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Aoiumi

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My ex and I have kind of made up and are back together, but I have a general question about dating...

 

My boyfriend lives 45 minutes away from me. I always drive to see him so we can hang out at his house. I still live with my parents and they don't like him so he doesn't like to come here. When I go to his house, he pays for the food we eat. Is this a fair trade? Should I expect him to drive 45 minutes to take me to his place and pay for dinner and take me back home? Am I being taken advantage of?

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You would be taking advantge of him.. if you wanted him to drive 45 min one way to pick you up.. and pay for the food...

 

if he picked you up.. it means he would have to drive it 4 times...

 

considering you live at home.. its fair.. plus you only have to drive there and back.. so its only twice...

 

if you had your own place then it would be fair, for you guys to alternate whos house you guys will be at...

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Because he is 10 years older than me and he doesn't have much money. They don't think he can take care of me.

 

 

thats funny, thats what my guess was gonna be.. most parents dont like when their daughter is dating an older guy...

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Because he is 10 years older than me and he doesn't have much money. They don't think he can take care of me.

 

Im seeing someone who is younger than me. Sure she's only 18 and im 21 but i dont think a bigger age gp would be comfortable.

 

I'm not poor and knew her long before i came into what i have now.

 

But 10 Years older is (in my humble opinion) weird.

Unless you are over the age of 25.

 

I think your parents think you are not in a safe environment with someone that could potentially be a bit estranged.

 

I think theres a bigger issue about who pays for dinner going on.

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I think it sounds fair enough to me. You drive there so you can spend alone time together while he provides food or takes you out. If you're 20 for example and he's 30...it would be pretty uncomfortable hanging out with parents nearby...especially if they don't like him. 45 minutes doesn't sound like a long commute for something you enjoy that much.

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I think what you start doing a comparison of who does what for each other, it's a sign of bigger problems going on.

 

I go to his house

He helps me with my homework

I help tidy his house

He helps me ride my bike

 

 

Its a classic case of the "what i put in, is what i get out".

And its an immature way to look at a relationship.

 

I'm sorry, but from what you have put, i agree with your parents.

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I am 27 and he is 37. My friends think it is ridiculous that I am always the one driving to see him and they say he owes me dinner and gets no points for that.

 

 

Any reason you are still living with your parents at 27? To be honest, he can't come to your house, so what's the big deal?

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thats funny, thats what my guess was gonna be.. most parents dont like when their daughter is dating an older guy...

 

I'm more concerned as to why they're raising her to think ANYONE should have to take care of her. Why isn't she taking care of herself? After all, she is still living with mommy & daddy.

 

The age difference isn't the issue at your age -but why you are living at home and having your parents dictate your friends and relationships sure is...

 

Bingo!

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I still live at home at 27 because I just can't afford to get a place of my own yet. I am paying off 6 years of college and my job doesn't pay much. In any case, my parents are very overprotective. The last guy I dated hurt me very badly and I didn't handle it well, so they have gone overboard with my current boyfriend. If I even mention his name, my parents say something negative. They look down on me for spending the night at his house, saying they raised me better. And my closest friends say he doesn't treat me like a princess because I seem to them to be doing more for him than he does for me. My family and friends are driving me crazy. I am happy with the ways things are with my boyfriend for the most part, but there is a part of me that wonders if I'm just caught up in love and am being naive. Which is why I wanted to know if, from a neutral person's point of view, it seems like he is taking advantage of me.

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My family and friends are driving me crazy. I am happy with the ways things are with my boyfriend for the most part, but there is a part of me that wonders if I'm just caught up in love and am being naive. Which is why I wanted to know if, from a neutral person's point of view, it seems like he is taking advantage of me.

 

It sounds like your family is influencing what you think of him. Cut them out of the equation for a minute, are you happy with him?

 

I don't think he's taking advantage of you.

 

And my closest friends say he doesn't treat me like a princess because I seem to them to be doing more for him than he does for me.

 

He shouldn't have to treat you like a princess. He should have to treat you like an equal partner. You drive 45 minutes and he pays for dinner. Sounds pretty equal to me?

