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My engaged girlfriend cheated, lied.


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I've been with this girl for over a year was are engaged to be married. Everything was going fine until a few weeks ago.. When she was "re-united" with a guy "friend" of hers from high-school.

 

She wanted to go "hang out" with him. This made me un-comfortable naturally because the guy didnt have a girlfriend and wanted to hang out with mine all day, knowing full well that she is engaged.

 

So, at first I argued and was against it.. and she dropped the question "do you trust me?" I finally i said, yes I love you and I trust you.. so have a good time.

 

So she went and "hung out and watched movies with him at his house while I was busy working".. being the provider.

 

The first time they hung out they didnt have sex she told me, it was the second time. The second time he came over and picked her up the guy and the raw * * * * ing nerve to come into my room and shake my hand as if he was trying to tell me that I can trust him. I am not a violent person.. im a very even-tempered person but this kind of thing just makes me want to literally shoot him and not even hesitate about it. What nerve?...

 

Anyway.. on to how I found out that she had cheated. Well.. she was acting strange and keeping secrets via text message, she would hide her phone when she got a text message.. and all the time she talked about "mark" this "mark" that. All the while saying they are just friends.

 

I was suspicious but had no real proof until I took her cell phone in the middle of the night. And what I found was both of them plotting to hide the truth from me. In the text messages they both admitted to making a mistake and wanted to hide what they had done from me. Megan knew that I knew something was up so instead of telling me the truth she told me that she "liked him" but nothing happened.

 

Then I brought up the cell phone text messages and that I knew everything and that I had read every message stored in here inbox/outbox. She still tried to deny the truth from me.

 

Finally after taking it to the point where I was going to break up with her if I didn't get the truth she told me everything. That she has slept with him and that she didn't think "that it was going to happen".. And the she knows that she made a mistake and she "chose me".

 

I had told her in the beginning of our relationship that if she ever cheated on me I would break up with her so she was scared to tell me the truth because she didnt want me to break up with her.

 

I really love her alot and ive done everything in this world possible to please her in every way that I can. Im a man of integrity.. im loving and even-tempered and im a traditionalist. I really opened my heart for her after not being in a relationship for 5 years prior due to my last relationship ending badly.. when I was a teenager.. my first love devastated me so for some reason even though im in pain I know that I will get through it.

 

Ive thought about it long and hard, analyzing her point of view... its hard to understand how someone could betray the person that loves and cares for them the most in the world for such a selfish act that only lasts for a few minutes.. versus love that will last for a lifetime.

 

I have chosen to forgive her one time, but if she ever betrays my trust again Ill walk away without so much as even a discussion, ill never speak to her again in this life.

 

I knew something like this might happen when I got into this relationship because she is 20 years old and not that mature in many ways yet.. She doesn't quite understand what she will lose when she has lost me until it happens... Almost everyone ive known that has been in a relationship with a younger girl has been cheated on by them. Its just for some reason I believed it wouldn't happen to me.

 

In her point of view.. I think she was scared that I might be the last relationship she would be in and she didnt want to make a mistake by picking the wrong person. Or that there might be "someone" better out there.

 

The fact that she said this makes me sick to my stomach and think that she doesn't really love me.. I think she gets emotional and doesnt really think about what she is saying and what it means to me.. alot.

 

Anyway.. I still love her and want to forgive her and give our relationship another try, perhaps she has learned her lesson from this and will mature and become a better person from it, even though it has caused me so much pain.

 

Ever since I found out, when I hold her at night I think about how much I love her and.. also I feel the pain of the betrayal and it makes me cry.. for hours sometimes. I wish the pain would go away so that I can move on and we can be like before, like this didnt happen.

 

 

Im torn between love and despair,sadness.

 

Also what gets me.. is sometimes she is acting like she is the one that got hurt because of her "guilt" she says she is depressed now because of her guilt.

 

Also, When i found out everything.. I found out everything.. meaning. I wanted to know where they did it, what positions if she liked it, did they kiss use a condom.. every detail.. for some reason I wanted to know every singe detail.

