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Only drunk sex, part II


quick_gamble

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Well, right when i think i have things figured out it all comes back. If you read my other writeup, it basically was about how my gf only would have sex when she was drunk. We talked it out and agreed she would try more. But now luckily we have some great new problems I fear are leading to the end.

 

She went and spoke with a counselor. Which i feel is great, but when she came back she told me something i am still stunned about. She said she told the counselor if she never had sex , that would be fine. I was stunned, and she said she didnt know why. Before me she had 1 serious bf, and a bunch of one night stands. Sex is almost like a burden to her.

 

we had another huge fight where she confessed to me she dosent trust me because i joke alot about other girls hitting on me. she said it hurts her feelings. i have never cheated on her, but she says that is why she didnt want sex with me. I told her i would try to stop. i think she dated someone else in my line of work , and we do get hit on. so now she just assumes im going to leave or * * * * around.

 

We have had sex 2 times since the talk. 2 in a month. last night i thought i was doing everything right. her bed is broke so now we dont stay the night together because i am in the middle of moving. so we started making out and i started kissing her more aggresively when she did that kiss, pull back thing. she asked why i dont like just making out. then she told me she was tired and i left. i was beyond pissed when i left. is it wrong of me to hope maybe once in a blue * * * * ing moon she would just want to do something to help get me off? she gives me quick oral before sex, but never that much and she has never has done that to completion in almost a year.

 

now she has a new job and we barely see each other to make it worse. so now i expect sex and she expects to be pressured. i did what other readers posted before about not acting like i want sex, and that almost made her more relaxed. still no sex though. and just so you know, im not a nymph or anything, once or twice a week would be enough. i tried all the things, like sexy texts or emails, and she laughs and says how funny i am. not once just she ever sober say how much she would like to do that. just that she is ok without it.

 

i dont know if this is a reason to break up with the otherwise girl of my dreams. do i just give up on my sex life and be happy with someone i can talk and laugh with? or is there something else out there i should be trying? i dont understand why i was so mad when i left last night either. to have the woman you love not sexually attracted to you is like a punch in the gut. i just feel empty if that makes any sense.

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hmm, she sounds a lot like me. I had to be drunk most times to have sex with my husband. Did she have any trauma in her past to make her not want sex? I was raped when I was 17 and after that did the one night stand thing for a few years. Sex was always about "just letting the guy do his thing", not enjoyable for me.

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Sounds just like my now ex. As it stood we had it once a month. Too often it was after she threw back a couple. Sometimes she'd turn me down and after a couple of drinks be all over me. If I said I didn't feel like it, I'd get the "Don't you love me?" or some kind of attitude.

 

Imagine if she wanted sex and you said "Not unless i'm drunk". How do you think she would take that? It's so demeaning when someone only wants sex with you while they're drunk. Someone who cares about you wouldn't insult you like that. I don't care who you are, that's rude and ridiculous. Alcohol problem or emotional problem, I would walk. She'll probably throw the "You're making our relationship all about sex" card at you, but the problem is far deeper than sex.

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Sounds just like my now ex.

 

Imagine if she wanted sex and you said "Not unless i'm drunk". How do you think she would take that? It's so demeaning when someone only wants sex with you while they're drunk. Someone who cares about you wouldn't insult you like that. I don't care who you are, that's rude and ridiculous. Alcohol problem or emotional problem, I would walk. She'll probably throw the "You're making our relationship all about sex" card at you, but the problem is far deeper than sex.

 

I disagree, alcohol for me made me more able to open up to my husband. It's not a slap in the face on purpose to the guy, it's a deep psychological issue, at least for me it was and is. Being raped is the biggest sexual violation a woman can go through, and it can certainly make you not want to have sex ever again. You shouldn't be so insensitive if you don't know the problems behind it.

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Oh, I understood. My ex was sexually abused when she was young, too. But if you need to use alcohol as a way to open up to people, that's not a good thing. It sounds like a crutch to me.

 

How would you feel if your husband said he wouldn't sleep with you unless he was drunk? I'd imagine you wouldn't feel very attractive.

 

And for the record, my relationship with her ended over far bigger problems - I dealt with sex once a month, maybe twice for fifteen months. I convinced myself "She doesn't want it as much, I won't force her". So I coped with it. That wasn't what made me walk - I'm just saying it sounds like an indication of deeper problems that will bother him even more than he's bothered now.

