Jump to content

Just so angry.


pushforward
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

Recommended Posts

I'm trying to figure out how to let go. Today was going decent. Until I went to a coworker's bday party. She held it at a club, a club that I dropped my ex to and the same club she confessed her love to me after I picked her up. I didn't know that this was the club until I drove there and saw it.

 

Any who fast forward, my ex is preoccupying my mind. I eat, I drink, I laugh. I have a good time, until I go outside for a smoke. I like to smoke when I drink. One of my friend asks me to test the water temperature because there is a pool outside. I go over lean down and my camera falls into the pool. So I do what anybody who dropped something valuable in the pool. I take off my shoes and some of my clothes, jump in and grab it and get out. People are outside clapping and hooting. Everybody is showing me attention, but I try to dry myself off and I'm soaking win to the core.

 

I was pretty much pissed the whole night about my camera. My friend kept bothering me and try to get me to smile, she at one point touched my face to get me to smile. I told her to stop and she kept doing it. I eventually grabbed her hand and told her she needs to stop touching me. I was angry about my camera, angry at myself, angry at her. I left the part early. While driving home, I gave it some thought, I'm not angry about the camera or angry at my coworker for touching my face after I told her not to. I am angry at my ex. Angry at her for cheating, lying and I really am trying to get over it. The opposite sex is hitting on me and I feel nothing towards them, nothing that attracts me to them, nothing sexual, nothing at all.

 

I really am trying to figure out or change how I am. I hate being like this. I'm so damn angry and I've calmed myself down and now I'm just sitting here reflecting on the night and my past behavior. I normally don't have anger spurts. Is this really who I am? A unhappy, angry person?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

make a decision. by now, you are strong enough in your NC to do this. Refuse to entertain anymore thoughts of her or the relationship. It's dead and over. At some point it's a choice and the will power to follow through. That's what I did. Im not all effed up anymore when I go out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey,

 

I think sometimes we get so caught up in the pain and frustration of the break-up we just need some space and to be let alone. People trying to be helpful just invades our space when we need the privacy to deal with very personal emotions. DO not worry about how you reacted to your coworker. It is very natural. You are defensive from all the pain you have been through, and anyone trying to get close, even in a friendly way, triggers off all the feelings of rejection and past love of your ex.

 

Your camera will be dwelling on your mind because things tend to when we are in a negative thought pattern. I know I do this. One tiny thing goes wrong in the day, and I think about it, ruminate on it, build it up and for some reason this explodes into overwhelming thoughts bout your ex. Crazy isn't it? My only reasoning of this is that you are used to having your support system there like 'hey hun had a bad day, broke my camera', replied with ' don't worry we will get you a new one for christmas, you can use mine in the mean time'. Having a partner is having a support system and makes all problems less serious- aproblem shared is a problem halved. You don't get this same feeling discussing daily issues with a friend because your not a team. With your ex you were both working on the same side, so problems like ruining your camera were just annoyances in the past, now they are big deals.

 

How long have you been split up with your ex and No Contact? Is she with anyone else?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope your camera is still working. I think your reaction is perfectly natural under the circumstances. I also don't think your anger is solely due to what your ex did to you. Having a camera falling into a swimming pool, having to jump in fully clothed to retrieve it, having an audience hooting and hollering rather than showing kind support during this mishap, having someone touch you and basically patronize you into smiling when you have just had to rescue your camera from destruction by water, having someone ignore your request to stop touching you (if you were a woman and this was a man touching you against your will many people would find that very offensive...it is equally offensive when a woman doesn't understand that "no" means "no")....all these things are certainly enough to put someone in a bad mood...tack on your pain and anger at your ex and the bad mood is simply magnified. You are probably not an angry person in general...it was just a series of unfortunate events in one evening magnified the pain you are already feeling. Eventually your anger will go away. Your ex betrayed you and it is natural to feel rip roaring pain and anger. Give yourself time and don't beat yourself up over it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No no no no no, you are so NOT this way.

 

We've had chats where I've been really down, and you totally cheered me up. You've been down, very down, and have understandably expressed anger over the way you were treated. But that's not who you are-it's situational.

