. And, on a practical level I had plenty to choose from as most men indicated they definitely wanted children.

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I really got scared when some men I went on date with would look at kids playing, babies in their craddle, and go "awwww.... how cute! Don't you think they are so adorable." I can't have any conversation with a man whose biological clock is ticking away like this.

 

aww... really?!?!?!

 

clearly you are meeting men that are something

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