seeing the ex for the first time... tomorrow!

[davo1066]

HI there I'll try and keep this brief. My girlfriend of 6 months (at the time) went overseas to work on a ship. It was to be for 6 weeks but the money was good and she kept extending her stay. We could hardly be in touch at all and it was pretty hard, mostly we were just arguing about when would she be back. After three months she emailed me to say she couldn't do it any more, she was drunk and some guy kissed her and she felt really bad and also didnt really know when she would be ever coming back and so she wanted us to be just friends and maybe some time in the future get back together.

 

She tried to call me a number of times to explain more but I never picked up and there followed a month of pretty heartfelt emails about the relationship and I told her that I had loved her (never told her before). Then, by random fate her job ended and she was sent home and we have been gradually building up contact. I said I wanted to see her, I just miss hanging out with her, we used to have so much fun though I also maybe want to get back with her. She told me for the first time that she had been in love with me too and the feelings are still there but now she is confused. The other day we had a great conversation and planned to meet up and somehow it became a planned weekend away in Italy (split costs). But we decided before that to meet up just for a day, tomorrow! and hang out and see how things go. I know she wants to go work on a ship again, she has the travel bug real bad, but if she loves me and I love her can't we find a way to make the LDR work this time?

 

How should I act when I see her? Just like friends or tell her I want more? Or should I just use the meeting to say goodbye properly and save myself more heartbreak?

[Nifty_Swifty1]

I know it's hard, but you just have to chill and let things happen. It's like playing chess. If you move before considering the entire board, then it won't be long before you move into a trap. Sorry for the analogy, but I'm gong to stick with it for a moment. There is a check mate in 5 moves, but you only get that if she lets you. Most games last for many more than 100 moves. Her saying she's confused tells me that the mate in 5 is out, and you're going to have to go at this slowly. Just meat up and have a good time. Make sure she knows that you love her, but don't stick on it for more that a second or two. Just keep playing and hope you both come out the winner.

 

I know that was cheezy, but I have to be that way at times.

[Beec]

The first question is what do you want? If "her" is the answer, then you need to figure out how to get her and keep her.

 

The things is that the good things you did for her, probably worked, otherwise she would not have been in love with you. Figuring out what that was is not the easy thing to do. However, you cannot and should not just jump into a bf (boyfriend) role tomorrow. She is not your gf and you should not want her to be if she is not going to have any comittment whatsoever to you. So, you have to be less than a bf to her. You should also not jump into "just friends" role either. You need to walk a thinner line, much similar to the line you walk when first dating.

 

You need to indicate that you are interested in the bf role, but she needs to be interested in taking on the gf role for you to consider being her bf. If she doesn't want to be your gf, then do not give her any bf benefits (no kissing, no sex, etc.). Most of this should be down through your body language and implied. You must talk like a friend who is flirting. How would you talk on a second or third date, what is the level of intimacy that you would use? It's similar in that you know there is a mutual interest, but not how much of one. Don't tell her flat out, unless she asks. Even then give avague answer.

 

If you become "just friends" so she has no idea about whether you want her sexually, then you risk being put into an area in her mind which will make her effectively consider you as castrated. Be a friend, allow no sex, but hint that you would like some, and make sure she know she ahs to committ to the gf role for her to get any.

 

The other thing you need to think about is her desire to make a living at sea. I did it without being unfaithful for a few years. But the minute she got so she didn't trust me or complained about me not being around, then we were on the rocks. You acting that way and fighting with her about coming home was you being needy. If you want a woman (or a man) to be yours, you need to remain aloof and independent to some extent, especially when in the initial stages or jsut restarting. But in your case, you need to let her know that going is ok for now, but she also needs to come back. A message of "I can take you being away for so long, but after a while absense is not making the heart grow fonder. Stay away too long, and I will have to cut you loose. Do you see that this message was the opposite of your arguing with her about coming home. You probably begged her to come home, when you should have been just telling her that you were ready to cut her loose. Don't ask me why we work this way, but the reverse psychology seems to work.

 

Tonight, you should be doing some research.

[davo1066]

thanks for that guys. I take your point about playing it cool. It's hard becuase all the breaking up was on email, on the phone we have almost been like nothing happened, just chit chat, so it almost seems like we aren't broken up, though we obviously are.

 

Beec, re the other thing, the sea life and distance, the problem is I did that approach last time, I basically said I thought she was great and worth waiting for but couldnt wait indefinitely. And that's when she got angry and told me recently on the emails that she didnt like how I was implying come back or its over and thats where she was in her head when this guy kissed her and she broke up with me.