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Oh, I understood. My ex was sexually abused when she was young, too. But if you need to use alcohol as a way to open up to people, that's not a good thing. It sounds like a crutch to me.

 

How would you feel if your husband said he wouldn't sleep with you unless he was drunk? I'd imagine you wouldn't feel very attractive.

 

And for the record, my relationship with her ended over far bigger problems - I dealt with sex once a month, maybe twice for fifteen months. I convinced myself "She doesn't want it as much, I won't force her". So I coped with it. That wasn't what made me walk - I'm just saying it sounds like an indication of deeper problems that will bother him even more than he's bothered now.

 

Did she ever get help? Like therapy? I just started therapy and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. If she didn't want to work on fixing the problems, she would continue in the same cycle forever.

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Did she ever get help? Like therapy? I just started therapy and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. If she didn't want to work on fixing the problems, she would continue in the same cycle forever.

 

Yes, she did. She quit after a year, saying it was a waste of time, then saying she was "cured", when in actuality she wasn't cured, she just had me to take everything out on, because I'd "deal" with it.

 

Good for you on getting help! I hope it works out well for you!

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Yes, she did. She quit after a year, saying it was a waste of time, then saying she was "cured", when in actuality she wasn't cured, she just had me to take everything out on, because I'd "deal" with it.

 

Good for you on getting help! I hope it works out well for you!

 

Thanks, it took me more than a decade to realize I wasn't emotionally healthy and I didn't want to live this way the rest of my life. Some people are ok with it I guess.

 

(sorry for hyjacking your post quick)

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I agree with Chaosa on some levels. I definitely find it easier "emotionally" to have sex while I'm drunk, though I still do have sex when I'm not drunk and enjoy it, but I tend to let go more when I'm drunk, otherwise I feel a little embarrassed. It's like needing to have the lights off, which I do! It's about her self-confidence I think mate, not a slap in the face for you.... maybe you should talk more about the real reasons behind it and ask her to be very honest

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It seems to me that you two are basically incompatible when it comes to sex and thereforee you should really decide if this is the girl for you.

 

I can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone only when they are drunk - it's insulting and degrading IMO. Basically she is saying: "I have to be drunk to get over my aversion to having sex with you"?

 

But this is the major problem and it isn't going to go away:

if she never had sex , that would be fine. I was stunned, and she said she didnt know why. Before me she had 1 serious bf, and a bunch of one night stands. Sex is almost like a burden to her.

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dude IMO sex is a good portion of a relationship. You have to have closeness and intimacy in a relationship to keep the fire going. Otherwise what will you have. You say deal with happieness and no sex? Well obviously your not happy not getting sex so that wont work. Yes this may be a reason to break things off. you have tried working with her but she isnt willing to work with you so think about it. would you really wanna put more time into a girl that you HARDLY see and not having any intimacy? Its like you claiming celebacy all over again. you may as well be a priest! lol.

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There have been dozens if not hundreds of threads on here about people getting no sex or not enough from their partners.

 

I don't recall ever seeing one that had an outcome where the partner with low sex drive solved their problem and a good sex life was the end result.

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There have been dozens if not hundreds of threads on here about people getting no sex or not enough from their partners.

 

I don't recall ever seeing one that had an outcome where the partner with low sex drive solved their problem and a good sex life was the end result.

 

It's a bit cynical to think that this problem can never be fixed. Most of the threads where this is the main topic I can imagine the partner with the problem doesn't want to fix it. It's not hopeless, but that's the question that needs to be asked. Does she want to fix it?

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I think she does want to fix it. but what if i wait (no sex) and she never does fix it?

 

That's a decision you have to make personally. It might take her a very long time to come to terms with her issues and learn to enjoy sex without that stigma attached. The question then becomes, can you deal with that? If not, you need to move on.

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It's a bit cynical to think that this problem can never be fixed. Most of the threads where this is the main topic I can imagine the partner with the problem doesn't want to fix it. It's not hopeless, but that's the question that needs to be asked. Does she want to fix it?
I don't agree that it is cynical - it's just a statement of what I have observed over a few years of seeing threads like this on here.
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It's a bit cynical to think that this problem can never be fixed. Most of the threads where this is the main topic I can imagine the partner with the problem doesn't want to fix it. It's not hopeless, but that's the question that needs to be asked. Does she want to fix it?

