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Please Help Me Understand My Situation...


IRfrustrated

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Alright, this may end up being fairly long, but please bear with me, this is a very frustrating situation.

 

Let me preface this by saying that in general, I am the antithesis of shy... I was known as a "class clown" all through high school and college. I'm very sarcastic and I might even be considered cocky by some. However, when it comes to approaching women I lock up and instantly become very shy. I've dealt with my fair share (and then some) of rejection and that probably has something to do with it.

 

Anyways, about 6 weeks ago I decided to man up and ask out a girl I knew through my roommate's girlfriend... very cute girl, it's likely she's out of my league but regardless, we went out and had a really great time. I was initially very awkward (she's really REALLY cute) but she didn't seem to mind. Once I get past the approach and initial awkwardness, the shyness goes away and I'm a very thoughtful, playful and interesting person to date. She, on the other hand, has the same problem as I do (outgoing around most, shy around the opposite sex) but hasn't seemed to really lose the shy yet. Or so I thought, but now I'm wondering whether she actually likes me or if she's just going out with me because I'm a fun person to date.

 

Here's where we stand now; we've been dating for about 6 weeks now. We hold hands in public and we've had a couple of heated makeout sessions but that's as far as we've gone. She's slept over a few times and I am not pushing for sex or anything (I'm patient, I figure it will happen when she's ready).

 

Yet she has NEVER (emphasis) initiated a single thing in the time we've dated. I'm always the first one to send a text or to kiss her or to grab her hand as we walk... which kind of bothers me, by this time I assumed that if she liked me she would feel comfortable initiating something. More troubling than that, sometimes when I try to kiss her (in private, never in public) she just turns away and doesn't give any explanation. BUT when I do kiss her she gets almost giddy... we'll be lying next to each other and I'll give her a kiss, she positively glows and cuddles up very affectionately with me. This makes her refusal to kiss me at times even more confusing. When we lay on her bed and watch movies together she sometimes cuddles up really close, to the point where our legs are tangled and her head is resting on my chest. Yet sometimes she doesn't even want me to touch her when we're laying there. She also rarely ever kisses open-mouthed, and if I try to go down that route sometimes she'll straight up push me away... and other times she'll kiss back very passionately (it's been a little while since that happened though).

 

I'm extremely frustrated about this, because in my mind (which doesn't understand girls 90% of the time) it seems like she doesn't actually like me... more like she's using me because I take her out for dinner, movies, skating, drinking, etc... before she started dating me, she didn't get out much during the week at all. I've been used by girls before (twice, actually) and it truly sucked. About 2 weeks ago I asked her the ever-awkward question of whether she wanted to officially be my girlfriend... her response was "I don't know... I have a really good time with you though." Nothing has been said about that since.

 

So I guess what this comes down to... should I continue to pursue this girl? I will leave her place with an intense feeling of rejection at least once a week because I will take her out, have a really good time but get shot down just trying to kiss her. I don't know how to bring it up, or whether I even should. I'm am very bothered by the fact that she doesn't initiate anything, and it's very disheartening to put the time and effort into putting together a fun and creative date only to get shot down just trying for a kiss. I like this girl quite a bit, we have a very similar sense of humor and a ton of things in common... plus there's that whole irresistibly cute factor. I don't want to give up on her, but all this confusion and rejection is really eating away at me.

 

My apologies for the lengthiness of this post, hopefully somebody reads this and can give me a little bit of insight... because I have no idea what I'm going to do. *sigh*

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There was a point last week where my job and this situation combined to become far too frustrating and I didn't contact her at all for 4 days straight. It seemed like she was passive-aggressively criticizing me on facebook... she changed her status to the George Carlin quote "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." She made no attempts to contact me in that period of time. On the 5th day she was leaving for a girl's weekend with a couple of her friends and I sent her a text wishing her a good time; she responded as though nothing was wrong and she actually texted me a lot that weekend (mostly to complain about annoying people, but still).

 

I've had past experiences where I've backed off from pursuing a girl and that was pretty much the end of that... so I'm hesitant to go that route again.