 

Any more advice anyone? I'll check in again in the morning before I go meet her and give an update after if your interested

[Beec]

Davo,

 

Your are missing the distinction I tried to make. There is a big difference between:

 

Come home, come home, come home because I NEED you.

 

and

 

Well, ok stay, I don't need you and I can find someone here to meet my needs.

 

So if you had told her "Hey, are you ever coming home? Because if you are not, let me know so I can find someone to date that I will actually see," (I am not saying used those words, but implied that message.) then your chances would have been much better.

 

Of course give us the blow by blow and the update. Us amateur analysts and conselors want to know if we are doing a decent job.

[davo1066]

Well guys I took your advice (well some of it) we mert up, today in the end, and i played it like you said. A bit flirty in the texts before hand, but then when we met I was really friendly but casual. Wasnt sure how to greet her , didnt want to do a 'friends' hug nor go for the kiss so just said hi, which i think threw her a bit. Unlike all our emails and phone calls, all day I didnt mention the relationship at all but just acted like we were good friends but with a bit of flirting and compliments.

 

Got in the details on the good stuff in my life, made it clear I had plans that didnt include her, for holidays and so on, but at the same time listened to and helped her with some problems she had been having with work. I think she had been really worried it was going to be a 'heavy' 1st meeting between us, but instead it was all fun. We got a bit drunk. Anyway, she started expressing doubts about the ships, expressed keen interest in the weekend away together idea, gave all the signals of attraction like sitting fully facing me on the sofa and so on, acting a bit nervous and deferring to me in all choices (she used to be a bit bossy)and we spent the last half hour before her train, kissing like it was our first date. She called me just b4 she went to bed to say goodnight. She said it felt like we never broke up and hadnt been apart for over five months!

 

I know I need to be careful, especially re your advice Beec about drawing some lines and not being used, but i think it is safe to say it was a good start. Thanks guys!

[bamster]

It's nice to hear a good ending like this! It gave me some hope! Good for you and the best of luck! I just hope the same thing happens to all of us!

 

p.s: I couldn't keep myself from texting my ex again today! Just a casual hi, how are you stuff but got no answer yet, which has made me feel even worse!

[davo1066]

I know exactly what you mean bamster - about the no reply. It's like you're missing them and you think nothing can be worse than that so you text or email thinking they will reply and make you feel better.. and then they don't and you feel ten times worse. There's a post somewhere else on this forum about security tennis and that's exactly what it is. I used to make the mistake when she replied of replying right away again so I never got to enjoy the ball being in my court.

 

As to my situation now, well I promised to keep you up to date and well it still ain't too promising. She's driving me nuts. After the kissing and the smooochy texting that night we met up, I felt I had to call her the next day or she would think I had regrets, so I did and I invited her out again.

 

I know it's moving fast but I'm on a time limit here, if we don't patch things up in the next few weeks she'll be off on another ship and the chance will be gone for good.

 

But as soon as I make this gesture of inviting her out she starts playing hard to get. She said it sounded good and she would let me know (I suggested 2 evenings, tonight or tomorrow). So fastforward to 4pm today and still nothing from her! I crumbled and called her again. And she was like, yeah I was about to call you I thought I could come tonight but I can't - she has a job interview tomorrow first thing which she did warn me might happen. So I was like, what about tomorrow then, and she's like 'I'll let you know.' I said 'Are you just making excuses?' and she's like no, no I want to meet up. I'll call you tomorrow. Jeeeeeeeeeeez why can't she just say yes, or no?

[Beec]

Why can't see commit to seeing you this week? She's not doing it because you are chasing her. Stop it. Don't call her, make other plans, be busy.

 

If you want her, you need to show her interest, then withdraw it. If you are full on, always showing iterest, you have shown her your cards and she knows whether or not she can win you at anytime. Withdraw a little. On and off, on and off. Never on, on, on.

[davo1066]

You're right Beec, she just emailed (emailed!) to say she's not coming tonight either. Says she's stressed and confused and doesn't want to waste my time when she's feeling like this. Completely the opposite of the happy person she was on Sunday. She says maybe we can do something next week. Thing is, I know that if I don't contact her, she won't. She's too shy, she'll think I'm mad at her. But if I do contact I'm chasing her again!???!

[davo1066]

I blew it. I just lost my patience. I could have handled it playing it cool maybe if not following on from a 5 months distance relationship. But I was like, now she's back, I want to get things moving. So I completely overdid it and said if she didn't want to meet up this week then we probably shouldn't see each other any more... ever.

 

Is this a retrievable situation?