 

She said that she didnt like it and was thinking of me the whole time (???). She says Im better in bed, and a better kisser.

 

When we were talking I asked her why she chose me.. she said because im more secure choice.. I have more money.. and can take care of her.. she didnt even mention her love for me.. it was the last thing she said after I had said that none of that stuff matters.

 

When you think life is going great.. life will * * * * ing kick you in the * * * * ing face and then rape you repeatedly and leave you for dead. I guess I should always expect something bad to happen at the moment when I think all is right in the world.

 

Right now all I want to really do is escape from reality inside a bottle of pills.. I know its not the right thing, but it sure is the easyest.

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She chose you because you are going to be better at keeping her.

She knew you knew something was going on, so she talked to the guy, devising a plan to decieve you, to make you double take, and make you think you was just paranoid, you just found out sooner than expected.

She might change, or she might just find a better way of keeping it hidden. As for his part, he is equally to blame, and I hope you are refusing to let them see eachother any longer.

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She chose you because you are going to be better at keeping her.

She knew you knew something was going on, so she talked to the guy, devising a plan to decieve you, to make you double take, and make you think you was just paranoid, you just found out sooner than expected.

She might change, or she might just find a better way of keeping it hidden. As for his part, he is equally to blame, and I hope you are refusing to let them see eachother any longer.

 

Agree! She shouldn't be allowed to interact with said friend any longer. From personal experience, when a person is constantly mentioning someone from the opposite sex on a frequent basis, you should be concerned! It's usually a sign of infatuation or something like that if you know what I mean.

 

May I ask, how do you know that you will actually go through with leaving her should she cheat again?

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She might change, or she might just find a better way of keeping it hidden. As for his part, he is equally to blame, and I hope you are refusing to let them see eachother any longer.

 

Yah I told her that if she ever sees him again I will leave her without hesitation.. even though I love her I will force myself to make that choice.

 

She is still talking to him on messenger and told me she still wants to be friends with him.. She actually asked me if they could still hang out if i was there? I honestly do not understand what is going through her mind to think that I would say yes to such a thing, in fact if I ever see that guy in person one of us is going to the hospital and the other to jail.

 

I wish I could forbid her from texting him but I cant control are monitor that easily nor to I want to stress my self over it.. She isnt doing a very good job of earning my trust back so far.. but well she mabey she will stop talking to him.

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She should not talk to him, or communicate with him, she is testing to see how much you trust her still, and see how far she can go. She and him are quite (sadly) probably planning to meet up again, once THEY have "gained" your trust. They will again meet up secretly. She Is playing the game. and thinks she can pull the wool over your eyes.

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May I ask, how do you know that you will actually go through with leaving her should she cheat again?

 

I am very strong willed, Im a programmer, that said im analytical minded and understand myself, my thoughts and my actions. I will forgive her if she does it again, but I will never speak to her again.. with that said. You cant have a relationship where only one person speaks. I cant really handle this type of emotional pain again.

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if i can be blunt,

 

marrying this girl would be the biggest mistake of your life. she's obviously not in love with you, and she's marrying you for financial security. While she's got the guy she's really interested in, waiting on the side.

 

For the love of God, do not marry her, she will simply continue to cheat on you, then slap you in the face with alimony after she files for divorce.

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She is still talking to him on messenger and told me she still wants to be friends with him.. She actually asked me if they could still hang out if i was there? I honestly do not understand what is going through her mind to think that I would say yes to such a thing, in fact if I ever see that guy in person one of us is going to the hospital and the other to jail.

 

I wish I could forbid her from texting him but I cant control are monitor that easily nor to I want to stress my self over it.. She isnt doing a very good job of earning my trust back so far.. but well she mabey she will stop talking to him.

 

You can't physically prevent her from cheating on you again either but you made it clear that if it happened, you would leave. She still wants to talk to him & hang out with him? She just doesn't get it. I tell her that if she continues to contact him at all, calling, text or whatever.. then you will leave. I would also tell her that you are not an idiot & will know when she is hiding it from you, & if you even suspect that she is still talking to him, you will leave.