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The age difference doesn't sound too bad. I'm in a similar case as you Aoiumi. I have been talking to a very nice guy, but there is an 11 years age difference (he is 36 and I am 25). And I also live at home with my parents.

 

To address the living arrangement. I am not sure what culture you are from, but from where I am from it is very normal and actually the “norm” for daughters to live with their parents into their 20’s. I haven’t had any problem with this so far, and it has actually been my mom who has really wanted me to stay and live at home. I think the whole stigma that its “weird” to live with parents once you turn 18 is VERY much an American culture thing (and please don’t bash me because I was born here in the US, lol). Many of my friends are also of the same cultural background, around my age, and they live at home. And their parents wish that they would NOT leave home, lol. Or it can just be for financial reasons. It seems like people would think it is better to be leaving off the streets or in a shelter than living with family! I don’t get it. Having said this, if you still live at home you have to set boundaries and your parents need to understand that you are a full grown adult who will make her own decisions. They can have an opinion, but this shouldn’t mean that they have any right to dictate your relationships and friends. You need to set your boundaries straight with them.

 

I am neighbor with the guy I am talking to so there is no problem of driving for a while to see each other or whatever. This has been a problem in the past though. And I have to say that I tried to make it as equal as possible under the circumstances. I don’t drive, but I would take the train or cab to his area, and then he would invite me to dinner or somewhere. Sometimes he would come and pick me up from my place, and also pay for dinner, movie, etc. I have to say that it did make me feel bad because I felt that I was not contributing, and I think that became a strain later on.

 

As your situation is at the moment, it seems that your arrangement with your boyfriend seems very fair. All I can say is that don’t let your parents or family dictate what you want to do. They do love you, but because they love you so much they wont look at things in an objective manner. Instead, they will want perfection in whoever you decide to date, which of course, perfection does not exist. I don’t think this guy is taking advantage of you! I let my family convince me otherwise a couple of years ago for very similar reasons, and I broke it off with the guy. Biggest mistake I could have made, because now I see that he was not taken a vantage of me at all. Oh well, we live and learn.

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Why did you spend 6 years in college for something that's not very lucrative? Quite frankly it comes down to personal responsibility.

 

You can't expect to get a degree in underwater basket weaving and then complain about your job prospects or think some guy should come along and bail you out, which is what your parents seem to be thinking.

 

You'll never be a full adult/woman until you learn to be self sufficient and know what it really means to be independent. Get out of their house, live on your own, pay your own bills, build your savings, etc. You also have to be responsible for your own happiness and mental well-being. Stop relying on your parent.

 

Come to think of it, looking at things from his perspective maybe that's why he doesn't want to settle down with you? You strike me as an overgrown little girl to be perfectly honest.

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It sounds like your family is influencing what you think of him. Cut them out of the equation for a minute, are you happy with him?

 

I don't think he's taking advantage of you.

 

 

 

He shouldn't have to treat you like a princess. He should have to treat you like an equal partner. You drive 45 minutes and he pays for dinner. Sounds pretty equal to me?

 

Completely agree.

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Why did you spend 6 years in college for something that's not very lucrative? Quite frankly it comes down to personal responsibility.

 

You can't expect to get a degree in underwater basket weaving and then complain about your job prospects or think some guy should come along and bail you out, which is what your parents seem to be thinking.

 

Where on here did she say she was expecting some guy to come and bail her out. She said she was working, just not earning enough at the moment.

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Oww. I am not looking for someone to take care of me. My parents are from a time where the woman stayed home and took care of the kids (what my mom did--she hasn't worked since I was a kid) and the man worked. I'm sure this explains their perspective that the man is the bread winner and takes care of the woman. I have no problem with working and even suggested to my boyfriend that if we had kids he could stay home and I would work. I have a degree in international business and a degree in Spanish--they both sounded good at the time, but finding a job in those areas proved very difficult.

 

I will agree that I need to be more self sufficient in the sense that I could benefit from living on my own for a time. Also, I didn't really start dating till age 25 (I am shy and had a conservative upbringing) so all of this is new to me.

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When He Says He Wants Space | Beginner's Guide

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