[davo1066]

What really gets me is right at the end she was still saying 'I'm so confused and stressed, I don't know about us' BUT SHE HAS BEEN SAYING THAT SINCE THE END OF NOVEMBER! I just don't get how it is possible to go out with someone for 7 and a half months, then for a month be saying you're not sure, break up, for the next two months still be saying you're not sure even though your broken up, then kiss and have a great time together and a few days later STILL be saying you're not sure?

 

It's like, what would it take to make her sure????????????

[Beec]

What it is probably going to take, if you make it work, is for you to remain aloof, vague and independent while playing on her emotional triggers for a while. Man, you had her, you had her going down, then you decided to sabotage yourself and take a dive. get up off the canvas and back into the fight. Nothing is knocking you down but yourself.

[davo1066]

I feel like Rocky afteer he's been battered by a huge Russian

 

Well she finally replied to my goodbye forever email. She said she didnt meet up bcos she was jealous of me meeting another ex gf on the weekend, ,that i had told her about, and she was angry about it. She said it could be goodbye if I wanted but she really enjoyed the day we had together. She said she can't bear it to be goodbye but she doesnt want to make any promises about getting back together either so maybe we should say goodbye. She signed off 'Love...' in her email for the first time since the break up (as I did for the first time in my goodbye email).

 

She's going on the ship real soon. I said just now maybe we should meet to say goodbye and talk things over before she goes - I'm waiting for a reply. I guess the approach to take is to be cool about her going on the ship, let her know its OK for her to do that. I suppose my goal should be to leave things so that when she comes back for good we can see what happens then. Or is there any point in trying to get back together just before she goes, so we go straiught back into an LDR? I don't wanna lose her. I feel that if we are both single she'll meet someone else on the ship, but if we are 'together' I have more chance of lasting it out until she's back. Or am I just dreaming?

[majord23]

dav,

You have got to take control here my friend.

Your 'Goodbye' email, I suspect, was a ploy to get a response from her and you weren't actually saying goodbye at all.

That's all well and good...we've all said and done things just to get a reaction, but the very fact that you have now suggested meeting up is sending *her* mixed messages.

 

On the one hand you are saying goodbye forever...and the next thing you are asking to meet up. She may start to suspect that you are fishing for reactions...and that isn't a good thing.

 

As hard as it is mate, you've got to let her go on the boat and see what happens.

Reconciling before her trip will be a step in the wrong direction - it sounds as though she is unsure about being in a relationship right now...and entering a LDR just before she goes away will actually push her further away from you. She will feel trapped, and more likely resenting you (subconsciously) for being the one to make her feel that way. So don't see you guys both being single as a bad thing....it is giving her the freedom to come back to you by her own choice, rather than feeling pressured and 'held back' by you whilst she is away.

 

Be honest with her before she goes. Tell her how you feel, how you understand why she is going away, and that while you would like to think that you will end up together...that you are not sure how *YOU* will feel when she comes back.

That's the key mate....make it sound as though it will be YOUR decision not hers in regards to getting back together. You have made her feel secure enough, and she has made you feel insecure in return. It is time for you to turn the tables, regain some control....and make her a little worried about losing YOU for a change.

 

Good luck mate

[Beec]

 

 

Dave, kiss her goodbye, let her think you will be free to get soemthing else and be scure in that if it meant to be, it will. Your threat for her to some home was not being secure, but the opposite. You should just have said this is not working at this distance, goodbye for now, call me when you get back, whenever that may be.

 

Now you should say, I am sure it won't work well while you are gone, I cannot be an on and off again bf, so call me when you think it can be otherwise. Ciao. That is acting aloof and secure.

[davo1066]

Well it was an interesting goodbye. Cooked her a meal and we talked properly for the first time face to face about the relationship and she came out with all this stuff about how she thought I was like her last bf who basically didnt love her anymore but carried on with her for ages for the benefits and she got really upset and admitted she still loved me. She said she felt like I was trying to put her in a cage the last time. And I said I still love her, and she stayed the night and it was great but she is still going on the ship tomorrow though she was crying all morning. I think she doesn't know what else to do jobwise and she doesn't want to stay in one place the rest of her life. She's terrified of another LDR, said it could ruin what is left of us and I had to agree. I did as you suggested (well apart from being aloof) - I said, i love you, do what you;ve gotta do, call me when you;re back, maybe I won;t be here but maybe I will and we can see what happens and she said she would like that and it would be better than being tied to something she had to come back for because of a promise. She wanted to stay in touch the whole time though and was upset I said I can't do that. I felt really bad but I have to do this for me.