 

By the way, you can check on the cell phone provider's website for your incoming/outgoing calls & texts for the month. So you CAN know if she is still talking to him & I think that she needs to gain your trust back over time by PROVING that she is being faithful. You may have forgiven her but it doesn't mean it didn't happen & you should be expected to blindly trust her after she cheated.

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im sorry .. that hurt my heart to hear that story..

 

just remember u will get through it.. maybe not today or in a week or in a months .. but u will get through it and become a stronger person..

 

imo.. she is 20 years old.. and she isnt ready for something like marriage.. u should let her go, because i think she will just cuase u more pain and her presense will just remind u of the infedility she caused..

 

just my 2 cents

 

good luck bro

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Are you kidding me? She still has the gall to talk to him and want to hang out with him? Do yourself a favor and walk away. She is only going to cause you further heartache in the long run.

 

If she was truly sorry for what she did and did in fact "choose you" she should be doing everything possible to make the relationship right with you.

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if i can be blunt,

 

marrying this girl would be the biggest mistake of your life. she's obviously not in love with you, and she's marrying you for financial security. While she's got the guy she's really interested in, waiting on the side.

 

For the love of God, do not marry her, she will simply continue to cheat on you, then slap you in the face with alimony after she files for divorce.

 

Agreed. Get out before you get legally tangled up with her.

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If you want this to work, there has to be rules in place, and end the wedding until you can trust her, (although I cannot see this relationship working) make sure you can see all texts etc and msn convos, and make sure you read her body language. If it bothers you so much after a set period (to the exact same extent as when you first found out) and she is still behaving in this manner of wanting to see him, then I'm sorry to say, that is the end.

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I am sorry to hear about your girl friend. I hope you at least called off any engagement. You must feel horrible. It was bad enough her ****** her ex. Then she says she chose you. Did she choose you because she loves you? NO SHE CHOSE YOU BECAUSE YOU MAKE MORE MONEY. She doesn't even say she "I love you." * * * ! You can't be serious about forgiving her. Why would chain yourself to her? She is a total ****. Its tough to forgive someone for cheating when they love you. Just how tough do you think its going be when all she wants is your money. You can't be serious about forgiving her. Dump the **** and find someone who loves you for you.

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I am sorry to hear about your girl friend. I hope you at least called off any engagement. You must feel horrible. It was bad enough her screwing her ex. Then she says she and chose you. Did she choose you because she loves you? NO SHE CHOSE YOU BECAUSE YOU MAKE MORE MONEY. She doesn't even say she loves you. * * * ! You can't be serious about forgiving her. Its tough to forgive someone for cheating when they love you. Just how tough do you think its going be when all she wants is your money. You can't be serious about forgiving her. Dump the skank and find someone who loves you for you.

I completely agree.

DO NOT MARRY this woman. what will happen if you lose your job and the "Financial security" you give her is gone? she will leave you, and she will find someone else that earns more money than you do.

You just said you had integrity, you should also have some self-respect and leave this woman.

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Sadly, at 20 she may not be ready to settle down with anybody. Most people do not end up with the person they dated at 20.

 

But this is something you can't ignore:

 

>> she said because im more secure choice.. I have more money.. and can take care of her..

 

You haven't married yet and are probably not old enough to have experience this among your friend, but i know too many guys who marry women who are after a secure lifestyle and don't marry the guy for love, and what usually happens is they have a couple kids, then they cheat with some hot guy (or a bunch of them) while their husband is off earning the money. Then after a few more years of that, they divorce and take the husband for a truckload of child support and half the assets while she moves in with her sleazebag bad boy and takes the kids with her.

 

I want you to sit for a while and think about how you would feel if in 5 years she leaves you for this guy, takes your young kids with her, and you have to pay her child support, give her the house, and half you bank accounts, 401ks etc., all for the privilege of having your kids grow up mostly in their house, not your own, while this man sleeps with your ex-wife and serves as a father figure for your kids. If you marry someone who you know wants you for your money, who you also know cheats, you may be signing up for a lot of heartbreak including that likely scenario. I know too many man this has happened to.

