Trying to Move on but have a what if question

[Hopingpraying]

Okay. I am currently going through a divorce from a women I still love dearly. She wants the divorce. She says it is due to the hurt I have caused her and she cannot forget that hurt. I believe it is because of an affair she is having which she denies. However, I have emails where she is telling one of her friends that she loves someone else and when she kisses him she gets feelings she never had for me. So you tell me what that means..

Anyway's, My question is this: After reading so many posts of similar situations (aren't all breakups similar) I see time and time again where the person who broke it off tries to come back. At this point in time I want nothing more then to work this out for us and our daughter. My daughter is nearly two years old so while she may not understand fully whats going on I can tell it is bothering her and she is very confused. She doesn't understand why she is not living at home anymore, etc. . . Its sad that my wife is doing this, and maybe in time I won't want to work things out with her. But I can see her current relationship whether she wants to admit to it or not probably is not going to go anywhere. She has to many issues she has not resolved and is doomed to repeat them until she figures it out.

So how would you people handle my situation? I am trying no contact in the sense that I talk to her about nothing other than our daughter about how her day was. Calling to tell her goodnight, those types of things. I don't talk about wanting her back, what could of been or anything like that. I try to show as little emotion in front of her as possible and want her to think I am moving on no matter how tore up inside I am. She seems to be taking this in stride, I feel it is because she is getting her esteem from this other guy and no longer needs it from me.

So when the day comes that she decides she made a mistake and wants to make amends (if that day comes) what do I do? Do I stay strong and move on, or do I try to work things out for us and our daughter?

I value the people in this forums opinions so I hope I get some type of advice, even if its not what I want to hear.

 

Thanks,

 

Hoping & Praying.

[Beec]

Before you figure out what to do if the day comes that she wants back with you, you have to know the answers to two question: 1) Do you want her back?; and 2) Can you ever really trust her?

 

The first cannot be answered until you reach that day. Unless she reaches a point where you can really work on her and seduce her back into your life. If you do want her back and she wants back in, make sure it is for the right reasons. It should not be just for your daughter, but also for you and your wife. The marriage really won't work if it is just for your daughter.

 

The second is harder to answer and I am not sure I could ever say yes, were I in your shoes. It requires you to forgive her and requries her to do what it takes to make you feel secure. If you start back together, the rebuilding of trust will be difficult, but you must know that you will be able to reach point when you can leave her alone for extended periods and not worry about her cheating.

 

I don't want to dump on you either, but you also need to think about how special you made your wife feel when you were together. The other thing you will really need to do is learn how to make sure your home fires keep burning. If your home fires were burning, your wife would not have tried to get warm elsewhere.

 

This is all in the future, if it ever happens. It may not, even if your wife's fling fails miserably. She may never fix what's wrong with her, that lead to this situation. In which case maybe you should not want her back, but no one can tell you how to think about that question.

[Hopingpraying]

Beec,

 

I appreciate your reply, and this is why I can feel I will be able to trust her again. Because I recognize I was not the husband I should of been. But in the same token she was not able to tell me she was unhappy until it was too late and she already had been seduced by another man. So I would say at best it is 50/50. I think I would be able to trust her again because I feel I won't take her for granted if given a second chance. But again it will depend on what happens in the mean time. She may decide she really likes this guy and marry him. Which is why I am not going to just wait around for the day she decides to come back. I don't think that is healthy for me because there is a good chance she will never come back.

I have taken a hard long look at my past behaviors and have changed the ones I feel are detremental(SP). I have quit smoking Marijuana, I have started going to church, I quit biting my fingernails, I started flossing everynight before bed. I looked at every bad habit, large and small and tried to fix the ones I could. The others like my tendency to try to fix my wife whenever she brings up a problem will take more time. But hopefully when we try to reconcile or I start out another relationship I will have that fixed by then.

Thanks again for the words. I will take them to heart. I just hope this gets easier with time.

 

Hoping & Praying.

[Beec]

Time is the only thing that can make it easier. Some one else made a comment about there being no constructive advice for a break up. When I think about it, I don't really know if there is anything "constructive". Maybe break ups are like cuts on our bodies, just leaving them alone is the best thing to do and leaves the least scarring.

 

People can recommend things to give some one a better chance for getting back together, once the cut has pretty much healed and there is only scarring. But there is no guarantee some one will get that chance or that it will work if the opprotunity comes along. You can just do your best to keep your chances as high as possible and to prepare yourself to know, as much as you can, what to do should the opportunity to get back together arise.

 

I wasn't married to her but I pretty much acted how you describe toward my first love. By the time her unhappiness was out it was too late for us. She never said it, but I am pretty sure she was interested in someone else. My actions created that opportunity. After we broke up, I blew any future chances by chasing her. That was a long time ago and is now a mostly faded scar on my heart. There are others that have since joined it, but not for the same reason.