 

I don't think DN said it can never be fixed - he just made the observation (based on all of his time here - and he reads a lot of posts) that it usually doesn't get fixed. I believe it can, but I think it takes more time than the OP can take. I don't think many would fault him for leaving over this if he did - if his needs are that far different, it's going to cause other problems.

 

Sorry if I'm wrong, DN - I really didn't mean to speak for you, I just interpreted what you said differently.

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Well... She sounds like me in some ways.. It took me over 2 years to be sexual/intimate with my first bf, and I think that was part of what caused me to break up with him, was because I was trying to force myself to want it. I went through some sexual abuse myself, first when I was 5 by two different people [father and cousin of the same age. How sick does a 5 yr old have to be to try to do that with his own cousin??] and then later around 10 by someone I considered as a brother due to being raised in the same household... Had a couple 'one-nighters no strings attached', I think I was only okay with it because there was no worry of being hurt emotionally by them because I wasn't close enough to them.

 

And I personally can do without sex, and I refused it with my 2nd bf more often than not. But, luckily for my current, I'm a little more into it and enjoy it, but it probably would never happen if he were to stop.

 

Seeing how you say she's only had one serious bf prior to you... I don't know that she'll be able to get past it to save things between you, if it's that important to you. If you feel you can do without, and you are happy enough with just her attention, I'd say give it a shot... Otherwise, I don't know you might be better off to just walk.

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I don't agree that it is cynical - it's just a statement of what I have observed over a few years of seeing threads like this on here.

Well... When you think about it, how often do you see threads BY the person with the 'problem' wanting to fix themselves? Is it more often the SO of the person with the problem? That might explain why not many have good outcomes- because the problem person doesnt know how to fix, doesnt see a reason to do so, or is unable to.

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Some women may enjoy the feeling but dont care for the effort. The girl i was recently dating for 4 months. We only had sex while drunk too. I know she was attracted to me but its like she was nervous when she was sober, she also knows ive been with alot of women. Perhaps there is some deep reason why this girl is like that. I couldnt handle it if i was in your position. I was barley able to handle it in my situation. Perhaps one reason i ended it.

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Well... When you think about it, how often do you see threads BY the person with the 'problem' wanting to fix themselves? Is it more often the SO of the person with the problem? That might explain why not many have good outcomes- because the problem person doesnt know how to fix, doesnt see a reason to do so, or is unable to.

 

 

 

While that's a valid point, I think it's the same thing. Does it make a difference if one or the other is saying "There's a lack of sex, and I/my SO doesn't try to get help for it"? Does it matter which party's mouth it comes from? I mean, why would someone say "She's not trying to get help" when the person IS trying to get help? Hope that makes some sense - I could feel my brain knotting up as I wrote that...

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Well it sounds like a problem for you...how long do you see yourself holding out, then?

 

I understand you're with her for more than just sex - that's evident. The fact that you've been "dealing" with it shows that you are interested in HER. But it can feel almost like you're just friends when in a relationship without sex, and while it's good to be friends with your SO, a lack of sex can cause problems in a relationship such as resentment. It may take a while, but resentment can set in quickly. It sounds like if she's showing no interest in trying to be attracted to you - she isn't as concerned about your feelings as you'd like to believe. Were you to just stop wanting to make out with her - would she be upset by the lack of affection? I'm guessing so. Sure, it's not sex, but it's still an expression of your affection for her.

 

Me - I don't hold sex as one of the huge chains that binds a relationship. The first time my ex wanted to do it with me, she was drunk. I wasn't ready. I held out for about 2 months before I was ready, because I was interested in HER. But when one party feels that they're not desired for a long period of time, it hurts, and love isn't about hurting the one you're with. I almost wished we never had sex in the first place.

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While that's a valid point, I think it's the same thing. Does it make a difference if one or the other is saying "There's a lack of sex, and I/my SO doesn't try to get help for it"? Does it matter which party's mouth it comes from? I mean, why would someone say "She's not trying to get help" when the person IS trying to get help? Hope that makes some sense - I could feel my brain knotting up as I wrote that...

Yeah. It really is the same thing, when I look at it. But like you, brain knotting was occurring and it didn't make much sense to me. [typical occurrence for me]

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