 

My suggestion is that you don't get engaged or marry her for at least 5 more years, to see if she can stay faithful and shows more signs of loving you vs. loving your money and the stuff it will buy. If she doesn't really love you, it doesn't matter how much you love her, it will eventually fail, and you will be financial liable to mail her a child support check until the youngest is at least 18.

 

Better to skip that 'starter' marriage to a woman like that, and find someone who has a true heart and loves you, and is really old enough and ready for marriage.

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If it was me I'd leave her at once. That's outrageous. You now know two things 1) that she has the capability to cheat on you and 2) that she doesn't have a problem lying about it. Rest assured this will happen again.

 

And the fact that she told you she wants to be friends with this guy...that's a slap in the face.

 

R U N A W A Y !

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And the fact that she told you she wants to be friends with this guy...that's a slap in the face.

 

R U N A W A Y !

 

Right, I agree.

 

If she truly did want to work things out with you, she would have cut ALL contact with this guy in order to begin to rectify things in your relationship.

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if i can be blunt,

 

marrying this girl would be the biggest mistake of your life. she's obviously not in love with you, and she's marrying you for financial security. While she's got the guy she's really interested in, waiting on the side.

 

For the love of God, do not marry her, she will simply continue to cheat on you, then slap you in the face with alimony after she files for divorce.

 

 

Yep, this girl is using you. Her cheating didn't just happen, it was planned. She is not in love with you, she just wants security and then she will play around behind your back. I would run far away from her...she is clearly not sorry for what she has done and couldn't care less about its impact on you.

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Thats tough man.. it sound like she wasnt totaly ready to get married, and maybe wasnt in love with you as much as you were with her...

 

sounds like it was planned.. i know its hard but its better it happened now, then when you guys were married.. things happen for a reason..

 

i personally would move on.. dont try to reconcile now.. put some space between you guys.. let her think about what she did.. and she needs to understand.. before even considering taking her back..

 

personally i could never take her back.. once she cheated, the trust was broken.. theres way to many women outhtere that will respect you and care enough not to cheat....

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When we were talking I asked her why she chose me.. she said because im more secure choice.. I have more money.. and can take care of her.. she didnt even mention her love for me.. it was the last thing she said after I had said that none of that stuff matters.

 

Welcome to ENA and so sorry you are going through this. In addition to her behavior, the above is all you need to know. This woman is low quality, and will make you miserable in life going forward. People do make mistakes in life, the above tells volumes about her true feelings about you and her mistakes though.

 

Fact is, when they say things like the above, they are not and never will be worth your time or affection. End of story.

 

I also despise the line of "reasoning" whereby she "chose" you. She has "chosen" 1. comfort for herself and 2. your wallet. You as a human being aren't even in the equation. She inflicted disloyalty into your relationship, did so knowingly and in a calculated fashion. She plotted to lie to you, and possibly continue cheating while milking you for financial support.

 

Mark my words, she will do it again if you stay with her.

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If she doesn't really love you, it doesn't matter how much you love her, it will eventually fail

 

BeStrong is speaking the truth .. that's the bottom line.

 

My opinion is that you should walk away with some dignity and self-respect. Cheating is a dealbreaker for you, yet her cheating didn't break the deal. By staying with her, you're indirectly telling her that her cheating is forgivable. And that is what you did. You've forgiven her for cheating. And she has the audacity to want to continue a friendship with this guy, completely ignorant of how much pain this has all caused you. This is an example of how much she cares about herself. SHE feels guilty. SHE wants to continue hanging out with the guy. She is not thinking about your feelings. She didn't have enough respect for you to tell you that she cheated. She plotted to hide it from you. So you must think of yourself and take care of yourself. If you walk away you won't regret it. If anything, don't marry this girl for at least another few years.

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Servedcold, Is right. She "chose" you. Well tell her that you just "chose" to dump her

 

that's funny .. i said exactly that when i caught an ex with his ex-girlfriend .. he immediately said "but i am choosing you" . .. and i said "and i'm choosing not to be with you" .. felt great and empowering (:

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