 

I'm sure if you explain to your co-worker that you didn't mean to snap at her, that you were feeling emotional due to the circumstances of being reminded of your ex, she will understand.

 

Is this really who I am? A unhappy, angry person?
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Words to live by:

 

Don't think about her or who she's with

Don't go on AIM

Don't re-hash good/bad memories

Remember that she hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me

Remember that her feelings have changed and she no longer has attraction for me.

What she does is none of my business.

 

I would also add, don't check his/her myspace or facebook!! EVER!

 

make a decision. by now, you are strong enough in your NC to do this. Refuse to entertain anymore thoughts of her or the relationship. It's dead and over. At some point it's a choice and the will power to follow through. That's what I did. Im not all effed up anymore when I go out.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Been broken up about 5 months, 3 months NC. She cheated on me without telling me, I found out after the break up and did everything to cut contact. I have no idea if she's with someone else, and that doesn't matter anymore. Just how I feel.

 

 

 

Doing the best I can. Sometimes I just feel so insufficient. Reminded of her and this pain. It doesn't go away, it's lingering and dawning on me. This has to do with my self esteem. I feel stuck and feel like I'm going no where, which is untrue. I'm trying to validate myself and not rely on anybody to do so.

 

As best as I can put it into words, I miss my former lover, before the betrayal and infidelity. I can't stop idolizing the old relationship, not her, the relationship. I'm working through this and telling myself there are plenty of people who love me, but I don't find myself loving them back, the way I love my ex. Especially myself at the moment. Self defeating mentality is kicking in today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know that feeling-that's how I felt--missing the relationship, not nec HIM, because he was bad for me. I missed the cuddling, the togetherness, the affection. That's how I ended up hooking up with him that last time. Then HE ended up dumping me at the end, which I found pretty ironic but was for the best, cuz he cut off any chance of any more "us".

 

As best as I can put it into words, I miss my former lover, before the betrayal and infidelity. I can't stop idolizing the old relationship, not her, the relationship. I'm working through this and telling myself there are plenty of people who love me, but I don't find myself loving them back, the way I love my ex. Especially myself at the moment. Self defeating mentality is kicking in today.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

No no no no no, you are so NOT this way.

 

We've had chats where I've been really down, and you totally cheered me up. You've been down, very down, and have understandably expressed anger over the way you were treated. But that's not who you are-it's situational.

 

I'm sure if you explain to your co-worker that you didn't mean to snap at her, that you were feeling emotional due to the circumstances of being reminded of your ex, she will understand.

 

Well, I really snapped at her because I told her multiple times throughout the night not to touch me. In a very serious face and calmness. When we went outside, her annoying laugh and touching me again, after I've said it multiple times, I grabbed her hand, not hard. But, with enough force to let her know I'm serious and she stopped. I didn't mean to be a party pooper, but I was angry the whole night, I really had to calm myself down because when I get angry, I get angry. Had to walk around the block before I got into my car and drove home, or I drive really really fast.

 

make a decision. by now, you are strong enough in your NC to do this. Refuse to entertain anymore thoughts of her or the relationship. It's dead and over. At some point it's a choice and the will power to follow through. That's what I did. Im not all effed up anymore when I go out.

 

Thoughts are uncontrollable, telling me not to think of green apple, well makes me think of green apple. I'm just letting the thoughts come in, distract myself whenever I can and they lose their edge. Just that day in particular, everything kept building and building.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know that feeling-that's how I felt--missing the relationship, not nec HIM, because he was bad for me. I missed the cuddling, the togetherness, the affection. That's how I ended up hooking up with him that last time. Then HE ended up dumping me at the end, which I found pretty ironic but was for the best, cuz he cut off any chance of any more "us".

 

I miss the former as well, I've been out and about, trying to understand the opposite sex. Just keeping things platonic and lots of girls end up liking me, but I don't like them back. I can't seem to find anybody interesting or that blows my ex out of the water. I'm not trying to compare, but it happens. Human nature, boo, starting to wish I was a machine! Haha.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...