My Fiance Left .... Please Help!

[lesomatic]

Hi Everyone, my fiance broke up with me on Valentine's Day and I'm devastated. She's only 20 years old. She told me she's not ready. Afraid to get tied down. She wants to be free. I agreed with her. But I don't understand why we can't postpone the wedding until she's ready. I don't wanna force her if she's not ready, but why does it have to be a break up. WHY?! I'm so lost right now. I love her so much...she's my first true love. It's been 2 days since I last talked to her and each day its getting harder and harder. The "What If's" have started to appear. What if I didn't argue with her that much? What if I was more affectionate to her? What if I didn't say this or that? It's all so overwhelming. What do I need to do? How do I go from here? I'm so lost and confused. I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up........

[Beec]

First, no one knows why except your fiance. So, only she can tell you. Second don't ask her. You need to have no contact with her, none whatsoever, unless it is absolutely necessary for life, health or some other reason. The "no contact" rule should be in full force. You need to learn and read about it. It is posted on a lot her, try these three to learn more:

 

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[amilasiu]

the irony of the situation is that at 20 you can marry but you can not drink.

 

 

Look, i am sorry for the situation. I do not think it is fair to you but I understand the girl too. 20 is so very young, nowadays the society promotes party, singlehood, and casual relationships all the way to your thirties, so marriage at such an age puts a lot of pressure on people: you might feel you are giving away your youth and settling down, when you did not even have the wild young years everyone speaks about.

[lesomatic]

Hi Guys, thanks for the reply. I agree that 20 is too young to get marry. It can be postpone...why does it have to be a breakup. I'm losing my mind. In the end I guess I'm the only one to blame.

[Beec]

Don't think about who to blame right now. Just keep away from her, from all contact with her, until your head settles down. Best thing would be is get some friends to hang with a lot and stay busy. That, no contact and time will help. When you get a hold of your emotions, think about what you want to do. This is not the end of the World, even though it hurts like it.

[amilasiu]

sometimes, people make all-or-nothing decisions. For your girlfriend, her wanting to be free meant not just postpone but to cut off completely. Sometimes to get out of a complex situation you need to completely burn the bridges.

 

I see where she is coming from, but that of course is no consolation to you.

 

Unfortunately, there is no remedy for such decisions. Best advice remains to give her the space she wants. She might or might not come back. My advice is to be ready for the worst. Prepare yourself for the fact this might be over and the heartbreak thereafter. I wish somebody would come up with the truly constructive advice for your situation but myself I have never seen anything good to come out of such turns of events.

[Aldor Farren]

The important thing is not to confront her until YOU are ready. Chances are she'd talk with you if you asked, and you don't want to break off all contact as soon as she says "let's break up". Just make sure you're ready for whatever she has to say, and make sure you've got a few scripted lines in the back of your head, ready for whatever she might dish out!

[lesomatic]

Hi Everyone, here's the situation. Her parents are flying from TX to VA in March to see if they can salvage the relationship. They told me to just let her be for now. We just rented a townhome about 3 wks ago. Her sister and brother-in-law moved from TX to be w/ us. At the moment, i'm still paying half the rent at the place and all the furniture, TV, etc. which are mine, I left there for them to use. We broke up on Valentine's Day. I moved out and now I'm living w/ my folks. Her family really like me wants this relationship to work out. Last year we were supposed to get marry in August. But she left...told me she need space. So for a month we were separated. Then she decided to try again. We both flew to TX to see her parents. They had a long talk w/ us and everything was patched up. They wanted us to move out together, so we can be closer together. At the time that she left, we were still living w/ my folks. When we came back from TX it was great, we moved out and have our own place. I love this girl and would do and get anything for her. Then after awhile the arguments came. GOD gave me a second chance, but I think I messed it up. I cried so much for the pass few days, driving from one place to the next without and real destination. I wonder if I'll get a third chance. I'm so scared.

[amilasiu]

The parents influence might not be a good idea: if she feels threatened by all this marriage institution, of course, the parents might talk her back into engagement, but then she will run away again when their influence will be gone. Both parents and you should respect her decision, painful as it may be. By the way, why are the parents so intent on marrying her off? Although it is none of my business, she is still almost a teenager, why not just let her and you live together?

[lesomatic]

hi amilasiu,

 

At this point, no one is forcing her to marry me. Besides, I don't want that. They are just trying to see if she will be w/ me. Like possiblly, maybe I start to date her all over again. I don't want to get marry anymore. I just want to be able to see her and be w/ her. It's killing me inside.

[zestygirl]

Oh dear...

 

I think I understand how you feel. Me an my bfriend are having serious issues, and it hurts so much you just want to die.

 

I bet she really loves you, although you didn't go into the length of your relationship, your age, or how long you dated before deciding to marry.

 

Anyway, assuming she loves you the way you love her, I'm not sure the no contact rule is the best way to go just yet. She is clearly frightened and confused, justifiably so, I think the no contact rule is better for maybe other situations. I think you should approach her gently to feel out her response, maybe call her (once! not over and over!) and let her know that you love her, that you are aware that you have made some mistakes, that you are willing to slow the pace of things, and that if she wants to sit down and work on it with you...you want to work on things too.

 

THEN you can leave her to her own devices. This, of course, is assuming that you haven't already done all of this...if you have already extended the olive branch to her, than, that is really all you can do.

 

Good Luck.

[lesomatic]

Hi Zestygirl,

 

I'm 29. My ex is 20. We been together for 3.5 yrs. We moved out around Sept last year and got an apartment together. Before that we were living w/ my parents. We are both asians. She's Vietnamese and i'm Chinese. The first time she left which was last year around July she told me that she need the space. We were supposed to marry in August. When that happened, I was a total wreck. Crying, not eating, can't concentrate and loosing sleep. During that time, i kept in contact w/ her. I let her borrow my laptop, car, and i was still paying for her phone bill. I was so much in loved w/ her. As days go by I begin to start loosing hope. She told me on AIM that guys were courting her. And she been out on few dates and was actually interested in one. So I decided to slow let go. I avoided her and didn't pick up her calls. Then she began to call more. At the time, we booked a flight to TX to settle this it was at the end of August. I was just going there to settle it w/ her parents since i was loosing hope. But we arrived in TX she talked about working things out. Her parents sat us down and we had a long discussion. Everything went quite smoothly and we were back together again. I was so happy. Fast forward to this year and the same thing is happening all over again. I'm not hoping for a marriage. I'm just hoping for a chance to date her all over again. Whether I'll have another chance or not I don't know? But when we broke up..I already did the pleading deal. That was before I found this site. Now I'm trying the "No Contact Rule" It's hard but everyday I'm checking my phone to see if she'll call. I wonder if she still misses me or love me? Perhaps she has already deleted me from her life. 3.5 yrs...gone on Valentine's Day. Do you guys think she'll ever call me back? Perhaps all the hope is gone yet in the end I'm still thinking of her and want her back. My family and friends think i'm foolish. I only wish i can forget her. Thanks everyone for listening and responding.