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But therein lies the problem... sometimes they are reciprocated, sometimes they aren't. If I pout when she denies me (yeah, I know it's not the manliest thing to do but whatever) she often will come around... I just don't think I should have to do that. My roommate has known her for a while and says that he's never known her to move fast with anything, especially men, so for all I know she likes me a lot but is running at a different pace than I am, so to speak.

 

I am supposed to be taking her out to the local space and science center all day tomorrow, but we didn't iron out the details or anything yet. Last night she was very cuddly but wasn't really responsive when I tried to kiss her (she didn't push me away but she wasn't really into it). She was very tired though, so that could play a part in it. She fell asleep on my arm while we were watching Conan so I slipped out and snuck out the front door. Normally I will wake her up and she will come kiss me goodbye, but I didn't even bother. I sent her a text on my way home that said "You should probably lock your door. Good night." and I haven't gotten a response. I'm wondering whether I should just not pursue our plans tomorrow unless she responds...

 

I'm not overly concerned with getting hurt, really... I've had my heart broken in enough places and in enough ways that it's healed back pretty strong. I'm more concerned with letting this one get away because I misread her... but it does bother me when I keep on feeling like I'm being used or being rejected by the girl who I still believe I have a chance with.

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She does sound very confusing. At times I think that maybe she is a controlling person and she does this intentionally to get a rise out of you. But, when you asked her if she wanted to be your girlfriend and she said I don't know, that is the part that makes me wonder what her intentions are. Maybe you should tell her that she needs to think about what she wants, because if she isn't interested in you as her boyfriend, then she should say so and stop playing the hot and cold game. It isn't much fun. How would she feel if you did that to her???

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Well, here's an update on the situation... I didn't talk to her until about 6pm on Saturday to tell her that we weren't going to the space and science center, so we agreed to reschedule for Sunday (I'm a sucker, I know).

 

She gets hammered on Saturday night and doesn't wake up until 3pm, which completely rules out our plans. But she says she wants to see me so I head out to pick her up from her place. Somewhere along the way she sends me a text message to the extent of "I hope you didn't leave yet, I have to help with church tonight" so the first time I saw her this weekend was under a strict 1.5 hour limit.

 

Anyways, I get there and go into her room... she is laying in the dark moaning, she definitely had herself a rough night. Being the gentleman I am, I walked in and handed her a Gatorade, then tongue-in-cheek offered to leave. She got genuinely pissed at the suggestion, pulled me into bed with her and cuddled up close, then says "No... you're going to stay right here with me until I have to leave" and then she kisses me. So now I'm all kinds of confused, but I took it at face value and stuck around. She was very affectionate and was contemplating not going to church to spend more time with me... it didn't happen though.

 

So I'm picking her up after work today and spending the evening with her... I still don't know if I should approach the subject or not. If mixed signals were raindrops then I would have been issued a flood warning by now.

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I've had past experiences where I've backed off from pursuing a girl and that was pretty much the end of that... so I'm hesitant to go that route again.

 

Here's the things that are clear to me from reading this: this relationship is out of balance, you are giving too much and not receiving enough, which is obviously why you're here - this is not a sustainable balance. You obviously like her, the question is: does she like you a lot, but she's extremely shy and conservative, or, like you fear, she just likes how you treat her and isn't really all that into you as a person.

 

So my question to you is: why be afraid of what backing off can lead to?

 

If she likes you, you want to be with her, but you also want her to break out of her shell, to start pulling her weight in the relationship. Well, if you backing off doesn't make her do that, guess what? She doesn't like you all that much.

 

And if she's not into you, you'll have your answer just as fast.

 

You seem like a great guy and your kind of efforts should go to the people who deserve it and are willing to reciprocate. Don't be afraid to test your boundaries in this "relationship". She's very comfortable where she is at this point, not having to do much at all for you, or even give you and idea of where she stands. Take some of that comfort away and let her show her true colours. Hopefully she'll show you that she can do more than she does now.

 

All the best.

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